Well, I'm off to my hometown tonight for the holidays, and will be welcoming in 2003 on my way back to my current home.

Did I think I'd still be "doing this" one year ago? No. Then again, I wasn't in much shape to be thinking years ahead - one day at a time. And it's still one day at a time. Maybe that's the best way to do it.

One year ago, WW was deep in the fog. She had shown moments of promise, and moments of hurtfulness. But she was never too "far" from me, never talking about divorce or separation, etc. 2002 started with a bit of that, mainly due to pressures from OM, likely. 2002 has had many interesting moments. My talk with OM was a highlight - I think it shocked everyone, even me. My moving out was another, with her doing her best to talk me out of it. Her floundering helplessly, taking on a new OM for a brief time, and "waiting me out" also rounded out a rather bleak year.

But it hasn't been all bad. I've finally got my wits about me. I'm finally ready to take on 2003 with a knowledge that it will end with enough changes to satisfy my Taker.

I know WW can't continue this much longer without some kind of action. She's starting realize - I hope - that I'm not budging one inch. That's my Plan B, and I'm valuing it. If she wants to forget about me or adjust her moral code to suit herself - then I'm okay with that. I'm sleeping rather well at night, knowing I did all that I could. Don't underestimate its value. It does make a big difference.

2003 will be a better year. It's already showing promise. I'm happy to sit and wait and live well for now. I see WW being very "uncomfortable," so I can wait some more. Sadly, even if she turns the corner here, she's caused a lot of damage that will take a long time to repair. I do question daily whether it's worth it, or if it's even possible. I know I have many gifts to share - and WW does too, hence her indecision and pain.

Have a good holidays, and let's all have a good 2003.

You are a strong person, J.R. and your post shows this unfortunate situation has given you lots of wisdom. I am looking forward to 2003 since 2002 has been the worst year of my life. It will be up to me to make 2003 a turn-around year. I can sense it.

Question for you. Out of curiosity, as you look back was 2002 worse for you than 2001? Have you ever thought about where J.R. would be had your situation not happened at all?

Thanks for your words. Hang in there.

Q: was 2002 worse for you than 2001?

A: On balance, they were probably about the same... 2001 was just far more "concentrated pain" than 2002. I learned more coping skills in 2002, and even when struggling badly, I found a way to manage not to LB as much as possible.

2002 was better at the end, after going to a strong Plan B. It made me feel far more "in control" over my destiny. I took the power away from WW - she just didn't realize it for several months. I suspect she's starting to "get" that little fact... that I'm not her puppet any longer. That makes me even happier - to know that she knows...

Q: Have you ever thought about where J.R. would be had your situation not happened at all?

A: Huh, probably WW would have had our first child by now. As it is, I'm quite thankful we don't have any kids. If the M is saved in the end, it's going to be because she cleared a bar set very, very high - because I'm not going to put my future kids at risk for this in the future.

And the scarey thing is, if this hadn't happened, or she'd kept it a secret successfully, I'd probably be still blind and in the dark about the "real her." At one point during all this, she said that she regretted telling me - that she could've just worked this out on her own.

Well, I'll take the knowledge of reality, even if it's more painful in the end. Blind and ignorant might feel good, but it's as much living a fantasy as an A is.

And it's her 1st A, years ago, that likely led her to the most recent one - she obviously didn't deal with it at all - and wasn't open and honest with me about it. Secrets like that don't go unrewarded. She's now reaping pain beyond belief... And I'm finding it harder and harder to feel sorry for her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J.R.:
<strong>I'm sleeping rather well at night, knowing I did all that I could. Don't underestimate its value.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am really glad to hear you say this, J.R. - not that I doubted you would or could.

Please amplify my voice when I try to drive this point home to BSs in the struggle. If an end comes, the feeling of freedom and contentment we get by having tried our best and always working in the positive direction is priceless. Had we acted destructively and negatively, we would imprison ourselves for the rest of our lives by always wondering, "what if?".

I wish a good 2003 for you.

WAT

WAT, J.R.

not to hijack the thread but within that feeling you get for having tried your best, do you still ask the question "what if." For instance, I've heard there is no such thing as a perfect Plan A with 0 LB's because we are not perfect. Do you ever ask yourself what if I would have done one less LB?

I think the answer lies in knowing that when you add up all the Plan A and deduct all the LB's you are still left with a large amount of love unit deposits whether the S's love bank registered them or not. So the net result, being positive, is the best that you did and that in itself is priceless.

See, I'm about to go to Plan B but I feel I didn't do a good enough Plan A. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. A lot of my friends tell me I've done enough for her. After all, she has noticed a difference in me, she is a lot more cordial, has begun to laugh at my jokes, I'm supporting her financially, etc. So at this point I'm left with the self-doubt of how good my Plan A was.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by utterlyconfused:
<strong>do you still ask the question "what if."</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I do.

And I agree that no one likely does a perfect Plan A - I certainly didn't!

I believe the "what if" question is not completely avoidable, no matter what we did. In the extreme, I ask myself, "what if I had tossed her out on the street right off the bat? Would that have worked better since NOT doing that obviously didn't work?"

When you "fail" to recover your marriage, a certain amount of "what if-ing" seems inevitable - no matter how hard we tried, or how good our Plan A was. I guess my point, and I ask J.R. to confirm from his vantage point, is that we can avoid undue speculation about it, and in turn, avoid perhaps all the guilt. Yes, I have guilt about my contributions to the poor marital environment prior to the affair, but in the end, all things considered, I am content knowing that once we (my former spouse and I) had made all our mistakes, I did everything reasonably within my power to undo them.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong>I am content knowing that once we (my former spouse and I) had made all our mistakes, I did everything reasonably within my power to undo them.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">... and that in itself is what you call priceless. That's what makes you sleep better at night. This just validates my revelation yesterday that my goal was wrong, meaning, my vision was of my W returning. You can undo all the mistakes, all the wrongs and still your S may not come back. That's why my new goal is to become a better husband, someone who can fulfill the EN's of my W and feel good and proud about myself. Of course, I would love my W to be the one to experience the new UC.

Thanks for your insight.

Dear JR,

I can't post from work anymore so I have to make this short and sweet......

I wish you well for the new year. You have weathered 2001 & 2002 quite well. Your strength has made you a better person and in turn many from here have benefited (me included).

UC, these boys (JR & WAT) speak volumes. Their sage comments show that we can move on despite where the Ws stands. That is an improvement from when we all 1st came here.

I personally never thought about giving up on my M when I started. I was certain my H was on some type of drug due to his actions.

Confused???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Yes I was. But eventually I was able to see my real priorities. It was way less than my original list. It even changed a bit. At first, I thought the OW was all wrong.....the Ow was wrong but her suggestions about the WS moving out and not needing his family were words I reiiterated to the WS when I personally was strong enough to move on.

Maybe that's a kicker. Plan B should be used when the BS is strong enough to move on. Then if the M is to be salvaged, the WS has to turn back into the spouse, take back their H or W title in word and action, then both H & W work on the M. As long as one WS retains the title there is no trust. The BS is fighting an uphill battle and false recovery shows it's ugly face.

At that point, the negative recovery efforts take a larger toll on the BS and family. D/D hits again and in some case with a vengenace. Suicide and feelings of worthlessness creep up on many.

It doesn't have to be that way. Moving forward is NOT a bad thing. Plan B is NOT a bad thing. Doing the best we can, knowing our personal limitations, not setting too high expectations and being content with our efforts is important, is vital to personal recovery.

At first I looked at M recovery, then I concentrated on personal recovery. The later became more important. It still is and my H is home. See we both have to work on personal recovery. Sometimes that means not doing more but doing less and putting the 'onis' on the other party. That is what is happening in my case. My giver was working 24/7 and had to stop. It was crushing my soul and no appreciation was being given or felt (H's own conclusion). So to keep giving became a death sentence to me. No wonder I felt suicidal....... But I had to power to stop those feelings and I had to build the strength to kick myself in the right direction or at least recognize the right direction when others were kicking me there (friendly MB help, etc.).

Anyway, these are just my thoughts. Hope they help.

Hugz to all.......

L.

J.R.,
I think a lot of you, just wanted to say so.

SS

bump! I am interested in UC's response to my post.

L

Thanks Orchid. Not wanting to hijack J.R.'s thread, I replied to you under my current posting UC's To Do.

Hi all,

I've been out of town for a while, but am checking in while I have a moment, before I begin my long return trip tomorrow.

For me, the "what ifs" are only as big as I make them. The harder I've tried and the harder I've tried to apply MB principles, the less I seem to beat myself. And in reality... WW never demonstrated any outward "unhappiness" before d-day... Some folks see the WS being [insert negative adjectives here] prior to d-day as a warning sign... Mine? Nada. Zippo. Well, okay, maybe the 4-5 days leading up to it.

Now, I'm not trying to escape responsibility. If I were a really great H, I might have asked her how she was feeling a lot more, a lot earlier. But you know what? "What if" I did? I'll bet you a whole lot of money that she'd have told me things were fine... Why do I guess that? Because she's even admitted that she "wanted it all" - i.e., OM and I. In her twisted fantasy world, there's nothing wrong with having a harem, I guess. And she got away with having 2 people meeting her EN for YEARS with OM #1. So talking about being cake-fed...

And as Orchid indicated, I became a true Plan B'er when I was finally ready to lose the M - honestly and truly. I don't think WW understood that fact at first. She may not yet completely. She may need to lose it and live with her choices even more - it's ridiculous, but nothing surprises me anymore. But I have absolutely no doubt about the fact that I'm doing what's "right and best" right now - that's powerful stuff. I feel like I'm starting on building the foundations of a new life, and when I get a few more bricks in place, I can feel comfortable with filing myself - assuming she remains as paralyzed as ever. When I do, it'll signal pretty much game over - but that's by design. Again, I'm sleeping well.