A question. My husband definitely shows characteristic signs of emotional unavailability- as if his A weren't enough <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> My question: I feel that this is a huge hinderance to recovery. He of course does not agree that he has a "problem" and refuses counseling.

How many of you have also dealt with this?

Could you give a little more information? Some examples perhaps? I think I know what you are asking but want to be sure.

jd

Well, to begin, he does not meet my emotional needs for conversation. Oh he'll converse but only when he wants to. If he's stressed or tired or busy- well, you know, conversation is not something he wants from me. He has told me that he has no interest in "my job" does not want to hear about it. Says he doesn't know the people and it literally bores him. (nice huh?) Oh, don't get me wrong- he will (once in a while) ask how my day went BUT he wants an Okay from me. He does not want me to tell him what went on, for you see I have a boring job, (according to him).

Secondly, affection- since his A our sex life has taken the plunge- this last year has been the worst. 2 years past D day in Feb.

When I try to talk to him about this I get "Now you know how I felt all those years when you were so unavailable to me"

True, I was not the perfect partner, true, I realize this, I also know I had a lot of physical problems- female oriented- I found out about his A three days after having a hysterectomy. Now I do not know if the horomone replacements or the fact that I am "not broken" anymore has increased my libido- non the less it is strong now.

When I tell him that he's playing with fire when he tells me "now you know how it feels" he takes little notice of it. Furthermore, he doesn't change his behavior toward me. Now once a month is plenty enough for him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

We do the things he wants. If I want to do something he never tells me no, but tells me to go ahead and do it with a friend. I don't want to do things with a friend- I want to do them with him. If he makes plans and I can't go with him he goes anyway. He's a very self centered ME ME ME type individual. We share nothing unless it's something that interests him.

As far as domestic help- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Yeah, right, when he and I separated he seemed to do just fine with laundry and cleaning (his own place) now he's home I think he's forgotten how it works.

I made a comment to him three days ago after being with some friends and the distance he kept during the evening. He was sitting across the room from the rest of us. True it was crowded where we were but when I told him I felt like he wanted to be as far from me as he could he blew up like a rocket. His words were "What do you want? My head up your [censored]?"

Well, I didn'[t take kindly to this dropped him off at the house and drove around for a while. When I came in he was already asleep- this was three days ago he has not talked to me since.

The day after I went outdoors to ask what he wanted for Breakfast, he was gone- never told me anything- came in late that afternoon- never said a word- he was with a friend helping him do something- I have no problem with that but Gads, what about a little common courtesy? Or is common courtesy to him like "having his head up my [censored]?"

He's noncommital, won't agree to do anything with me. gives me the old "I;ll have to wait and see where I'm at at that time".

I spend 400 on an airline ticket for him to go with me and our children to a relatives wedding- guess what? He didn't go, couldn't leave our business ya know. BUT if something comes up that he wants he can't get out of there fast enough.

Sorry for rambling he can be quite the jerk especially now for gods sake it's Christmas.

I know there are a lot of typos but rather than loosing this I am sending it as is.

Your story sounds very familiar to me. I'll try to give you some insight from the emotionally unavailable mans point of view. I'm all too recently taking a really hard look at myself and how I've acted up untill my W said she was leaving me but I'll do my best to try and explain why I acted so distant and cold. Also There was no A so it might be different in your situation.
Here goes nuthin:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well, to begin, he does not meet my emotional needs for conversation. Oh he'll converse but only when he wants to. If he's stressed or tired or busy- well, you know, conversation is not something he wants from me. He has told me that he has no interest in "my job" does not want to hear about it. Says he doesn't know the people and it literally bores him. (nice huh?) Oh, don't get me wrong- he will (once in a while) ask how my day went BUT he wants an Okay from me. He does not want me to tell him what went on, for you see I have a boring job, (according to him).
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Neither did I. Still grappling with why. I guess I felt like why should I listen to how exiting your day was. Why should I care about poeple you know. I felt like she never wanted to talk about anything we did. She never just sat down and said you know you've been really good to me or I really appreciate (blank) about you. Was always someone at work she just met who's so smart, or so and so gave me some good advice and so on. ( At least thats what I was hearing)
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Secondly, affection- since his A our sex life has taken the plunge- this last year has been the worst. 2 years past D day in Feb.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry can't relate there. I always gave my W all the sexual affection she desired (or the other way around maybe)
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As far as domestic help- Yeah, right, when he and I separated he seemed to do just fine with laundry and cleaning (his own place) now he's home I think he's forgotten how it works.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I haven't lifted a finger around the house in years. I just felt like gave her everything she asks for. We built a sucsessfull life together mostly off my back. All our biggest plans came together because I took the initiative and saw them through. That of course was totally unfair and selfish of me. It's odd how once your eyes are opened, you look back in utter disbelief at how you behaved. Anyway I'm getting off track here sorry.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We do the things he wants. If I want to do something he never tells me no, but tells me to go ahead and do it with a friend. I don't want to do things with a friend- I want to do them with him. If he makes plans and I can't go with him he goes anyway. He's a very self centered ME ME ME type individual. We share nothing unless it's something that interests him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me too. I took her asking me to do things as nagging me to do more for her. Not just to do something WITH her because she wanted my company. I thought all she wanted from me was to entertain her all the time.
I guess to make a long story short I didn't see that I had a problem. I mistook my W's attempts at conecting with me as nagging me. It's like I had horse blinders on and couldn't see anything unless it was right in front of my face. Even then it had to be very obvious. I wish I could tell you how to snap him out of it but I can't. My W tried for years getting through to me but I think I just got worse over time. Selfish thoughtless behavior became a habit. When she told me she was leaving me 11 days ago. I went into total shock. My world had been shattered. Even after that it still took me untill the last few days to start and see the full scope of how that hurt her. Now it may be too late. All I can say is that I hope your H is smarter than me.

Tell me- thanks for the response-

If there were any way you could send her a copy of what you just wrote it may not be too late for you also.

My heart and prayers go out to you. Myself, I am looking for Christmas to pass and then I am going to make a decision.

In many ways this is an abusive relationship. Not in a physical sense, not in a demeaning way- but in the "I am so lonely" mode. For so long he's acted "single" for so long I felt like I was the only one married- Well, I too feel "single" but not in the exciting way he does- mine is in the "I have no one to share my life" way.

Your wife is sincerely fortunate that you have the ability to "see" past blinders- You admit there is a problem and you have remorse. Mine was remorseful but not to the point of "doing whatever it took" to win my love. He has always been more concerned after discovery of "You won't love me like you used to" (Yeah, I gave him all the freedom any human being could possibly want- maybe that's what he's missing now. I don't know." His philosophy is "I am me and this will always be me" but I want this marriage.

Take care

Spent Xmas eve with her opening presants. We both just cried the whole time. She's moving out this weekend. Got some encouraging words from her though. Said she still wants to go out on "dates" with me and talk on the phone instant message and so on. She also said it might be cool to start things over as freinds. I'm going to keep trying as hard as I can to better myself and not do any LB's. Who knows, this could all work out for the better in the end. I'm so scared I'll never get her back though. Talked al last night. Bit of relationship talk but not much. I just responded to everything by saying "i know..your right". I don't want to even try to say anything to defend myself because I don't think there is any defense for the way I've behaved. It's going to be so hard working through this and getting her to believe in me and love me again. For now I'm just trying to show her I support her decision and that I'll be here if she needs anything at all.
Hope you're having a great christmas.

Tell me: I hope yours is good too. From a woman's point of view "wanting to date" is a good idea. It will give you the opportunity to get to know each other again.

Take care and have a good Christmas