As I posted on another post, it took me many months to realize that even though I would love to restore my M with my W, it isn't entirely up to me. My goal was just that, her return. Well, what I didn't take into account is that she has to return. So, after much pain and heartache I have to admit it is not totally in my control.

Therefore, as of today I have revised my goal. My goal is to learn to meet the EN's of my wife while at the same time feeling good and proud about myself. In short, to be a better husband. I would love for my W and mother of my son to be the one who benefits from that, but if it isn't her (because of her choice) then my future wife. Don't get me wrong I am not thinking about a future wife yet; I haven't given up on my M. With the Plan B letter about to be sent (in two-three weeks), I must take this opportunity to fully devote my efforts into becoming a better person. It isn't that I haven't been doing that, but sometimes I feel I've spent too much effort on getting my W back rather than working on myself.

How am I going to achieve that?

I need to go back to basics. Currently, there is an unbalance in my life (due to my situation) so therefore I need to return to a balanced state. This may sound very simple to all of you but as I said this is where I need to start:

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Body</font>
  • <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font></li>
  • <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Diet</font></li>
  • <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exercise</font></li>
  • <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Health</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mind </font>
  • <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Work</font></li>
  • <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Activities</font></li>
  • <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Relationships: Friends and Family</font></li>
  • <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Distractions i.e.: books, movies, etc.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Spirit </font>
  • <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Daily Prayers</font></li>
  • <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Religion</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My first task is to identify how I am going to fulfill these basics and then monitor myself daily for a couple of weeks to see what I am lacking so I can concentrate on those. This is my Plan A to myself. Once I master this and my life is more balanced, then I can start concentrating on the issues I have, especially those that led my M to be in a condition where an A took place.
Any ideas, suggestions, revisions are welcome.

Thank you.

<small>[ December 23, 2002, 06:43 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

My first BIG to do regarding my Mind:
Since my parents are spending Xmas in Chicago with my sister, I will drive up there today to spend it with them.

I really don't feel like it. I rather be alone in the house having a Xmas self-pity party. You all know what I mean by that. So, I have to force myself to do it. I know it will make my parents happy and hey, I haven't made anybody happy in a while (except for my S).

It is just hard to keep my spirit up w/o my son and w/o my W.

Hi UC,

I just posted a response to you on JR's thread. I need to rush off to work but I also wanted you to know that I see you growing and your priorities settling in the right direction. Knowing this helps youself and others see that you are on the road to recovery. Personal recovery 1st is important. Kinda like putting on the oxygen mask before helping someone else. ya know??!? How little did we realize the important of that piece of instruction?!?!?

take care and grow...... have a fun visit and a safe trip. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

Bump & looking for a response!??!?

Thank you, Orchid.

First of all I have to say that I need to go to Plan B because my transformation is taking me longer than expected. What do I mean by that? A lot of my friends and family keep insisting that I've done all I could under Plan A. Perhaps they are right, however, I am left with a feeling that I did not do it right. Why? Because of my LB's. The only friend who knows both sides of the story and has remained neutral tells me those LB's were in major part instigated by her. My W knows which buttons to push and she pushed them, sometimes hard. I couldn't control myself so my anger would come out in my conversations with her.

All is not bad, though. I feel in control of my emotions now more than ever before. Ironically, she's the one losing it and reacting very angrily towards me (as I did in the beginning). Her anger is due to the circumstances regarding my work. We will be relocating to TX and she desperately wants to return to the midwest. I told her that I would go to TX if they offer me a job, she said she's always wanted to live in the midwest (even before the OM, which is true) and she's not staying in TX. See, her problem is that she wants our son to live near to both of us and also wants the divorce to take place in the midwest so she does not have to travel for hearings, etc. I asked her "do you want me to lose my job just so that you can be with OM?" I'm digressing here.

Plan B was recommended to me by Jennifer. See, it seems to me the only way to stop feeling hurt continually by her is by no contact with her. MBer's tell me this will be hard and so I'm left wondering how I am going to achieve this. That's how I recognized what everybody has been telling me, work on myself. As I said before I was working hard to get her back but in the process I was neglecting myself. It doesn't mean I haven't grown the last few months. I feel I have and I am more at peace with myself, especially because now I recognize that it wasn't all my fault and I also recognize that she has this power over me to make me feel whatever she wants to. I am finally thinking clearly, if you will. Is there such a thing as a BS's fog?

Am I strong enough to move on? Probably not but I'm not strong enough to continue with Plan A. Why? Because she has taken advantage to the max when I try to fulfill her ENs and because I am beginning to lose my love for her. Yesterday I met a woman whom I found beautiful AND fascinating and I thought to myself "wait a minute, this isn't bad, if my M ends up in a divorce I can find somebody new and put to work everything I've learned these 9 months and make her happy." It's a good thing she's in Chicago where I am not because I don't feel ready for that. But it does make me question "why do I want to be with this woman who's hurt me so much?" Frankly, I do not want to lose the little love I have left for my W.

So this is where I am now. Making plans for the future. Making myself a *better player* for my second go-round. Of course, as I always said, I would love for my W to have this opportunity of the second go-round. I miss her more than anything as I miss not being able to see my son every day. You are absolutely right, personal recovery is a must and has to come first (like the oxygen mask). If I neglect that, I may not be strong enough if she returns to the M or to carry on another R.

I thank you so much for your words, Orchid, you have no idea how much it still means to me to be acknowledged in this site. People like you, whippit, still seeking, J.R., WAT, etc., expressing interest in helping others, return the faith I have in people that I have been losing due to this situation. As you are aware our self-esteem takes a hard blow when we are the BS and these acknowledgements help to repair it.

No matter what my W says, I am capable of loving someone and making her happy. It's taken me a lot of tears and pain to realize that and that's the road I'm taking.

Thanks again.

<small>[ December 25, 2002, 09:03 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

UC,

So how is your plan coming? A or B or not sure yet? Your last post was stronger and you seem to be preparing to move forward. This is good.

Your W will not be happy right now because in the fog it is important for them to show a frown. U know it finally got to the point where I told my H to go and be happy. I said that both our son and I wanted him to be happy. why? Well for all our misery.....somebody better be happy.

Reverse logic and threw the WS into a mental spin. That way, whenever he tried to be happy around the OW, guess whose words rang in his ears!??!?! yep got them to LB without lifting a finger.

I encourage you to continue to strengthen your inner self. Your friends and family want to see you happy and mean it sincerely. Your W is just not at that point. For now you may need to leave her wallowing in her Fog pity. OMs don't like whiney Ws' for long. So her unhappiness and grouchy can be all his. I told my WS to give ALL his needs to the OW, all of it.

When I did that, I got stronger.

JMHO,
L.