To any WSs who’ve got through the fog and into
recovery, can you help me work out just where my WH is at, right now? I’m completely confused.

Dday was 5 months ago. The last time he saw OW was at the end of July. In mid-August, she told him angrily not to contact her again. However, she continued to text, email and leave voice-messages for him, and three weeks ago she visited my H’s brother to reveal the affair, causing huge upset.

This sparked WH into revealing that he felt bad about the ways things had ended with OW, and in the last week he has called her twice, ‘to resolve things’, and she has contacted him several times, and left a present and letter at his head office. He says he still has feelings for her, which he can’t switch off. He claims that the contacts with her have helped him to feel better about the ending of the A. He says that he had been suppressing these feelings because it was too difficult for me to discuss them with him up till now, and he wanted above all to be open and honest with me, especially over contacting her.

I have asked him innumerable times for a NC declaration of some kind, but he has consistently refused, stating firmly that the A is over, that he doesn’t want to see her again. He has been hugely affectionate to me, and has been making strenuous efforts to meet my ENs, and to support the family. SF has been sensational and non-stop. He is in IC, and in MC with me.

So we seem to be at odds over the definition of ‘over’ as far as the A is concerned. To me, it is still ongoing, and we can’t start rebuilding US until he is prepared to amputate her completely from his life. WH feels that we ARE rebuilding, that the affair is over because he hasn’t seen her, or spent a large part of his work hours emailing and calling her as he used to, but that his emotions are taking time to catch up with the logical thinking that made him choose me over her in August.

He says that his decision was based to a large extent on the feeling that a relationship started on those terms could not work out, on their social and financial disparity (she was very rich and well-connected), and on her inability to see the situation in any but the most romantic terms. So I am left to feel that I was ‘chosen’ because I am poor and common like him, and because it is more practical to be with me. Very flattering.

He’s seeing a psychiatrist for a problem of sexual addiction that was revealed in August, and has identified deep-rooted problems of commitment phobia and insecurity. So clearly the affair is only part of a larger problem. He says that the marriage was really perfectly happy, that he seems to be able to compartmentalise himself to an amazing degree, and that he understands now how much he’s baffled me with his behaviour over the years.

What I can’t figure out is where in the SAA model I am. I felt that I had been Plan A-ing successfully, and that given how much effort we have both made, we should be moving properly into recovery now. But if he is again in contact with her, then he is still in the bowels of withdrawal and has been since August. I feel this is cakewalking. He is getting SF and attention from me, but can’t give up the pleasure of OW’s intense need for him, or the fantasy relationship they created.

He seems to understand all of this intellectually, but cannot really believe it, and seems powerless to resist OW. He says he sees how unfair this is, how hard on me, but that he can’t just switch off his feelings at my command, and that it is very hard to be without her. I think his feelings should be bottom of the priority list at this point, and that he should be prepared to make the sacrifice for the sake of the M he is supposedly determined to save.

What do I do? Do I plan B, ask him to move out? This would seem to throw away all the rebuilding that we have done since August, and he has been making such a huge effort. Do I just have to wait for this to die some kind of natural death? Are my 6 months Plan A-ing nearly over, or am I just starting them? I don’t think I can go in this state of limbo and indecision.

Me (BS) 44, WH (45)
Married 17 years, two teenage children.
D-day July 02 SA, 4 As, still in A#4
Aug 02: A#4 ‘ended’

First let me say that I'm sorry for what you are going through. You seem to be trying so hard and he's not.

I agree with you that there needs to be a NC letter. His continued desire to keep seeing her is not helping with your recovery.

In my case, I confessed to my H b/c I couldn't live this way any longer. the next day I sent NC letter with c to H. There has been NC at all since this time. Yes, there are times I think of OM, then I sweep it away and put it where it belongs. The problem with A's is that it's all built on fantasy - one never really knows the OP. The fantasy is hard to give up b/c it was so intense and pleasurable. Real life is not like this. Your H does sound like he's still in the fog. His contact with OW made him feel better probably not because he didn't like the way his A ended, but that he likes the way it feels when he has contact with her.

I'm not sure if I'm getting this right, but I can say from a FWS's point of view that the NC is the first and most important step to healing your M. If I ever even considered contacting OM, my H would probably boot me out. I know that and I would dread it. Perhaps you need to take a tougher stand. I feel badly for you as you are trying so hard. Time for your H to try harder.

Others here will most likely have more inisight and better answers to help you. Take care.

TA,

My stbx WH has also admitted to sexual addiction and is going to SAA meetings. Until your H is ready to recover the marriage there really isn't much you can do except tough love. The NC letter is a wonderful concept, but if WS isn't truly ready to end it, it means nothing. My WH did many NC letters and when OW called him on it he said I forced him to write the letter or he just did it to make me happy. So don't get bogged down by the letter.

What forced my WH into recovery was the fact that we separated 7 months ago and 2 months ago I started to date someone new. The separation alone did nothing to get him into counseling or SAA because Inever practiced Plan B... we were still in contact (even sexual contact).

Once I went on a date he freaked out and admitted everything to me, started counseling and eventally SAA.

The only draw back to this is that everything happened too late... my love bank was bone dry and boarded up! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Are you in counseling? If not, I would recommend doing so for yourself. Try to find someone who knows quite a bit about SA. You can also find a lot on the web to educate yourself. My WH has been porn free for about 2 months and that is a huge step for SAs.

Good luck!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I , too, am sorry for what you're going through.

I would agree with the others who have posted. No contact is a must. It seems, as one other said, that it's the way he feels when talking to her.

I can testify to the validity of the 'fog' theory, I was in it for YEARS. I think my withdrawal from OP was slight because the R had gone on to the 'real life' stage in many ways. He'd moved closer, and I saw him daily. Furthermore, I separated after the A began, and was separated a year when he moved local. The fantasy had become a stark reality, a reality of being with someone who was not what I thought he was at all. On top of this, I loved my husband still.

(sorry to ramble on)
It sounds like your H is trying to deal with his SA. I do think though he needs to stop all contact, and boldly confront why he feels a need for the fantasy and drama, if I might call it that.

Just as someone else said, I occasionally think of OP, but it's only in negative terms. I haven't talked with him since July when I ended it with him. He did call me in August, but I hung up on him abruptly. I'm still hoping and praying for a reconciliation with my now ExH. Am I curious about what happened to OP? ( he moved back to his area) No, I'm not--as cold as it sounds, I see that my affiliation with him ruined my life as I knew it. My exH will have nothing to do with me.

That leads me to think--maybe you're a bit too tolerant of his behavior? In other words, you're fulfilling his SN"s, being a good wife to him, and he's calling this woman and giving you excuses as to why he's doing it. I don't know what to suggest, just something I thought of. I'm not as well versed in MB principles as many here are. But, bottom line, I would DEMAND no contact at all. YOur feelings should come before his own, or the OW's. Who cares how she feels about the end of their R? You're his wife.

Sorry for the disjointed aspect of this. By the way, in your post you said you were 'poor and common.' Please don't put yourself down that way. It's obvious from your posting that you are an intelligent, caring woman. You sound uncommonly kind and 'rich' in loving, to me...to want to work it out with him after all you've been through with him.

God Bless,
H_P

Thank you for your replies - your warm support reduced me to tears.

One complication is that the sexual addiction problem stopped suddenly two years ago, when the latest affair started. He feels that this is because, for the first time, he told someone all about his past, the prostitutes, the affairs, the double life he had been living for over ten years. He feels that this revelation was the turning point, and that telling the same truth to me has had the same effect. But neither of us can know whether the problem has really dried up, or how much this was due to OW. It may be that he transferred the adictive system to her in some way, and I wonder if he's scared that it will come back without her presence in his life?

I have pointed out to him that OW's 'forgiveness' of him for his past was worthless - it wasn't her he'd cheated, and it wasn't her pardon to give.

I also know that he hasn't been able to break off contact with any of the many women he's been involved with, even the cyber affair where he flew thousands of miles to have (unprotected) sex with a woman he'd never physically met before. But I've seen the emails where he's maintained friendly contact with these women, even during the affair with OW. The psychiatrist has suggested that this is an insecurity issue - safety in numbers and all that. I think that it's a way to hide his guilt from himself - if he convinces himself that these are honourable relationships, he won't feel so bad about what he's done.

So a formal NC would be a significant change in his behaviour, and I feel he has a long voyage of self-discovery before he gets to that stage. He seems willing to undertake the journey; I just don't know if I can last out through the pain.

<small>[ December 24, 2002, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: TogetherAlone ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TogetherAlone:
<strong> even the cyber affair where he flew thousands of miles to have (unprotected) sex with a woman he'd never physically met before.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TA,

My WH did the same thing... flew out-of-state to meet a woman and have sex with her. Have you been tested for STDs? I just had my doctor run a gamut of tests last month and so far so good.

My WH also had many cyber affairs and phone sex plus a huge need for porn. One month he ran up over $50 in pay per view porn movies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

It's a long painful road and only you can answer and decide just how long you can stay and support him. At times it will seem it's all at your self esteem expense.

Is your H openly communicating with you or is he trying to go it alone? He needs 1 or more accountability partners plus honest, open communication with you. If he tries to go it alone then he is still in denial and it will only raise your anxieties if he's not sharing his recovery with you.

There are many great books out there!!

Keep posting here for support!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ December 24, 2002, 04:28 PM: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</small>