Yesterday was terrible for me. My W asked me if it would be alright to go to a dinner with OM family. She is trying to be upfront with things, to a point anyway. But I must be an idiot. Am I wrong to think this request is a slap in the face? We got in a big fight about how I could not believe she wanted to spend X-mas eve with him and leave her kids at home. She said she would spend it with the kids, the dinner would only be an hour or so.
I can not handle the pain this brings to me.

Now my question. Would it be a bad idea to call OM and find oout what his intentions are. Find out if he even knows whats really going on and if he would back off for a while with NC. I don't know what else to do..
CD

do not contact OM. It will give your W fuel to feed her continuance of A. No contact.

This is an odd request, are you seperated? Is the om family somehow part of your lives (relatives, long time family friends etc. etc.). Is she going to this dinner solely as an affair issue, pursuit of the om, or for some other reason and he is there also?

If this is a "date" and you are attempting to reconcille/recover and living together of course it is not ok. And asking your "permission" what is that about, she is an adult she can do whatever she wants, and I assume (from what you wrote) when you said no, she got angry...so why did she even "ask". Apparently she wasn't asking, she was informing, big difference. If she is going on a date with om, you have few options, it is not ok, and she needs to move out of your house until she decides to reconcille or divorce, you cannot and should not tolerate an in your face affair. It does you no good (and a lot of harm) and does her no good either (she is being taught there are no consequences for inappropriate behaviour). As for the om, there seems to be little benefit to contacting him, other than informing him you are trying to save your marriage (cause oftentimes the ws lies considerably about their marriage). If he has any ethics (and surprisingly many ws do), he may very well end the affair until she has cleaned up her life. I would not confront him, and probably wait till after christmas at this point though. If he blows you off, no further reason to interact with him....it is your call (so to speak).

Steve Harley has advised others here to contact the OM in order for them to see a real live person on the other end and to discuss the OM's intentions. Some here have done this. I hope redhat sees this thread, because he did contact the OM.

CD -

Please remember, this is just my opinion...

You can not control your wife. You control your life, and to some extent your children's lifes. If it were me, I would tell her that this hurts you a great deal, but you can not stop her. However, there are natural consequences for peoples actions. That is not a threat. It is a fact. The pain you will feel will start the 'distancing' process.

She has to understand this is HER choice. And there are good and BAD consequences to our choices and actions. Be calm and non-threatening while explaining this to her.

Good Luck

Gib

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by citydweller:
<strong>Yesterday was terrible for me. My W asked me if it would be alright to go to a dinner with OM family. She is trying to be upfront with things, to a point anyway. But I must be an idiot. Am I wrong to think this request is a slap in the face? CD</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry to add another post, but this is where I would draw a line and set a strict boundary. Yes, it is a lovebuster, but there has to be a limit. Being "upfront" does not erase the audacity and cruelty of her request.

Thanks, I see I need to fill you in a little more.

W has filled out all the D papers online, I sent them to a friend to look them over. He works with this stuff. I don't know what I want to do, sign and move on or make her serve me and wait the 3 months to be finalized. I feel like if I sign it won't bring in more bad feelings and maybe give us a better chance down the road. But then why should I make it easy for her?
She is constantly asking why I won't give her a D, but I can't stop her. If I sign does it look like I am agreeing?
She said she has been asking for a D for months now, thats not true. I think since I was deployed she has gotten closer to this guy and now wants me out. She has wanted to seperate, but before I left she I asked her not to contact this guy. Well from what I saw, she talked to him almost every day. Somedays therer was as many as 9 calls from her or to her. She has recently (in the last two weeks) started sleeping down stairs. Hasn't moved any of her stuff down, just sleeping down stairs.

I think I want to see this guy and let him know what he is doing or encouraging.
I just don't know what is the right thing to do.
Cd

CD,
It looks like the real reason she wants a D is comming out. I (and probably you see it also) could never understand her reasons, it didn't make sense. Looks like the real reason is she wants to chase after OM. I think we already know what OM's intentions are, after all, she's married, and he is spending time with her. On the odd chance that he doesn't know, ( meaning she has lied to him, as many do) it may be good to contact him. But you shouldn't get your hopes up, often OM lies about what they know and what they want so it usually doesn't do any good to believe them. If it would make you feel better and bring closeure to you then you should consider it.

You are right when you say what kind of person leaves their family on Christmas Eve to spend time with someone else, I wouldn't leave my children even to spend time with my parents, unless my parents were ill, or in a rest home or something. She is deep in the fog, and you need to figure out what you are going to do about it.

I recommend you not do anything untill after the holidays. I believe you are wanting to let her have the D she has asked for. I hope you are praying for help, and I hope you are getting it.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you, and your little family. I am praying you can find peace in your heart no matter what she does.

Some day she will wake up and ask herself "What have I done." We don't know when it will be, and we don't know where you will be.

Remember whose birthday we celebrate tomorrow, and remember how he treated others, even those taken in Adultry. See if you can get those kind of feelings for your W, you will be the better for it if you can. Cry a lot, it helps me sometimes, and when you are finished crying, get up and do the things you have to do to keep your family going. Sometimes it seems like we won't make it, but I believe you will. Minute, by minute, hour by hour, day by day, I think you will make it. Read some of your favorite scriptures, try to count your blessings, surely you still have many.

Remember you have lots of friends out here, and we really do care.

SS

<small>[ December 24, 2002, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hello CD,
I'm sorry to hear that things are not getting better.
It sounds like your wifes OM is not married or am I wrong?

In my case, I confronted the OM the same day that I found out the truth. He went into shock and went into hiding only because he was married too, with children and was afraid that I would tell his wife. For us it was a good thing that I did what I did. I didn't have to tell his wife, he was so messed up that he told her out of fear that I would if he didn't. Don't get me wrong, it was very hard and took alot of counseling, prayer and hard work to get through but we did recover.
Things aren't fun and exciting when the dirty little secret is out in the open.
God bless you and hang in there, this too shall pass.
SH

Well I called OM today. He was under the impression that we were already seperated and
D-ing. Well we are getting a D now but I think if he wasn't there I could of had a chance. He said it was her dicicion if they saw each other again. I asked if he wouold have NC for 3 months. He said he would think about it and maybe talk to his dad, who has been D 3 times.
Well the wife came home and was upset that I would call him. OM called her and said he didn't want to cause any problems and thought they shouldn't see each other again. She now really hates me for pushing away everyone that cared about her.
She still doesn't want to tell everyone that we are getting a divorce. I feel like we should, and let everyone know what she has been up to. No more running around in secret. But that would hurt any chance of getting back together, if I even have one.
She still left and is having dinner with his family. I can't believe how much this hurts. I can't believe how cold and hard she is. I am trying to keep a happy face for my kids, but I can't. I am all alone!
CD

Just a thought --

Sunlight is the greatest disinfectant.

Last Christmas, I thought I was doing what was best for my M by protecting my H from the consequences of his having broken my arm because I threatened to call OW (at that point, I believed him that she was pursuing him and he was too nice a guy to hang up the phone.)

Big mistake. The A continued. Had I been more concerned about my own dignity and health, the M might have had more of a chance. Maybe the best thing for your M is to tell people close to you the unadulterated truth, that you are Ding because your W is having an A. Maybe she would wake up.

I cannot believe that I had so little self-respect as to allow him to drop all these hints about having an A and not kick him out of the house!!!

Last Christmas, I thought I was saving the M. This Christmas is worse for me because I think it is too late even if he is totally committed to M. The Love Bank is bankrupt.

Well my W went withus to the family party, although she expressed her negative feelings about it all the way there. I still can not believe she left her two Ds at home while she went to dinner with OM. I have such deep pain and hatred for her right now. I cried all evening while she was gone and feel like it now. I feel I can not let her see my pain any more. She has no reguard for the pain she is causeing me and my Ds. Tonight I found my oldest crying, I asked what was wrong and she said she didn't like this x-mas. I asked why and she replied "all I want is my family together for x-mas. Why does mommy have to leave us all the time." She asked where she was I told her she had things to do, her reply was "she is probably with her friends, You have friends dad, but you don't leave us all the time". This hurt so much to hear her say. You don't think they notice whats going on, but she sure nailed my W on the head. But ofcourse my W will only think I am trying to turn them against her. As much as I want to make this D hard for her, I can't see any benifet from doing so. The only reason I see would be so no one could say I wanted it too. That I signed the papers with out a fight. Yes I am ready for it, but I would like to try and see if we could save it. Like I said, maybe after we are D I can try to date her again. She has mentioned that alot.

Well I hope someone out there is having a Merry X-mas.
CD

City --

Your last post was heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for these problems in your life. Her behavior and attitude are unconscionable. You are doing everything you can to hold this together for yourself and for your daughters. Know that no matter which way this goes, you can hold your head up and look yourself in the eye.

I just want to validate you; you're a very good person and you're faced with an incredible burden and you're doing such a strong and marvelous thing here. Probably the hardest thing you've ever had to face, but you're more than up to the task!

Be strong for you and for your daughters. They need you so very much right now; they feel their world crumbling around them too. They're very, very lucky to have you for their dad.

BTW, I wouldn't buy into that "maybe after we are D I can try to date her again. She has mentioned that a lot" stuff. It's a ploy, a carrot held out to you to get you to go along with this scheme, a sop to smooth and placate. It has nothing to do with reality. Don't fall for it! I'm not saying if this goes to D that you two can't ever get back together, just that why she's saying it is suspect.

You have my very best wishes for peace and resolution in your life. Be strong...

Ammon

CD

I wanted to chime in and just say that I feel for you, man!
My W's contact still continues after more than a year of not having seen the OM in person, and he's still asking her to come live with him. His W is having a revenge A, and My W actually believes that his W "trapped him" by getting pregnant before they got M'd, something stupid like 15 years ago!!!!!!!!

So, we're having a weird Xmas. Lots of closeness, but that pervasive distance between US that she doesn't want anyone else to know about and I can't talk about openly, for fear of driving her away. But my biggest fear is that I'm running out of steam.

In your sitch, I think you're doing the best you can, and are to be admired for being able to hang on as well as you have. The holidays are very rough for me this year, and I won't even presume to imagine how hard they are on you.

Just a couple of things. If you don't want this DV, then STALL. Also, don't let her have the luxury of secrecy anymore. She's filling out DV papers, so tell EVERYBODY why it's happening and that you don't support it. Be true to yourself. You're a good man, you've got wonderful, incredibly perceptive kids, and you all would get a ton of pure happiness if I had any say at all!!!

I love you and your family, please have a good rest of the holiday season, okay???

Well, I think I have decided to move out. I can not stand the pain of seeing her talk to him on the phone. she has had her cell phone with her at all time for the last few months. It has gotten so bad she sleeps with it. I told her I will be out by the first of the year. She asked why not wait til I sign the papers? Whats the differance?

OK, I just had a question run through my mind.
I think she wants me to sign so it looks like we both agree that we need a divorce so, should i move out and make her serve me, or stay home and make her leave and serve me?
I have another house where I can go live so a pace to live is not a problem. I just think it needs to be exposed for what it really is. I am killing my self by thinking all she wants to do is be with this guy and talk to him. But I have been here for everything she needs, so if I cut all contact with her would she start to miss me? would she need me? For the sake of the kids I don't want to ruin any chance we might have down the road. But I am always here for her and I think I am ready to start telling people we are Ding.
I am starting to hate her for everything she has done and for not caring about any of the pain she is bringing to the family.
CD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by citydweller:
<strong>I think she wants me to sign so it looks like we both agree that we need a divorce...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This could be exactly her logic.

Even if it's not her logic, don't fall for it and don't move out of your house.

Take the high road and work for your marriage if you want to try to save it. Do not take any actions in the direction of breaking up your family.

Let her move out, let her file for divorce, let her take all the actions.

This will serve two very important purposes:

1. She will consciously have to make the decisions - much harder for her than you doing it.

2. If a divorce ends up happeming, you'll be in a much better emotional position knowing you did every thing you could to recover the marriage and keep the family together.

BUT - the only way you can end up guilt free is to work your a$$ off in Plan A.

You don't need to tell everybody you're divorcing until she files or moves out. Then just answer questions honestly.

citydeweller
I read your post and just wanted to give you some support for all of this pain you are going through especially during this time of year. I wish I can talk to your wife and make her seen all the damage she has done to your kids and to her integraty and morals not to mention all the pain you have had to endure.
Your wife may think that the grass is greener on the other side and it is definately not. You see I am a wh, had a ea for 2 months, both my w and I are recovering and are more in love now than ever before. I thank God I came to my senses before it went to far. But there were times I thought it would be better with ow b/c of all the tension between my w and my business partners which also is some of my extended family(uncles,cousin. But nothing can take the place of staying as a family and loving each other.
So if she wants a d and you don't, explain to her with out yelling that she will miss the kids on christmas morning and some other holidays you are there father and are going to be a big part of your kids life and that you are going to take them for vacations and holiday, etc. And if you are a loving parent and listen to your kids when they are old enough they will remeber that you were there for them and your wife was not and they may choose to live with you.
Again my prayers are with you and hopefully 2003 will be a better year.