My WH and I have been separated for almost a year. I've told him time and again I was done trying to make the marriage work, yet he kept coming around. I tried to let him down easy, but I failed miserably.

I started dating again and was spending time with a man who allowed me to relax and not think about te stresses in my life.

WH called him recently and this man told me I should tie up my loose ends. He said my life was too complicated and he didn't want the stress in his life. The only time my life wasn't complicated is when I was with this man. We never took it beyond a kiss, but now my WH has once again messed up my happiness.

Now I'm obsessing about the last OW again... she's invading my dreams and I have such anger and hatred towards WH and OW. Why towards the OW you ask? Well, this OW has been in the same organization as I for many years and I saw the signs of her trying to get with my H since he started working in her office. My H is not the first MM she has been with or attempted to be with. She has never been married, yet goes for MM. I have had anger towards her since before they actually stepped over the line of frienship.

I've been trying to move on, but WH always seems to mess up my life!!

I could just scream!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Dear Free2BMe -

I'm sorry you are posting this on Christmas and I hear your pain and anger.

I can understand the lasting resentment, and now that you are separated, the feeling that you want to "move on".

But, it looks like you are actually still married to your WH, even though you have been separated for a year. If you really want to move on and do not want him in your life at all, then you need to get divorced. Is this something that is in the pipeline? Until and unless you are legally divorced, your WH has every reason to believe he has a chance to win you back, and if, as you say, he seems determined to try, then he will consider every other man you go out with a serious rival.

You are also giving a mixed message to the new man - you are still married, so he doesn't really know where you are coming from, and if, after a year of separation, you still have not made moves to divorce, he is right to say that you need to "tie up your loose ends" if you want to move on.

I know it must be really frustrating, to put it mildly, to feel that H is following you around and messing up any new R you may start, but its you who has to decide what you really want, so its clear to everyone. If you really don't want H back, then get divorced and get it over with. If you are not sure, and the thought of making that decision scares you, I think that means that deep down, underneath the anger, you still have feelings for H, and some hope. Now might be the right time to start marriage counselling. Would H go to marriage counselling at this point?

Feeling anger and resentment is a natural part of the grieving process, but you will eventually pass through it. You will, however get stuck in bitterness and resentment if you do not take positive steps to move forward. You cannot move forward into new relationships if you are actually still married.

I hope this helps - I haven't read your story, so maybe I am off base here.

I hope you are doing something nice for yourself this Christmas.

LIR

L_I_R,

Merry Christmas!

I dropped divorce papers to WH 2 days ago. The paperwork was in the process, but I had many things going on at work and also with my college so WH was mad I wasn't making the divorce top priority. He called this man to have him push me forward to do the paperwork... and I guess it worked since I did the paperwork much quicker, but with added anger and hatred.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond and share your thoughts!

Blessings!

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Gosh, that was fast!

But thumbs up to you - F2BMe! Sounds like you know what is best for you now and are doing what you have to do.

I'm sorry for the added anger and bitterness - I think it is normal for your anger towards the OW to rear its ugly head whenever something triggers memories of the pain of the A, but with time, and with you building a positive life for yourself, the bad memories you have should eventually cease to have power over you - I am sure they will never really go away, but should diminish in intensity as time goes on. One day you will wake up and realize that you have a good life, and that she has only her guilty conscience to live with!

But anger is part of the grieving process. Good luck with your new friend. Perhaps when he sees that you are moving ahead with the divorce, you may grow closer. Whatever happens, I am sure you will now feel more in control of your life.

Have a good Christmas - I'm getting back to my boys now and starting Christmas dinner!

Cheers!

LIR