The short story: My X began an EA about 4 years ago whiched turned into a PA summer 2001. We divorced ealier this year. She has talked about coming back and at times I thought she was going to. Even to the point of packing stuff up. Not long ago we were together for the night and even had sex. Afterwards she re-committed to the OM. Now she is talking about marriage with the OM and says she is in-love with him. He is in-love with her. I don't think anyone doubts that. The OM doesn't have a clue about what has been going on. I know my X hasn't told him anything about the extent of our content and certainly not about staying with me that night.

This doesn't sound like being in-love to me. How can they make it when the R started from and A and my X has already cheated on him with me?

This is all very hard for me to understand.

You may be able to win her back if you plan a and show her your love like crazy. Otherwise she will prob. marry om, right or wrong.. sounds lik eshe needs her fantasy relationship now. Read this site and the books, it does help. God wants you to reconcile your marriage if at all possible, and that can't be done if she remarries. Try a program called divorcecare. YOu can find info at divorcecare.com on the internet for a church near you offereing it.

Happiness and peace, this is a difficult dilemma.

Hugs, HOney

I've been over most of this site and winning her back is no longer an option in my opinion. Yes, she is in her fantasy relationship. I'm pretty sure she is the "mother" to him. With the OM she has the freedom to run the house her way. He's happy as long as he gets to keep doing the things he enjoys doing and she joins him on some. Our R was different. We decided things together. I'm not one to knuckle under.

I'm afraid their relationship is going to have to run its course and by that time it will be too late. I think it is already too late.

My questions are about love, relationships and understanding how women can to some of the things they do. How can you build a marriage with someone you've cheated on and hid contact with your X from? I mean a lot of contact! For a while we're meeting twice a week and emailing daily. Trying to see what we've got left. Every time we'd get close I'd feel her slipping away and I'd blow it by LB'ing. She wouldn't understand when I'd get upset and blame her not coming back on me.

be unfaithful and in-love? No, I don't think so. Your w has demonstrated she is a user, using both you and the om to satisfy whatever it is she wants (and that is definitely not love). You are very lucky to know what kind of woman she is....betraying you, then betraying her boyfriend (and apparently soon to be fiance)....why in the world would you even consider a relationship with such a woman?....Would you seek someone like this out if you were making a list of desireable traits in a mate? This isn't about her, or love, this is about YOU, and why you would even consider choosing an unworthy partner. Consider this a gift of truth from her, and you also need to consider why you participated in her unfaithfullness to her boyfriend. Even if you were unclear what committments she had with him, you still are divorced and shouldn't be sleeping with someone you are not married too. You apparently need to do a lot of work on setting your own boundaries, and sticking to them.

<small>[ December 25, 2002, 08:53 AM: Message edited by: LurkingAbout ]</small>

My X is an interesting person to be sure. I didn't sleep with her until I thought she was back. It is only by pure chance the OM didn't know about it. We were making moving plans for her. To be honest the sex was to prove we could do it. To prove that the desire was their. To prove to myslef that I could be with her and not think about her with the OM.

Why would I want her? Because I spent 9 years of my life loving her through things I thought no marriage could survive. Each time I would dig deeper and find out how much I do love her. She is very mixed up and confused, but I know I will never love someone as I love her. I will love again, but differently. I doubt I will love as deeply. I will be too watchful. She is with someone that is blind to her.

I don't think your wife even UNDERSTANDS the concept of love so that is a moot point. She is motivated more by the feeling de'jour than by committment. No doubt, she will get tired of the OM and quickly move onto her next "love."

No. I don't think she will quickly move on. My X does not have the financial ability to care for herself and I don't think she will give up the life she had. The OM is a former friend of mine and being with him allows her to keep part of her life and shared friends. The OM and I are both engineers and work at the same place, but not together or even in the same building.

I agree with you that she does not understand the concept of love. She says the OM accepts her and gives her confidence. She has BPD and the OM likes her just the way she is wheras I want her to get the help she needs. When she talks to me I find he does want her to change, but she doesn't see it.

I think the hardest part for me is knowing that she could be happy with the OM if she can straighten herself out. I just don't see that happening and so I think it will end in disaster. Maybe that is wishful thinking on my part. I hope not. I'd like to think better of myself.

Update.

X promised she'd have the kids (hers by previous marriage) call me Christmas Day. It didn't happen. She didn't even tell the father who has primary custody that she was taking them to the OM's family in Indiana (12 hours away) for Christmas and didn't have the kids call him either.

That is messed up.

Why are you surprised? Haven't her words and her actions proved they are not one in the same? She is definetely a cake woman, and until she grows up, will continue to be one. The OM will learn soon enough that what goes around comes around.