Well that was some venting and I am sure alot more to come get it all out everything your thinking and feeling !!!!!!!!!!!!

It is the steps to healing , there are going to be some really horriable days ahead and some where u are so numb that those may be good days .

Listen I know this don't make u feel any better but I know exactly what u are going through .

Well that was some venting and I am sure alot more to come get it all out everything your thinking and feeling !!!!!!!!!!!!

It is the steps to healing , there are going to be some really horriable days ahead and some where u are so numb that those may be good days .

Listen I know this don't make u feel any better but I know exactly what u are going through .

I can't give u any answers to those questions , but leave him be . U can't fix someone elses mistakes.
If he recks his life thats his problem be there for u and u alone .
Be as selfish for your needs as u have to , if u move on and there is a chance u will find your way back to one another .

Don't let him back with out NC because it will bring u down so far down that getting up will feel like u where hit by TYSON(MIKE)LOL

When some one dies they say there is a greving process ,anger ,guilt, regret and DEPRESION

I know I lost both PARENTS IN PAST 5 yrs.

MY H having affair and I will tell any one the things that threw me over the edge was

1-THE LIES
2-Coming back when I did not beg him he begged me , promised ,cried and swore that it was done with OW
If H would have not come back I may have been in my own recovery andf fixed myself .

I hate this Ow and myself for being sucked back in .

DON"T LET IT HAPPEN TO U , better he leave this fast then what u will go through with him doing it in your face .

I don't no personaly each of u but I put my money on that he will come back again .

VERY OLD SAYING - If u love something set it free if it comes back its yours if it don't HIS LOSS!!LOL,LOL

I don't belive true love dies , If 2 people are in love it will never go away .JMO

Be well and cry , punch , scream feel sorry for yourself u are aloud . U be u never fake and take your time this was done to u , U ARE NOT TO BLAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
If I upset u in any way sorry I ramble alot my thoughts are with u

First of all, she is not his "friend".

She is his girlfriend.

A friend would show him the door, or say, hey, let me drive you home so you can be with your WIFE on Christmas.

So, please don't buy that whole "friend" thing. She never was his friend. Friends don't help you keep secrets from your family. Friends don't help break up your marriage. She is NOT HIS FRIEND.

I know you hurt. You hurt so bad you can't see that you have lost all sense of your self. This man needs to leave your life for a short while so you can regain perspective. You need some time alone, without him. Regain yourself, THEN make decisions.

Last I heard, you have to sign the papers to have a divorce. Kick him out, let him be with her. Let her "win". He doesn't even know what he wants. Let her deal with his indecision and his unsuredness.

Post here a lot, people will answer back. Go to a used bookstore, stockpile up on breakup books.

This man has no respect for you. Plan A? No way, it does NOT mean you are a doormat!

If my H came back and showed me this behaviour, this time around, he'd get the door with his suitcases packed on the front porch. I could only deal with one DDay out of sheer sanity.

Deep breath, pack his suitcases.

A good book or movie to watch is "Waiting to Exhale".

<small>[ December 26, 2002, 10:33 PM: Message edited by: KS ]</small>

killjoy,
I am an OW (or was) so you may not want to hear from me. However, I agree w/ the others. H can not rebuild your M and maintain contact w/ the OW. I am sure it hurts. If he is unwilling to return home and make an honest effort to rebuild your M I think your best bet is to cut off contact w/ him. He is being totally disrespectful in continuing contact w/ OW. Nor would I believe he is merely just "falling asleep". I know you are in pain but remember to take care of yourself first and foremost. Good luck. fs

Note to all: I post on TOW as femalesargeant and used to post here as SOW22MM (or something similiar but couldn't recall password). tewjtm = the ends will justify the means.

Thanks guys. I'm God well, I don't even know what I'm feeling right now.

But I came to a disision about something small in my life that I need to change. It's off topic , but I found a symbolizem here. Humore me.

I'm giving up cigarettes! I'm quiting. I know there discusting , bad for me, and self destructive.I'm not going to wean my self off of them I'm quiting cold turkey. It will be hard. I will want to buy a pack, but I won't.I will go through withdrawl becouse I have to. And I'll still want them even though there bad for me. But that's what I'm going to do. For me.

Can you see the symbolizem here. I'm proveing to myself that adictions can be broken. And I'm not going to sercume to temptation. And that if you truely want something you can do it! Even if it's going to be so hard.

As for anything else in my life! I just don't know. I will be working on myself my goals, my children. That's all. I called this morning left a message saying that I won't be droping off the clothes I will leave them out side the apartment he can come get them but I don't want to see him or talk to him. I'm watching some nabore kids today and won't be able to fit them all in the van.

I suspect he will stay mad at me for a long time, think I am a frode, get closer with her, etc. So I'm trying to prepare myself mentaly for that. I just am in such shock. I thought he finally saw the light. I can't stand it. I really wish he never told me I was the love of his life, or that if it took years to get me back he would try, or that he loves me and the kids more than her. Those words will hant me, of the could have beens.

I just saw your post , I guess we were typing the same time before tewjtm.

I don't have a problem or beaf with Ow's in general, just mine. I didn't dislike her becouse she cheated with my h, though that was a strike against her. I don't like her for the person I've come to know she is and the lies she's said about me and minipulation she has done, with regards to my h and children. She is a peice of work. I have couple of OW on line that I consider friends. I apreciate everyones point of veiw.

And yours belive it or not is the clencher for me. I know she has a reason she's playing the friend card, and it's to get my h back.

He always puts us in the same catagory. He tells me remember when you wanted to be friends with me even though I was going to marry her.I said yes we've been friends since I was 13, of course I didn't want to loose that . It's hardly the same. I will never be in the same catagory.

Thank you for your insight, it is truely apreciated. I'm not a Bs who hates OW'S or even holds anger to my WS. I'm just so hurt and anger is the easiest emotion to portray, with out feeling volnerable.

Killjoy,
I doubt the affair ended, so what you are dealing with is an ongoing affair. It isn't a new start to the A, it's just never stopped. And the lies continued.

He can't live with her and work on your marriage. If he thinks he can, he's delusional.

If you were Plan B, go back to it. Apparently the last time, she wasn't able to meet all his needs, because he came home.

This time, Plan B, and if he wants to reconcile, the first thing he needs to do is move out of her place, into his own, because if he's with her, he's probably lying to both of you. If he comes home, you'll go through this again.

Did I mention my H & I had 7 separations? Over a period of 21 months, he was out of the house 14 months. You don't want to do that.

But, if you have any interest in reconciling with your H at some point, Plan B is your best option. You may feel like a divorce is better...but I'd advise you to wait 2 months before moving on that, just so your decision is not made hastily out of hurt and anger. At least if you wait, even that long, you'll have thought it through.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

My H & I have been in recovery for 2 1/2 years, he still works with the FOW, but there's no friendship or "chatting" there. Just communication for work as needed. I did serve divorce papers in the 7th separation, nearly 2 years after his PA had started.

But, don't start a process that in your heart, you don't want, because once the divorce is started, it is far more likely that you will be divorced than reconciled.

IMHO I think you've got the right idea that need to operate from strength even though it's difficult. Do not beg, whine, be needy. Let him go. When/if he wakes up from the fog he will see a strong spouse who deserves to be respected. Take care.

Killjoy! NOOOOOOOOOO He cannot have friendship. And he fell asleep there? Ah, no way honey, He slept with her and is still sleeping with her. He has no business even talking to her, but he's lying to you up one side and down the other. And on Christmas he was there? Get real even though I know it hurts like hell. He's using you both and having his cake and eating it too. He has to break it off completely forever and I'd want to hear him do it. Anymore contact and he could just move out again. He doesn't have a freindship with this woman, he's still having an A. Plain and simple. And he's continueing to hurt you with it. If he wanted his marriage to work,he'd dump her on her as- for good. You do not have to accept this behavior. You set the rules, one of you has to go. And you don't need him if he's still going to her. There is no such thing as friendship and sleeping over because he fell asleep? He belongs with you on Christmas eve anyway. Not at her house!If mine continued any kind of contact, he'd be out on the street for good! WAke up honey. LouLou

killjoy,
Thx. Good luck in quitting. I have never smoked but I hear it is hard to quit. And again, take care. tew

Well I already broke down and bought a pack, so much for the symbolizem.lol.

I feel better to day, numb but better. I got my house clean! And cut back drimaticly on the cigs. Well tommorow I'm going for the deep cleaning. No word from h. So we'll see what happens sunday!!!!!!!!! I'm guessing he stays there! Anyone want to make a bet!

OK I am a smoker , I commend u for the effort but now is not the time to stop smoking as a matter a fact I took up drinking LOL,LOL,LOL

Good Luck keep moving cleaning ,shopping and I here the best thing is KICK BOXING !!!!!!!!!LOL

No joke I was reading some where along time ago that it was one of the most recomended activitys in stress situations I going to try it FINNALLY

And worst case is I will be able to kick the shi*
out of my H dirty SLUT!!!!!!!!

LOL,LOL

3isacrowd.LOL I love it. Go for the kick boxing. I think I could kick the Sh-- out of my H's dirty slut anyway. She's too obese to run too. LOL I am going to start up a great exercise program too just to try to firm up since gravity takes over at my age. LOL About the smoking, I, too, need to quit. But when going through all the pain of A that H had, my therapist said do not try now. Quite a switch as all doctors say quit! So Stronger, now is not the time. I now it's a crutch for us, but hey, we do need it sometimes. There are so many things to work on that have to be put in the priority chain. So wait until you feel more able to deal with the stresses. And healing has taken place with the other problems. Even cutting down will help and staying busy is one way to cut down. Also, a book I have from the American cancer society on stopping suggest drinking tons of water daily. And deep breathing for at least 20 seconds when urge strikes. It helps to get past the craving which they say last about 20 seconds. I can tell you I need to quit, but family would have to scrape me off ceiling right now. LOL So maybe we can do it together later on this year. Good luck, LouLou

killjoy,

This is really not a good time to quit smoking. The stress of quitting is enormous and you have enough on your plate as it is.

I would also suggest that you quit calling over there, it just gives him more ammunition against you. I would wait a few days to let him know you are not going to die without him and then mail him a good Plan B letter. Speaking of Plan B, is there a 3rd party that can act as the go-between to transfer the children for visits?

And I hope you do understand that this OW is not and has never been your friend. Hers are the actions of an ENEMY, not a friend. She is the ENEMY of you and your children.