Hello all...I am new here...and I need help badly...I started cheating on my husband about 7 years ago...I told him I no longer was in love with him..and that I was in love with another man...A mutual friend at the time that lived with us...I was also drinking alot at the time. This friend and I would get drunk together and do things right under my husbands nose..in the same house...He knew it was going on...but kept for some reason, encouraging me...Then it all blew up one night when he actually woke up and caught us in the act...He beat the crap out of the friend..then came after me...And beat the crap out of me..It took some time..but I thought he forgave me...Then a couple of years later...I did it again...I didn't physically cheat...But I told him I was in love with another man..actually took him to meet the man...All the while, hubby is encouraging me....After that all ended...I did it again...same thing, different man...no physical cheating...hubby and I are still together after all of this...Then about six months ago...I met a guy on the net...and I wanted to meet him...Hubby said it was ok...and actually took me to our meeting place...Then got really angry with me for doing it....To sum it all up...Ok..Now I have decided recently through some miracle breakthrough that I am in fact very much in love with my husband...and that I want our relationship back...I am tired of being just friends....I want it all...And I am commited to doing ANYTHING to get it back...Problem...Hubby does not want it back...He says that all he can offer me right now is friendship...that he still loves me..but he doesn't know if he can ever trust me again...And he doesn't know if he is willing to try to make our marriage work or not...And he won't make a decision...He just keeps saying that he needs time to make up his mind whether he can trust me again...He doesn't believe that I am in love with him..and that I have changed...And he won't go for help and he won't listen to anything I say about this website...He doesn't want to hear it and he doesn't want help...And now he says that he is putting himself first for once in our 14 year marriage...and that my needs no longer matter...He wants to have friends...his own friends..and goes places with them and leaves me completely out...I am very angry about this..and I don't know what to do...And its not just male friends that he wants...So what do I do now? I want my husband back desperately...

Welcome to MB, Cheated. Sorry for the reasons that brought you here and for your uniquely difficult situation.

You are not the only one to experience such struggles and I'm sure others will be along to share their experiences and opinions and concerns.

If you've been here long at all, you'll know to read up on all the info for newcomers.

If your H won't go for counselling, I would urge you to go. There must have been something wrong for you to look to men other than your husband and it could involve issues that go back to your childhood--you mentioned that your H beat you--was that a usual thing or one-time because he was so livid at catching you and OM?

If your H offers friendship, take that for now. Determine to renew your love for him and do whatever you can to rebuild your marriage. It will be hard because it is now a one-way street but I would encourage you to try your best to prove that you intend to be trustworthy from now on.

Take care.

I think what Freshstart said made a lot of sense.
The problem that I see is that you want him to trust you while you have seem to have a history of being untrustworthy and falling in love with other men and at times being physical with them even in your home while your husband is sleeping.
Let's face it if the roles were reversed would you trust your husband after all of the times he told you he had fallen in love with another woman time and again? I think he is protecting his heart from further disrespect, humiliation and pain from you. I think you should be grateful he is willing to extend his friendship because you can build from this position. The bottom line is why should he believe you at all and not believe that you will fall in love with another man down the line. I think you need counseling to understand why in the world you would treat and humiliate your spouse in such a manner if you love him? You have to convince him you have the ability to be committed to a relationship and stop using him until the next man comes along for you to fall in love with. Only time will prove your committment. Please get counseling to understand your behavior so you will stop hurting your husband. I wish you luck.

You must develop patience because it will be essential if you want to rebuild your M. You will also have to change who you've been to become a better you by reading and implementing the MB principles in books like 'His Needs Her Needs''Love Busters' and 'Surviving An Affair'. Your actions will speak more loudly to your H than all the words in the world, and they will make him (at the very least) think that you are indeed on a path of emotional maturity and thus start to open his heart to you once more. Don't despair but take action now.

Last night we talked....and he doesn't want to deal with his emotions...he doesn't want to let them out in the open and deal with them because he says its too painful...and i understand that...but i don't know how we can move forward if he won't try to deal with his issues too...and we talked about separation....and I don't want that....I would do anything for him...but leave him i cannot...i cannot bring myself to break up my family..we have three children together....so we decided that i would give him as much personal space as he needs...let him go out and do his own thing so to speak...but now he is talking about spending the night with friends...he said as a hypothetical question..."what if I decide that I want to leave work and go to my friends house and spend the night?"(he works evenings).."would you be able to deal with that? Without giving me the third degree? What if I decided that I wanted to get a motel room somewhere in the city? To have time by myself? Would you believe that I was alone? Or would you think I was out doing something with another woman?" To this I said that I would have to learn to deal with..because he needs time for himself right now...He needs to put his needs first for right now....I do understand that...But I am so scared...What if he does do these things and I can't handle them? How do I deal with this situation? I don't want him to go somewhere else and spend the night...because I am afraid that he will find someone else....To prove his self worth...

C,
This is my 2¢. You should be working on your plan A rather than worrying and pushing him. Implement plan A ... print out LBQ & ENQ, fill it up for him. Fillin ENs the best he allows you too. Avoid LB. List his complaint about this M and specially about you, change them all. Stop talking about R or A.

It is not about the mistake but what are you going to do about it. M is about equal partnership ... no one should bear the burden more than the other. Your H is a giver and snaped in a huge way. It will be a long a painfull journey but this journey is probably will show how much your love to H is.

-rh-

You'll drive yourself crazy with so many 'what if's'. Many of those 'what if's' may never become reality anyway. The best advice is to NOT resort to love busters (selfish demands, angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, dishonesty, independent behavior, and dishonesty) and many of those 'what if's' will not happen.

OK...I am still confused...But working on it...I know now that i need to start with myself...Improve myself and my attitude before I can expect anything out of him...So somebody please tell me how to use Plan A from the WS point of view...It would be very helpful if someone would outline it for me...I am willing to do ANYTHING to save this relationship...I just need a lot of help...

C,

Make a list of his complaints about you on one coloumn and your actions to show change/change it on the other one. Show change or capable of change to H ... don't even tell him you are doing it. Post your list and the detail if you want someone to commnent on it.

Meanwhile ... change also your appearance the way you like it. Go do your nail, hair and get a nice dress. It works both ways, it makes H curious and make you feel good about yourself.

Avoid LB at all cost.

-rh-

It's not necessarily plan A that you need to implement because plan A is for the BS to negotiate an end to the A and to fulfill as many of the EN's that the WS allows her/him AND since this is not the case in your situation, you don't need to plan A. Redhat gave you great advice as far as printing and filling out the EN and LB questionaires because it is probably there that you will find out what has been missing in your M that you felt the need to look for somewhere else. Since your H doesn't want to fill out the EN and LB questionaires, you will have to do this for him to the best of your abilities to find out what his most EN's are and start on the road to satisfy them, although keep in mind that men's top EN's tend to be women's bottom EN's. AND don't forget about those love busters because all the love units you deposit in his love bank will be withdrawn faster than you put them in IF you are love busting him.

Thank you all for your help...I know I am a pain in the [censored]..but this is all new to me...I have struggled through the holidays alone, depressed and full of self hatred...How do i deal with the pain I feel? To make matters worse...I am angry at myself for feeling pain...I feel as though I have no right to that emotion..And I know that H feels that I have no right to that emotion...But it does hurt...It hurts really bad to know that I hurt him the way I did...And I can never take it back...I can't make it go away no matter what I do....And that hurts....Anyone have any advice on this? And how do learn to deal with my anger and resentment? I have unresolved issues from the past...and I am a very angry resentful person...And now all that anger and resentment is turning in on myself...And sometimes I just want to die...Any advice? And don't tell me I need help...I already know this...I don't have many resources available to me...I live in a small town out of the way of everything...and its hard to go anywhere...

((Cheated)): you cannot change the past. I remember writing a poem (which I am unable to retrieve--posted it in poems around Feb or Mar 2001) shortly after d-day about wishing life was like a computer so I could hit the delete key and erase past mistakes.

Reality dictates that we can't actually wipe out the past. But reality also exists in living out TODAY.

You are making better choices now. You WANT honesty. That is awesome. You WANT your H and your M. You want to become whole.

If resources are limited as far as counselling goes, keep posting here and don't be afraid to ask for people to email you.

Lots of us WS have issues from the past--it doesn't justify the A in any way but it helps to understand why you were thinking that way and to learn a new way of thinking as far as your sense of self-worth goes.

I hope you don't feel judged. Everyone that has posted replies to you cares very much. We are rooting for your recovery.

It's kind of frustrating and I feel like a broken record saying it so often to myself and others, but really it all boils down to taking life one day at a time.

A speaker once said if you have a messy house, you won't be able to clean it up in one day--it took time to create the chaos. The aftermath of an A is like that...it takes time, sometimes just baby steps--please be patient with yourself.

The guys have given you some awesome advice here.

It really is OK to take care of you and start getting better. Hang on to hope.

cheatedandregretit you ARE NOT a pain in the [censored] for asking for help. You ARE NOT alone, we are here to help each other and to give each other support and the ocassional whack in the hiney with a virtual 2x4. Your feelings are natural and your heart is in the right place. You are a good person don't give up on becoming a better person.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cheatedandregretit:
<strong>
...I don't have many resources available to me...I live in a small town out of the way of everything...and its hard to go anywhere...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><==== <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ====> thanks to MB & Internet ... we could help each other. You are already taking the first step, seeking help.

rh

Thank you all for being so kind....I woke up this morning feeling absolutely miserable....I cried all night and I feel like dying today...Don't even know how I am going to make it through this day...H alienates me from everything that has to do with him...He works all the time...How am I supposed to prove anything to him if I never see him? Feels like I only get minutes out of each day...And I want him to know that it is hurting me...but I feel like that is a selfish need....sometimes its just hard to climb out of bed and go on...just feel like curling up and dying....the loneliness is eating away at my soul...just tearing me up...don't know what to do...sometimes feel like he and kids would be far better off without me... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

C,

Your words and your actions are in conflict. I mean this in a kind way. You say you want to save your marriage, yet you are wallowing in your misery. Now I am a fan of wallowing...I have done my fair share of it; but there comes a time to pick yourself up off the floor and get busy saving your marriage.

I am encouraged that you are taking responsibility for your behavior. I believe your depressed feelings come as a result of finaly realizing how your actions have produced the results in your marriage.

Now is the time to become an expert on having a healthy marriage. It will take time and work; it won't happen by itself.

Download the questionnaires, fill them out, and start being a better you. You deserve a better you and so do your children and husband. Read the Harley books - they come quickly when ordered from this website. Start making your actions match your words. Then you might see a difference! Blessings to you, CSue

Cheat,
It is not about the mistake that you had done but it is about what you do to fix it. You have to have faith ... let the one without sin throw the stone ... HE said also ... Go and sin no more. We are all forgiven even before we are committing it and all we need is kneel down and ask for it and repent ourself. We are all HIS children and loved by HIM that even make angels jeaoulus.
Focus, focus, focus on yourself. If your H still rejects you know who you are and let no one tell you otherwise. The losses in this M is yours 'cause of what you had done but the losses of a chance for a better M is his. Take the reponsibility of your previous action but you fix what lies ahead of you. Get medication to help your depression., you need healthier mind and body to ride this 'coaster of your life.

There are many of us doing plan A from far ... showing changes from far. The words will go around to your H about you. Again ... go out to fix yourself good, get a relaxing message, get a hair do, make over yourself ... then make your home a sweet home.

How to plan A ?. Hey, he gave you a lead already ... you have to put his need first. You have to regardless of A or no A.

-rh-

RH-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Focus, focus, focus on yourself. If your H still rejects you know who you are and let no one tell you otherwise. The losses in this M is yours 'cause of what you had done but the losses of a chance for a better M is his. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank You for those words......

They are so true, yet the meaning is so elusive to those with no faith in themselves.

Cheatedandregretit.

In order to keep your emotions from controlling you and sabotaging your efforts to rebuild your M, you will need to hold off ALL expectations for quite some time. Everything that is worth having takes time and effort and rebuilding your M is no exception. Live every day to the best of your abilities and forget about how whether you H will reciprocate. If he sees that you are NOT persuing him and that you are being the best person you can be, he will start to question his judgement about you and will slowly give you the benefit of the doubt. Remember that it will be your actions that will speak louder than all the words in the world. Like the Nike slogan says 'just do it'.

Cheated, it seems hard to believe but you really will get past the pain. You are needed.

Please listen to all your friends here. Work on getting well yourself today...step by step...if you become more whole emotionally, then your relationship with H has a much better chance...

It's hard to see hope right now but lots of great people are giving you awesome advice that will lead to an improved quality of life for you.

My situation was different from yours but I remember the grief of those early days after d-day...today life is so much better in every way. Please don't give up hope and don't give up on yourself.

Hugs to you.

You can email me if you like: buildnewlife@yahoo.ca