Hope everyone had a great holiday!

The Harley's speak of bringing A's out in the open and exposing them to the light of day.
There have been positive and negative comments in the carrying out of the message and resultant fall out.

Please share if you would do anything different when informing the kids of the WS's A. What did you do? How did you do it?

Does anyone regret bringing it out in the open? Please share why or what happened.

Positive and Negative comments encouraged.

I'm editing this part to get some feed back from fellow MBr's

Originally I didn't tell the kids after dday but told them that thier father & I were having problems. (That part was very obvious) OS told me not to stay M'd for the kids, that the 2 older would get the youngest thru it. He said he knew that WH was doing things I didn't like and I agreed.

Inially Steve Harley suggested not to tell them that they knew there were problems and may have figured it out anyway. Later, I thought we were headed for recovery and Steve then said that WH & I should sit down together & tell kids in a general way. That talk never happened.

At this point, I am seriously thinkning of filing & not sure what I going to say to the kids. Please feel free to comment.

D.

<small>[ December 29, 2002, 08:26 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

For reference, see also On revealing the affair to the light of day

WAT

Thanks WAT for the link.

Any additional thoughts especially when it comes to telling the kids?

D.

I have one son who was age 11 at the beginning of my wife's affair.

My WS has never admitted an affair, despite now being married to her former best friend's former husband, after they both left their families about the same time and had become "really close friends." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Her denial has stuck with my son. Early on I tried to explain to him what was happening, but only accomplished "alienating" him (pun intended). As a result, I long ago stopped trying to convince him and am letting him figure out things for himself. I am confident in time that he will.

As far as telling the children, I believe this decision is very much age dependent. In keeping with the concept that affairs must be exposed to the light of day, I say immediately tell adult children, but not pre-adolescent children. It seems a lot of children, both young and old, figure things out on their own - sometimes before the BSs do!

Perhaps the best course is, "let the whole truth prevail." One of my regrets is not following this adage when my wife and I explained to my son that she was moving out. Although I was absolutely sure she was having an affair - I had caught them kissing in the airport, among other things - she denied it. I allowed her explanation to our son to be, "Mom and Dad are not happy with each other and this is what needs to be done for the good of everybody." In hindsight, I should not have agreed with her to explain it this way. While what she said was true in part, it was clearly not the whole truth and I knew it. Looking back, I don't know why I agreed to this explanation. I was suffering from severe depression due to the combination of the loss of our other son and her betrayal.

Subsequently, through my actions, I'm certain that my son realized that I wanted to save our family. Hopefully, down the road, this is what he'll remember and his Mom's initial explanation will have been forgotten.

In summary, the truth will set us free. Shield only the young ones.

Thanks for your response ....

WAT
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It seems a lot of children, both young and old, figure things out on their own - sometimes before the BSs do!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a friend who had a revenge A many years back as her M was falling apart. She told her D who was college age at the time & D had already known about her Dad's A's. My friend was so surprised but BS's can have blinders on that kid don't.

In my case, our OS said that he knew that his Dad was doing things that I didn't like and I agreed and left it at that. OS & D had talked and told me not to stay M cuz of the kids, that they would get YS thru it if we DV.

D.

I told my kids pretty soon after separating, what the reason was. That I wanted to stay, but could not while Mom was seeing other guys. The words were basically rehearsed with Steve Harley.

Without mentioning sex, they already understood a "date" as spending special time with someone. We used to take our kids on "dates" one-to-one, which is important when you have three.

My kids are on the young side for telling, but they had already met at least two of the boyfriends. One at a drive-in movie, while I was out of town on business. Their Mom was telling them I had never loved her, etc, etc. They were trying to sort things out, and now they understand we have different views on the matter. But Mom is still telling them to hide certain things or not speak about certain things. Over time I think this will become more of a problem.

But that does not mean it's better to avoid the subject. Things could easily have been worse. I do not regret telling them.

Since I moved out, the current boyfriend slept over at least once with my kids there. They have co-hosted parties at "my" house. I think that over time her story will not hold up.

This is the year I told my 6-yo daughter who Santa really is. Of course, she had the two older brothers bending her ear already. Even though she "knew", she was upset and teary-eyed. After telling her about the Easter Bunny, hopefully that's the last of it. In the context, it makes me think the parents who don't pretend about Santa probably had the right idea...

- Tom

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong>....In hindsight, I should not have agreed with her to explain it this way. While what she said was true in part, it was clearly not the whole truth and I knew it. Looking back, I don't know why I agreed to this explanation. I was suffering from severe depression due to the combination of the loss of our other son and her betrayal......
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand why you agreed to your W's explanation. I am in a position where I want to do everything I can to save the marriage and keep the family living under the same roof but my WW doesn't want to do that and hasn't really wanted to since D-day #1. My WW wants to tell the kids that we don't love each other anymore and can't live together happily. She doesn't want to bring up anything else because she said the A's (3) were never about the kids.

OK, WAT, so what do you think you should have said?

HoFS

First, I should NOT have agreed with my wife for her intended explanation.

Maybe child psychologists would disagree, but when we sat down with my son, I think I should have let my wife give her reason - knowing I disagreed with it - and then explained to my son that I did not agree that her moving out was the best for everybody and that the real reason was that Mom wanted to be with Mr. <OM> instead of me and hopefully she'd soon change her mind and be back.

Of course, this would have been a HUGE LB - but in hindsight a calculated one that would have given me peace of mind that I told my son the truth and would have prevented any confusion he saw soon afterwards when I told him I wanted Mom to come home.

WAT

I told my kids that Daddy kissed Sophia on the lips. They had heard lots of arguments about Sophia. Unfortuneately, the 3 year old got the kissed on the lips part right but substituted names of several of my friends -- Libby, Dianna, Liz... I learned just to tell her that Daddy did a bad thing but now he is sorry. She had to know that because I did kick him out for two months.

WAT Thanks for sharing what you would have done differently in telling the kids.

tmmx How old were your kids when you told them? Kids are pretty astute & figure out right from wrong.

HoFS The A's may not have been about the kids but they sure are affected by it. Sounds like WW wants to save face - that must be extremely hard to face the kids.

stronger 3 year olds can be so funny (sorry I know this isn't a joking matter) They remember some things and not others. The good thing is they are so quick to forgive.

This is great - keep the stories comming -
Any more experiences with telling kids?

Thanks,

D.

My 2 D (10&13 yr) figure it out way before I do ... 5 months before D-day, a mustache man <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . I don't even need to tell my 2 D since my WW just abandon us in and out the house as her behind like it and stay overnight as she wished. Later I tell and show about OM since they want to confirm it.
-rh-

I haven't told my children. They are age 9 and 5. They know that I don't want the divorce. Tehy don't want the divorce. But they know that 'we don't love each other.' Which is what their mother keeps telling them. Actually I don't care anylonger. Telling them at this stage would be for me and my sense of vengence, not for them. They are confused enough, and will already have enough difficulty in trying to trust their mother and me. I mean, we are the ones who are supposed to be protecting them, and here we are, splitting up.

I just work everyday at making sure that they know that I love them. I pray for us all, and especially my wife, at each prayer. I have told them that this is not something that I want, but have not said that it is something that their mother wants. She wanted the 'we aren't good together' explanation. Which is what we/she gave. I just sat there and picked up the pieces after she told them.

I will tell them if they ever ask about what happened. I guess they will have to be mature enough to understand what the answer to their question is, but I won't know when that is until the time comes. It does not bother me, they love me, and trust me, and I will raise them with the teaching that divorce is NOT the answer. And to make better choices than I did in choosing a wife. That infidelity is without a doubt wrong and that lying is also utterly incorrect and that they should never do any of it. I will find a woman that is worthwhile and show them what a husband and wife should be like. They will never see that in their mother, because she is in so much denial, that even on her best day, she is still screwed up beyond belief.

But am I sorry that I didn't tell them. No. Might it have 'brought it out into the light of day?" Yes, and it might have made her realize that she was being an idiot. But frankly, I don't want an idiot for a wife. Having one for an ex is bad enough.

redhat

I love the pictures of your d's skating. You must me so proud of them!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just work everyday at making sure that they know that I love them. I pray for us all, and especially my wife, at each prayer. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What more could a kid ask for? Actually what more could any of us want - to know that we are loved. They are fortunate to have you as a Dad.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Telling them at this stage would be for me and my sense of vengence, not for them. They are confused enough, and will already have enough difficulty in trying to trust their mother and me. I mean, we are the ones who are supposed to be protecting them, and here we are, splitting up.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't specifically tell the kids either. The oldest said he knew that Dad was doing things that I didn't like and I told him it was correct. I also told them that we were having problems and didn't cover for WH 's bad behavior.

During counseling with Steve Harley, at first suggested that I not tell. At one point, it looked like we might head for recovery & Steve suggested that we tell the kids generally and that we were trying to work some things out. Recovery never happened and now I am wondering if I should tell them ??? also how and what ??

Any input?

Thanks,

D.

Well uh, does anyone get tired of my story about me, a mumu, my Ford Pinto, my three little kids (at the time), and the blaring Chicago tape (that she got for my (then)H)... and uh, it was across the street from OW's (number 2) house - straight out, daylight, blobby me with my three screaming kids... I was insane. So yes, my kids knew all, and they knew it from me.

In my own defense, I was just as open about myself... and when I had my own affair years later, when my kids were all teenagers, I told them the truth. They knew who it was and everything.

Yes, I regret taking them with me to stalk that piece of potty OW... heck, I regret stalking her... because it hurt ME and MY CHILDREN, even though they think it's pretty funny these days... especially since they hate that final OW of their dad, the one he's still seeing. It's been mentioned that I wussed out by not stalking this one... they hate her. Oh well...

NB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well uh, does anyone get tired of my story about me, a mumu, my Ford Pinto, my three little kids (at the time), and the blaring Chicago tape (that she got for my (then)H)... and uh, it was across the street from OW's (number 2) house - straight out, daylight, blobby me with my three screaming kids... I was insane. So yes, my kids knew all, and they knew it from me.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is too funny !!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes, I regret taking them with me to stalk that piece of potty OW... heck, I regret stalking her... because it hurt ME and MY CHILDREN, even though they think it's pretty funny these days... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My best friend's Dad cheated on her Mom. Her Mom took the OS to a hotel in NY to catch the dad as they hid behind a chair!!! I think I remember that they got caught spying! They laughed about it years later as well.

Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I needed to smile tonight!

d

Dear WGTT,
I have tiptoed around the issue of telling the kids for so long. When I first found out in
Feb., 2002, I told them nothing. But when WH left in May, of course I had to say something, so i basically told them that we were having problems, and I wanted to work things out...but dad had left for a while.
Then July came, and we had to sell our house, and move to an apt. WH decided not to move with us, and that was the next time i had to speak up, WH never would tell them anything, so I told them that it was likely at that point that we would get a D because WH was living his life in a way that would not work out if we were to remain a family.This week, I had to tell them that WH was getting remarried (actually he already has, but as you all know it's not legal). I just stressed to them that I did EVERYTHING i could to heal our marriage, and I had wanted it to work out, but that their dear father had a girlfriend now and was going to marry her as soon as the divorce was over. They STILL haven't met her. WH and OW are both deep in the fog, and WH may never resurface. Anyhow, I never passed any big judgments like "Well, WH is bad, and what he's doing is horrible". THey know that in their hearts, and will form their own judments.
God will take care of that part.
I am a little worried because they don't really want to discuss it at all.
Anyways, I will let yall know how things go, and please keep me informed about your situation.
Kk

Looking for more responses .....please

KK,

Thanks for your response. You seemed to tell them what was going on at the time, without too much info then updating them as things changed.

Others have posted positively about the rainbow program - have your kids been involved with that?

You are right that God will take care of the rest, that you dont have to pass judgement, HE will. I have to watch that I don't do the same when the kids are told about the next step. He will be in our lives in some form or fashion as thier father.

That fog must roll in awfull thick from the gulf <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

God Bless,

OS found out in the worst way, heard us arguing, we arguing on whether to tell OS why his dad was leaving.....OS joking asked if we were getting a divorce, I said maybe, OS was unbeliving, it had never entered his mind. He was 15. H then had to tell him why.....

OS & talked about this later, I asked him if he rather had been told, there was problems, OS said he would never have believed his dad had left because of problems.....

YS only found out, 2 ys later when dad really did leave for the OW...he was told at first we were just getting a divorce....h then introduced him to OW within the wk, OS told YS the truth

they both hated her then & more now 18 mths later, they tolorate her when they have to & have as little as possilbe to do with her

thier dad has worked very hard to keep a relationship with the boys, and he still is a very good dad

my OS was forever changed, the whole foundation of not only his world was pulled from him but the foundation of his belifes.....he lost his faith in God and has never recovered it

sing,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> my OS was forever changed, the whole foundation of not only his world was pulled from him but the foundation of his belifes.....he lost his faith in God and has never recovered it
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is heartbreaking. We can only pray that someday his faith will be renewed (sooner rather than later)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> thier dad has worked very hard to keep a relationship with the boys, and he still is a very good dad
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is a blessing and they are fortunate for that. I wish I could say the same for WH but it's as if only his business (and OW) world exist.

The kids are the real loosers in all of this we know. Some of them bounce back and have healthy relationships like my best friend growing up. Her parents Dv because of infidelity. It was nasty, she had to go live with another family for a while. But today my best friend and her sister have the best M's of anyone I know.

Thanks for the responses .... any more?

D.