Well, lets start back a little and tell you that my husband and I have spent a tremendous amount of time together here lately. Let's see, the 12th we were together for a few hours, but he had to go to a meeting. He told me he'd be back on Friday, the 13th. He came back and we had supper together and I helped him fix a meat and cheese tray to take for a gathering after his deer hunting expedition. He told me he would call me the next night and let me know how things went. I told him that I probably wouldn't be home. I'd either be at the fire station with some friends at the annual fire department party or I'd be out going to karaoke celebrating my nieces 26th birthday. On Sunday, I phoned him and told him I would like to talk with him about some things. I had planned to have my tubes tied on Tuesday and he was going to take me, but I broke down and couldn't do it. I told him about it and we talked and then that subject was dropped and we talked all about his weekend, etc. On Monday, the 16th, my daughter got sick and I had to leave work early. My husband had called me and I told him that I wasn't able to stop by the store and asked him if he would mind getting me some things and I would run to his place and pick them up as soon as my son got home. He called later and stated he would bring some things for salads, etc. if I didn't mind him coming for supper. So, he came for supper and was here until about 3 AM. The next day, Tuesday, we both had already taken off work as we were to be going in for my surgery which I had cancelled on Monday, so I had decided to go Christmas shopping and he was going hunting again. Then he called me and asked to go shopping with me. We spent all day shopping, laughing and having fun. I had my counseling that evening and on the way home from shopping I told him to go by the store and I would pick up something for supper that the kids could easily fix. He suggested we go to his house and grab a few frozen pizzas and he would feed the kids. So, I went to counseling and he fed the kids. Then I did a major major mistake and wrote him a letter asking about what his intentions were, etc. I told him that I didn't expect him to come home right away, but I would like to at least know if he was wanting the same thing in reconciliation that I was. He got upset and said that he wasn't coming back. He said some very hateful and hurtful things to me. We got in this long discussion and I cried and then I said some things that I'm sure hit home. I wasn't mean, just matter of fact. He left about 11:00 PM that night. Well, I called him at 11:30 and told him that I was wanting my girls' presents that were in his vehicle dropped off the following night. He told me he would. I didn't go to work the next day as I was too upset. Instead, I go to his work to get the things out of his vehicle. He asked me to talk and I was upset and said, "I thought you said everything you needed to say last night." He again asked me if we could talk He said, "Can't we at least keep this civil and be friends. We talked some. We had planned to spend Christmas together and he asked me if we were still going to. I told him that I didn't know. He asked if I wanted him and his girls here and I told him that I did, but I wanted him there for different reasons than he did. But, we agreed to spend Christmas together and that I would keep his girls over the weekend to bake Christmas cookies, etc. Then I left to go to counseling again. He said, "I thought you were just there last night." I said, "I was, but I need to go again."

Well, my counselor asked me to contact him to see if he would be willing to go in and speak with her so that she could get a better idea of how to help me with all this. He seemed very receptive, asked when his appointment was, what her number was, how to get there, etc. Later that night, he showed up at my house. He told me his daughter missed me and wanted to see me.

While I had been at his work, I mentioned my son wanting to buy a new hunting knife and he offered to take him so on Thursday, he was back again and took my son to town and did some shopping for Christmas stuff. He was here that night again until about 11 PM. He planned to be back on Friday with his girls.

Friday came and he was here until about 11:30 or so. He worked all day Saturday and then called me and asked me if I'd fed the kids and said he'd bring pizza over from Pizza Hut. He was here until about 11 PM that night as well.

On Sunday, my son and him went hunting. I met him with his girls so he could take them back to their mother's around 6 PM and told him to have a nice week. He said, "I'm coming over after I drop them off." So, he was back again Sunday evening and I ended up asking him to leave about 10:30.

I didn't call him at all on Monday nor did he call me. That was very difficult for me. I was really sad and upset.

On Tuesday, I phoned him to see if he planned to come help finish wrapping everything,etc. He told me that he had to go somewhere right after work. I was sad and wondered where. Later I spoke with him as he was to get some things to take to my mother's for dinner. He told me he would pick them up and then broke it to me that his father had changed the time of their Christmas and that he wouldn't be at my mothers. I started to cry, but tried to hold it in. I know he could tell I was disappointed. Then we got into a small tiff because I told him since he didn't want to spend Christmas with us to not bother getting the stuff for my mother's. He said that he never said he didn't want to spend it with us and I told him I would take care of everything.

Well, I went to the store in the town where I work and they didn't have what I wanted, so I swallowed my pride and called him and asked him if he was going to another nearby town after work or what his plans were as I did need him to pick some things up. He said he was going Christmas shopping and I said, "Hey, what are you buying me?" in a joking way. He said, "Actually you're the one I'm buying for and I have no clue, do you mind dropping some hints?" I said, "Nope, this year you are on your own." So he went shopping and then brought supper on Christmas Eve. We wrapped gifts and then we went to my ex-husband's parents so my two children could open a gift we'd all went in on buying. AFter that we came back here and did the whole SAnta thing. He was on the computer and I went to bed at 11 PM. About 1 AM I heard him flipping through the channels on the TV and then heard the TV go off. I figured that he was leaving, but about 1/2 hour later heard him snoring. He slept on my couch all night. He has sleep apnea and needs a machine to sleep with, but still stayed here without it. Hmmm, made me wonder why?

He got up Christmas morning and went to go take a shower at his house before picking up his girls at his ex-wife's. We were waiting to unwrap gifts until they were here. We all unwrapped gifts and hung out for a while and then he went to his folks and I went to my mothers around 11:30. He gave me a hug before we left. About 3:15 PM, he shows up with the girls at my mothers and we stay there for a few hours until he has to take his girls home. When we went to leave, he said, "See ya later." I said, "Have a good day at work tomorrow." He said, "I'm coming over after I drop the girls off." So, he came here last night and we watched a movie and then about 10:30 I told him I had to get to bed as I was tired.

Today, I spoke with him briefly on the phone concerning an issue with one of his daughter's medical bills and the fact that the insurance denied coverage. As I work at the hospital where she was treated, I could find out exactly what was going on etc and found out that the insurance company needed to know exactly what the nature of the accident was to be sure that it wasn't able to be covered by a third party insurance. He said he didn't know where to call and asked if I would mind taking care of it for him. So, I did.

Haven't heard from him since earlier today.

So, he still says he's not coming home, but he's pretty much lived here in some ways other than sleeping and he did that one night. So, that's where I'm at. I don't think he's talked with my counselor yet. I left it up to him to make the appointment and he did seem very interested, but with the holidays and everything who knows. I have counseling on Monday, so I'll find out then. Unless he made it there this past Monday or tonight, I know he hasn't went yet because he's been with me every other day.

So, I'm still in plan A and although I'm making a few mistakes here and there, for the most part, I think I'm doing pretty good. He hugged me yesterday morning and when he did, I kissed his cheek. Then I started tearing up. Last night before he left, I gave him another quick hug, but that's it.

So, what do you think, everyone? How in the heck am I doing so far?

ferbie,
WOW, your's is a CONFUSING situation. Difficult to know what to do. He insists he is not coming home, not getting back together, but then apparently has no desire to be away - his words say one thing, actions say another. My only advice would be (and I think I've said this before) to set boundaries for yourself, be kind but don't go way out of your way to do things for him and make some plans for yourself, don't be so readily available, get out of the house so that you're not always around when he calls or comes over. He wants his "freedom", well that works both ways. Since you're not together and not living together you have no obligation to answer to him about where you are and how you're spending your time. Let him wonder a bit, might do you both some good. I'm not saying you should be out with other men, just get out with friends and enjoy yourself. What I am saying, ferbie, is this, he's never going to see what it is that he's missing unless he's given the opportunity to miss it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hang in there, ferbie. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Almost

<small>[ December 27, 2002, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: Almost There ]</small>

There are a couple problems....

1. I don't have many friends.
2. I don't have money to go out.
3. I have three kids (all from previous relationships) that can't be left home alone.
4. I want to be around my husband and it's very difficult for me to not "allow" him to come over when he wishes to be with me.

Now, I've tried to step back and not call him. Left a quick message on his machine this morning just telling him I enjoyed having him around and that I loved him. He never called me back, but I never asked for him to.

I have to wonder if he wasn't coming around to make sure his girls had a good Christmas as I bought several things for them, etc. I'm feeling so used it's not funny. He did help out with Christmas in some ways, but NO WAY was it equal.

I'm very hurt right now that he hasn't called me and I'm getting back in my pit of despair and agony. I'm scared. A week ago on Tuesday, I had out bottles of pills when we got into it and he said he wasn't coming back. My counselor tells me to hang on, but I don't know if I should. I'm so confused as to what I should do and how I should do it. I have no interests or friends. My life has always been my kids and the man in my life. I'm so utterly pathetic!!!