So, anybody remember me, it's been a long time, but things have been crazy and I've been internet-less! I've got things back now, which is good, I need some encouragement right about now.

Since I last posted I moved 300 miles to get away from everything after my H moved back in with me "to work things out with us" and 3 days later I found him with the OW. I moved and got to doing better, and met someone (a rebound from hell). My H tried to get a job transfer and move here with me, but I told him no on account of the person I was seeing and that I didn't really love him (my H) anymore. This happened twice. One positive of this situation, I for once felt what he had been feeling. Well, of course the rebound didn't work out and I lost complete contact with my H in the process. I tried sending him letters, with no reply. Well, my freind and him happened to be online together a week and a 1/2 ago and asked him why he hadn't replied to my letters, of course, he hadn't received them (he is now living with OW). He had never called me because the OW has all the phones set up that they can't receive or make long distance phone calls, so he gave my friend an anonomus email address for me to contact him at. Finally I got in touch with him.

While home for Christmas we met on Christmas eve for lunch. And that's when I found out, as of December the 5th, we were divorced. I had no idea. After we ate, he ran back to his office to finish up a few things and we planned to meet back up an hour later and finish talking. It was cold and raining, so he made the suggestion of getting a hotel room so that we could talk in private out of the weather and out of a mall parking lot. So we went. We talked, got to making out, one thing let to another and we had sex. We layed there in each other arms and talked some more, got dressed and headed on out. In the parking lot we held each other, kissed each other and said I love you to each other.
Now for the next part, at the end of January he is moving,with OW 1000 miles away. He is working for OW's dad and is getting a job transfer to oversee a project going on.
I am not only dealing this holiday with the fact that I am divorced and didn't even know it, but also that after the fireworks that went off Tuesday, he is moving and I may never see him again. I know at this point I should probally give up, but why can't I stop loving that man?
I realize now that I made the biggest mistake, I shut the door and locked it too soon.

BO,

I have some questions for you, if you don't mind my asking.

I'm in a similar situation, but in the reverse. I am the WP and I have had the about face. My SO is now telling me that he no longer loves me and is telling me to move on because he is in a new "R" with someone. I'm really struggling with trying to hold on and I'm finding myself in conflict about trying to resect his wishes and let him have this "R", and dealing with the pain that his rejection is bringing to me.

What I want to ask is basically what you felt during the time the rebound was going on. What did you feel when your WH decided to work on the r? Were you torn about the situation, or were you completely resolved to moving on? What changed your mind?

I'm sorry to hit you with all ofthis, but I'm hoping that it might give me some data for my own situation.

By the way, as long as your H and you are in contact, there is ALWAYS a chance. I guess the best advice I would offer is to see if you and he could just spend a day together, away from the world and hotel rooms, and try to figure out what you both want. IF He is still willing to WORK on it with you, then perhaps you both can figure out a way to do this.

TBO, it seems that now you are the OW. Are you sure that it is LOVE and not you emotions on not wanting to be alone? You went from Marriage, to a rebound relationship, cutting your WH out of your life because you had someone else to focus on and now that that relationship hasn't worked out, you are back to trying to focus on your marriage again. Something to think about.

To klly,
Well, it was a great tormoil for me. I still had feelings for him and everytime we talked I would melt. I wanted him to come and make our R work, but to be truthful, I had been hurt so bad the last time that I was too scared to be hurt again. The person I was with hadn't hurt me and so that was the point of view I was going on. Basically, I didn't trust my H. I also didn't want to hurt the person I was with. It was a whole mixture of feelings. IMHO, if my H would of went back, broke it off with the OW and told me that if he couldn't have me he didn't want nobody and really prove to me that he did love me and want things to work out, then I think after some time I would of been willing to re-test the water. I just couldn't beleive what all he was saying. Everytime we talked I would ask him when the last time was that he spoke to OW and his reply would always be yesterday. That didn't prove to me anything. I felt that if he did move up here with me and "got me back", then as soon as he felt that he had me back, then he would be back in contact with OW. I wasn't willing to allow my heart to be ripped out again.

Trying 2_4give:
Yes, I do see that the roles have been reversed here. No I am not afraid to be alone. I have been "alone" and on my own for nearly a year now. I have to say in general I do enjoy this lifestyle. I just feel that 1/2 of me is gone in some ways. He was my best friend that's what I miss most. I have plenty of friends to go out and do things with, but as a close friend of mine put it the other day, when we go out she can tell that I am having a good time, but that who I really want around is not there. Yes, I do get lonely, but that's not the reason I want him back. Loneliness I can deal with, I've mastered that, I want him here because I love him. I want him here so that I can see that he is here safe with me, I want to do all the things I used to do for him again.

In a wedding ceremony they say that 2 shall become one. Someone else told me that no matter in what circumstances you get a divorce, a part of you is always taken away by it. I'm finding both of these true, I've lost 1/2 of me. He compensated for my faults, and I his. When we spoke the other day, he commentted on how he is now doing things that he never thought of him doing and he said too that he feels part of him is lost. It's hard, it's been hard on both of us. I just want to be able to take him in and guide him back "home". It's hard to explain, and I can't even find the words to explain it to him. An old saying I used to hear,"If you can't find the words to describe it, then it must be love."

PS - the irony of it all, I researched our divorce through public records last night and the person who married us and the person who divorced us both had the same last name!

Love or a safety net of the old and familiar? JMO