I am so angry with WH!!! My H had our teenage sons with him during this past week. He invited the OW to lunch at his apt. with our sons. Our sons refused to eat with them and spent three hours in his bedroom listening to them laughing and talking enjoying themselves. H told sons that the only things that were important in his life now was them and the OW and they are going to have to accept her. This incident just reinforces my opinion of the selfishness of this A. I am in plan b and communicate via email to H. I want to break my silence and give him a piece of my mind. I am trying to calm down and see H and OW like WAT describes as "aliens".

I just can't believe that H could not be without OW for a few days while the boys were in his custody. The OW if she had any feelings for my sons should have left when she saw their reaction!

I just needed to vent since I can't sleep. My boys just return home to me tonight and told me about the visit. H has been told my sons' therapist not to push them into relationship with OW but he doesnt want to listen to anyone.

This A is going into the fifth month and I dont see any sign of it ending any time soon. Does anyone have an opinion how long A last if it is intense love, if it does end??? Rhonda

RRS,

What could you acomplished by talking to him ?. Pour out your anger ? ... use punching bag or run those thread mill at the gymn w/ your anger. You might feel good after you pour those anger at him but it acomplish nothing.

My 2 D just spending Christmas day with my WW & OM. My 2 D just lock them self in the room and they don't care. I am patient ... one of these day my 2 D will call me and refuse to stay w/ their mom .... however that is their choice. You are luckier since your S are older, they could make choices. Sooner or later our WS will loose our kids love & respect, just be there for them when they need you.

Hang in there and vent in here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> -rh-

ditto redhat

Your feelings are justified. Very much so. I think you understand that it's futile to try to understand why they are doing this. Sane people would see the detriment to your boys.

What are your custody arrangements? Do not cultivate this, but be prepared for when they refuse to be with their Dad. They likely have more influence than you and he may get a jolt, but even if he doesn't, your sons will eventually see their way away from that environment.

Redhat and WAT, Thank you for talking sense into me! I thank God that my sons are older and know the real truth of the marriage and not the rewritten one being created by H. H tells our sons that we were not a couple and that is true when you are being a couple with someone else. My sons were blindsided by this A as was I and everyone saw our marriage as a very loving one including me.

WAT, my H and I have a verbal agreement in regards to custody of the boys and he has been giving me child support so far without lawyer involvement.

My MIL told H not to have her grandsons around the OW and is extremely upset upon hearing about the visit as well as the rest of his family.

WAT, I believed you recommended the book Private Lies and it has been giving me hope to watch and wait for this romantic A to self-destruct.

Thank you again guys..Rhonda

Rhonda,
God bless you, you will be in my prayers.
I'm sorry about your boys having to be around the OW. So far my 3 kids have not met the OW, affairs are so selfish, and the 2 involved in them that usually their world just revolves around them. In the case of my WH, he rarely sees or calls ours. I do dread the day when they have to meet her. God will lead me through that too, I know.
It is painful, i am sorry you are going through this.
KK

OK, Rhonda - let's discuss this informal custody agreement.

Disclaimer: I am NOT an attorney. In fact, I don't like attorneys. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Also, I believe very much that we should not put children in the middle of these situations to use them as pawns. That said, we should try to protect them from adverse consequences. Finally, I AM a Dad.

In your most unbiased view possible, what do you believe your sons want regarding interaction with your H, given an assumption that he will continue to have the OW present?

I'm inclined to recommend you consult an attorney to explore a formal custody agreement. This may not be possible without a formal separation document.

My logic is that a formal agreement is legally binding and you can have stipulations included, such as prohibition of your H having an opposite sex overnight guest in the presence of your sons. Further, you can ensure future child support of the right amount.

More importantly, if your sons choose to not want to associate with your H in the presence of OW, this can also be stipulated, perhaps. Maybe not. This is why you need to get REAL advice. The down side of this is that this avenue may require taking the steps for full custody for you which may expose your sons to ugly legal proceedings. This may not be in their best interests.

In my legal separation document, I was successful in stipulating the "no overnight" provision. In fact, OM's wife was successful in stipulating "no overnights" until re-marriage for their minor child. (Of course, they ended up getting married, so maybe that was the incentive. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

Only you can weigh these options. If there are really no serious, underlying psychological issues with your H, Pittman's advice is hard to refute, and you may be better off waiting and swallowing the discomfort of your boys. But it doesn't hurt to be prepared for worse. The protection of your sons is worth any expense.

WAT

Rhonda,

BS has a choice to end this 'coaster ride. I am glad my WS filed on me and I counter it w/ change of status after 6 months and 1 days so I am the one who has the last say on this Dv. I am thankful for SH's advice to get off this 'coaster. It turned out to be the best decision that I ever made and I have no regret doin it. I need to protect my finacial for my 2 D, I need to protect my 2 D the maximum the law would allow me to do and I need to protect my sanity.

-rh-

Rhonda, I am not a mother, but I was a daughter of a mother who had to deal with a WS, (my dad of course). Anyways, your boys are old enough that you could ask them what they choose to do right now in regards to the OM and your WS. If they do not want to be with D and OW and they do not feel comfortable telling him so verbally, they could write him 2 letters, in their own words describing the emotions and feelings that this A is having on them and what THEY feel is best for them, also in doing this Rhonda, you will have to respect their wishes if they decide they can handle seeing their D and OW.

I am not a mother, so please don't all jump on the rabbit in the dogpile!!! I just am coming at it from a child standpoint as I got the option when I was growing up dealing with a "absent WS father". JMHO... (that's humble opinion)

ditto neesha

A good recommendation that fits with mine.

WAT

I just returned home from work and found your replies. Thank you everyone for your thoughtful comments.

KK2002, Thank you for your prayers! I have come to believe that everything happens for a reason. I have moved closer to my Catholic faith, the faith I adopted after I married my H. My sons have also grown closer to God during this time. I know that whatever happens in my marriage I will have peace by living God's way and not the world's way. Jennifer agreed during counseling with me that she shares the opinion that Satan is destorying our families.

Red Hat, My H mention he wanted $400.00 mediated divorce the week he moved out. I responded by filing for divorce. Spoke with priest and read affair books and decided to not follow though and did not have him serve. H agreed to 6 month separation before moving forward with divorce. I told H he will have to do the dirty work, I was not pursuing the divorce. Will try to stay on this roller coaster as long as I can take it.

WAT, I am trying not to push H into hiring attorney as long as possible. H talked many times about D but has not made any moves towards that direction yet. OW has not filed for divorce either. I am hoping that reality mets up with the fantasy before a divorce happens.
H is so in the fog I could see him turning around and being married to OW as soon as divorce is final.

Neesha, I asked my OS what he wanted me to do in regards to H pushing OW on them. OS stated that H was going to make an appointment with their therapist for a joint counseling session between him and sons to address falling grades. OS stated that during this session he will bring up the OW visit and their feelings about her. OS is very headstrong about not accepting OW and will make his opinion known to therapist.

and the ride continues...Rhonda