Hi Free,
Don't be too hard on yourself; I have flung hard words at my FWH, and I repent heartily of most of them. There comes a time when it's time to move on.
I was helped a lot by Earnie Larsen's book "From Anger to Forgiveness." Anger is neither good nor bad, it just is. It's a physiological response to a stimulus, just like shivering when you're cold and squawking when something stings you. The thing is, you can choose to go put on a sweater, thereby circumventing the cold stimulus, and maybe just squeak once at the sting, not go into hysterics. I speak from experience here!! Larsen's book helped me understand the cause-and-effect thing, and helped me put some space between stimulus and response. It seemed like nothing happened for months, then one day the anger was gone..... and I was left cold and empty, with nothing between me and the pain that I was shielding myself from by flipping into rage mode.
You're tired, worn down, and facing the legal end of your marriage, following D-day after D-day after D-day, all guaranteed to string you tight and have you humming with the slightest breeze. Burn-out is a very real phenomenon.
Do you have a nice safe cozy place you can curl up in for a while, just let things go by you? A spiritual intensive care ward? My IC told me last week that it's okay to feel the pain, that until I have felt the pain and let it wash through me, I will not heal. She suggested I write letters to my self, as if I were somebody else in this situation. Would this work for you? It is helping for me.
