I am not a conflict avoider, (guess you all knew that in one way or another). I would like thoughts from WS's that are conflict avoiders. My WS is one and seeing as I have NC with him nor has he even initiated contact to get the rest of his items out of house I want to see thru his eyes (so to speak)

After he found out that I knew his number he changed it, I only called him once and would not have done that had it not been about a credit card bill due (in his name) and the fact he did not respond to my email. I did tell him at the time that I did not want to bother him even with emails as he has made it perfectly clear that he does not want to hear from me or see me. He knew that I would not call him because I do respect ones wishes,so him changing the number was a little immature but if he felt he needed to, so be it. He also knows that the phone company gave me his address but I have not gone there, he just might be paranoid enough to move, I don't know but seeing as it's a very expensive place I'm sure he signed a lease. I would have never known either phone or address had he not had them call here with the message of when his phone would be hooked up and the address it was going to be hooked up at.

What are your thoughts? Do conflict avoiders that are in a very severe foglike state have moments of clarity that he would actually reach out? I was very surprised that he did not initiate any form of contact with his family at all. It worries his family that he has chosen to alienate himself as he is not that type of person, he has always been dependant on family emotionally. His best friend called me from Germany and said he was worried about him, that he knows what's going on and the person (WS) he's been talking to does not sound like his dear friend of so many years. His friend also stated that WS is still viewing me as a monster and the other family members (living here) and that we are responsible for his sadness, and problems because we can not see that God made this A happen and blah blah blah. Even his friend was concerned at the outrageousness of WS's justifications and banter. He has only known WS as a sensitive, emotional, caring, faithful, intelligent, moral man that loved his partner (me) for 3 years and never sounded happier.

So I guess I ask for thoughts and guidance as the call from his best friend sparked me "overthinking" about the last 2 months of such a surreal experience that I needed to start a thread to see other perspectives. I did want to say that I really respected his friend for not taking sides and staying impartial and he appreciated the fact that I was willing and able to find my faults so easily on helping the demise of the relationship, but that knowing what I know am so willing for healing and working on regaining a healthier new bond with WS. Sorry for the long post, he just got me thinking. ( I know, dangerous)!! lol

bumpin to bump

Anybody have thoughts? I enjoy hearing from all points of view, but maybe I'm asking the wrong question?

IMO, I think it has more to do with this guy living in the fog and liking it. could be a little to do with avoiding conflict but most of having an A is about keeping things secret so avoiding conflict seems to go hand in hand with having an A. If anything, the A feeds his desire to avoid conflict. What is needed most in this case is a big wake up call with a person who is unafraid of conflict to get this OP to think and face reality. Not sure if this helps or if I'm being clear. Maybe someone else can help you more.

Hmm...I read this when you first posted it and had some thoughts, but little time and not quite enough clarity on what it was I wanted to say about it.

I am a conflict avoider. I'd like to say WAS, but I'm still a work in progress. To tell you the truth, at this point the only real progress I've made in this area is to see when I'm doing it...but I still tend to try to wait things out and see if there's a more opportune time or way to work things out instead of just dealing with it in the present. It's not that I don't want to clear up misunderstandings, it just works best for me if someone else brings it to the table.

I'm not the kind of conflict avoider that runs from all conflict...I just don't initiate resolution. I panic at the thought of bringing something up the wrong way or saying the wrong things, or having my apology or thoughts or whatever be rejected.

Anyway, the behaviour you've described so far sounds less like basic conflict avoiding...and more like typical WS behavior. He's trying to avoid reality and its consequences. As long as he avoids you he doesn't have to see the hurt he's caused or witness your confusion or anger. He can remain in la-la land and pretend the big bad world doesn't really exist. That's why reality busts up an A really quickly....A's are based on fantasy without consequences.

I agree with Hydra...most WS's do avoid conflict while in the fog. As a former WS myself, I was in "run away" mode the whole time. Life was one big conflict and I just couldn't seem to escape it.

Thanks for replying, the reason I wanted thoughts is that my WS is acting typical as I have learned about the fog. I also was thinking about our relationship for the last 3 years and he always would cringe and not deal with our "relationship conversations" no matter how I approached it or him he would not discuss anything, Then when things would get rough he just pretended they did not exist or that it was not important, he would say "our relationship conversations were not necessary" that they cause more harm then good, I have never thought communicating ones feelings without blaming the other is a bad thing, but that is what he had me start believing or he turned it around that he was the victim of life and noone understood that he has pressure. These are the things I have been reflecting on.

I thought about him taking the EN and LB questionare 1 week before I caught them, and his answers, then thinking I wonder what would have been had I not caught them?? These were the things I was thinking about when I asked for thoughts, I was processing that day because I have to get it out of my system to make room for the positive. His friend just got me thinking that day because he has NEVER known my WS to even half way act the way he is acting. Also his friend is in Germany and speaks german and I got a C- in college german, so when we speak on the phone I'm sure it's a process for him to speak English, he does very well though!!