I have been married for 21 years and have just found out that my H has been seeing a girl that he works beside. It has been going on for 8 months and I only found out last week,when after a Xmas nights out I caught him texting her. We were always very happy and have two great kids (17/14). She was married too with no kids.

After I confronted him he cried his eyes out. He told me that they have something which we lost a long time ago. They only meet up during working hours for coffee and he tells me that she is good company and they have only kissed!!(This I find hard to believe) We have talked and talked but I told him if we have any future he must finish it.

The following morning he went off to call her to tell her it was all over but the day ended up with her leaving her husband and him leaving us.The worst day of my life.

The next day after much talking he came back to us and for the last week has been more attentive to me and the kids than he has been for a year. He is distraught for what he put us through and swears that he will never stray again and that it is all over. He is glad that it is out in the open as he could not go on with the guilt.

No contact has been made as far as I know but I feel betrayed and don't know if I can trust him ever again. I love him deeply and feel that the years we have had together have been very happy but need advice as to what I can do to move forward.

I can't get the idea of the two of them out of my head and everytime he goes out of the house I fear that he/she may make contact.

Everyone that knows him are totally amazed that this has happened to us as we were always happy and got on very well. He is "MR" reliable and all this is totally out of character. He is a good family man but I just cannot understand what has gone on and wonder if there is anyone out there who can advise me.

He tells me he has alway loved me but what they had was different. I knew something was wrong but in the past year has taken up a stressful high level position and has lost a stone in weight so I put it down to work.

Please please please help me someone.

Kat

One thing you have that many of us didn't get, is your husband feel remorse and guilt. That is the first major step. He wants to be there with you, and both of you realize the disconnection was broken. You have a good start, do counseling with a counselor. Find one that works with affairs, and betrayal. Read the Harleys books.

When your husband leaves, there are ways to get the trust back. He would have to let you see his cell phone when he comes home. He needs to show you what he spent on money. See we tried doing this, but my husband hid money anyway. We have our own business, so he would have the cusotmers write checks in his name and he would just cash them. I was lied by SNL many times.

Talk, and talk openly. Tell him your feelings, and listen to his feelings.

You are a step ahead right now. Get counseling.

Kat, It's great to hear that he realized his error and wants his life with you. From everything that I have read on this site, you will both have your own tough moments ahead. Try to be prepared as much as possible. You will go through great grief and trust issues, feelings of anger and resentment. He will go through periods of emotional confusion. He will miss her. Expect this and you are miles ahead.
Be there for eachother, yet some will just take time to pass.
Best wishes and my prayers are with you two.

Kat,

So sorry for what you have been through. You are not alone. We have all been there too. Read all you can on this site and Surviving an Affair. These things will help you both understand the why's and what's of the A. You can survive this as the others have said you are one step ahead because your H is remorseful. Good luck. You will get help here.

Sharon

Hi,

Well it is good to see him remorseful, but you both need to follow this up with a good recovery plan. Place a call to Steve or Jennifer to get on track. Then take the emotional needs questionnaire (both of you) and get into some good MC.

Learn and implement the radical honesty policy and POJA. You can read up about these plans in the concepts section above and in the books surviving an affair and his needs/her needs.

If you can, listen to some of the Dr Phil's shows. He addresses communication and A issues often. Might find some interesting things to think about.

You are ahead of many of us. AS much as this hurts you are closer to recovery than most here. Learn to appreciate the good and move forward. Also learn not to cling to bad thoughts. This very very hard to do. In fact, at this stage, recovery may be harder for you than your H. All the more reason to get into good counseling soon.

Vent here as needed.

take care,
L.

My H told me he had an EA and it was over -- June 14, 2001 when he had coffee; July 26, when he had a final phone conversation that he later admitted was a lunch; August 30, when she showed up in his office with a birthday present; September 11 and 12, when there were phone conversations about the terrorist attacks; October 24, when they had lunch....

It's great that he has remorse but each final goodbye here was a final goodbye. Inform the OW's H. He's on your side. Tell his family. That should help. Tell your pastor. Tell your family. Give him as much incentive as possible to not stray back to her again. Tell friends who would support you in your M.

I hid everything until it all exploded on D-day when the OW's H heard me out about my concerns on April 22 and finally got the truth out of his wife. That night, I left a message on my parent's answering machine that Tom had had an affair and had also broken my arm four months before because I had threatened to call the woman. That was a terrible thing to do. Everything was held in for so long for me that I just didn't handle things well. A friend of mine who is a therapist at an emergency room at a hospital told me that she thought I was at risk for suicide and should check myself in for sedation. Well, I didn't do that. What I did do was tell my family and take our two pre-schoolers with me to California for a week of getting away from the horror of what he had done to me and his family. Today is the one year anniversary of the first surgery for my broken arm.

You just cannot believe how unlikely it is to everyone who knows my H that he would become violent. He tells me now that he was upset with himself about having an A. He was actually talking with a priest about becoming a deacon, he served on the parish vocations committe, and he was in the choir. Our oldest was going through First Penance and First Communion classes and we had two kids in Catholic school.

He had to drop out of the choir to go to anger management classes. D-day was pretty bad for him too. He called his mom on the phone and his mom told his dad who was in a nursing home, and his dad's condition took a turn for the worse three days later. I was in California so he couldn't go up to see them. His father died two weeks after the phone call.

It may seem very harsh to broadcast this relationship to lots of people, but don't think of doing it out of vengefulness. Think of it as a way to help him not hurt himself. My H didn't want me meddling, wanted to handle it himself...but it was too much for him. We may very well end up divorced, and we have 4 beautiful children who have been traumatized by this. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure...As Harley has said, sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Thank you to everyone who gave me advice. I feel slightly better with the fact that you all think we are in with a "Chance".

We have spoke about getting some help but he seems to think we can do this on our own. I don't. He was never one for talking about his feelings even though I always knew by his actions that he cared. I have read through this site and have picked up some good starting point and the honesty Q.

I still don't know why he done it to us.

I think I need to find out before I can leave it behind me. What goes on in someones mind when they do this?

Can he every be trusted again

He is a good man and always been a great father and even a good friend, but all I want to know is WHY?

He is amazed that I am not angry. He is concerned for me and her. Her husband and family know what has gone on and she is trying to get back with them all.

Why put us through this!!

Kat

Kat,

You are asking for a logical answer with an illogical situation. If you read from a few WS who post here you will find as with many others who have come out of the fog, that they are just at a lost of explaining why the A happened and what lead up to it. Yes there are some viable explanations but none enough to condone all the pain and suffering. In fact in some cases the BS has more 'reason' than the WS, so you can't go there with just going on logic. There is none.

However, if you refocus on the real issues and identifying your personal boundaries, you may find that the 2 of you need to get to know the other better.

Here's my example. In my family, work and wherever..... I am the giver. Always willing to give without a thought about me. I really felt I was not being neglectful of myself and still to this day, the tendancy is to give until I drop. I do it at home, work, among family, friends, wherever the need may be and there is a lot of need........ even here. ya know?!?!? Ok, this is a fault of mine. Yep a real fault. Why? Because in reality there is only soooo much I can give. After me, the next place I rob are those closest to me.....my family, coworkders, friends and yes even God. Sometimes I sacrifce for those least appreciative at the expense of those most appreciative. Hm..... do you see a problem with this? Well my H did. Next thing I knew, I was being painted as a very selfish uncaring person who neglected my H and child...... whose perception was that? Hm..... musta been H's and then he shared it with a PBR (psyco babble rabbit) and poof! I became this monster mom/wife blood sucking creature who didn't have a right to anything I called my own, including my H and child. Yep. My right as a W and mother was challenged. She even threatened to get me fired! Go figure.

This new pix of me couldn't be farther from the truth....yet it was based on some truth...... grossly exaggerated but still based on some truth.

What should I do? I needed to refocus. Acknowledge the real issues, including the ones I created. Be willing to admit my faults to others (including MC, family, friends, co-workers and God) and encourage the now Ws to do the same. Except at the time I did not know what kind of WS he had become. We became strangers and I was left in the dark, clutching dearly to our child.

I felt I lost everything....... but I didn't..... through the help of many (even here at MB and including my child), I managed to get back on my feet. At that point, the WS was still in the gutter with the OW pulling him in deeper and deeper.......... for my sanity, I had to let him go. He was not living at home and attempting to learn to live with a PB (psyco babble). You are going to have to believe me about that name.....she rightly earned it. - LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

In the meantime, we had 1 counseling session with Steve Harley. H said he did not want to spill his life to a stranger. I said ok, then just listen. Well guess what? Out of our 1st 60 minute session (it actually turned into 75 minutes). The then WS talked for 50, Steve did an intro and conclusion for 5 minutes each and I got 10 minutes.

So you never know. The fog makes many a WS lose their perspective. Family love helps them get it back.

JMHO,
L.