Well, Ws called said he was in the neighborhood, wanted to stop and get his snow boots and a couple of other things, I was very upbeat and pleasant, said "sure, come on over".

He walked in and was looking like "he!!", literally. I on the other hand was (not to be egotistical, "glowing". Remember have not seen him since end of Nov. He immediately went to our Husky and started making over him as he was WS's beloved dog before I met him, but guess who has him?? He then started looking at the X-Mas tree that I put up, and said, "Not as beautiful as your others", Well guess he said that because HE was here when I put up the others in the last 3 years. He was looking around and getting teary eyed, looking depressed. I asked him how he was doing and he said "fantastic" in his usual sarcastic way. I smiled, he did actually smile.

He was not nasty to me, quite pleasant actually, as he has treated me like Satan for the last 2 months, so I was feeling good. I did ask him if we could be friends, he said "I do not know, and I do not want to discuss it". I said, "I understand but that I will always be his friend should he choose it, and that I did not see what happened as a bad thing for either one of us, but I did not like the way it happened". I felt I needed to say that as he will not look me in the eyes, it's like he can't look at me at all. He will look at the dog, or to the side of me, but never in my eyes, makes me feel akward as I look at someone I'm talking to straight in the eyes. He took one of our dogs outside and shoveled a path for him (he's my cancer survivor dog and my special baby, we both went thru it together and was diagnosed at the same time) Now that's a loyal friend!!!

Well, he procrastinated in leaving but finally did. I think I handled it quite nicely and he saw a very cheerful and adjusted woman, who was projecting nothing but positive energy, and when I looked at him and his sadness, I wanted to reach out to hug him but KNEW, not to as it would have made him freak.

So what does everyone think? You think he will start to emerge slightly and at least want to be my friend? Or do you think he is just having a bad go of it because she has not left her husband and he's depressed? Let me know if you think I was doing the right thing by being cheerful, but that is really how I felt, I am doing better because I have once again starting balancing my emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health and energies. I was happy to see him even though it was not a long visit with any real conversation. Thanks for reading, sorry so long.

Neesha, I think you did great! Who knows what his motives are, he might not even know himself. He saw that you are surviving without him and growing in a positive way. I am praying for you girl. Think baby steps..Rhonda

Thanks sweetie. I'm thinking smaller then baby steps, what would that be? lol. I'm just taking it as it comes, but appreciating the journey along the way. How are you doing? Any update? How are the boys? Let me know, I know the week-ends are slow here, so I'm glad you checked in.

Neesha, Lets call it snail walk! My H and I have been sharing minutes on our cell phone plan. He has been going over our 800 minute monthly use since he got the apt. He has no other phone. Sons told me that he was on the phone constantly with OW while they were in his custody. I have tried to get H to sign over cell phone accout to me or I would get my own cell phone account. H refused to respond to my emails about the matter.

I spoke with him yesterday about what he wanted to do with the phone, he wants my phone. Our conversation lasted less then a minute. It hurt to hear him answering the phone laughing and then turn cold on me. I hope your man is hitting rock bottom I need some hope in my life. Rhonda

Oh Rhonda, I am so sorry you are going thru this as I am sorry for anyone but you have been in my thoughts so much lately. I hope Ammon jumps in on this thread, so he may respond with his sage advice. When you talk about the phone and the boys listening, was this the day they were there and went to the bedroom? Or have they been there after that crappy visit?

I pray that you WS, gets his head out of the fog to see what is right there in front of him, his family that needs him, I wonder what he would have thought of HIS father doing that to him and his mother?? Sons are very protective of their mothers and the resentment they build up is very damaging as they age. I hope the counseling with him and the boys opens his eyes to having the awakening he needs to start viewing things from his sons eyes. Was his father a WS? Is this the first A he has ever had Rhonda?

Neesha, Yesterday was the first time I spoke with H since the Monday after Thanksgiving. That Monday I came back to work and had message from local threater confirming curtain time. I questioned H and he confirmed that they went to a play together. I lost it since we never went out to plays as a couple and now he was showing her the town! I honestly believe that H is in the middle of a midlife crisis.

His father was very faithful to my mother in law. My oldest son poised the same question to his father,how would he feel if it was his father doing this to his mother. H told son that if I wanted a relationship with my father I would have no choice but to accept the girlfriend. BTW my H had a very close relationship with his mother. MIL has torn apart the morals and character of OW to H and he did not defend the OW.

My H did have a EA relationship with my best friend and neighbor appox. 4 years ago. H recommited to me but we did not address issues leading to the A. I did no research about A and just wanted to swept incident under the rug.

My friends and family who know of the first A have tried to get me to let him go since he now has a history of As. I cant let go of this marriage yet without trying to fix it, if he decides to try again. Rhonda

Rhonda it does sound like a MLC, but the EA, I would like to ask you some questions about if you do not mind. When that happened, can you think back to what was going on in both your lives that was "swept under the rug"? If that was when he first started seeking outside attention, maybe we could look at the issues around that and talk about it if you want.

Was there a job issue?
Financial concerns?
Both of you too busy and neglecting HNHNs?

Just asking to see why and what might have sent him in a direction that he was not preprogrammed to go as it was not a learned behavior from his family.

Tell me more about the OW, is she younger than he is? Do you know her background?

Neesha, Okay my theory on why the EA happen is my H had several major disappointments happen the year prior. His father had received a big promotion with one of the major three auto company and had move to a foreign country and became a Vice President for that company. My H was so excited for his dad. FIL was the good son of his family and was the one that held his family together. He mediated the family disagreements with one another and was respected by everyone. FIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer shortly after moving to Argentina. My H took his father's death hard and made comments like my dad did everything right and look what happen. H other uncles and aunt all irresponsible individuals seem to reap all kinds of good things.

My H was also involved in a local TV new show which had the promise of going national. 12 shows were made and shown but were not picked up my the network. The local show ended up being cancel also due to management change. My H had put a lot of his time and emotions hope and dreams into the show and it was a major blow to him.

We had been friends with the neighbors for years and started spending more and more time with this family and stopped going out on our dates and weekend trips.

My H who is a very funny person became the entertainment for this family and the whole family looked forward to his visits. My h and I had conversations about the neighbor marriage and lack of respect the H had for wife. My H and I felt sorry for her and I think my H started their relationship out of pity for her.

My self confidence hit rock bottom during this time period. I really did not have much self confidence prior to the EA. My H is very moody and I started overeating in response to problems we were having. My H turn his attention away from me and onto his work. I took over all responsiblity for the family and he just had to worry about his career. My H is now blaming my weight as the factor for this affair. The OW is not skinny by any means and neither was the neighbor. Both women gave my husband attention that he needed. My H current job is training and he seem to thrive on the admiration the students give him.

I ask H following the EA if he ever became unhappy again to let me know so we could fix the problems. I think this A resulted out of a friendship in which he was giving her emotional suppport over her marriage problems. Coworkers of their tell me that she was hanging around him all the time and he failed to tell me about the time they started being together. This OW who is adopted found out this past year her birth mother and discovered that birth parents were married and gave her up and went on to have more children. I have to believe she felt abandoned upon learning of this and this A is giving her much needed self esteem and power. JMHO sorry this is so long..Rhonda

Do you think your H never felt that he was a "Man" by what he views as a man is, such as his father being so successful, that he has never accomplished anything or have met his goals and aspirations in life? And by going outside his M, he does not have to prove anything or give of himself to these OW? You know him, and you know his weaknessess, vulnerablities, and they don't.

Now as for you overeating, hells bells, your H may be using that as an excuse, but that is a convenient one don't ya think? Sometimes, and I know more for women then men, we gain weight and we lose. When I was going thru chemo, and then having to take the steroid routine from hell, I looked bad, but my mate loved me, thought I was just "poofy"....lol which made me laugh, "poofy like a float in the Macy's Day parade" that's how I felt, he didn't. Yes I'm sure you both have issues to work out, but I feel that maybe H is not happy with himself, feeling like a failure can destroy a man, especially if they are always trying to fill shoes that were never meant for him to walk in, such as his F, he is comparing himself from outside influences and not within, maybe? Just tossing things your way.

I bet you have always been proud of him and respected him as a man and H, but if he does not feel it himself, it will not be validated to him. I know there are areas that we (BS) contribute to in the areas of problematic issues, but we can only work on what we feel we can change within ourselves, can't work on out mates if they don't want help now can we? Keep working on yourself Rhonda, that is the only thing YOU do have control over. I'll be right here beside you working too!!!

Nessha-

Great Job! You absoluetely must project a strong confident and "Moving On w or with out him attitute"

You handled it perfectly. The more he sees this, the more he will wonder what he will be missing.

I am trying to do that with my WW but it always doesn't work. However if I backslide, I just keep going. I have read it is of the utmost importance to be STRONG-HAPPY-CONFIDENT etc...

Being depressed will only remind him of his poor choices and make it feel impossible to come back.

Neesha, You hit the nail of the head with your analysis of my FIL success in life. My H comes from the family of four sons. H was the only son not to graduate from college. MIL has told me that H made the best grades and FIL had high hopes that H would become dentist instead he quit college and became police officer. H told me following EA that he felt like the failure in the family. I tried to be supportive but you are so right those OW dont know his shortcomings and he can reinvent himself. I have read about Midlife crisis and he could be the poster child he has all the chacteristics.

I have to accept the fact that he needs to find happiness within himself and he does not realized that this A will cause him so much more pain in the long run.

I plan to recreating myself this next year also to be the best that I can be. It helps so much that I am not alone on this roller coaster ride.

Take care..Rhonda

Neesha, NO the OW is not younger, I believe she is older then us at least she looks it!!!LOL I think I would feel better if she was young, blond, and big chested. Everyone one that knows her and me are shocked and cant see what he sees in her. She is the most negative person I have ever met in my life. It is them against the world now. Rhonda

Neesha, wow! what a great job you did. Proud of you! They say the best revenge is living well, so atta girl. I do understand how we can be dying inside and it takes great strength to do what you did. Just wish I had your strength as well. Keep it up. Good luck, LouLou

Neesha --

Hope it's not too late to get in on this thread. I want to add my "thumbs-up" to those you've already accumulated. I've been away since Thursday and I'm just now getting caught up on all my MB friends.

You did so very well with his visit and handled yourself with style and grace and dignity. The plus for you was that your cheerful demeanor wasn't faked; you really felt that way! You're not quite out of the woods yet but you're making wonderful progress. I'm happy that you're happy.

Rhonda --

At Neesha's invitation, I'll jump in on your posts also. You most definitely are not alone on this ride. You are one of us now and we are here for you as we all are here for each other.

I was very pleased to hear you say, "I can't let go of this marriage yet without trying to fix it..." Pleased and encouraged that you know how important it is for you to do the best you can do set this thing upright again. You have to be able to look in the mirror each morning and know in your heart that you have done your best. That's all anyone can ask of you and all that you can ask of yourself.

Neesha and Rhonda: you both are going to make it through this and emerge better, stronger, more sensitive, more aware, more alive than ever. What's all this pain for if we don't use it and grow? You are growing...

Ammon

Thank You Ammon, I was waiting for your reply because I feel that you have held my hand and kept me in "reality checks" for these last 2 months. Also, since I know you have read all my posts about my situation it makes me feel better knowing you can view it from walking with me through it all.

So much farther to go, but that will be the fun won't it? I don't know what WS will do or not do, I can not even waste my much needed energy playing guessing games about where his head is, I feel his head is where it needs to be for him because all this did not happen for nothing, this A will not just affect growth in me but I feel it will lead WS somewhere where ever God sees fit to take him. This life lesson of patience that I'm learning is getting better all the time!! (O.K., on the good days it is!!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hello Neesha -- You did handle your self very well. I had to laugh a bit when I read the part about him coming by for snow boots/making excuses to see you. Your WH could be mine in some respects.

I wasn't able every time to keep up the strong, happy, confident. I feel much more that way now, but I think if I had been able to do a better job of it earlier on things might be different. I don't like playing the what if game, but I do know I did not execute the plan A perfectly. I would do great for long stretches of a month to six weeks and then something bad would happen and I would do something to push him away.

I think you can only take it one day or one episode or one month at a time.

Thank you for keeping up with my posts and for your words of encouragement. I have great weeks and then boom out of nowhere I get this burst of impatience or feeling dead about the whole issue inside.