Hi all

H is back from Military School,(as of Dec. 12th,) and told me, on the 23rd of November that he was no longer in any type of contact with OW. The cell bill just came Thursday, and there are calls to her every day since then. They are only 1 or 2 minute calls, perhaps he was leaving a message or telling her where to call him, I don't know. He even called her right before he arrived home on the 12th. That appears to be the last time, the last billing date was the 15th.

I have asked him to come clean. He tells me that its too soon for him to talk about it and that he is no longer calling her. I have told him how important it is for me to know WHY he was lying and WHY he was still calling her, up to three times a day. He won't talk about it. Its driving me crazy. He claims to love me but won't be honest.

I'm very very frustrated and I know I have LB'd SOOO much, but with all the lying, how do I know what is the truth and what is not. And HOW do I get past all of this and try to enjoy what is left of the Holiday season?

thanks

d.

Military wife,
My husband is a out and out lier to! Has been for yrs. I even caught him in a big lie to where he could not get out of it, but he still tried. I think people who lie like that are in need of help. What i learned in my own marrige is u can't make them tell u the truth, the more u ask them about it the more they lie and really get upset. Belive me i know how u are feeling when it comes to the lies. I a'm stilll going through that myself. I a'm sorry i can't give more help now, but wanted to respond to let u know i do know how u are feeling and i a'm sorry u are going through this.Cathy ps... Have u thought about maybe talking to your H and see if maybe he would go to counceling to help your marrige?

Military Wife,
Well, you have proof that contact is still going on. He says that he is not in contact yet you have cell phone bills to prove otherwise. He is either still involved in the full blown affair, or he is not willing to stop all contact and is just talking to her. Either is unacceptable.

Does he know that you know about the phone contact? You must sit down with him and tell him what you know and insist on total honesty. If he is in physical contact with her you have a right to know and protect yourself.

If he is trying to let it die slowly with phone contact, you must explain to him that it is still an affair of the emotional type. Either one is unacceptable if you are going to try to repair the marriage.

I would suggest that you ask him to write a no contact letter, mail it with him and then get to work trying to rebuild. Until the contact is stopped completely, you are fighting an uphill battle.

From personal experience, I know that many military men refuse to seek counseling for fear that their CO will see it as a weakness. I believe that this is true in many cases and that their career may be jeopardized as a result. The military does not seem to care about the well being of their men and woman outside of their professional lives. I urge you to seek help in some way, be it on the outside or just reading all the books you can get your hands on. I wish I had... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

MW.

I have read your threads but don't think Ive ever posted. Im a WS. My H and I have been in recovery for 3 years. I just want to say, and I posted this in another thread today also, that any WS that is NOT telling the truth is being very unfair to the BS and has not committed to a true recovery.

The worst thing that a WS can do after DDAY is lie about anything, even the slightest white lie as they call it, can be hurtful to the 10th degree. Im very sorry. Last I read you found pics if Im not mistaken and he said to get rid of them and was happy you did. Correct me if Im wrong.

With the proof you found it is apparent that he never ended contact and is still stuck in the fantasy of the A. Even a one minute call to her for whatever reason is proof of that. You have to tell him that he either comes clean and fesses up and stops the lying or you have to do something. You have to protect what love you have left for this man before its too late.

Im very very sorry you had this discovery. I can't imagine the pain you feel after giving him a chance.

Since DDAY. I have never lied. Regardless how painful the truth would be to my H. I told the
T R U T H. Bad as it was, it was the truth. H knew this and began to trust me very slowly. Its still tough but no where near like before because he knows I am hiding nothing.

Im so sorry he did this to you. What is your plan on dealing with this and if I can help please let me know.

Zoey

PS. I think Ladysing58 gave you great advice too.

Sounds like he is lieing to you. I went through the same scenaro. We were counseling with the Harleys, and they told my WS husband to cut the OW off, and he couldn't. He was told not to counsel with them until he ended the communication. He would say give me 2 more weeks, and this continued for so long. Finally, the OW decided after calling me and threatening me with suicide if my H or I told her husband about the sexual affair. At that time she finally quit calling my husband, and he continued to call her for a couple of weeks, but she did not respond.

This is hard to deal with, and the more they do it, the harder it is to gain trust. This is why I still don't trust my husband. I have found he is still lieing, and will continue, until the divorce if final. Then I don't care. He can lie all he wants, it is his life, and he can be a lier to himself. I don't have to listen to it anymore, just say, oh well, and be on with my life.

The lies hurt so much. Most wayward spouses don't realize how much the lies hurt. My husband doesn't take responsibility for his lies. He has not shown remorse or guilt for his lies. This hurt me the most, and the sex with the other woman. I have not lied to my husband, and I have not had another man besides my husband.

Lies hurt, and cut the heart in half.

I am sorry that you are going through this, wish we all could put bandaids on the lies. It is unfair, and I feel the liars should have punishment. I wish that all WS's could wear a big red tatoo on their forward, a sign that they are adulterers.

mw,
Just wanted to offer a possible explanation for the minute or 2 calls. Often my MM would call so I'd call him right back. I had an expanded calling plan so it did not cost me to call him. Or if he was on cell and needed me, he'd call and give the # of a phone booth so I'd call him back. tew

Hello everyone, and thanks for all the words of wisdom.

I did confront him when I found out, and he told me that he is not ready to talk about it, said it is too soon. Continues to tell me that he loves me and wants to work on our marriage, and that its very important to him that we move forward. I have told him that this latest incident is weighing heavily on me. I do not believe he understands. Guarentees (again) that he is no longer calling her.

A couple of times he called her, it was from the road, so I do know he was not giving her a number to call him at.

WOW
Thats a tough spot your in.

How are you suppose to MOVE ON if he won't talk to you about the recent things you uncovered. That is only going to make you feel shut out, and in turn that builds resentment so how can a marriage work if those are the terms. I don't mean to upset you but his avoidence of the subject would worry me. He seems to be back in a fog or something. He better pull his head out before he will lose the only chance he has with you. I know. Im a FWS.

Praying for you
Zoey

<small>[ December 29, 2002, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

Have you showed him this site? There are FWS's here who can offer him some great advice and maybe even get his head out of....well, help him to see what he is doing.

He is most certainly in the fog and it is unreasonable for him to ask you to move forward when he is in contact with her and unwilling to discuss the phone calls with you.

I know it would be hard for him to come here and read, but maybe it would be more non-threatening than a face to face discussion with you. You can't move forward while he is backpeddling.

MW,
Is the OW also in the military? If so, they could both be in for a lot of trouble aside from their families. I have seen 20 year careers ruined as a result of fraternization. If this is the case, he better end it NOW!

Hello all

Yes, the OW is in the military also.

He claims now that she had her rims stolen while stationed there and she called him to get them back. I did some snooping, and there were text messages saved from her regarding those rims. I checked his phone thoroughly the day after I saw the phone bill. On the text messages, she is asking for the rims. She only seems to send very direct messages. He messages back to her are asking him to talk to her. So I think she has moved on, while he has not.

He told me again last night he just wants to forget about the past.

I found it odd, on that bill, that he didn't have any trouble not calling her when I was with him, over Thanksgiving and the following weekend.

It is still constantly on my mind. It helps that she is far away, so that he can't see her. It appears to me that she wants nothing to do with him.

I have a counselor lined up for after the Holidays (we are visiting relatives in another state currently). H claims he will go, the difficult part might be working around his schedule, we all know how that can be.

Thanks again

d.

Is the counselor from the military or the private sector? I know that his schedule may make it hard to go but don't let this be an excuse for him. A military counselor may be paid for, but he may resist going for fear of someone in his unit finding out.

Has he been tested for STD's? If not, make sure he does ASAP. The military practically has a clinic for this express purpose...Infidelity is so common in the military they won't even bat an eye at the request. The only thing they see as a weakness is asking for help emotionally. i'm sorry, but I know this from personal experience.

Whatever the deal is with the rims, tell him that it must be resolved and that the no contact rule applies to EVERYTHING! He seems to be hanging on a bit. Is the OW married? I would hate to see your recovery marred by a "revelation" and an angry spouse.

I know that these issues are horrible to confront, I have had to deal with them myself. My H left the active duty military soon after his A and we are haunted by it.

Best wishes to you in the New Year, Ladysing