In the past year my mother died after a 3 year battle with cancer. I spent the last 3 weeks by her bedside from the time i got off work until i went back the next day. My dad had open heart surgery and i spent the time in the hospital with him. July 1 my husband of 24 years tells me he is leaving and it is all my fault. Since then he has done many painful things to me. It got so bad that about a month ago i seriously planned my death. Just through a freak accident on the night that was to be my last i was unsuccessful. A month has passed since that night. My point being i just don't feel anything anymore. I don't care of my husband files for divorce and I don't care if he comes back. My neighbor shot and killed herself 2 nights ago and i rushed to see if i could help. I stayed at her home until the police left and all was cleaned up. I didn't cry, i was not replused by the scene, i helped clean it up. I say and do the approiate things but I have no feelings. Is this normal for people in our situation? does it change? I feel all used up inside. Does anyone else feel this way?

You have had to be the strong caregiver and that puts us on auto-pilot for the time we need to take care of things, right now you are acting from a very numb place, how in God's name would you have the strength to get thru all the devastating situations you have had recently, one right after the other, if not by the Grace of God. That's the good thing about being under unbarable pressure and stress, we "zone" out then when things start easing up we crash and re-energize, regroup, heal, greive. You have had to be so strong for others and to see you through.

I'm sorry H added more insult to injury and could not be the strength you need at this terrible time in your life, please know you have just accomplished so many amazing and difficult things in your life, some would have not ever been able to do!! Be easy on yourself, don't feel that you are not normal, heck yes you are normal, you have just been through hell!!!! Being so many things to so many others does not allow one to be there for themselves that's when God steps in and we go into auto-pilot. You will need rest and you will have to go through regathering yourself that you have spread so thin. We are here for you, and please know you are in my thoughts. Sorry to hear of your losses. Take Care

I think what you're feeling is fairly normal. Of course, I'm saying that because I have gone (and am still going) through similar circumstances (death of parent, husband's affair and subsequent moving out, son joining extremist political cult group, etc...). You may already be familiar with stages of grief, but if not, some reading might help reassure you, so try this link: Stages of Grief

People think I can handle just about anything because I'm not given to a lot of outward emotion. Sounds like you're the same. But at some point the emotion will come to you when you least expect it. You are so used to "being there" for everyone else, you feel you can't afford to be anything less than stoic. However, I think you owe it to yourself to let your guard down a little bit. Is there anyone you can share with, or vent to? Sometimes just talking (even without expecting to become emotional) helps to open up yourself to other things, including life in general (refocusing). It is SOOO easy to become immune to anything after going through several types of loss in a short amount of time.

I will be praying for you; I know this is a difficult time. Hang in there, and post here on these boards. There are a lot of people who care and have been through the same thing.

I often just sit in the dark and i find it hard to hug my dad or any male any more. is this part of it too.

LMH,
Have you been seeing a counselor? If not, I would suggest you consider doing so. Someone else who is a professional can help you navigate through this. It does sound as though you are experiencing depression. We all do, sometimes more deeply than others. A lot of people here at MB have seen a doctor and gotten anti-depressants, and say it has helped tremendously.

LMH,

The "nothingness" that you are feeling is a VERY normal reaction for everything that you have described that has been going on in your life. You have had SO much handed to you that the only way that you could survive was to disconnect and turn off all of your emotions. You are in a PROTECTIVE mode.

I agree with other posters here that you need to seek out a counselor and get on some meds. NOW!

Look at your face in the mirror. When you look at your forehead, are there DEEP scowl lines present between your eyebrows? THIS IS A CLASSIC SIGN OF DEPRESSION! Stand still for a minute and pay attention to your body. Are you so wound up and stiff that you feel like a statue? This is where your emotions are right now.

YOu weren't ABLE to take your life. You saw what taking your life would mean when you assisted at your neighbor's home. What message is there? Take a REAL good look at the memory that was left in your mind from that scene. DO you REALLY want that to be you? Would you like to have one of your children (I am assuming here) have to clean up that kind of mess?

Get to a doctor. Go to tyhe hospital and tell them what you feel. Get help NOW. It can and will get better, I promise. I was there myself three years ago. Life is much better than nothingness.

LMH-

Most definitely what you're feeling is normal. I've traveled through the dark valley you're in and am here to tell you things WILL get better. Take the others advice and seek C to help you understand and effectively deal with your emotions. As someone else mentioned, God never creates "junk" and your well being is VERY important to all of us on the MB. Keep us updated and let us know how things are going...Good luck!