Ow had child on the 17th of Dec. To my surprise H lied to me and went to see the baby 2 days after it was born without my knowledge. We've been in counseling over the past 5 months and it has become obvious that all of our plans on how we were going to deal with this situation was nothing more then lies. Our plan was to deal with this situation together all the way. Yesterday I discovered a cell phone given to H by ow in order to maintain contact. Can you imagine the pain that shot through my heart. I told H that if he wanted the ow and his child that I would bow out gracefully. His claim is that he is not leaving his family to start another. I know that he wants to be a part of this childs life and I feel in my heart and soul that he has feelings for that evil woman.

After finding the phone we called OW and H wanted me to tell her exactly how we planned on dealing with this matter. Needless to say she is not woman enough to deal with this on a adult level and hung up the phone. So I'm mailing her broken to pcs. phone back to her with the following note. All suggestions AND ADVICE welcomed.

"Enclosed is the phone that you purchased for my husband. K listen! A Lot of harmful events has taken place over the past year as a result of the UNGODLY ACTIONS of YOU AND MY HUSBAND. Your reason for being angry with me does not compare to all the reasons I have to hate you. For once try to put yourself in my shoes and ask yourself does this woman have reason to feel the way that she does. But I don’t hate you K I actually feel very sorry for you and I’m willing to forgive for that sake of ALL the INNOCENT CHILDREN INVOLVED HERE. THE BIG QUESTION IS, CAN YOU FORGIVE YOURSELF AND ARE YOU WOMAN ENOUGH LAY DOWN YOUR ARMS AND DO WHATS BEST FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED HERE. You don’t have a clue as to who and the type of man (meaning B) that you’re dealing with here… I DO.

My husband has made it clear that the relationship that the two of you once shared is over. I’ve given him every opportunity to leave us and go to you and I’ll bow out gracefully. But, he made it clear that he does not want you in that way but he may be willing to have your child in our lives. Now I think you’ve made it clear that you do want him in your child’s life (if it is in fact his child) And we’re letting you know that from now on all contact with my husband for what ever reason has to be made through me. At this point K there’s no need for you and I to carry on like bitter wild women. Face it the damage is done you’re hurting just as I am. Let’s be civilized adults and think about our children here. Know that I’m not reaching out to harm you in any way. Feel free to call me."

I can't help but feel that H is protecting this ow at the expense of my feelings. I wish I could just pack my bags and move as far away from this situation as I can. God I hurt. I can't believe that people can be so uncaring and devious. Why should I care at all? No one cared about me and my daughters feelings! Through it all I pray that I don't end up in bankruptcy court.

Robbed.
Good! Glad you took the advice and posted here. The boards are slow due to the holidays but keep checking. Also you got a response from someone on your other thread. She is VERY nice and super helpful. Check it out

Friends, can anyone help Robbed today?

Thanks
Zoey

~bump~

Hi robbed,

The boards are very slow on the weekends so I just wanted to offer you a little support until posters who have experience and wisdom to offer you see your post. I don't have experience with this because OW aborted (FWH had doubts from the beginning whether or not it was his, and we will never know).

I would definitely get a paternity test as soon as possible, and POJA with H about how to be responsible parents to this child without allowing the baby's other mother (ex-OW) to interfere with your parenting responsibilities or your marital relationship.

Btw, did you know that there is a board here that is specifically for dealing with OC's? Reading old posts might help you get started until the boards pick up again after the weekend and the holidays.

Take care robbed. I'll say a prayer for you.

Thank you all for responding. I will take your advice. Please know that I may not get back to the boards in a timely manner do to job ect.. but I need and am looking forward to and appreciate all of your advice support and help. Thanks for being her. Please know that I will answer the questions asked later this evening. thank you all so much & God bless.

robbed,
First off let me identify myself by stating I am an OW (or was, unsure when the title no longer applies).

I can understand your anger that your H lied to you to go visit w/ the baby and then bringing home the phone to boot. However, I believe that anger should be directed at him and not only OW. After all it is him who lied to go see the baby. It is also him who brought the phone home. As far as what you deem lies in therapy - he may not have known how he would feel once his firstborn son arrived.

You stated you and H had decided to deal w/ the baby issues together. That is great. However, from reading your post you still have a lot of anger and hurt (which is justified). The baby is very young. Can you honestly say you would have felt comfortable going to OW's house and watching H visit w/ OC?

I would suggest you get a paternity test ASAP. A company known as Doctors Labatory (sp?) is nationwide and will do one for $575.00 w/out a court order or MD request. As far as the bankruptcy issue is concerned perhaps your H could get OW to sign an agreement that would be less than the usual 20 - 24% of his gross income.

It is clear by your H's deception that he intends to be a part of his son's life. Your anger is justified. However, if your H believes he has to lie just to go see his son in order to protect your feelings or avoid an arguement HE WILL. H has recomitted to you and your M. Keep that in mind and approach your H and make it clear that you want him to be honest about all contact and communication. Then, provide him an environment where he feels free to share this info w/ you.

As far as the letter is concerned I would nix the whole thing. Vent here on your support board - not at H.

Good luck to you. tew

Robbed,

God Bless you. I too must begin by saying that I am an xOW. I don't envy you this horrid situation.

In reading your letter the one thing that really struck me was that H didn't sign or co-sign it. Maybe he did, but that's not what i'm reading.

I don't know the dynamics of the relationship of OW and your H, but unless you present a united front to this woman I would think that the effect of your words to her would be extremely limited.

I think that it's very powerful that you made it clear to her that you were willing to bow out gracefully. In a certain respect that puts the onus on him to make a change. Sounds like you're being adult to the best of your ability. Hope the others rise to the occasion as well.

God Bless.

KS

For the record I opted to send the phone back without the letter in an envelope addressed by my H.

Trust me H gets his share of the my anger. In fact he told me tonight that I was a pain in the butt sometimes. I realize that he's more at fault then she is. He failed to protect me and my family.

As for contact with OC I honestly don't want any contact until our marriage is strong enough to handle contact. That child is innocent and its sad that its parents didn't stop to think of how its life would be affected. I do know that with God on my side I can handle having this child in my life.

My H needs serious help and is not interested in getting it. OW seems to be holding the baby over his head in order to ty to rebuild the relationship they once shared. Whats sad is the woman does not know my H. This woman got pregnent knowing he was married and in a relationship with another co-worker who after finding out about the pregnacy called me to apologize for all she had put me through over the past few years. I'm pretty sure that she does not realize that she just had a baby by a diagnosed sex addict.

In all honesty I don't want H to have any contact with OW or OC until our marriage is capable of handling it and until he is no longer emotionally connected.

But, is that fair or realistic? What will it take for you to feel your M can handle it? And if you don't know, how will he? tew

FAIR?

Nothing in this situation is fair. I have to think about whats best for MY children, not whats best for his and the OW's child. She's obviously not willing to deal with this matter as a mature adult.
Its going to take a whole lot of soul searching and trust building to get through this. Its going to take the OW accepting the fact that with my H comes our Family and no relationship between the two of them. Her goal at this point is to disrupt or breakdown my marriage in hopes of building a family with my H. You can't build a family or deal with a situation like this with a cell phone.

robbed,
I agree nothing about EMR is fair.

Its going to take the OW accepting the fact that with my H comes our Family and no relationship between the two of them. Her goal at this point is to disrupt or breakdown my marriage in hopes of building a family with my H. ou can't build a family with a cell

However, you have no control over the OW accepting the above. What will it take from your H to be ok w/ contact?

Also is patternity testing an issue? tew

H needs to change location of job. H needs to confront and deal with his sexual addiction. H needs to totally recommit to marriage. H needs search for spiritual growth. I can go on and on. But so far we take it one day at a time. To tell you the truth I've been through so much for so many years I'm not far from cutting my losses and walking away without looking back. If I were to ever tell my whole story you all might kick me for staying in such a relationship.

Oh yes I wouldn't have it any other way before I dime comes out of my household. Test is a must.