I did my best plan A yesterday when I saw my WH unexpectedly. I went to visit my family for the week and WH knew I would be gone and was taking care of our pet. I met him for a drink just before I left (I know not plan B, but we saw eachother briefly and I gave him the gifts for his family and a small joke present from me which he thought was wonderful). I spoke to him briefly on Christmas Day (he called to say merry christmas) and to thank my parents for his gift.

I returned this weekend from my trip to find WH at the house. After twelve hours of less than joyful holiday travel, I walked in to find him there and gave him my best hello, how are you and tried to sound upbeat. It was frankly heartwrenching for me to see him there. He could not look at me and said he was glad I was home safely and other chit-chat. I thanked him for taking care of the house and the pet and then went about unpacking and watering plants, etc. He said he had to go to dinner at his parents. I told him to have a good time at his parents.

I felt so weird when he left. My first thought was how strange it was to have him there at the house. My second thought was that I was mad at myself for feeling some hope when I saw his car there. It is very strange to not be able to talk to someone that was a part of my daily life and dreams for fourteen years.

I have no recent proof but expect that he still sees OW. They still work together and I know they were together as recently as just before Thanksgiving.

It's been less than three months of plan B. For whatever reason, he's been in contact just before Christmas and I probably should have said no I do not want to see you. It was good to see him, but frustrating at the same time.

I konw that I should tell him if he gets in touch with me again that I cannot see him unless he wants to work on our M and OW is out of the picture completely.

Some days I do wish for a divorce and for this to be over. Other days I still hope for the chance to try and work on our M. Waiting is not one of my strong suits and there are days when the idea of my waiting out this A seems so incredible to me that I cannot believe that I've put up with this.

I do feel better about not being in contact with him much. It is simply too painful to watch this man in such despair and confusion and guilt. I think how can a person live like this? It's not living. It's brief moments of happiness with the OW and the rest of the time cut off from friends (they did not cut him off, he did this), family, and doing anything that brings him joy. He no longer climbs or skis or any of the activities he used to enjoy. He can no longer blame me for not having the life he was "meant to have". If he doesn't go somewhere or make something happen it has nothing to do with me. If he's unhappy it has nothing to do with me. In three months I've seen him three times very briefly and have been nothing but pleasant and do not ask questions other than "how are you"? or "how is your job going". We haven't lived together in a year and saw eachother maybe once a week during that time. He sees that I am changing and trying to improve my life, but has no will to do so for himself.

In many ways I think seeing him despite my previous resolve not to do so in plan B has resulted in more of a desire to NOT continue a relationship. It crushes hope.

Hi unsure,

Wow....Everytime I read a thread like yours it touches my heart. I know you miss your H in every way. Who wouldn't after fourteen years. I can't really offer any advice because well you know at this time in my life I'm clueless but I want to tell you how much I admire you.

You have so much patience for someone that doesn't have such a stong suit for waiting. You are such a strong person and I can tell just by reading your thread. I know that feeling you got when you saw your H car and that wierd feeling you got when he left. I can understand the madness you felt for feeling some hope. I know that one so very well. I hope that your H A ends very very soon or has ended already and comes to his senses before he loses such a wonderful woman.

Post more later Melinda

Hi unsureheart- how well I empathise with your feeling of uncertainty between wanting a dv to be over and wanting to hold out for your m. I am in the same place. I haven't as yet manager plan B becuase I find it too difficult to contemplate with the children. I found out about A in Oct 2000 and H moved out Feb 2001 and so I have been trying to see a move in my marriage for over 2 years. I would never have counted myself patient either but have found the strength to wait from somewhere. I pray that 2003 will see a breakthrough for you.

Jante

Hi USH, I don't know what to say to you but I know where you are and its extremely frustrating. You are halfway between moving on completely and still being in love.

I think I knew in my heart H would not come back, that's why I didn't plan B properly. I knew if I fell out of love completely, which I have now, it wouldn't hurt so much and it dosen't. I am moving on absolutely. There's still anger, but it more about having to do all the legal stuff rather than what he did. I care very much and I hope he is happy.

In the end we all find our own way and know what is right for us, and you do whatever you can to save the R. I really am satisfied I did everything possible and I am peaceful.

Your H sounds confused and depressed (surprise!) let him sort it out, would you really want him back like this right now anyway? After all the crap you've had this year, would you really want his too? You can't fix him he has to do it himself.

But you know all this USH, its just you needed reminding. You are OK and you are very strong and patient.

Have a wonderful New Year (its NYE day here and I'm excited that 02 is ending). I've got a bottle of Asti Riccadona Champagne and I'm drinking it with a good friend (I'm so grateful for my friends).

So, what will be your resolve for 03?

Hi Unsureheart,
My heart ached when I read your post because I can feel your pain and frustration. My WH and I are recently separated, 11/15, but d-day was 7/4 and we were basically separated, but living together since then.

Each time I see my H (quite often since we have a young daughter), my heart aches because I keep wishing for what could be, etc. But, at this time he has a major alcohol problem, along with being depressed. Though, he'll never admit it.

I don't have any advice, just wanted you to know you're in my thoughts. I hope you have a good New Year -- I'm looking forward to a new start, whatever that may be.

Peace,
RD

Unsure, you know that I have the upmost respect and care for you and your situation, I am so astounded at the strength and patience you have shown as I have read most of your threads. I do not have any words other than I wish you the best in the coming year, I know that there is so many special blessings waiting for you for all that you have gone through.

I do have to snap at you though!!! You said, and I quote: "Waiting is not one of my strong suits" If waiting isn't one of them, I have no clue what one would be for you then!!!! Just think about ALL you have gone through and re-evaluate that statement and let me know if you regained your senses!!!

I'm sure you will know soon what exactly it is that you want to do, and whatever it is, it will be the right choice for you and you won't ever have to question it either way, I just know that you have worked so hard and gained so much, I would expect there is nothing I could tell you that you don't know about yourself. But, know that you are in my thoughts and again I want to state how you amaze me with your patience and fortitude. Take Care

depressed (we need to change your user name/I don't like calling you depressed even if that's how you feel. I posted in your jfo forum and hope you're doing better). Thank you for your words of encouragement. In some ways, I hope you are not discouraged by the length of my trials because I don't think they are necessarily indicative of others' experiences here. I cannot believe it's been almost a year since all of this exploded in my face. I am doing so much better than I was back then. My life is better. Unfortunately, my WH is still stuck in a bad place (by his own admission).

jante - Thank you. I know from reading some of your posts that you know precisely the trepidation and frustration I feel. You must have a lot of personal inner strength to persist in the face of your WH's anger for this long. I am really losing my will to stick with this. WH is depressed and angry at the world and has cut off all of his friendships. I don't see any movement or change on his part. I look hard and I think I see mirages from looking so hard to see the smallest change.

seahorse - Hello friend. You are right about plan B. In many ways I believe that it is prolonging my slow realization that WH is not going to change and that he derives some perverse pleasure or satisfaction out of being angry and depressed. I am sure there is some psychological term for it. I know from what I hear from others that he is not exuding happiness and that "he's a mess", etc. I am beginning to think that maybe OW is some kind of depressed person or somehow she fills some hole in her own life out of having this man that is so stuck a part of it. I don't say this out of vindictiveness toward her. I just cannot imagine that this situation and the state of my WH's mind is a positive force in her life (not that I care that much about that at this point; it's more a curiousity to me).

There are days when I will run into WH's former friends and they will ask "Why do you not seek a divorce?. He's a mess. He won't get help. He needs to hit rock bottom. He's hopeless" and I think to my self that they are right. The other part of my soul feels that it's wrong to abandon him in this state even if he's abandoned me in many respects. It just doesn't seem right. I am very torn into pieces over what to do so I am guessing that doing nothing right now in regard to WH and my M or a divorce is the right course.

I was very sad to read your latest post, but do believe you have tried everything possible. You may also want to check in with Going Crazy over on the recovery board. Her WH has thrown her for a terrible loop after coming home.

I had to chuckle at your mention of champagne (Happy New Year) as I just returned from purchasing six bottles to take to a small gathering tomorrow night. I'm not much for NYE most years, but this year it seems fitting to be with friends, drink champagne, watch fireworks, and make resolutions/proclamations about the year to come. It HAS to be better than finding out your WH has his head up his rump and that it's permanently lodged there and coping with a sick parent (in your case much worse). My prediction is that your dog is going to recover. You are going to meet someone fabulous while scuba-diving.

rosedust - Thank you for your words of empathy. It is comforting, but also disturbing to know that others are going through this same situation. It means the world to have others to post to that understand. Not many people in your real life can understand what this is like.

neesha - I think we were posting on eachothers' threads at the same time. Thank you. I also wanted to let you know I read your conflict avoider post. I think the question is almost a chicken or the egg type of question. Are they conflict avoiders to start with and that makes them wired to have an A as a avoidance of issues in their M? Or do they have an A and then become conflict avoiders? I think the answer is usually the first one. They avoid all types of conflict and that makes them more likely to seek out a fantasy or reassurance outside the M because the M is inherently full of some kind of conflict. Just a thought.

unsure, I agree with what you said about conflict avoiders, my WS is one, I think that is one of the things that lead him down the A path, he would refuse to deal with anything that he considered an emotional or mental issue therefore letting things just lie dormant and thinking they would magically disappear and "poof" it would all gone. Then after ignoring any issue be it every day life or relationship issue he would turn it around so he was a victim, well not being one to play that role it was a recipe for disaster, boy one heck of a recipe I might add!! Thanks for taking the time to give me your input as it does help me to hear views.

Hi unsure...

Well, don't we find ourselves in just a wonderful land of limbo this New Year's Eve.

I too empathize with you. It has been a year since my WW moved out...a year today in fact...so I know what you mean about not having this person to see and to talk to that was part of your life for so long...in my case 13 years.

You still sound amazingly strong and patient and I guess that's the way I feel about me too but it still provides no payoff because it just seems like life is passing us by, ya know?

Even my WW asked me last week..."Why do you still hang in there?" I don't know if I have an answer for myself let alone one I could give to her or friends...she is still confused, fogged and scared...but neither of us seems to be able to summon the will to end this...

I do know that I made a commitment and remain resolved to try to follow it thru...

It was interesting when I spoke with her last week...I asked her what she wanted and she said the same thing she has said numerous times. She said she wants things to be the way they were....

Well you know what...they can't be and they can't come close without trying to make it so but, like your WH, it seems there is so much confusion and fog in their heads that they don't know how to do anything but follow that limbo-land trail.

I wish I had some magic answer for you but I don't and I don't for myself...

All you can do is stay strong and follow your heart...I know you will.

My best to you for 2003.

Take care,

E

elad - thank you. I wish things were different for both of us. I wish that I had some clarity about what to do.

It's funny that you posted the Desiderata poem just before Christmas and that a phrase from it is now in your tag line. I sent that to WH about a month after finding out. He loves poetry and I thought it was fitting. I also found the works of Pablo Neruda to be particularly appropos for me at that time. I haven't gone back and read any poetry for months now.

I hope the New Year finds you well.

Hi unsure...

Yeah, I like the poem (and those who know me would never believe I would utter those words <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) That line about the universe unfolding as it should...well, I guess it justs seems to fit...

Take care

E