well it has been a couple of days since i posted..last night i was at my lowest point....i wanted to die...i walked out of the house and walked to the highway with every intention of stepping in front of a truck and ending it all..the only thing that stopped me was the thought kept running through my mind..."what if i don't die? What if this doesn't kill me and i survive and have severe brain damage or something like that, and my children have to see me like this?" And i couldn't do it...thats not to say that i feel any better...i still don't want to live...but i also know that all the pain i am going through, i deserve...i was sexually abused as a child for a long period of time..and i have trouble with relationships and trust issues as a result of that...i have been having memories that were repressed for a lot of years coming back to me over the last few years...and instead of dealing with them like an adult, i did the childish thing and ran from them...they are horrifying..and i couldn't face them...i didn't believe myself worthy of my husbands love, so i did everything i could to destroy that love..and now i want it back...i realized for the first time recently just what i had....how much he loved me and how much **** he put up with from me over the years...and now its his turn to be selfish.......its his turn to be scared and confused...and i understand that..but it feels like my past is going to forever destroy my future.....recently, i decided that it is time for me to face the past...and deal with all the pain and ugliness...only now i have no one to help me deal with it..because the one person who was always there to help me, is no longer there.....and i have no one...i am terrified.......i don't know what to do........i love him sooo much...and he can't see that....and its all my fault....because i pushed him away...

i pushed you away with my pain,
my confusion, my anger, my fear;
now you're gone, and i'm all alone,
no one, no where, to hear
my cries for help,
my desperate pleas,
my begging down on bended knees,
no one, no where; alone again,
just as it has always been.

I've been there.

Listen, please PLEASE see your doctor and get some anti-depressents to help you over this hump. I know it's humiliating, but it will be worth it, I promise. Tell him/her the truth, and BE HONEST. Even if you cry... please, YOU CAN'T HEAL if you don't take that first, difficult step forward.

It takes time to forgive yourself. I know. Years, sometimes. Be patient with yourself.

I hope you're in therapy about your past sexual abuse... believe it or not, there's a LOT of us here who have had similiar experiences. Pretty sad, eh?

You are not alone - it feels like it, I know - but there are people here who care.

Give your husband time to get through his grief. This has been devistating for him. He'll need time, and space... you're right that it's his turn...

Please see your doctor... you sound very depressed.

I read this post, then before answering went and read the other one you started so I'd have a more general idea as to what is happening.

First and foremost...get yourself to your family doctor and get some help for the depression. While it's perfectly understandable that your H would be depressed...so too is it understandable that you are depressed and in dispair.

I'd also advise to get the book by David D. Burns, MD...Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy...this book is NOT about affairs it's about how we allow our thoughts to lead us into distorted thinking and sending our emotions into depression. It helped me a great deal. It's only about $18-20 at Barnes and Nobles and can also be bought over the internet. You're H would also benefit from this book.

Second, from your other post, you stated you live in an area where there is not alot of help to reach out for and as in all our situations seems as money is tight. Check with your church about free counseling...if you don't have a church, check with social services in your area and see if they have some mental help services which you can get for free or based on income. Ask your family doctor...usually they know of some counselors who will charge on a sliding scale if there isn't insurance. Contact your local hospital and see if they have some type of counseling for child abuse survivors.

You MUST get counseling for your childhood issues! Disregarding the infidelities at this moment, you need to work through these issues before you can truly began working on your marriage. They impact your marriage and your behavior as a partner. Unless you can understand and accept why you've taken the path you've taken so often, you will continue to choose that option when things seem to be "wrong" inside the marriage.

If you're able to work on YOU, becoming a better person, no matter what happens in your marriage...you'll come out ahead. Your spouse may well see these improvements and want to benefit from them. You want to share your life, happiness and joy with your spouse, you don't want to find it there...as we must find inner peace first before we can share with another.

You DO NOT have to let your past destroy your future...but you must ACT. It's up to you to make your life better...getting help is the first step.

Good Luck to you and your H.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem!
I was once so depressed I wanted to die also. But Thank God, I was not alone. God was with me each time I thought of it or tried it. As A Christian, I had to learn that one must make Jesus the center of ones life, with all others in the outside perimeter. Jesus in center, Spouse next, then children and family and so on. If both in the marriage can do this, then all things are possible. A very good book to read is; "Handbook to Happiness" by Charles R. Solomon. If both read it is even better. Putting it into practice is the best both can do! I read about 250 books a year, and this is one of the best. "Making Love Last Forever" is another one by Gary Smalley. Hope this helps someone. As for counseling, I believe the best is face to face! Also, look in local newspaper for Emotions Anonymous groups. They are free if in your area. I tried one here and liked it. Many churches have marriage and divorce support groups. Keep calling until you find one. Every little bit helps. God bless, LouLou

Oh Sweetie. If I had a dime for everytime I used to feel just like you do, I'd be BILL GATES 10 times over. Im not dismissing your feelings, I am validating them but you have to dig deep in your soul. You are a worthy, loving human being. You made a mistake but it does not have to end your life. Sure your mind can make you think that but you can survive this, if I did, YOU CAN TOO.

I can help you if you like. Come here to MB. There are so many good people here that can help you. Please Please don't take that route. Have you seen a doctor? Can you talk to a family member or friend? Ive been there and its ugly I know.

Your husband cannot see your love for him because he is drowing in pain from the betrayal. You have to give him time to sort it out. My H was the same way at first. I promise it gets better it takes time but it will get better. You need help as you cannot do this alone particularly if you feel this bad.

Please let us hear from you again. I hope you will please come back and let us know how we can help you.

This site is a lifelife. God threw it out to you as a rope. Hang on and let us help you.

Im a former WS. I cheated. We have been in recovery for 3 years. You can do this but you can't do it alone okay and that is what we are all here for. Praying for you.

What you did does not make you an ugly bad person. I know you feel that way but listen, you are NOT that person. You are human and you made a mistake and not to mention I see you have some horrible past experiences. Please get some help because this is major stuff and no one can do it alone. I'd be lost without MB.
Zoey

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 10:45 PM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

Cheatedandregretit your feelings are totally natural but I just want you to remember that it was also your feelings that drove you to chose to have your A's so be very careful in letting them chose your actions once more.

You are no longer a child subject to the will of the adults around you, so your RATIONAL mind should be the 'adult' that you should heed to give you peace of mind. Your feelings will only play Russian roulette and devastate your life and the lives of your love ones as well. If you find that your rational mind is not strong enough to control your feelings, then I would suggest that you consider going to a doctor and have her/him prescribe you anti-depressants.

You ARE NOT alone. We are here to support and help each other. Remember this.

Hey
Worried about you. When you can post an update for us okay. Hope you are okay

Zoey