I just told the wife I wasn't ready to move out. She asked what I was doing tonight and I told her I was taking the kids to the party. WoW! she got real upset and said I was only doing that so they would feel sorry for me. That I wanted everyone to be against her. I told her I was leaving town tomorrow and she got upset again. It looks like she is leaving town tonight and wont be back until noon tomorrow.
I ask again... WHY AM I TRYING?
So since I wasn't moving out and I was going to let everyone know what she has been up to, she wanted me to sign the papers. I said I couldn't do that until I felt good about it. She said she would pay the lawyer Thursday to have me served.
She couldn't do this any more.
I am prying for insperation, I don't know what is right and what will drive a wedge further between us.
CD

Don't sign anything until you have your own lawyer. She is trying to make you feel guilty for taking your kids to a party when she is going out of town overnight? (with the OM, I assume)

She is reacting because she wants you to move out and look like the bad guy. SHE is the one who has someone else, SHE is the one who will have to answer the tough questions from her family.

You keep up the good work of being a father and don't worry about driving a wedge between you and your W. Right now, I would say there is a whole lumber yard between you. She is pressuring you to move out and sign papers because she wants this over and done with HER way. DON'T give in!

You will be ok without her if that's what happens, take care of yourself and your kids.

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 07:31 PM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]</small>

Always take the 'high' road!
...and you won't regret your decisions.

Don't sign the paper...
...always... always have a lawyer review the papers...

...and even then... only after you really know you've done all you can to save your marriage...
...only then... move into a Plan B for a period of time... before the divorce.

If at all possible... it is the WS that needs to move out an actively see for themselves... what the impact on family will be.

Are you talking to your DDs?... This is important... especially for them to know what you stand for...
...standing for what is right will be important to them when as they grow up.

Prayers...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Citydweller,
She moved out (7/00), then back(11/00),then out (12/00), then back (3/01,visited OM in FL after he moved there (5/01),limited contact til 9/01,she told him to stop calling her, 2 months no cantact, then he called her to say he wanted to see her for Xmas she said no. 1/02 His sister
called My W to tell her OM was getting married to someone he knew before, She was calling him when W was living with him. Wife went off deep end. seems like when OM was still in the wings she could do day to day with me and things were OK. Him getting married made her feel used. early 2/02 we put our house on market, it sold in 3 days, moved 3/02. she into her place Me into mine. waited for divorce papers to go through( 2nd try) by end of april OM had called my W to say he wanted to see her and maybe move back. Wife asked about his getting married. He was surprised she knew and said he would like to come back to my W. She told me about all this after she prayed on it and decided that she couldn't trust him and should never have believed him. I was the only one who stayed the course and she hoped I could forgive her for hurting me so much. We had many talks and they were truthful.Hopes fears hurts etc. I moved back in with her when she asked me. We still have some work to do, and forgiveness is a over and over again process. I still get mad at times but I remind myself that we have a better marriage than even 5 years ago. We have both commented that we almost lost it all. I never thought I'd be at this point, always hoped.

PS I stayed in the house, she moved. The others are right, don't move until court etc. says you need to move, even then I'd try to have court say no OM can live there while kids are there, it is not good for them and decreases their safety.

Sorry I get long winded.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by citydweller:
<strong>WoW! she got real upset and said I was only doing that so they would feel sorry for me. That I wanted everyone to be against her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CD, this is EXACTLY what we expected!!!!!!

She is reading the WS script perfectly!!

She's blame shifting everything to you - as expected.

Believe it or not, this is good news. This is all her guilt being outwardly projected. You are public enemy number one!! You are getting in the way of her perfect plans!! You scumbag!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

See?????

The hardest thing for a new BS is to NOT take this stuff personally. You are just the closest, easiest target for her to blame because she cannot blame herself. She has painted over all the mirrors in her life and cannot see herself as doing ANYTHING wrong.

Try to see thru her and see her for what she is right now - a very confused woman desperate to keep the good feelings of the affair going. Tilt your head a little and look out of the corner of your eyes and see how ridiculously childish she's being. Read Rule #1 in the Guidelines post linked in my sig line. This is where you are right now.

<small>[ January 01, 2003, 09:57 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

OK, I have been out of town for a couple of days so I will get U all caught up.
New Years Eve W went out with OM of course, so I took the girls to a party with some friends and then went to her family party without her. I had a good time and only stopped to think of what she was doing a few hundred times.
I was really upset when the New Year came and my OD asked why mom didn't come with us to this party. I just explained that she choose to go to a different party. My D just started crying with real pain. She couldn't understand why mommy always leaves them to go out with her friends. I told her not to worry, mommy still loves them. It broke my heart! I called W to say happy New Year and she asked to talk to D. When D started crying and asking why she didn't come with us; she wanted to talk to me again. She screamed and yelled at me saying I told her to say things and she wouldn't have known if I didn't say anything. I simply told her that she is 7 and she does notice things! Of course she was real upset that I was going to the family party. That I was only going so they could feel sorry for me. The real reason she was upset is because she would have to explain why she wasn't there. While I was gone she asked what I told her sister. When I told her that I told her that W had other plans with someone else she blew up again. Telling me that she hated me and Thursday morning she was going to find a Lawyer. That she never wanted to see me again! Yesterday as I was traveling home we talked and everything were calm but still going to file. I said that was fine she had to do what she had to do. She asked why I wouldn't sign, I told her because I had to face myself when it was over. I never want to think I gave up on her. When I got home she said she didn't file because she spent the money on a jacket instead. But asked again if I wasn't going to sign. I said I couldn’t.
We talked about why she was so confused. She said she really didn't understand why or what she feels. Felt that if we divorced she could choose or not choose to stay with OM. She felt that while still M to me she was drawn to him. She told me how they fight alot and how his friends treat her bad. I told her she didn't have to let anyone treat her bad, that she was a good person with mistakes. Maybe it was all talk, but when she left she said, "thank you, I feel better about myself". I don't know if I did any good but at least we weren’t fighting. She was going to be gone for the whole weekend so we dint have to see each other, but when she left she said she might come home early.
I asked if she hated me for not signing, she said no. I told her that I hoped she understood my feeling on why I didn't want to sign and she said she wished I understood why she needed it.
What a circle of he!!.

Still looks like D is inevitable, but maybe we can be friends when it’s over.
CD

CD,
She is telling you about the fights that they have and that his friends treat her badly. She did not file because she spent the $ on a jacket?

She does not know what she wants, she wants you to sign the papers and be the bad guy so she can figure out if the OM is what she wants.

Can you see what is happening here? She is backpeddling, she is not ready to end your marriage even if she is not willing to commit to it. Hold on, keep up the good parenting and take care of yourself and the girls.

I was glad to hear from you, you were in my thoughts. You are going to make it, with or without her!

Thanks,
You are right, she doesn't know what she wants. I just got off the phone with her. She was asking when I was moving out, I said I had told her I wasn't going to. Once again she thinks I am playing with her, so again she said I could talk to her Lawyer and she was going to take everything she deserved. I said That was fine I couldn't stop her, But I still care about her. Then she replied she would move out on Monday and bring me a list of everything she wanted. I said OK. She even talked to the Ds and told them she didn't want to live with me any more and wouldn't come home until I left.
It hurts but I can't back down and do want she wants. I told her I was sorry that she thought I was playing with her, but I had to do things so that I felt good about it. She said she had to do the same.

I don't know what I'm doing right now. I am feeling lost.... again!
CD

I am wanting to call and talk to her. Is this wrong? How do I fight it, I feel if I do call its to clingy. And we would end up fighting for something. But I want her to know I do care, how do I show her? Or will she only see what she wants to right now?
I told the kids what was really going on. Was that wrong? I did because she told them she wasn't coming home while I was here.
CD

CD,

Your W is bouncing up and down. Very unstable at this momment.

IMHO, this means you need to secure stability for your children. You have indicated your W is angry no matter what you do. This is not good for the children. She is also claiming to remove them from your presence. If they are not safe with her, you may need to take measure to ensure their safety. Don't underestimate this issue.

Courts are much in favor of wives and you may need to show some stuff if you feel they are not safe or you will be kept from seeing your children as she acts out her anger upon them.

Be wise and be careful!

L.

Yes my W is angry most of the time. However there are times when i feel she is really looking for help. She doesn't know what she wants or needs to come out of this fog, I don't even know if its the fog thats keeping her down. She has never really been mean with the kids, I can not say that at all.
She left when I got back and came home today for a bit. She was going to go to her nieces blessing, but since I was going she said she wasn't. Got upset again for the fact that I wasn't moving out. She said she would find an apartment on Monday, she would come home until the kids are in bed then leave. Some how I don't see this as working very well. She is here with the kids and still gets to leave and be with OM.
What can I do?
How ever, before I left she said she hated me and was tired of me playing with her. But I recieved 3 text messages from her that said she didn't hate me, that she felt guilty for what she has done. That I was the best person she knows, and get this one. If she was single she would look me up.
I never know what to expect from day to day.
I just want my life back
CD

As NSR said, he is a vet of these boards as are me & WAT (over 15,00 posts just between us 3) so we have heard it all (and then some <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).

Stop & take a breath. She will do stuff which is very predictable. Think about what YOU do. Don't react immediately to anything she does (except say thanks if it's something good).

Plan A. Be nice. Be pleasant. Don't LB. Don't argue. You don't have to agree with her (as in when she goes out with om or calls you every name in the book.) Simply be respectable to her EVEN when she disses you.

Lotsa stuff happening. ALL of it is "according to the ws script" - wherever that is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I picked a few lines from your posts in this topic.

If I don't move into our other home i feel things could get real ugly.
But it will get nice if you do move out? DON'T MOVE OUT! It's not what married people do. It's one more thing she could use in the divorce. After all, YOU moved out.

Now I am really confused! She is divorcing me no matter what.

the papers are being filed if I want to or not.

One way or another she will DV me.
So she says. Many ws say this and many never even see a lawyer. Many others see a lawyer but never complete the paperwork or get it done but never actually file it.

Besides if you agree with it and go along with no resistance at all, it would appear to her (naturally) that you don't love her.

I aske dif she was going to see him.
Of course she is. Don't ask. Sets her up to lie & sets you up to get hurt.

Isn't my moving out because she is still seeing OM like plan B.
Sort of. BUT, you don't do a Plan B without a Plan B letter AND only after you have done a fantastic Plan A after at least 3 months.

Yes my W is angry most of the time. However there are times when i feel she is really looking for help.
Then show her you are there for her (this is Plan A.) You don't need to overdo it telling her this. By NOT LB, even when there is good reason, you show her you are someone she can trust.

<small>[ January 06, 2003, 12:22 AM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

Ok, I just need to vent again. I went home and talked to W about the D. I explained that I couldn't just sign the papers because I never want to look back and wonder if I gave up to easy. She said I wasn't giving up, she was divorcing me. She was upset that I am making her get a lawyer, so I left before I I did any LBing. She called a bit later and said sorry, she didn't want to fight, she just wish I understood how she felt. She wanted to have a good relationship with me where we could go and do things with the kids and even go out together.
I just can't understand why we can do that and not try before its over. Why? Because she is dateing someone else! RThat pisses me off! I really want to find theis guy and let him know How I really feel!!!! I want to hurt him!!!

Sorry, It just built up.
CD

I went home and talked to W about the D.
DO NOT talk about it unless SHE brings it up. (Direct from Steve Harley)

She said I wasn't giving up, she was divorcing me.
Then let her do it. You don't have to go along "just because."

so I left before I I did any LBing.
Good job!

She called a bit later and said sorry,
Because you did not LB and make her feel as if she was justified in yelling at you.

I really want to find theis guy and let him know How I really feel!!!! I want to hurt him!!!

STOP!!!!
It's okay to feel this way. However, be very, very careful about letting it get out this is how you feel. If you see him, leave. Do not stick around & try to "talk." It could very easily get out of hand.

I am really wanting to cave and agree to what she wants.
I just got a call from W and she was asking why I put toys out in the garage that the OM and his mom got my girls for x-mas. I told her that it was because of where they came from. Ofcourse that wasn't right, she said they didn't know where they came from, I told her I do!
So she asked if I was moving out Friday. I asked what Friday was, the day shes taking the papers to court. I said I wasn't moving until the D was final. Is that wrong? She again told me she hates me sometimes. I just feel like I am makeing sure I have no chance to get back together, ever!
I am so full of anxiody (if thats how its spelled) I want to curl up in a corner and just stay there. Why is this so hard, I see it happening to alot on this board. Shouldn't I be pissed off at the world and takeing my stuff and leaving? I feel helpless.
CD

CD:

You have every right to be tweaked. Just vent here all you want. Don't LB to your W.

As to what she wants. You know better than ever before that she has no idea what she wants. She isn't thinking rationally at all. Won't for months more at least. Just try to avoid DV talk or R talk if at all possible. Try to be patient. Stick by your guns. You are a respectable person, and if you can consistently show her that you have no intention of spearheading a DV or some other ridiculous "we can even start dating and doing stuff together" plan (heck, you're M'd, doing stuff together should be EASY).

No doubt, this will continue to be hard. But anything worth while is difficult. If you didn't love your W, in spite of what she's doing, you'd be relieved, not hurt. Please hang in there and be the best dad you can.

Another pleasnt night at home. The W was here til bed time then left. She called shorty after to tell me that if I wanted to make changes to the papers that she needed them by Wed morning. The lawyer was taking it to the courts on Friday. I was making the changes then thought why do I need to do it now? I have the right to answer the papers. I have 20 days to return them, why rush things?
I just don't know if I am doing more harm than good. But what does it matter, she isn't being nice at all. I just can'r believe that she would be doing this out in front of me. That really hurts. But I can't do it her way, I have to know I did all I could. I did alot of LBing but I think I am back to a good plan A.
When should I move out? Wait til the papers are filed or wait til the D is Final? Just don't know any more.
CD

When in doubt?!?!?? Stay put. Let her move around.... she is the antsy one.

If you have 20 days, then you have 20 days. Use them as you need. If she questions is, just say the docs are under review. She questions the type of review, say I will get back to you on that..... be as vague as they are in the A.

One thingy about WS they want quick and accurate responses from the BS. Well they may want it but the BS doesn't have to give it. Your choice.

As for her coming and going....well if it is your front door, you have the right not to let her in. Yes it may anger her but look at what it is doing to you.

JMHO,
L.

Yes it will anger her, but I guess that shouldn't be to big of a concern. After all she has done things withoout reguard to my feelings.
As for locking her out, I don't think so. That is against the law as it is her house also and she is on the morgage. Maybe I can just take the kids out for some fun or something.
My oldest D is suffering so much, I can see it in her eyes. But she is so special, to hear her say "It's ok daddy, your trying" makes me want to just die. The little one is playing her card early, Told me last night "I want to live witrh mommy". What a little turkey!
I pray they don't suffer because of us.
Cd

CD:

They will suffer. Rest assured (or otherwise). It's a crying shame that the WS can't see this while it's happening, or if they can, they can't see the "obvious" way out.

Take care,