My husband wants a divorce, & if it weren't for my beliefs in the bibles teaching that is exactly what i would want too. We have been working unsuccessfully at this marriage for almost 4 yrs now & I do mean working. We have been to 2 weekend marriage seminars through marriage builders, have counseled with 2 different ministers, have been to several months of marriage counseling and at least I have read several books on marriage including "His Needs Her Needs". He has been threating divorce since shortly after we first married.

We no longer have romantic love for each other. I feel my attempts to feel his needs are rejected or I am unable to anticapte what his love busters will be so I am constantly commiting love busters. I feel that at some levels he "refuses" to meet my needs because I can't meet his.

I want to feel that I have exhusted all avenues at reconciliation before I can let go-he is not living at home now and there is no other woman.
We can't go on like this.

Does anyone see anything here that I don't that could save this marriage?

What about Plan B?

Plan B seems kind of dangerous when it seems that there is no Plan A foundation.

To me it seems that perhaps the most important early step for working on the marriage was right in the description.

If you are constantly LBing, then that has to stop or nothing else will really matter. So with that in mind, it seems that working on yourself to identify your LBing actions would be an important step - maybe not the first, but definitely eventual. Then working on avoiding them.

Of course, there's other stuff also, (maybe the right MC with a definite plan for recovery?), but at least this is something.

I guess I had some typeo's and was misunderstood in my previous message. The point is I try to meet his needs but I feel he has put up a wall & won't accept my attempts at doing so I don't understand what might be an action that he inteprets as a disrespectful behavior ie... there are things I do that bother him which I don't anticipate being a problem. Then we both react with angy outburts over somthing that i never dreamed of being a problem.

How can I work on my not doing these things when I never know what they might be. I have asked him over and over to list what they might be and he can't or won't come up with anything concrete- just things like respect me (I didn't know I was disrespecting him). I guess what I'm saying is he is much more sensitive to my actions than I am accustomed to and I don't know how to be what he needs.

Sorry est,

you are right. I guess when I wrote the response, a question about plan A was implied. My bad.

Anyway dstar, at least you are trying. I was listening to Joyce Harley's radio show one day when Dr. Harley was on and he said you have to keep taking shots in the dark to find out what works and what doesn't when one spouse is withdrawn.

Stop comitting LBs and let any harsh words bounce right off and keep trying. Do not act weak or hopeless around him. Show him that you are strong and committed. Vent the steam off here and to friends and family. Have you read Love Busters?

If he LBs about something you do, just say you were trying to be nice and you did not realize that it would upset him and leave it at that. Keep your cool. I know this is not easy.

Counseling: What has been the pattern there? What happened that cause you to stop going?

I know you said that there is no OW. But if things keep going, in all likely hood there will be, eventually.

Lastly, don't think that you are wasting your time. You are working on you and that will pay dividends no matter what the outcome. You will know that you have done all you can and it was not in vain because you will have became someone that you can be proud of. Good luck and post back on the counseling.

You stated that there was no other woman in his life. Is there an other man in yours?

I cannot say what you should do that might get through to your husband, short of asking, and insisting he tell you,(show you or whatever)what exactly he needs from you. If he says "respect me" then he needs to point out the ways you are disrespecting him, and he needs to make clear what his meaning of respect is.

I will tell you that an affair is not the way to accomplish anything. If you, or he, is involved in an affair and won't stop and repair the marriage, then get a divorce.

You stated that he isn't living at home. Why? Seperation? His idea or yours? If he is out of the home, how can you be sure there is no other woman? It seems to me there is a lot more going on than what you have stated, with him or with you.

I am sorry for what your marriage is going through. I suggest you read all the articles on the main site and use anything that might apply to your case. There will be much information that could apply to your situation regardless if there is an affair involved. You should consider counseling with the Harley's. They will be able to help. I am glad you are giving this place your last chance. But you must use the tools available to you in order to get results.

I wish you the best.

jd

PS. You may also want to click on the link below, Carolkh's 180 approach. It might be something you would be interested in taking a look at.

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 02:09 PM: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</small>

Sorry if I'm not using this forum properly but I have never done this internet chatting?-or

Thanks for the help both of you have given. Your words of advice and liks mean a lot.

No, there is no other man or other woman, I'm certain. He involves himself in his work to excess and I know people there and near where he lives to know what is going on. I stay busy with my family & don't have time for anthing else, even if I were so inclined.

Alothough I thought they were very helpful, We quit the counseling with one minister and with the counselor because he didn't like what they had to say, he thought they were one sided.
We both thought, the other minister just didn't seem to be any help.

I have read Love busters, maybe I will pull it out and read it again. The letting things bounce off is hard for me especially when I'm stressed or,I don't think I've done anything wrong, and the resentments have built up. How do you do that.

Thanks, I hope I can get to the point where I can help someone one day.

ds