Allright people. I'm stuck in a very odd in-between stage, and I'm desperately in need of some advice.

My affair never happened -- technically.
We had it all planned, the secrecy, the meetings, everything. However when we met for our first encounter, my feelings for my husband overpowered me and I was unable to go through with it. God was most definately with me that night.

So I told my husband what was going on, so he knows everything. Problem is, "everything" is just that I have a male friend I'm physically attracted to that I'll never actually choose to be with.

This friend, BTW, is a co-worker. Breaking off further communication is impossible unless I quit my job.

My question is.. do I actually need to? Since the affair didn't actually happen, he's not actually an ex-lover. Is he still dangerous? Am I right to still not quite trust myself? I refuse to associate with him outside of work unless we're in a public environment -- is this enough? Or should I seriously consider seeking other employment? I really like my job, I've never had a job I felt this good about, and a lot of what makes me like this job is the friends I have -- both the "lover" in question, as well as others.

So basically I'm rambling here.. but if anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I'm open to hearing what anyone has to say. Thank you for your time.

You had an infidelity. No in between.

Now that that's settled,

what do you do?

You are still dangerous to your marriage unless you look at what happened and stop tryinf to wiggle out of it on a "technicality."

The sure fire way to put this behind you, in part, is for no contact. Can you recover from your non-affair if professional contact still exists? Maybe.

What are you and your husband doing to resolve the marital conditions that allowed you to do this?

How can you say that I had an infedelity if I didn't do anything?

We sit, and we talk. That's all we ever do. Sure, there's also a certain level of flirting -- but nothing ever got breached.

As for my recovery ability.. at this point, I'm uncertain. I know that spending so much time talking to him might have accrued "Love Bank" deposits. However, he's not the type of person I could ever fall in love with, so I know I don't have to worry about that. My only real problem is the fact that this man makes me feel beautiful, attractive, even. I know my husband loves me, and he's a wonderful man, but the physical attraction just isn't there anymore -- I've let myself go, and hard as I try, I cannot seem to make myself physically beautiful to him again... leaving me vulnerable to anyone with odd enough tastes in women to actually find me attractive..

I really don't want to leave my job...
but I am really starting to think I may have to.
But if I do, then I lose my "lover" in both the regard that I enjoy the flirting, but I also lose the best friend I've ever had. He's the only person that truly understands me, it's like he can read my mind -- I'm serious, it's really bizarre. I don't have to explain myself, he explains me to me, and then I'm just dumbfounded that he could find the words to explain things I've never been able to put into words.

So in some ways, I need him in my life in order to be happy, I know this.

But in others, I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to be able to stave off any physical infidelity in the future. I've done it now -- but what about later ?

Furthermore, will moving from him really solve the problem? If this truly stems from a problem in my marital relationship, maybe there's something more signifigant that needs to be worked on in order to remove the temptation altogether.. I've read through the book "His Needs, Her Needs".. and while I was reading it, it made sense.. and I tried to get my husband to read it to discuss some of the concepts presented, and he started to, but then lost interest and found other things to do..

We are very tight financially, I can't afford a marriage counselor.. but I love my husband, I do not want to leave him.

FYI.. I am young, very young.. under 25.. got married at 21 (my husband was 20 at the time).. and I kind of rushed into the marriage thing. I don't regret marrying him in the slightest -- I just regret that I didn't learn more about what marriage was all about beforehand, so I'd know the types of problems we'd encounter...

Azurely - did your H know what you were doing?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Azurely:
<strong>We had it all planned, the secrecy, the meetings, everything.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If not, you betrayed his trust. You most Azurely did.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>He's the only person that truly understands me, it's like he can read my mind -- I'm serious, it's really bizarre. I don't have to explain myself, he explains me to me, and then I'm just dumbfounded that he could find the words to explain things I've never been able to put into words. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This describes an emotional affair to a T. You most Azurely are having one. You are the architype.

If you think you want to salvage your marriage, you have little choice but to exorcise this influence from your life. You cannot have both.

Be smart - tell your H that an old fart with t-shirts older than both of you advises you to take stock of your marriage right now and decide if you want it or not. Do this first and if you decide you don't want it, get a divorce and THEN continue with Mr. Dreamboat.

WAT

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 12:53 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

i know you are trying to say to yourself that you didnt have an infidelity.

but what you have/had is an emotional affair. period. it sounds as though you are still involved on some level.

i think the sooner you realize and accept that, and admit it to your h, the better chance you have to reconnect deeply with your h. nothing good comes of telling yourself this lie that nothing happened.

i agree with no contact. i think this is a discussion you need to have with your husband rather than with us. ask him what he wants, ask him what actions you can do to restore trust and respect.

you are putting your own wants and needs above his when you say "I really like my job, I've never had a job I felt this good about, and a lot of what makes me like this job is the friends I have -- both the "lover" in question, as well as others." even in your own mind you still have some pull towards your OM. this in my opinion is playing with fire.

i will add that i am a BS, so you may disregard my post if you like. but if i were your husband, i would appreciate more honesty, more knowledge of the depth to which you have betrayed me, (you seem to be saying that this is nothing which invalidates his feelings on the matter), and i would certainly want you to be asking and doing things for me to get the marriage back on track.

he might also want to visit this site and learn about meeting en's, poja, etc etc...he may also need a place to vent and find answers.

take care

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Azurely:
... Furthermore, will moving from him really solve the problem? ...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No. It's only a part of the solution. But it's critical to your marital recovery.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Azurely:
If this truly stems from a problem in my marital relationship, maybe there's something more signifigant that needs to be worked on in order to remove the temptation altogether. ... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not maybe. Definately. This is another part of the solution.

worthatry, or WAT as he's known here, gives great advice. He's blunt, but it's during times like these that bluntness is needed. Read everything at the MB site ... all the articles, letters, concepts ... every page. And come here to clarify your questions. You will quickly learn how what you've done IS an infidelity. In fact, most betrayed spouses will tell you that it's the emotional component of their spouse's affair that hurts them the most ... and the physical component is pretty gosh darned painful.

That you've come here is good. All of us should be so lucky to have a WS come here before we did.

If I might say, the relationship you have with this "friend" is very similar to what my H had with his OW. Lots of flirting/ sex talk, lots of playing - just good ol' fun - "just like brother and sister" until one day - oops, now comes the time when your "friend" pushes for more (kissing/petting/sex/leaving spouse - whatever). After this great build up of invested time in this OP, how can you NOT give serious thoughts to their desires. What do you do? You want to keep your fun, but they want more, hmm. And all the while, your spouse is sitting at home wondering why you never want to flirt/talk/have fun with them. Why you seem so distracted, why you don't feel the need to be around them, why you are so satisfied with a stale marriage. Well the answer to all of that is because you are involved with another man. PERIOD.

Let me ask some personal questions that you don't have to answer for me, just answer them honestly to yourself:

If you were on a deserted island, with only one person, would you rather it be your H, or this 'buddy'?

When you fantasize, whose face do you see?

Are you in a bigger hurry to get to work, or to come home for the day?

When you have some exciting news to spread, who do you want to tell FIRST?

When making love to your H, is it really your H you are making love to? Or is it this friend? Even if it's Robert Redford, you have a problem you need to address.

Do you put more effort into making yourself attractive for work since you developed this friendship than before?

You'll find that here at marriagebuilders, many posters advocate NO opposite sex friends. No exceptions. And yes, you are setting yourself up for a repeat performance. Anyone who goes to the trouble of setting up the times to "consumate" the affair might as well have consummated it. Next time, and yes that's where you are headed, the temptation to consumate will even be greater, your "friend" will already be prepared for your resistance and will probably have some smooth talking in line to change your mind.

You are playing with fire, and you, your H and your marriage are what is going to get burned.

Azurely,

I wish I could say something to MAKE you see the destructive path you're on, but I can't . You have to see it for yourself.

I married young, too, and always rather 'enjoyed' the attention I got from males, as I hadn't dated much, only had a small succession of boyfriends.
(only had been intimate with my now exH,before my A)

I wasn't tempted to ever have an A at your age, even though my SN's were always higher than my spouse's.

It happened at mid-life, age 39. What an idiot I was, to think that OM was so wonderful, and that we were soulmates. GAG!

Azurely, you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He's the only person that truly understands me, it's like he can read my mind -- I'm serious, it's really bizarre. I don't have to explain myself, he explains me to me, and then I'm just dumbfounded that he could find the words to explain things I've never been able to put into words </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is how I felt, before the A started, and during the first part of the A, before 'real life' set in. I could have written these words, too. In retrospect I now view OP as the kind of person who simply was good at reading me, and knowing what I wanted to hear. (I'm not painting OM as the bad guy, I was at fault, too.)

Of course it was also just the chemistry of the prohibited, and the enticement of doing something knows one shouldn't be doing.

Please seek marital counseling, and work on the love you have with your husband. Perhaps you feel about your hubby as I did mine, that no matter what I did--my husband would forgive me, and love me unconditionally.After all, he had loved me unconditionally for YEARS when I chose to have the A. Guess what, Azurely? He didn't forgive me, not at all.

I'm now divorced, and facing the challenges of being a woman in her forties raising teens alone, and working extremely hard to maintain my financial situation. You know what else? OM is still married...and I know now for a fact he played around like this, EA's, PA"s throughout his marriage. Many 'friendships' with opposite sex. (I've NEVER believed in opposite sex friendships, and I end up having an A-didn't follow my own good sense) Perhaps this man, your co-worker--is the exact same way. Come to think of it, and not trying to be funny here-- it could be my former OM. Not to be blunt, but please don't overestimate who you are, to HIM.

More importantly, DON'T HURT YOUR HUSBAND THIS WAY. It's good you didn't consummate the relationship, but it's still an EA.

I would suggest switching jobs, and getting help to discover why you need such attention from men, to feel 'happy' . You've got a loving husband, and you say you love him too--that should be enough.

Forgive the sharp tone, but I , like WAT--and everyone else here, simply want to see you avoid the pain so many of us have had to endure. Plus I'm old enough to practically be your mom, so my 'mother' tone is coming on here.

Finally, Azurely--do you think the intense 'love affair' I had was worth everything I lost? Not in a million years!!! Do you think yours, with him, would be? All of us affairees think our love/bond with the OP is something cataclysmic, fantastic, and other-worldly. Big deal, it's all just the thrill of the forbidden, perhaps.

Just my thoughts, and please don't be offended by my bluntness. I wish I'd found this place before I messed up my life so royally.

I'd give anything to see my exH look at me, with eyes of love, the way he used to do. DOn't mess that up, in your life. It's extremely painful to endure.

Take care
H_P

Azurely,

You very wise to come here. You will learn a lot more than you think. As someone that is a decade older than that "old Geezer" WAT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , permit me to make some observations.

One, you and your H are still very young, DuH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . It would seem from what you have said that you are a bit ahead of your H on the emotional side of things (he finds His Needs Her Needs a lot less interesting than other things). He isn't clued in yet as to the depth of your desires and feelings for OM. He hasn't been told what he needs to know.

But, Azurely your H will continue to grow and change. He will begin to find the emotional side of life as interesting as the physical. You need to understand many things but one of them is to give your H time to develop.

I will offer you a bit of an example. I will bet that if you and I set down to talk, I could verbalize many of the things you feel much better than you. I could anticipate much of what you are going to feel in certain situations much better than you. I could even tell you what your H is thinking based on what you tell me he does.

Now, I have a question for you. Does that make me worth having an affair with? Of course not. I am too old for one very obvious reason, I am married for another and so are you. But, the reason I can do these things is the same reason you should be carefully listening to what is being said to you. EXPERIENCE! I have seen a lot of things in my life. I have done a few things in my life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You are expecting your H to have the understanding and the experience to express to you things he very likely feels but cannot say. You yourself could not articulate what the OM can. Want to know why people like going to fortune tellers? The fortune teller is "for a short time" focusing on them, completely. It is their business, and they learn very quickly how to pick up clues and repeat them to you. It makes you feel good that someone "understands" you so well.

But, Azurely, it is a hoax. There is something in it for them, your money. Further, they are telling you what you told them by your words, actions, and apperance. There is something in it for your OM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . If he was soo good at this, why isn't he married? Why is he messing with another man's W? He should be able and can easily get another woman to fall for this parlor trick.

Would he stay with you as an H, when you tell him you are interested in another man like your H has? I doubt it.

Azurely, the book you need to read is Surviving an Affair by Harley. In this book you will see why we are telling you the things that we are. You will see aspects of yourself, but you will also see the way to address your issues, the issues of your marriage, and certainly the issues your H has.

I am not being patronizing when I tell you to sit back and reflect a bit. Realize you are young and have a lot to learn, and then give it the time and patience it requires to learn it. Azurely, life is best traveled with your H. Your life with him is just starting and there so many things out there for the both of you to experience, but it requires commitment. That is why they are wedding vows. It is known and has been known for a long time that marriage is not easy. Things will with great rewards are never easy.

You can by the way, redevelop your love for your H, but OM must be out of the picture.

Keep posting, keep asking questions, and keep learning. You will do well.

God Bless,

JL

hmmm...well first...I think it's wonderful that you stopped yourself and not only stopped, but came home and told your spouse! What most of us wouldn't have given to have had a spouse like that!

It's true...we're married...not dead! We will find others who we are attracted to and who find us attractive. It is what we do with this attraction which leads to a more fullfilled marriage or else a betrayal of one.

Yes, sorry, but you did cross a line when you planned to have an affair...but you didn't cross the line to actually began a physical affair.

Most believe that an EA (emotional affair) is as damaging as a PA (physical one) to a marriage. I too fall into this camp of thinking. BUT...if you don't agree, that's fine, we can agree to disagree on this matter. I do think that by coming home and telling your H what almost happened...could very well lead to a much more honest, healthy marriage...if you BOTH continue with being honest about your wants/desires/need and try to meet those needs of the other.

One of the saddest parts of any type of affair or crossing lines with friends is that so often we must lose that friendship. It's just one of many costs of an affair.

As for keeping your job...what does your H want? Can he begin the path to trust while you are still facing this man every workday? Can you and he work on the marriage in a productive manner? Will facing this man each workday keep the feelings alive in your heart? Will your mind continually go back over the path which lead you to almost having a full-fledged affair? Will you fall back into old habits of confiding in him personal information which should best be only between you and H? What/How does this man deal with the ending of the affair/almost affair? Is he still pursuing you? Is he honoring your choice to stay faithful? Is he being honest with you? Sorry...lots of questions.

Most spouses find that they can not heal if their spouse continues to have any type of contact with the OP. The fear it generates will usually keep us right on the beginning path with no forward motion.

Good Luck to you and your H!

Azurely - please accept my apology for being a bit blunt.

I expect you have received the message from us loud and clear.

We are ready to help you and your H with the utmost sincerity. OK, I'll probably lapse into bluntness again - but perhaps you'll need it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ditto whoever said you should be commended for stopping short, irrespective if this is merely symbolic.

You will find no better place to have a "peer group." There is an abundant amount of experience on this forum and you will be treated with respect for as long as you are sincere.

Ready to get to work?

WAT

My H had an emotional affair with a co-worker. He told me the day she propositioned him (5/3/01). He told me that she said "Sleeping with Mark is better because of you." He told me she gave him a birthday present, he told me about her hugs, he told me she would call and it would be rude to hang up on her.... He wasn't going to have an affair!!!!

He told me that she called on 9/11/01 and said, "I need a friend!" He didn't tell me that they went that day to a park and kissed...

Our life is a mess now. RUN RUN RUN RUN. If the affair is only emotional at this point, it is very dangerous even if your husband knows everything now.

I really don't know if we are going to make it. We have four small children. It is sad.

Plain and simple...married people don't have "best friends" of the opposite sex. Run, don't walk, from your emotional affair.

Im a FWS
I can tell you it is cheating what you did. How do I know. I DID THE SAME THING. Cheating is Cheating. You lied, planned, schemed and no matter what you think. IT IS CHEATING.
If you are doing stuff you wouldn't dare do in front of your H. Its cheating. You should break all contact, if not, you will find yourself in trouble before you know it.

Think what you want. Im being hard on you so you don't find yourself in the hell I have been through in the 3 years since my DDay. I never had a PA with the OM but its still cheating.

You are in a dangerous situation. If you truly cared about your marriage, leave your job and get another one. A job is a job, that can be replaced but your H cannot unless you want to settle for the OM which won't last long once the secrecy and fantasy wear off.

Your call. You are treading on dangerous waters. I urge you to really think about this. You were a hair from committing the worst part of the A and you didn't but that doesn't mean you are off the hook. You are still attracted to him, there is something lacking in you and your marriage and if given the right opportunity and no one finding out. YOU WILL SLEEP WITH THE OM. If that happens, well...Just don't let it happen. Listen to what people are saying here. We speak from experience, one that I would not wish on my worst enemy!

And don't be so sure you can't fall in love with him or he with you. NEVER SAY NEVER. You would not believe what can happen once you get into it. You lose yourself and your morals go out the door and you are a totally different person! You will find yourself one day in shock wondering how on earth you ever lost your self respect, dignity, or how you ever slept with him, said those things to him that are only to be said to your H. Trust me on this one. You won't believe what you are capable of when you are knee deep in an affair.

Praying for you
Zoey

PS: you said
We sit, and we talk. That's all we ever do. Sure, there's also a certain level of flirting -- but nothing ever got breached.

This is cheating. Plain and simple. This is not something a married loyal woman does. Sorry

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

Azurely,

You have received some wonderful advice from people here already - both BSs and WSs. I am a FWS, so people like myself, Zoey and Hopeful Person truly understand where you are at. However, I have a question for you:

If your H had a female friend, who he could sit and talk with about anything and everything, who could read his mind, who made him feel so physically attractive because you didn't, who was his very best friend, and who he "needed" in his life to make him feel happy, how would you feel? Would this be acceptable to you, also knowing that this "friend" of your H was actually someone who he had planned to sleep with, even though he didn't go through with it?

I can tell you something, my H has moved out, and can't at the moment find it in his heart to be with me, and he is developing a "friendship" with a woman who he works with. I do not find it acceptable, nor would I find the above scenario acceptable.

Azurely, well done for coming here before you nearly went down the road to ruin, because believe me that's what it is.

Please keep coming here, please seriously consider another job, and know that the people here are life safers who want to help you.

Wishing you well from London

Lisa

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he was soo good at this, why isn't he married? Why is he messing with another man's W? He should be able and can easily get another woman to fall for this parlor trick. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He's not married because he's addicted to women. He's got a pseudo-girlfriend, but he doesn't care to settle down. He's a satanist, what he cares about most in life is his wants, desires, and needs. He doesn't want to pick just one, he wants them all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
And don't be so sure you can't fall in love with him or he with you. NEVER SAY NEVER. You would not believe what can happen once you get into it. You lose yourself and your morals go out the door and you are a totally different person! You will find yourself one day in shock wondering how on earth you ever lost your self respect, dignity, or how you ever slept with him, said those things to him that are only to be said to your H. Trust me on this one. You won't believe what you are capable of when you are knee deep in an affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Allright, I understand how a lot of you people can think this way, but you haven't met him. We are such polar opposites on a deeper personal level, and there are so many things I desire in a mate that he both could not and would not be able to offer me. Our difference of religion is about as black and white as you can get (Christian/Satanist), and he's a selfish little punk, I *know* he wants to sleep with me, that's why I refuse to let myself be alone with him ANYWHERE. If the opportunity is never there, what's the worst that can happen? I know how dangerous he could be, and I've created precautions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If your H had a female friend, who he could sit and talk with about anything and everything, who could read his mind, who made him feel so physically attractive because you didn't, who was his very best friend, and who he "needed" in his life to make him feel happy, how would you feel? Would this be acceptable to you, also knowing that this "friend" of your H was actually someone who he had planned to sleep with, even though he didn't go through with it?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Um. He's got several of those, actually. Most of his closest friends (except one) are female. We are just much better at relating to the opposite sex than our own. I don't like other girls, they're mean, all they do is talk behind each other's backs and gossip and shop all the time.. that's not the kind of friendship I want... and my H is not really the "macho" type.. sports, drinking, chasing women -- that's now who he is. He's into video games, and other fun recreational activities.. it's just who we are. Heck, his best female friend (also his ex-girlfriend) was my maid of honor at our wedding, she's a mutual friend, but much closer to him than she is to me. (he's known her longer, so that's only natural)

I don't really have the money to go out and buy a book.. "His Needs, Her Needs" was a christmas gift. My husband told me he would work full time after we got married so I could work part time and go to school and finish my degree, but he can't find any jobs he likes (got offers -- just doesn't like the jobs), so I have to work full-time and I'm getting a part-time job soon just to cover our bills.. but being able to spare even $5 for something that's not already in my budget is just flat-out impossible. Also, this means we can't afford marital counseling -- which is why I'm here. Sure, message boards aren't the same as talking to someone who's specialized -- but that's the best I got.

Also .. does someone have a list of all the acronyms you guys use? I know some of them cuz they're obvious, but others are more difficult for me to understand..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Azurely:
... If the opportunity is never there, what's the worst that can happen? I know how dangerous he could be, and I've created precautions. ...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And you nearly ignored those precautions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Azurely:
... I don't really have the money to go out and buy a book. ...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Finding ways to NOT address your personal and marital issues will cost you much more in so many ways. Check your local library for books. Shop Amazon.com's used books section (I got two Dr. Phil books for less than $20 including shipping). I know what you're saying about the budget. My wife and I are seperated ... I work two jobs to pay a mortgage I can barely afford. My marriage is important to me, so I find ways to make it all work. As for counseling ... you could begin individual counseling (covered by your insurance hopefully). Your doctor could then "prescribe" marriage counseling, which would then also be covered in many cases.

Trust us. The things you're saying are familiar to us all. Lots of really good Christians have affairs with non-Christians of all persuasions ... ask around. Don't get us wrong. You came here and that's good. But a lot of the folks who have responded to you are, sadly, old pros at this. What they're telling you holds water.

Azurely you have been given great advise by the other posters, especially the FWS(former wayward spouses) who have gone thru hell because of their A's.

IMNSHO(In My Not So Humble Opinion)it seems that you are suffering from low self esteem because you have acknowledged in having let yourself go physically that you beleive that your H is no longer attracted to you physically, that you are so vulnerable to losers like this satanist who just wants to have sex with you as a way of saying to himself that he seduced another man's wife. But guess what, most of us here are hardly 'beautiful people' (physically speaking) either BUT we know that what beauty we do have comes from inside ourselves. We do not want or need (and neither do you) to have people who want to use us for the sole purpose of stroking their egos. Why risk so much for so little? Wouldn't you rather have someone who truly loves you for who you are and not settle for somebody who may tomorrow dump you after he has had his jollies fulfilled? You are a good and decent person and deserve no less than having another good and decent person to share your life with. One good way of improving your self esteem is to exercise and control your food intake. Not only will your health improve but also your outlook on life.

I know that money is tight for you and do not have spendable cash for counseling let alone books, but I would like to suggest that you visit your local library and check out the Harley books or have the library order them for you if they are located at another branch.

The info you want about the Acronyms is near the bottom of the page linked below.

Link to Acronyms
Listener48's links to Abbreviations

Note that there many links on this page ( the one I refered you to) and they may or not work. Last summer many threads were backed up and the paths to them changed, and so some links no longer work.

SS

<small>[ January 01, 2003, 02:19 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Well people, I did it.

No, I didn't quit my job. But I *did* tell OM that I wasn't going to speak to him again, and why. We don't work DIRECTLY with one another, so I may be able to break off communication with him and still do my job. Time will tell. We're all getting new schedules soon, I hope we don't end up on the same team.. cuz if we do, then we'll HAVE to talk.

I know what's wrong in my M. (dude i can so do these acronyms.. it's like speaking in code!).. three of my most important ENs are going unmet.. conversation (because we apparantly have nothing in common to talk about), financial stability (i'm doing all the working, he's doing none -- that's not what we agreed on pre-wedding), and admiration.. he's never proud of me for anything, it seems like he always focuses on what I do WRONG and never on what I do right.. and I know what he says is wrong from his standpoint.. he wants me to sit on my butt and play video games with him.. but I don't like the games he plays. We did the whole "Recreational Activity" char thing.. we had only two 5s and only one 6.. seems what i REALLY like to do, he kind of likes, and vice versa. The only good thing was anything one had a negative number on, the other did too, and whatever one of us had a positive on, the other did too -- just in drastically different denominations. Where I have a 3, he's got a 1, and where he's got a 3, I have a 1. So how do we find recreational time together? Do we do the stuff that's 3 for him since I can at least tolerate it?

I know we need marriage counseling. I know that. But I *DO NOT* have the money for that. I'm not even paying for auto insurance on our cars right now because after all the credit card bills, there's no money left over. So, this message board is the best I can do.. I'll be checking it quite frequently..

I don't regret who I married, although I definately regret getting married so young. Alas, however, I cannot change the past, only move forward, adjust, and build.