Ok, to catch you all up, my W and I are making good headway in our relationship. She has finally started to open up and answer my questions about her A. Some things are a little inconsistent with what I know but I also was documenting these things as they happened with date and times and I have extremely good recall, so I guess I can’t expect her to remember the detail that I can.

Here is my question to the MB. My W’s OM was an old boyfriend that she broke up with on good terms. They are old high school sweethearts and she has said that she always considered him to be one of her “best” friends. She however has not talked to him since our marriage 6 years ago until this fall when she called him and after a few meetings to catch up they entered into a physical affair that lasted about two to three months. It entailed many meetings, and lying to me of course, with his full knowledge and help. He had just recently become separated and my M troubles started at the same time although we had the common communication problem that most have throughout our M.

This man is career military with about 10 years in. I have debated and anguished over turning him in to his commanding officer. To do this would likely end his career under the uniform code of military conduct. I have a close friend with high rank and enough clout, to assure me that the matter will get the proper attention it should. He has also said that now that he knows about the A between this man and my W that the only way he will not hold this guy accountable is if I absolutely tell him not to.

I have spent many hours in contemplative thought trying to extrapolate my true reasons for doing this and I have come down to this. I have a strong moral belief that people have to be held accountable for there actions. If one chooses to do something then they have to be ready to accept the consequences of their actions. This man chose to enter into this affair when he knew the possible ramifications. I myself would never risk my career much less my family knowing the effect an A could have on it.

Now, I truly believe that both my W and this OM felt this was a tremendous case of true, soul mate love and under the circumstances of what they saw as strong marital discord, felt almost justified in following these strong “instincts” but I just can’t let it go like that. Their actions caused an overwhelming amount of damage. He knew she was married with kids, that she was lying to me to be with him and he helped in that deception. If he truly was such a great friend then he would have said NO! This is not right even if my W was the one pushing. He would have said look I will be here but you need to work this out first.

Sooooo…. What do you all think? Is this something he should have to face at this level or am I being “vindictive” in doing this? There are also civil charges to levy against him of I choose, both criminal conversation and alienation of affection. I don’t need or want the money and he has none but both I have an airtight case on.

Just a quick response and hope more will come in later.

Weigh you ability with your concerns for your family and wonder what impact it will have on them. Then wonder if it is worth damaging his life like he scarred yours.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Just knowing that you have the ability to do this should make him scared for the rest of his life.

Many of us here have stuff on the OP that could make them constantly live their life looking over their shoulder. That is sentence enough for me.

Of course the decision is yours. Can you live with the results?

JMHO,
L.

Weeble,

I'm familiar with the UCMJ a bit and, Personally, I would let him suffer the consequences. However at the same time you have to consider if your wife will know it was you that turned him in and what her reactions will be. What is the state of your marriage today? By turning him in this may create a huge LB.

I know both sides of your brain are battling each other on this. I would too. Do what is best for YOUR MARRIAGE regarless of whether or not this guy gets punished. Thats my two cents worth anyway.

W

You can do that if you want too. What will that accomplish? Will it destroy the OM, more than likely, yes it may, and then it might not, depending on this unit/commanding officer and other stuff.

What will it do to his wife and if he has any kids? They are already paying a price Im sure.

What will your wife do? You can do this if you feel you need to and that it will make you feel you got your revenge and got him back for what he did but he is not the only one at fault here, your wife is too.

Im a FWS. The OM I was involved with was in the miltary, officer and just as much at fault for what I did as I was. I was the married one, he was not.

You can do all that stuff, calling his unit, the commander and all but you will feel better for getting back at him, putting him through hell and that is fine BUT.......

Your marriage will still be a mess and an even bigger one Im sure. You still have to deal with your wife that cheated and turning him in is not going to solve your problems. Unless you feel like its just the right thing to do by turning him in then I'd say go ahead and to it. Sometimes people need a big A$$ wake-up call. Perhaps it could save him, his marriage and yours but it could also backfire if your wife is still in deep with this guy.

Do what you think is best. Follow your heart/gut but be prepared for dealing with the concequences which ever way it goes.

I don't feel you are being vindictive if your feelings is that he needs to be accountable for the damage he has done. If it is a moral issue. Make the call. If you are just trying to get back at him, don't do it.

Zoey

Weeble, you can choose to do whatever you want to do, it's up to you and what you can live with in yourself. But I wanted to ask you this, say you did this and it turned your WS to drop her family and fly by this OP's side because she would maybe feel she was responsible for this happening? How would you feel then, would it have been worth it, and if you feel he needs to know the err of his ways, wouldn't the best way to do this be rebuilding the best marriage you and your WS can make? Showing this man that when there is the strongest of the strong in true intentions to do what is considered admirable that shows the proof of what being a man and husband is all about!

I don't know if that makes sense to you, but to serve in the military is based on respect, loyalty, being proud... Well his relationship did not survive and also he is not representing himself to what his career stands for in principle.

I hope you come to the right conclusions based on an objectiveness to your pain and not from the lack of qualities this man showed. JMHO.
Please take care.

I believe that the advice you are getting not to tell
is wrong. This OM knowingly entered into a conspiracy with your wife to commit adultery. He didn't care whether it scarred or destroyed your marriage. If he attempted to kill you would you keep that secret. You would not want to be responsible for him doing this to someone else. He needs to be held accountable.

<small>[ January 01, 2003, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: tommaz ]</small>

Weeble,

Try to move on.

If I were you I would not do it. I am in a similiar situation in that I am an OW whose MM lives w/ her and has for around 9 months. At a time when we were broke up I met someone else. This man is now his boss. I still have feelings for the OM. OM had a family member murdered in the last week. He reached out in weakness and called me. MM (that lives w/ me) tried to call the chief of security to inform him that his Lt has been calling "his" house and "his" woman.

I find that VERY petty. True he may not should have called. However, I have wavered back and forth on whether I should remain w/ former MM. I have decided if he does tell on OM I will lose all respect for him and will be forced to do what I need to anyway.

Your W is home. Concentrate on that and let the rest go. Good luck. tew

Is there a counselor or someone of authority that you could talk to. There are pros and cons to this. But I would like to think that honesty is the best principle here.

This man, knew your wife was married and had children. He was separated from his wife, so does this give him the audacity to pry into another marriage? NO!!!!! So he knew what he was doing, and did it with vengence, that his marriage was on the brinks, and your wife was a willing partner. This man is accountable for his actions, as well as your wife.

If I were you, I would see counseling and talk to your pastor or whomeever you seek for Gods guidance.

This is really no different than a civil man having an affair with a married woman. So he has a jacket with wings, and authority. Look at the policemen that were caught having an affair, and the outcome. They were dismissed from their jobs, and yes they are labeled now with their consequences. This man is no different, he is a human, and he knew exactly what he was doing, and your wife knew exactly what she was doing.

If I was your wife, there would be admiration (maybe not at first), with the disclosure. He shouldn't be treated any differently, being a military man than a civil man.

Look at the military men who killed their wives, at Fort Bragg. They are being held accountable for their actions. Why should they get less, than someone on the street killing someone else? The law is the law, the morals are all the same. God does not see where he is any different than my husband. They both committed adultery, lies, deceit, and betrayal. All of these people who committed sins, know there are consequences.

If I was you, I would in a loving manner, express to your wife, after counseling, that the matter needs to be brought out, this man should not be let go, to hide his affair, and I am sorry that there are going to be hard feelings. But what he has done is not moral, and I admire you (wife) for listening and talking to me about this. The outcome may come out be quite pleasant.

My husband was so surprised that I found a lowkey detective to search around. I did this cause I was concerned about his safety, and health. And it was done out of my heart, cause I love him.

You are only doing this, cause you love your wife, and care for her safety, and life. I feel this is the only way to have trust and honesty with your wife. She will not feel any better about hiding this, and eventually it will come out sometime. You are not doing this in revenge, this is being done with consideration, and your wife will see that you have mixed feelings about this. But honesty needs to be shown all around, not just bits and pieces.

Weeble,

I will offer you a different perspective. First, you must know I grew up in the military and served in the military. So you have some idea of where I am coming from.

If you read here for long you will see military men posting, who are overseas and who's W is having an affair. This is not news. It has happened for 1000's of years. The US military decided a long time ago, that it was bad for moral to have men's W's running around on them, especially other military men. I think you can understand how it might be bad for moral. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> So these laws were in acted.

Further, it was felt that a good combat outfit needed the members to ba able to trust one another with their lives (and yes wives). Even more importantly honor and honesty were felt to be key, since these men were to be intrusted with weapons capable of killing many people, and yes even weapons of mass destruction.

In short the military doesn't have an need of a man who is of low integrety. As US citizens we have no need of such men either. So I would recommend turning him in. As you you state in another post, he may or may not be thrown out, but there are consequences for doing what he did, and he knew them.

Will this help your marriage? Probably not. Will it end it, only if she is still very emotionally attached to OM. If she is then there are other problems as well. So my advice comes from more the point of a citizen, than from the point of view of saving your marriage. I do hope it is saved, but there are other considerations.

You would turn him in if he stole your car, even if your W gave him the keys to lend it to him.

Some more to think about.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

You have hit on my basic feelings as well as others who have posted but all replies are appreciated and all were taken with an open mind. I think when one knows there are consequences to their actions they have a built in deterrent. We are all on this MB complaining and commiserating about the devastating effect of A’s but what do we do about them? What do we show our kids and society by our inactions and painful acceptance of them?

Why did this man not have the intestinal fortitude and strength of character to avoid such behavior? I don’t consider myself an exceptional person by any means but when similar situations occurred to me in the past I stopped it dead. When I was single, I WAS SINGLE, but I never, not once would touch another man’s wife knowingly. Does that make me a better person than my wife or this OM? NO, I don’t think so. It just means that somewhere I learned that it was wrong, very, very wrong. It was not because I did not have the opportunity, not because I did not have physical needs and attractions, not even because I did not have strong emotional feelings, it was because I knew how wrong that was, period. This man and my W must not have ever really learned these lessons. Not really, or they would not have let it happen. Yes there are a ton of justifications now, but bottom line, wrong is wrong.

This man is Airforce Intel and I assume has the potential to encounter very sensitive material. I am a professional, a physician. I as well am entrusted with very sensitive and personal material. By choosing my profession I choose to uphold a certain moral obligation, not only to my patient’s but to society. If in my day to day activities a higher level of respect is given to me it is due to this reason. My son’s will learn this not only by my teaching but by my example.

Affairs are emotional crimes, perhaps of the worst kind. The perpetrators should be held accountable as such. No one held a gun to his head or my W’s. It was a very conscious choice made by both. They can now choose to regain some of their morality and integrity by standing up to their actions and accepting the consequences or they can make excuses as to why they are the victims. It is their choice and has been from the start, I am just an unwilling participant in their events.