Although it seems like an eternity it has only been about 3 months since d-day. I have always been the “typical” male, never talk about your feelings, if you can’t handle something yourself you must be a “wimp”. So as you can imagine I have not had any experience with counselors.

My question is for those of you who are farther along into this “process” than I am. In order for marriage counseling to work, is a 100% commitment from both spouses required? The reason I ask is because right now I feel like I am the only one trying to save our marriage because I refuse to give up 9 years of a very good relationship (in my opinion, and I think my WW will see that if the fog ever clears) and resign myself to become a part-time father. Our MC said that we have just completed the first stage of counseling, trying to slow things down and bring our emotions under control. To this extent the counseling has worked, I no longer contemplate taking myself out of this world (I am very ashamed of this) and I can function somewhat normally in daily life. At home we are just “living life” there are no R talks, it is just like I am living with my best friend. We still sleep in the same bed but that is as far as it goes. Anyway, our MC said that to take the next step would require a commitment from both of us to at least “try” to salvage our M. Since my W says that she “does not know” if she wants to make that commitment we feasibly cannot continue to progress in MC. I tend to agree because we are at the exact same place, as far as our relationship is concerned, as we were on d-day, the only difference is, the emotions are not as raw (or I have suppressed them, one of the two). There is still contact with the OM and I think she is trying to decide (with the help of IC) between the two of us (just my opinion, she has not said this).

Sorry for the rambling, I guess my real question is, has anyone here been in counseling where there was not a commitment from the WS/BS to even work on the M (or even want to stay in the M)? If so, what path did your counseling take? What were some of the goals that were set? What kind of atmosphere did you counselor try to create between the two of you?

I would really appreciate any responses because I am completely lost here. I feel like a puppet just “waiting” for her to decide who she wants to be with. I cannot even begin to process the A until she is willing to at east talk about what went wrong. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Broken_joe -

I highly recomend doing some one on one counseling if you are open to the idea. Based on this quote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would really appreciate any responses because I am completely lost here. I feel like a puppet just “waiting” for her to decide who she wants to be with. I cannot even begin to process the A until she is willing to at east talk about what went wrong.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel that the counseling might help YOU get more in touch with what YOU are feeling and thinking about the whole thing.

Truthfully, you don't NEED to know HER exact reasons for why things happened. This will only come when she is ready to face her own issues. YOu will continue to stay "STUCK" if you wait for her.

IC can really get you to places that you never could get to on your own. It will allow you an outlet to really FEEL your FEELINGS and discover what YOUR pain is all about.

Joe,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In order for marriage counseling to work, is a 100% commitment from both spouses required?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Depends on your definition of "work". To have a completely satisfying marriage, eventually both partners should be contributing and communicating to the health of the marriage. But marriage counseling for one can be a terrific step towards this goal, and often it can have the effect of bringing the reluctant spouse back into the fold. I would recommend the one person marriage counseling (or coaching), using the right counselor.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry for the rambling, I guess my real question is, has anyone here been in counseling where there was not a commitment from the WS/BS to even work on the M (or even want to stay in the M)? If so, what path did your counseling take? What were some of the goals that were set? What kind of atmosphere did you counselor try to create between the two of you?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was in marriage counseling with Steve Harley (here at MB---I highly recommend him as the best, most effective counselor I [and several others here] have worked with---call 888-639-1639 for an appointment). I started counseling with Steve just a few days after D-day. My wife was completely unwilling to end the affair, and while she had a couple sessions with Steve, she wasn't a willing participant in this. The goal of my counseling was to save my marriage. The path this took was to work on the liabilities that I had brought to the marriage---to help me unlearn bad behaviors (lovebusters) and learn new skills (POJA, meeting EN's) that would make the marriage a better place to be. Because of the nature of phone counseling (and the MB process in general), Steve doesn't really work with both couples in a room (or on the phone) very often. He takes feedback from the one spouse and directs it to the other spouse and works with you on a focused behavioral plan based on that feedback. His goal is to bring back romantic love into the marriage, and he does this by teaching good behaviors and coaching (and acting as an intermediary in the early stages)---eventually, you have the tools to do this yourself.

I found this to be highly effective. It doesn't depend on your spouse's input or their state of mind---although it would be terrific to have them fully participating and on board with the MB principles.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I cannot even begin to process the A until she is willing to at least talk about what went wrong.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't believe this to be true at all. You probably have some ability to look at the history of your marriage (in MB terms) and see what lovebusters you've been responsible for. What needs you may have failed to meet for your wife that the OM is meeting now. There's no doubt that it would be a benefit for your wife to tell you all this, but you should be able to make some educated guesses. Working with Steve would help you do this and start to build a plan that will benefit both you and your marriage. I like this approach much better than going to an IC who may not be pro-marriage---they often take a short-term approach to the problem (the marriage is causing Joe pain, so we need to get him through a divorce) without really doing the work to help you recover. I saw an IC who pulled the same stuff with me (so I fired her), and my sister is currently separated and dating another guy who's divorce is "in the works"---all with the help and approval of her IC. Ugh.

Your best bet would be to call Steve. It doesn't appear as if your current marriage counselor has what it takes to get you through this tough initial period.

Finding counseling in Washignton DC/Northern VA area

Some thoughts from WAT and myself is the above thread. Hope it helps.