Since 2002 was not a good year at all I told myself 2003 is going to be a better year. I haven’t spoken to my wife(WS) in about six weeks now. This is her choice she said she didn’t want to talk in person or on the phone or via email. I guess you can also say this is part of the 180 approach that I am starting. I feel my wife has moved on in her life and I haven’t. She did say several times that she wanted a divorce and I told her I am not going to support her on doing so, that if she wanted it she could go about it. She hasn’t done it because she doesn’t have the money. So what do I do? I have counseled with Steve H. several times and at this point I am tired of shelling out the counseling fee for everything to still remain the same. I am stuck in a rut right now and I am just spinning my tires.
I am not going to act all strong and bold, I still have very strong feelings for my wife. This is the part that I can’t figure out that she has been living on her own since the end of June and she has totally cut me out of her life but I still have strong feelings for her. When does this ever get any easier?…
I haven’t posted in awhile because I have been trying to be strong but I don’t think I am near as strong as I thought or made everyone believe I was.

Dear CG

Firstly, I am sorry that you are feeling like this. When does it get easier is a question that a lot of us here would like the answer to! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think if your WS has withdrawn from you and made it clear that she does not want to communicate with you, there is little you can do to influence or change this. So, what can you do? You can concentrate on yourself. You can focus on you and making yourself stronger, healthier and the best person you can be - whether your WS will benefit from this or not remains to be seen.

I know what you mean about feeling strong - I always thought I was a strong person, but actually realised that because of the choices I made, and the devastation I caused to my H, I was actually a very very weak person. Whilst you are the BS, I still sympathise with how you feel.

Do you think it is worth having one more session with Steve H to get a little bit more guidance before settling on a plan for yourself? If he recommended Plan A, how can this work in relation to your WS if she will not let you contact her? Are you in essence actually in Plan B? Sorry, but I am a little confused here.

Anyway forgive these ramblings, but your note touched a chord with me. Although my BS has moved out, we are still communicating and seeing each other which gives me some hope.

Take care and wishing you well from rainy London.

Lisa

Confused_Guy, I can only speak for what I feel would make it easier for me. That is to have the WS totally accept and validate the pain they've caused. When they make a complete 180 change. And that means communication, putting back into the marriage what they have left out. And given to someone else! That means kindness, consideration, love, attention, respect and caring as much about our feelings as they did the OP. You see, the OW said he gave her the attention that was missing in her marriage. He felt sorry for her, and concern and caring. He tried to give her the attention she was missing, flattery and love or said he loved her. told her that I mean.
If he had given me as much, we'd have had no big problems. Because then i'd have been happier and worked hard at pleasing him. I thought I was, but then I was depressed due to another A. So you see, he just heaped more pain on me who felt I was dying to begin with. She got all the attention I needed. The phone calls, emails, and then trips and physical attention I'd been denied for long time. So, it can only get easier in my opinion,when they start to recognize and give as much to us as they did the OP.
Somehow, I feel we are not looked at as human. That we seem to not feel or hurt or bleed! It's always the other person who has feelings they want to help.
If they won't cooperate in doing this, then we can only move on, make a new life and find some happiness for ourselves. We can't make them do anything. I am fortunate my H has stayed home, and not had contact. If it was back and forth, I'd be out for good. Because I cannot live with indecision.He's either here for me now, or he's not going to stay married to me.
I always recommend trying to save marriages, but there comes a point where it's save ourselves too.
Sometimes they wake up when they see we're not going to stand by forever. But move on making a life for ourselves and finding some happiness. Whether that be in getting involved in outside hobbies, friends, activities and so forth.
Sometimes they want us only after they see us moving on. As long as we allow them to keep us groveling and have their A's too, they will not change.
Perhaps you should just take a step back and stop trying to get her to communicate for now. And act as though you're moving along without her? I'm not sure and a counselor would be very much the one to talk to before making any decisions. God bless, LouLou

I always did think of myself as a strong person when it came to a lot of things in life. Now I feel like such a basket case it is unbelievable. When people (especially women) try to get close to me even as just a friend I tend to push them away. I am very weak as an individual deep down inside. I have a lot of hurt inside that I tend to wear on the outside from time to time.
I don't like how my wife(WS) has just cut me out of her life. I don't know if this is part of the WS concept in the entire out of mind thing. But it sure does hurt me being treated this way. I guess sooner or later I will have to learn to accept and let go because I have no choice any more in anything in her life. I need to make myself stronger but it sure is a slow process. Just when you think you are doing better, boom it hits ya and you fall back down.

Confused Guy,

Time heals. I was the same way like you when it first happened. Everything you wrote about the way you feel is natural. It was killing me that my WW would stay out late or go out 4 hours to the store. But after 1 1/2 years later you realize that there has to be something better out there for you. I tried with my WW to work things out for over a year and nothing. Nothing! We were M for 10 years!

Life is too short. Remember this. I had about a million people tell me this and they are right. What Ladylou wrote rings true. You can't change the person, they need to make the change. At some point you'll go forward and move on.

I just got D from WW. I can't think of dating yet. I have had the chance, but I just can't right now. I'm not ready yet, but that's ok.

Well, that's my 2 cents for today.

Good Luck

Dino

Confused guy -- I sure do not have the answer to your question. I know most of us will never know precisely why the WS decides to have an A (aside from the problems we BS created in our Ms, why do some decide to go the A route?) and we will never know why they chose to cut off contact or treat us like old shoes. It is also unlikely that anyone can answer the when does it get better question.

Yes you still have strong feelings for your WW, but I hope you can look back on the last year and say that things are better for you in some regard. I know that while I still miss my WH and wish very much that I would have the opportunity to restore my M, I do know that not being in contact with him while he refuses to take a look at himself or work on the M or anything else is a good thing. Do you not feel that anything is better? Is it not better to be removed from the daily pain and lack of consideration? Just some questions I ask myself when I feel the way you are feeling now.

Think about how you felt one year ago and what your life was like and now compare it to how you feel today. Maybe your feelings for your WW haven't waned, but I hope you can say that some of the pain, confusion and doubt about yourself has subsided. I hope you can say that you've made improvements to yourself that while it's unfortunate they were prompted by an A, are good changes that you hope to keep for the rest of your life.

I know exactly how you are feeling right now and there are days when I really feel defeated. Thankfully, when I sit and think about the changes from a year ago, I realize I am stronger. I imagine the same is true for you.