Holding Pattern,

Welcome to Marriage Builders!!!

I have always had some unusual advice here online. I typically shoot from the hip and often am a devil's advocate.

By the sound of your posts, while the affair may not be physical at this point, it has begun. The damage has already occurred, and when your wife finds out, more damage will occur. Many have already addressed this so I will not belabor this point.

What I would recommend is that you do some serious soul searching. I do not agree with your comment that you are happily married. Maybe it is that you are comfortably married. Something in your marriage needs serious IMMEDIATE ATTENTION!!! A wandering eye is created by lack of fullfillment or as Marriage Builder's would say lack of filled Emotional Needs (EN), i.e. low love bank. You are missing some EN's that your wife is failing to provide, and maybe even Visa Versa. Typically this comes as a result of failing to comunicate your EN's with your spouse. Eventually, after time, some of us learn to coupe with our missing EN's in fear that we may offend our better halfs.

What you are experiencing now is a hormonal rush of new love (lust). It is often so powerful that it overwhelms rational thought (as you may already be aware). What then occurs is what I call the EN multiplication factor. Whatever tiny bit of needs this other women may fill is multiplied a hundred fold, so much so, that you may begin wondering if your wife could ever make you feel this GREAT. Do not get teased or confused by these feelings. It is VERY important that you stop all contact with this woman to stop the destructive cycle that has just begun.

Take a look at the material in this web site regarding EN's. Take some time to think about what is going on in your life and what has created this. Take control of your actions and thoughts before your feelings take control.

HP,
If you love the wife that you have now and you think there are just some things that you need to work on to have an even better marriage, I can PROMISE you that if you have an A, the wife you love will NEVER BE THERE AGAIN! You will devestate her, break her spirit and reduce her to something that you can NEVER IMAGINE! Then you will need to pray that she has enough strength to pull herself from the depths of hell to even resemble the woman that you fell in love with and that may take YEARS!

Infidelity is the MOST HORRIBLE experience and the MOST TRAMATIZING experience anyone can ever go through. It doesn't only affect the married couple either. It affects children, families, jobs and friends.

I commend you for coming here, but I hope that you are strong enough to keep your marriage vows and honor your wife. Now that you have put it out there, the adversary will be working on you harder and the attraction will be stronger. You were right in saying that you have your work cut out for you.

I can promise you this as well. If you ever want to know how a betrayed spouse feels, come here every day. We are fighting to survive with what dignity and self-respect we can still find.

Good luck and God Bless!

Dear Holding:
I know this goes without saying that you are going to have to broach this subject in a very sensitive manner. Please emphasize to your W OVER and OVER how much she and your M means to you. Start out saying that. End up saying that. Say it a couple of times in the middle of your talk.

She would have every right to feel hurt by this. Please, please, please, show her all these posts so that she knows how GOOD she has it. All of us only can dream about having it this good.

You both are very lucky that nothing was broken or shattered. You definitely have the glue to fix what's wrong with your M.

Good luck and to your W I say, welcome to MB - you have NO IDEA how lucky you are and I hope you never know what I mean.
DB

One more thing -- my H had several good-byes and he told me about them. Each good-bye entangled him more, until it became physical and then he didn't tell me about them. Surviving an Affair says a letter is the way to go -- and don't be concerned about hanging up if she calls.

Holding Pattern-

Here is some cheap marital counselling....

Don't do it!

If you love your wife and value her feelings, don't do it!

Holding pattern......
I am a BS. I can tell you when my H and I married I told him I'd gladly walk thru the fires of hell for him...little did I know I'd truly have to one day <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Being on this side of the fence is honestly the most sorrowful place to be. I see by your posts that you are an intelligent person and that while you love your W, you seem to have stumbled into the beginnings of a thick fog of fantasy (what if she feels like you do...etc). Think of the very WORST pain you have EVER dealt with.........the multiply that by 1000...Thats the resulting pain you'll put your W thru if you proceed down the road your traveling. I implore you to tell your wife about your feelings. Yes it will be hard, probably even embarrassing for you, but let her read some of the posts on this site, and she will be grateful that you gave her the heads up. Best of luck to you and her, and God bless

Holding Pattern in order for you and your wife to have real intimacy, then being open and honest (in an emotionally safe environment) about possible attractions to the opposite sex is a must. Why? because both of you can pre-empt any situations (boys or girls night out to bars, lunches alone with a member of the opposite sex, going out of town on business trips, ridesharing, etc.) that can feed the creation of an affair, and because both of you will be committed to taking an active approach to protect your M from an affair, much like a parent protects her/his child from dangerous situations.

Holding,
Please, please talk to your wife and begin to repair whatever is missing in your marriage before the "fog" of this potential other woman creates misery and pain for everyone involved.

Speaking from experience, until recently I was "just friends" with a married man. We shared so much in common, more than anyone I've ever met. It began innocently with outings to sporting events, concerts, auctions, etc. It was just time spent with a "friend". It goes without saying that I fell in love with him and things eventually went too far. The "friendship" became an ugly web of deceit and shame. Eventually it had to end because of the pain, tears, heartache and stress it was causing.

I can't stress enough how I hope you make the right choice and do not fall into the same situation. Like my former "friend's" wife, your wife does not deserve the suspicion or heartache you unintentionally may cause. I wish you well.

DJ

***UPDATE***

Well, Friday night, I told my W everything -- about my feelings for the other person, about how these feelings seemed stronger than just a crush, and how I needed to tell her this so that we can work on getting through this together. I also emphasized that I love her, and that I am totally committed to our marriage.

It was a tough discussion. It had its ups and downs. At first, she wasn't sure why I was even telling her anything -- especially since "nothing" had happened (I know this is a debatable point on this board, but there was no physical contact, no suggestive communication with the OW, and I had not told the OW about my feelings; so, "nothing happened" in that context). But then she realized that these feelings had developed and really scared me. We spent a lot of time going through what all this meant, and what we needed to do to make our marriage strong.

She said she was going to need time to process this, but we concluded our discussion that night with some renewed understanding of each other.

The following night, we took the EN questionnaire, and it gave us a hard assessment of our marriage. We found that we have the same needs in a lots of areas, but there were others that needed work on both sides.

She felt bad because she thought that the M was fairly strong and that everything was mostly OK, but after my revelation, she's feeling like everything is wrong.

I feel terrible for hurting her, and for making things so difficult. Although I sometimes feel like I should've kept all of this to myself, I think that telling her was the right thing to do, and it will ultimately be a turning point in our marriage, for the better.

I thank everyone for their candid responses and suggestions. I weighed everyone's post very carefully, and did a lot of soul-searching.

Dazedblonde, you were especially helpful. Thanks for the kind words and understanding.

HP,
I applaud you!!!!!!

BRAVO BRAVO for telling her.

She didn't even think there was a problem and didn't think anything bad had occured. Its amazing how little we know about something that can potentially ruin your life. That is in part because of her deep trust for you. Now just imagine how she must feel, maybe a bit sad but so happy that her husband was HONEST enough to come tell her!!! GOOD FOR YOU!!

Show her the board. Talk to her about how an EA (Emotional Affair) is just as deadly as a physical one.

I think this site will help her, she doesn't have to post but direct her to the great articles here.

Im sooooooooooooo proud of you

Don't second guess yourself. You did good

Zoey

Ive had a tough week so I have no advice but then you don't need any. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!!!

Ensure there is NO CONTACT with the OW

<small>[ January 05, 2003, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

Hi HP,

Good progress. I have been reading your post off and on. It is good to see that your words and actions have given encouragement to this board. It is also good to hear that you and your W were able to get benefit out of the EN questionnaire.

Hope this is the beginning of a good communication pattern and an improved M relationship. If so, you are fortunate. Please let your W know that while this may seem shocking and painful..... it could have easily been much worse. Please invite her here so she can see it for herself and possibly even lend a hand.

Keep up the good work. You made my day!

take care,
L.

Wow HP,

Impressive! Seeing how your wife feels with your honesty at this stage of your situation gives you an indication of how she would have felt if you had to tell her about an ACTUAL A!!

What a tremendous gift you have given her. I can't tell you how many times I asked my FWH why he couldn't have told me SOMETHING before he had the actual affair. It would have been a huge wakeup call to me.

You have saved you and your wife tremendous heartache. I'm impressed and appreciate that you shared this with the forum! You have given a gift to us all! Blessings, CSue

Good job. You really acted like a responsible, loving, caring husband.

You have no idea how many of us wish we'd had the
"head's up" you have just given your wife.

I know you found me harsh in my first post to you...but I'm not only a former BS & I've been on the WS side as well as my H's A didn't end...and I served divorce papers and began to date a "good friend".

My marriage has recovered from all of it...but it was more work & heartache than I can describe. Imagine what my being on the MB infidelity forums nearly daily for 4 years means, with 4000+ posts....

Again, I congratulate you on making such a wise, unselfish decision.

This brought (happy) tears to my eyes!!!!!

Dear HP:
I really know how hard that must have been for you but I hope you'll never know how hard it was for the rest of us without the benefit of the gift you gave your wife.

I hope she doesn't take too long to process this. I would hate for her to miss out on a wonderful opportunity to rebuild her marriage. There are too many stories on this board of spouses who wait too long to forgive or forget and miss the boat entirely.

Now, that the hard part is over, the fun part begins. Rebuilding..... can be a gloriuos honeymoon. Some days feel like I'm on a honeymoon all over again (except 35 lbs heavier, 18 years older, and with 2 teens to watch out for!)

If you thought you had a good M, just wait, this new one could knock your socks off!

Good luck and please keep posting. We need success stories!
DB