A friend told me about this website (it's helped him in his situation, tremedously) and although I've had reservations about coming here I have a couple of questions that he said some experienced people may be able to answer.

My wife and I are separated since Feb/02, we have 2 children (5 & 2). W and I have been together a total of 10 yrs. and married for 7. I don't know the abbrev's so forgive me.

It started when we went to FLA. for family vacation...I wanted some alone time as well as family time because the last year has been difficult. I lost my brother to cancer, my grandfather and best friend all within 6 mos. of one another.

One day during vac. I wanted to be alone to enjoy the sun and have a few drinks...when I returned to hotel my wife asked me why I was gone for so long? My breath may have given me away but I became defensive and an argument ensued about how I deserve some personal time and thought that day was as good as any. I'm not a big fan of counseling, so I haven't shared much of the crap I was feeling with anyone but with the friend, who I mentioned earlier, who has been very supportive and has given me great advice!

I have never been a violent or physical person with my wife but the argument got to a point of both of us became physical with each other. She kicked and punched and I threw her down.

When we returned from FLA. she filed a a restraining order and said she was leaving the house. this all took place in March/02...we've been separated since. We've been together off and on as a married couple until August when i suspected she was having an A (got that one).

She admitted to it but htings haven't been the same since and in fact I went for psych help at local hospital (was ther for 3 days). I was extremely depressed!!!

The holidays went pretty well, but her affection and attention is didtant at best.

We've been to marriage counseling and one thing she ahs said is that I'm controlling. I've been working on my control and believe I'm making great gains. NY's eve she said that I haven't change and that I probably never will!

I've been working on changing ME!

How do I get anywhere with my wife? Please ask questions or better provide some suggestions!

thank you

Dear Aces:
I just have a few questions about background. Are you in your house or is she? Who has the kids? Does she work? Is A over?

Oh, BTW (by the way), Welcome to MB. Sorry your're here, but welcome nontheless. I think you will find plenty of help here. I'll check back for your reply.
DB

Hi dazedblonde,

I'm in the house, she has her own home, now.
She said the A was over and for the most part I believe her.

She has the kids and I have custody (every other weekend and 1 night/week). Wife works for hospital and technician.

Any other ifo needed I'm freely offering.

Thanks

Have the two of you discussed with your counselor anger management? Have you dealt with the issues of losing those who were close to you?

Did you discuss with your W the need for some "alone time" before going on this vacation or was your disappearing act a surprise which left her to worry about you?

If you're not a "fan" about counseling...and you're not sharing your feelings, thoughts, etc. with your spouse and the counselor...what can you expect to get out of counseling? You will ONLY get what you put into it.

Trying to change from a person who feels the need to be in control to one who is willing to allow others to control themselves...isn't the easiest challange we face. That feeling of losing control is scary. The first thing we must understand and accept is that we actually have NO control over anything...except our own actions and reactions. Scary...isn't it?

Read what is offered here on site. Take from it what you feel will benefit your situation. There is a LOT of good ideas and options which might help.

As for reaching your W, the first thing is to open up to her. You sound as if you're capable of sharing with your friend how and why you feel as you do, but you're allowing those walls to stand which are between you and your W. Being honest about how you feel and what you think is the first step.

I am definitely in the corner of those who believe that as long as you are married...rather separated or not...you're married and a third party is never an option. However, in this day, many do not view this as I do. How does/did your W view her relationship with this OM? Did she consider it an affair?

Whatever her reasonings...I am encouraged to know that you feel that the affair is over. Now the hard part, getting over the feelings of betrayal.

Discuss these feelings with your counselor and with your W. They are perfectly normal.

What happened NYE which might make your W make the statement that you haven't changed?

Continue working on YOU...then no matter what...you become a better man, a better partner (either to your W or someone else). Remember, not all marriages should survive...but if you've got one which is worth saving...then work very hard to save it.

Good Luck!

"I'm not a big fan of counseling." .... and, why is that?

I think you could use counseling. If your wife says you are controlling .... she is probably correct. Controlling people generally do not go to counseling (where their control is relinquished).

Welcome this new year by opening yourself up to growth and changes. Counseling can be educational and challenging. Be wary of any anger or resentment you feel during counseling ... which could be your ego defense to maintain control when you feel like you're too close to a breakthrough.

Welcome to MB.

We love to see you and your marriage succeed.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I need to clarify a few things. I've been to Counseling and W hasn't. we both went to a communications class together.

We've been together for 10 yrs. and only last year at about his time told me I was controlling in that our assets our in my name. house, cars and such (for ease of management). She has/had her own chekcing account and did what she pleased with her money...kids. personal itmes, etc. That's where the "controlling" comes in...she said I never let her feel part of the marriage.

W said she WILL go to MC with me, but that I have to work on myself first. If we're married shouldn't we work together?

Dear Aces:
Can't advise much on counseling as I and H haven't done it. But I do know a lot of people on here who have IC as well as MC so it is a good thing for them and seems to work. I think sometimes you need to work on yourself before you can work on your marriage. You need to fix the leak in the roof before you begin to repair the damage to the wallpaper.

You obviously have issues - controlling, anger and whatever lead to your wife's A. Yes, it is your problem, too. She chose to have the A but you contributed to the environment. I know I did, too.

Print those questionnaires now. You can at least fill them out for yourself. You will probably begin to realize what ENs of your wife's that you haven't been fufilling.

If your W is willing to work on the M and go to MC if you are willing to get IC then what are you waiting for?

I would gladly go to MC if I could get my H to go (Ok, not GLADLY but willingly). There are many spouses on here, either B or W, whose spouse is unwilling to work with them on M for whatever reason. You seem willing, or else you wouldn't be here. She seems willing. What are you waiting for?

Good luck. Read, post.
DB

P.S. I had a teacher in High School Consumer Economics that made a very clear point that has stuck with me all my life. She said it is hard for women to get good credit because everything is in Husband's name all the time. She stressed to us that we need to have our name on EVERYTHING and even get some things in our name alone to build up good credit. If something were to happen to you and she needed a loan or something would she be able to get it?