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What would your H think if you got yourself a little tattoo? Would he be shocked??? .... hmmmmmm Seems to me ... if there is some wild girl inside of you who would like to come out and play ... here's her chance. Barry M. is fine .... but, if you have been a Barry fan ... and your H is used to you being a Barry fan .... what would H think if he came to your house and you were playing radically different music, for a change? It may be time for you to rock out and be a little unexpected. Get a purple streak put in your hair? Start wearing rhinestone glasses? S o m e t h i n g different. Try a sport that is not your usual choice ... skydiving? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Or, scuba diving <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .... or boxing!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Change yourself around a little .... sometimes making outside changes first makes us freerer to make those all important inside changes. Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
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HUGS T...
Which plan are you going for? Detachment or Plan A? You keep saying you're in Plan A....but talk about trying to detach etc. THEY ARE NOT THE SAME!
So if its Plan A, here's what you do. Let him come to your house, make it warm, friendly, nice, fun! Ask him to help decorate, make changes. Do fun things as a family! Make every minute WONDERFUL -- what needs can you fill while he's there? Have a smile on your face and make it FUN for him to be there. If he acts poopy LAUGH AT HIM. No matter what he does, don't let him get you down!
Plan A?? GO TO HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY. These are all joint friends? Call and ask them what the plans are -- get him a funny gift, dress to kill, and go have a GREAT TIME with him and all your friends. Flirt with him! What could be more "civil" than that?????
Come on T -- we're Plan A'ing right?? Get into the spirit of it!! Plan A your heart out.
(But just to give you fair warning -- I'm only supporting this Plan A idea until March. Then it will have been 2 years since D-day, and thats too long sweetie.)
So can you give it 2 EXEMPLARY Plan A months???
And I mean GO ALL OUT. Then pull the plug on him....lol.
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T- I think you have to start to detach from him like it sounds that you are.. so that he can't hurt you like he has.
My counselor last week alone - I am going alone now and in joint session with my h now... anyone the single session - I got this. I am so vulnerable to him still and that is why I get so hurt.
It is normal in a healthy marriage to be vulnerable intimately, but when someone hurts you over and over.. you have to build walls and boundaries. I am so excited I am in a new adult study class at church where we are going through Townend's Boundary course. I am sooo happy about this.
Anyway, I am learning I have to decide that he cannot hurt me like he has. I am too vulnerable and I can still love him, but detach.
It is hard, but I can do it.
You are doing that, and it is wonderful. When it is safe you can let your gaurd down, take care of you for now and D.
I really really think the more you take care of you and detach the sooner he is coming home. Of course I am no genie with a crystal ball.. but from all you have said, He wants to come home.
Just make it safe.
Another tidbit of advice I got in counsleing. FOR NOW... expect nothing from your ws. Truly treat him as you would a guy you just met. That way it is OK that he lives apart from you, he owes you nothing, and you are still kind, see? YOu don't have to get mad about what he doesn't do... except for keeping him in line about child support... and stuff like that, but try to do that in a business like way seperate from any personal or emotional talks you have with him.
Be his friend, try to be his best friend, treat him kind and loving when you do....
You can make it through this with a better marriage. Let go of holding on so tight, and don't be so hurt... as I know it is hard to let go of the pain, but maybe you are in your detachment.
I truly think if you show him the sweetness you would a new man in your life, that is what he is looking for... the kind of relationship with no lb's... the kind of realtionship where he gets nervous to see you, etc.
Do look good when he is going to be around, etc.
I am so glad you are getting to detachment, Expressive LOVE can return when it is safe.
I am sorry I am going to have to go get ready for alanon. I go on sat. am's. Write more and let us know how you are. We miss you, T.
Hugs, H
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HONEYThis is going to be your year of recovery .... personal recovery, I am thrilled for you. Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
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T --
How was your weekend?
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Terrified,
I didn't know. I felt so pressured that I couldn't figure it out. I just knew that things weren't working and I felt that all attempts to fix it were leading nowhere.
Looking back on it, I realize now that I just needed space. I wasn't the type of person that could be by themselves so I sought someone else to fix me. I TRULY had to step away to figure it out.
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T,
Thank you so much for posting, you have helped me so much and don't even realize it. You see, I know you, not you personally but I know what you are going thru because I have been there myself. And I am changing inch by inch, day by day. I have a long way to go, but see how far that I have come when I read posts like this. If I can change, you can too. (step by step) Cuz, if you don't change you will keep getting the same results that aren't making you happy.
BR - asked what plan you are in then lexxxy asked you to clarify were you in plan A or detatchment? (Here was an ah hah for me - I am in plan detatchemt- thank you Lexxy) ark then suggested that you change one 1 thing this month.
My suggestion is to change your MB name. I posted this a long time ago as well. We
begin to believe that which we see/hear all the time. My orginal name was NOT will get thru this. It was changed after I realized what I was just suggesting. I wanted to "feel" confidence when I looked at my posts, even tho I may not have felt that way at first. Your MB name could be was terrified now confident and courageous or something like that. After a while, you could drop the terrified part.
Another suggestion is to write down who you really want to be, I mean really. Think about it, not who you think you can be. Write it on a piece of paper and read it everyday, write it out too, keep it with you and refer to it often. You will become that person. It may take a long time, but it works. You begin to instinctively know what to do.
D.
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t,
Another suggestion is to go to alanon. Just about everyone has a friend or family who is affected by alcohol. BR suggested that I go and I will be eternally grateful to her, and that I found a wonderful group that is helping me to grow.
D.
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My thanks to everyone. Hello. I made it through what I classify to be another horrific weekend. I said to my H at one point, "This is all SO unnatural. Every move you make is calculated!!!" I ask myself, "If it was so right, wouldn't it feel natural for him too???" Everyone is just so SAD.
I want to be happy okay ARK? How in the world can I reclaim happiness? At least a little?
One of my best friends planned a surprise b-day trip to Savannah, Georgia for my 40th birthday, just her and I. Well, she has three children AND a husband. She has no problem. Me? I arranged and rearranged for my 3-year old. My H disagrees with my ideas and says I'm stubborn, always been my problem, blah, blah, blah...
I had decided that my mother would come and stay with me on Thursday evening (I leave Friday morning very early). She could either stay with D during the day or have H drive her to school. My mother offered to sleep over on Friday night too because H has hockey and D has ballet Saturday mornings. Then Saturday/Sunday, H could decide what to do. Kids need HOME. Well, H blows his stack. I don't react. D should stay at his mother's Thursday night so she can go to day care. His father can drive D, he rants...why is everything a battle??? Well, he storms out. He calls his mother. His mother calls me. As if I'm wrong. I told her that her son has a problem. If he wants to speak rationally, I can do it. Also, why is she gettin involved anyway??? I asked her that.
I told her that if her son leaves his family, goes to Yugoslavia secretly on three days' notice with no number, then he must trust me enough with D to make the right decisions for her. My MIL started crying. My FIL told her to hang up. Of course, I look like the bad guy because I've stood my ground. I then call H because I think he should have left his mother out of it. Thankfully, my D was sleeping.
Told him that if he didn't like my decisions, get a judge to tell me different. Threatened that one day, "you'll be away from D and you won't like it". Bit my tongue. Told him that his cruelty is inhuman. Never once, have I thrown it back at him. But I lost it.
This morning, MIL calls at 6:25 a.m. She warns me about some driving conditions. Then breaks down crying and tells me she loves and will always consider me special. I broke down. Hung up.
How come this is so DIFFICULT? When does the good part start?
Okay, I'm going to answer in more detail later tonight. Have to run off the train but Honey, I have to agree with Pepper! You sound amazing!
Love to all of you.
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Firtst off happy happy happy birthday to your husband!! I understand he just turned TWO this past weekend!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Really though Happy Happy birthday to YOU!!! It sounds to me like you did GREAT...and I don't think there is anything you should have changed... Sometimes the fear of LBing gets us so enmeshed in thinking and plotting every thing we say....that the fear paralyizes us from even normal type of interactions or stops us from setting simple boundaries and limits... You did exactly what anyone in your situation would have done...and do NOT doubt that or second guess that for one second.... It is natural for you to seek first out your own family for assistance... And that MIL called this morning telling you how much she cares for you...I bet dollars to donuts the two year old man/son...gives her a rough time as well.... "Moooommmmy Terri wants to go away...and she won't let me control her every move, thought and action...and did I ever tell you how good she is at damaging oven doors...booo hooo booo hooo!!??" Sounds like once MIL sits back and has time to process things she 'gets it"...would be nice if she could see the manipulation from her son and and nip it in the bud when he tries it..not 24 hours later. I would suggest no contact with him today..just be busy at work....and at home....bet he calls a thousand times today... Terrified....your posts are always full of his little cuts and barbs...I am concerned that they impact you much greater than they should...believe nothing he says...infact try defusing some of his slings so that they lesson the impact you place on him... He calls you stubborn HA HA HA HA !!!! Bat your eyes and babble back,... Now dear...lets not start calling eachother names....on the scale of things one could be..I would much rather be 'stubborn" than have someone call me "a cheater"...bat bat bat..so lets not go there.... The other thing you could do in a happy non emotional way...is during each interactions for each name, slander, accusation he slings at you just answer back with what ever number of times it is...he calls you stubborn...just clap your hands and say...oh goodie insult number one...now what were you saying to me dear..... Or you could set a timer each time he walks in and tell him you are keeping track of how many minutes it will take him to have something negative come out of his mouth....and if he reaches some magic number you have picked he will have to LEAVE ... Believe NOTHING from him..insults from him should hold no power over you...so don't you give them any... Savanah sounds warm and gentle and exactly what you need... You are under direct orders to enjoy yourself..even if takes a few mint-juleps to get things started... I don't know terrified...from what I have experienced southerners here have this wonderful reputation of being very polite...might be culture shock at first for you.... Wish I was'nt stuck in this cold northern part of the US...would love to share a mint-anything with you.... ARK
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Terri,
I don't think you did a thing wrong.
He's Mr. Control Freak No Relationship with Reality.
I really don't like how he threatens to take your daughter away. But, in reality, he doesn't even take her to his APARTMENT to have her overnight EVER!
You have this time away. You've CONSIDERATELY arranged the time so it is covered. You've done your part.
But, because your H disagrees, how about setting a meeting for you, H, MIL, your mom all at once, all in one room. Outline the options, reiterate that you'd like to know how the weekend is going to work out for everyone and by the way, here's your contact numbers.
You get peace of mind and your daughter's schedule, your MIL sees you being "civil".
I doubt he would fight with you like a big brat-ish bully in front of 2 other people. Especially his mom? I KNOW he can control himself when he needs to...we all can, unless we're really mentally ill.
And if he does go wacko in front of them, so much the better for them to see what you deal with.
If he doesn't want the meeting...have it without him. I have to believe Mr Control will show up anyway.
You aren't the crazy one, Terri, but it has to be wearing you down.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Terri}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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Hi T, I'm sorry that your H is still being a doodyhead <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I wish I had a magic wand to make it all go away for you. All the others have given you great advice so I won't put my two cents in on that....however <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I used to live in Savannah so a couple of things you have to do while you are there (if you have never been) walk down River Street, eat some pralines (yum!), if Elizabeth on 37th (the restraunt) is still open have dinner there(the burnt sugar ice cream used to be a specialty), Bonaventure Cemetary is gorgeous and creepy and partly the setting for 'Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil', and lastly, Mrs. Wilkes Dining Room has the best southern food. get there early because there is *always* a line. I can't remember anymore at the moment but it is a beautiful city to visit and have a fantastic time. You deserve it! hugs! VL <small>[ January 14, 2003, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: VeteranLurker ]</small>
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What complete nonsense.....now he wants to control your vacation too....lol.
Give him as much input as you got on his!
I'd hate to be his mother -- my heart goes out to your MIL.
I hope you have an awesome trip....and birthday.
I'm anxious to hear what you decided to do about his birthday, and if you've given anymore thought to Plan A, or to truly detach.
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T- It's the CONTROLLER coming out again, run for cover- or don't react!!! My H is also a controller. My Adult Ed. class at church with Townend's book Boundaries is teaching me that. Typcially alcoholics, addicts, people like that.... like to control... maybe the sf or A addict applies? I am compliant typically, until I get pushed into a corner, nice little me, can blow up, and has. I am trying to learn healthy ways of expressing my feelings kindly, gently without going against what I believe in and how I believe all human beings should be treated right or wrong. Compliant's according to Townend are people pleasers, we say YES too often and often get walked on. We do too much for others and leave ourselves last too often, we have to learn how to better take care of ourselves, we are also the codependents of the world... those of us who FEEL BETTER when we do for others and make others happy, then they Love us. Anyway- I do think he is jealous/ upset/ and ranting b/c he does not want you to go away and have a nice time without him. He wants you to sit home waiting for him while he does as he pleases... WELL we all know it is better for you to get out and go to SAVANNAH. I am so glad you have a nice friend to do something for you like that. I would love to GO! My H is from good old GAWGA and we lived in Atlanta for 6 yrs, he is a 5th gen. native and quite charming with that southern way of his...perhaps that is why I wait...? Anyway, hugs to you. Be careful there might be some tempting southerners Terri! You deserve this trip, don't let him upset you. You take care of you. If he becomes worthy again one day, the door is open, right? IF NOT, then NO WAY... no one wants a H like he is acting? Right!? RIght! Thanks to you and Pepper for the compliments. I am feeling more like me lately, thank goodness!@ It is nice to be finding me, after letting that bully of a h of mine squash me into a sad cheated on left behind wife... NO MORE OF THAT... I am woman, HEAR ME ROAR ! Now you go have fun!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Hugs, Honey <small>[ January 14, 2003, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>
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[oops
<small>[ January 14, 2003, 10:29 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>
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