Hi all:
Things went bad today. I'm confused about what to do. My WS stated he wants a separation, that he will feel less animosity towards me about my past faults if we are apart. He would not entertain ANY discussion about the A or the OW, placing blame entirely on me for this situation AND wanting to focus the discussion ONLY on our relationship. He wanted me to be nice and agree to the separation without question.

I ended up getting angry and doing some major LBing. So he has become angry at me whereas he stated he was being a "gentleman" this morning.

He did say that the OW was "merely a diversion" and that she does not mean anything to him, that I was blowing this out of proportion, that he needs time alone to think. The amount of time he wants alone is 6 months to a year.

What is going on? What is my response? He says he wants to leave but he does seem to be hesitant. Do I go to my lawyer and get the "legal separation" that he is requesting?

Its just hard for me to accept that he does not love me anymore and that he is treating me so cruelly. Its like I woke up and found a new husband in my house. Of course, remember all this has transpired since I found him at the motel. Is he wanting it to be OK to be with her without too much "drama"?

So what happens tonight when he comes home? He is angry. Where is my anger? Why do I feel that his actions are justified? Why I am I wavering from anger to sadness? Because my whole world has been turned upside down. I know I have to get a hold of myself so I can take care of my children. By the way, he claims not to want to help take care of them anymore, seeing leaving as a way to punish them. I know this sounds CRAZY! HELP!!!!!

mimi - I'm still trying to help you.

Please see a doc and be evaluated for depression. This is very common for BSs - I had it - and it's a sign of strength to admit you might not be coping well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>Do I go to my lawyer and get the "legal separation" that he is requesting?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No. But allow him to do this.

Who controls the money in your home? Do you have access to it?

Everything he is saying is right out of the WS script, but I think there may be some truth to the "diversion" claim. Of course WE know this, but for him to say this about a girl young enough to be his daughter, perhaps he realizes it, too. If so, what he's saying is that he is EXTREMELY unhappy with the state of your marriage.

I'll hold off on any further advice about Plan A because of your current emotional loading. When you feel up to it, please reply to my questions to you on your other thread about Plan B.

But, for now, try, try, try not to LB any more.

One thing is for sure: you have NO reason to be in a hurry about anything. Time is on your side.

WAT

Thanks WAT.

I am on meds for depression.

What is the WS script which you are referring to that my WS is using?

I hate the idea of him being with her right now. I know he sees her when he is angry with me. I know I can't control that though.

He wants to give me total access to the money; his check is directly deposited. He wants me to write him a check out of that account each month.

What concerns me is his asking for such a long separation? Seems like he's trying to nicely say that he wants out of the marriage.

WAT:
Please see my responses on the other thread.

Thanks.

I'm sorry, mimi. By the "script" I mean he's following the typical WS behavior pattern. They are all so similar that it seems they are all reading from the same "script." (We have to find our humor SOMEWHERE!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) We can predict what they're gonna say.

Tell me if I'm right: He's said, "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you." If he hasn't, he will.

Believe me, I understand your feelings about him being with her. I've been there. How long have you been on meds?

Yes, he's angry with you. This does not mean his anger is totally justified. He HAS to blame you for everything right now because he knows what he's doing is wrong. But because he has a scapegoat - you - he can continue.

But - back to Plan A - his unhappiness with your marriage and family situation is due - in part - to things outside his control, you and the children.

This is where you have some ownership of the problems and what Plan A is all about - finding and fixing your contributions to the bad situation.

And you know what? Sweet young OW is ALSO a victim of this mess. Yep, he's using her and she is very likely too naive to realize it. Unless she wises up, she's gonna get hurt BIG TIME!

Now, you know more about what's going on than they do. I guarantee it.

So, what do you do? Sit back, watch, and don't take any of this personally.

But, more importantly, look critically at yourself in the mirror and make some BIG changes. Evaluate that "respect" thingy of his. Could be some truth in it. If so, TELL HIM!!!!!!!!!! Tell him you haven't done a good job as a wife. Tell him you're gonna make some changes!!!! And demonstrate it!!!

That said, I believe he has some SERIOUS parenting problems. His demands for sacrifice from the children are NOT realistic.

Understand?

This is gonna be a long road. Hunker down.

From the other thread:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>At this point, I don't understand why he feels the need to leave in order to give me a chance. He states that staying with me increases his animosity. What do you think?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Disclaimer: I hope you get other replies. I could be completely wrong.

Staying with you sustains his unhappiness.

One thing is TOTALLY clear: He is finished with the status quo.

But this is good.

You're not happy either, right?

Plan A directs you to acknowledge that your marriage was not good enough. I recommend you tell him right away that you agree that things were not good enough and that you acknowledge that you share in this responsibility.

About his "need" to leave to give you a chance: fog talk.

He's rationalizing his affair. He needs to leave for one reason only - to sustain the "high" that he gets being around "any port in a storm."

This is my assessment and I hope you get lots of other views: You practiced behavior that led him to feel disrespected and unimportant. This was reinforced by (some of) the children. He lost self respect and sought comfort elsewhere. Significant in this is his unreasonable expectations of his relationship with the children. He wants to overly control things. Contributing is disrespect of him from the children.

In short - there's plenty of blame to go around.

Be humble, but not without boundaries. None of you is innocent.

I sincerely hope this helps.

WAT

WAT:
Your post seems right on target. My concern is what can I do immediately that will help. Just sit back? I openly acknowledged to him my major contribution to the family problems by disrespecting him. However, he states that he cannot let go of his animosity about the past.

You're right about the disrespect of the OW. He continues to spontaneously refer to her as "that girl" and of course you recall he said she is a diversion.

He was supposed to leave today but has not shown up yet. Probably will stay out again tonight.

What can you do immediately?

Keep up your introspection.

For another view, see your other post.

Nothing's gonna happen fast here. Be patient.

Some argue that the MB methods are a pacifist approach. A surrender. It's hard to do and humiliating. I argue that the MB methods are an activist approach - you act on you the only thing you can control - yourself.

You see, the premise of Plan A (and MB methods as a whole) is that the BS can do NOTHING directly to separate the affairees. NOTHING! All you can do is eliminate the bad stuff you contributed to the marriage.

So if you can't sepatate them, what can you do immediately? Fix yourself and be patient and let the affair take its course. Perhaps reveal it to the light of day in addition, but this seems a minor consideration in your case unless revealing the secrecy is embarassing to either infidel. Any other proactive measure is an attempt to "force" the WS to see the errors of his/her ways and feel some discomfort. Ever try to force a drunk? They rarely feel anything until they sober up. Sometimes it actually might work, but it's a huge gamble. Why not address the real problems, instead?

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>WAT:
Your post seems right on target. My concern is what can I do immediately that will help. Just sit back? I openly acknowledged to him my major contribution to the family problems by disrespecting him. However, he states that he cannot let go of his animosity about the past.

.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mimi,

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I agree wholeheartedly with everything WAT said! Please calm down, stick to Plan A, and don't love bust. There is not a thing in the world you can do about his "animosity" right now and he does not want you to do anything about it.

What will push him away quicker than anything is talk about the relationship and the affair. So I would avoid anything like that now. Just agree with him! It can only lead to more arguments, which leads to more justifications for the affair.

I think that he wants the seperation so that he can resume the affair without interruption. I have no doubt that the conditions in the marriage set the stage for his affair, but that is not the main reason for the seperation, I don't believe.

Lastly, please know that many on this website knows what you are feeling tonight - you are not alone. It is INDESCRIBABLE pain and despair. We are here for you. Just know that it will not always be like this, and there will come a time when you don't feel like this anymore and instead feel a sense of peace.

Melody Lane,
Help me with this bit of confusion. You think that I should not discuss the affair. However, what do I say about him wanting the separation to resume the affair? I LBed and said this and he denied and became angry.

Can I recover from my LBing today? Insisting on talking about the A when he did not want to?

Another question:
Do you think he is consciously guilty at all and not sharing this with me now? What gets me about his current response is that he seems so cruel and uncaring about my feelings. I saw him at the door of a motel room in his boxers. It seems inconceivable to be he cannot understand how devastating that memory is to me. I have not been able to let it go. Of course, it was only 2 days ago and it will probably get better. I forgot to tell you guys that the OW called me and asked was I the "G--D--- FBI". She sounded so nasty and uncouth. It frightened me that my WS is associating himself with such a person.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>Another question:
Do you think he is consciously guilty at all and not sharing this with me now? What gets me about his current response is that he seems so cruel and uncaring about my feelings.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, typical.

But it's a fair bet that is not intentionally trying to hurt you. He does not understand how hurt you are. All he feels is that this feels good and what he's doing is justified.

WAT

Mimi,

Yes, you can recover. But it does no good to confront him with the fact that you understand WHY he wants the seperation. As long as you keep accusing and love busting, he will continue to defend the indefensible. He is in the throes of an addiction right now and cannot think clearly. He is not going to admit the real reason he wants the seperation so it is only damaging to point this out and argue about it.

I would suggest telling him that you know that you have contributed to many of the problems in the marriage and take full responsibilty for them. Don't try to assign blame to him - it will do no good. Tell him while you don't want him to go, certainly respect his right to do so and won't stand in his way.

I think he does probably feel guilty, but your lovebusters are helping him avoid that guilt because he is so busy defending himself right now.

Mimi, although all of this sounds SO crazy, it really is the best way to restore a marriage if it is to be restored at all. The WORST thing you can do right now is argue with him. Have you printed out the emotional needs questionaire that I referred to the other day? While you probably can't get him to take this now [and its probably not a good idea now either] it might help to read it and try and determine which of his needs has not been fulfilled.

Plan A is about taking care of yourself and turning yourself into the best person you can be so that you can begin to ATTRACT your partner and attempt to fulfull his needs. From the sounds of it, he has a great need for admiration that has not been fulfilled. What do you think?

WAT and MELODY LANE:

You guys have been so helpful to me. I just had a decent conversation with my WS asking me if it is OK for him to come home tonight. Of course, he probably has to have a conversation with her before he comes home.

Before reading your post, I had decided to work on being the best person that I can be and to stop focusing on trying to change him and trying to get him to say and do this and that.

Now, if he does not mention leaving again, how do I again encourage No Contact with the OW since I'm going to go back and try PLAN A?

Also, should I go ahead and SLEEP in my bed tonignt? I bet that will surprise him.

Mimi,
I would just play it by ear tonight and see what he says. If he is still planning on seperating, a no contact letter will be a moot point. I would certainly sleep in your bed tonight.

Melody Lane:
He's home. Hasn't said a word about leaving. I plan to sleep in the bed tonignt. Thanks for your help. Will fill you in tomorrow.

Please see my update on NEED HELP FAST. I probably should have posted it here.

And here's another one. Maybe someone knows how to link these.