Admittedly, I’m not a trusting person. Compounding matters is that my insecurity has been raised by a couple of revelations/events.

1. We began dating after being friends for 5 years. We went straight to serious marriage talk (I want 2 kids, etc.) At the time we began our relationship, she was involved with another guy (who she had only dated for a couple of weeks). She had planned a ski weekend with him and still wanted to go. She said that she would break up with him afterward, and that I should not worry because it was still platonic. I was uncomfortable – we had already embarked on what we both knew would be a serious relationship. But, she had just started going out with him, and described him as essentially a eunuch, so I agreed. Well, 10 years into our marriage, she indicated that she did in fact have sex with him, but that it was before we got together – not on that trip. So, she explicitly lied to me for 10 years (she told me repeatedly that her prior husband was her only lover), and, under the cover of that lie, went on a vacation with a lover while talking marriage to me.

2. I come home from work and find a flavored condom on our bed that I didn’t buy (I’m not really sure what they are even used for). She said it must have fell out of the bag (we keep our stuff in) while getting her vibrator. There had to be 40 condoms in that bag (almost all of a single variety), but one that I don’t recall ever buying (and I am the only one that ever buys them) was the one that fell out by accident? What are the odds on that? She said it must have been a sample, but I think I would have remembered it.

3. One day I checked her underwear and it appeared as though there was a semen stain (white and hard) on it. She said that it was just discharge (is that a common kind of discharge?). Since then, she has worn a pad every day. She says for incontinence, but she did not wear a pad every day before I asked her about the stain, only after.

4. She is overly friendly with guys – will talk to them for an hour or two at a time. She lets guys talk dirty to her. Once I came home from work to find her with a workman in our bedroom wearing nothing but her robe (he was dressed) – says she just took a shower (at 6 pm?). She went out with a friend, her husband, and his single brother (whom she always talks very fondly about), only to end up at the single brother’s house. Says it was just to see his house (?) I overhear her on the phone telling someone “that’s just for us” – what could that be? She also keeps intimacy with me well below that with her former husband.

Hopefully, you guys will say that I’m just paranoid. I want to believe that I am, but I am interested to hear your view.

Also, do you know of any good key-logging software, and voice-activated recorders? If you’ve used a recorder, where did you put it?

Sorry, I don't believe you are paranoid at all.

Addressing your issues:

1) She set a pattern of lying to you from the very first.

2) A more believeable reason for the condom would be, "I wanted to try this with you." But this by itself wouldn't be a red flag...only a flashing yellow.

3) Depending on the time of her cycle, the discharge could be normal. Could also be a yeast infection. Not compatible with incontinence signs though...but I'm not a physician.

4) She is overly friendly with guys – will talk to them for an hour or two at a time.

Red flag

She lets guys talk dirty to her.

Red flag

Once I came home from work to find her with a workman in our bedroom wearing nothing but her robe (he was dressed) – says she just took a shower (at 6 pm?).

RED FLAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She went out with a friend, her husband, and his single brother (whom she always talks very fondly about), only to end up at the single brother’s house. Says it was just to see his house (?) I overhear her on the phone telling someone “that’s just for us” – what could that be?

Inappropriate, suggestive conduct for a married lady.

So, she lies, she parties with other guys, she behaves inappropriately, she's immodest, and altogether....you are not paranoid.

Read everything on this site about affairs. I suggest you get into marital counseling.

Only do this is you want "proof" you're not paranoid.

<small>[ January 03, 2003, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pepperband,

Sorry for being dense, but what exactly do you mean?

Is it that all I lack for evidence is "hard evidence"?

That, in your mind, the soft evidence I already have is sufficiently conclusive?

It is a link to a spy camera site .... if your W is doing these things in your own home, you may consider setting up a "nanny cam".

Pep

<small>[ January 03, 2003, 12:41 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

It sounds to me like you do have a problem and are not just being paranoid. I agree with what the others have said. That being said, you need to take steps to protect yourself and start investigating her activities to see what is really happening. I would gather evidence BEFORE you present it to her.

I used home spy software on my DH's computer for sometime and it was very effective. It records both sides of every chat conversation, every website visited, and every keystroke. If she had a secret email account, you could find it easily. It is also easy to use. I bought it at: ww.iopus.com

A couple of VERY IMPORTANT pieces of advice about using this software:

1. buy the software. It is $40. Otherwise, the trial version will pop up a warning and alert your spouse

2. When you download it, be sure and SAVE IT TO DISK! Don't select "open" when you are downloading it. Otherwise it will install on its own and it will NOT install in the invisible mode. When you install it, select "invisible mode" and select to NOT display the warning banner.

3. After you have installed it, restart the computer to make sure there is no warning box

4. Go to the settings tab under security and under "back and delete file when it reaches XXX kbs," change to 100,000. Otherwise it will delete your files too soon.

5. On dashboard tab select START to begin the recording. Select interactive HTML as your format.

The rest is pretty easy.

We like to tell people here to trust your gut instincts. Yours seem to be telling you that something is awry (I rather enjoy understatement). What you report is just a stepping stone to discovering the truth. As others have said, if you want to know the truth, take steps to have unrefutable evidence before confronting her.