Going home mid-morning.

I hope that doesn't bit me in the butt. Im just very cautious right now. Zach found out I was not home. That didn't go over well. I spoke to him tonight, told him that when he gets home, we need to really talk some things out. I have been working on a list.

He is angry. He feels justified for telling his family, that didn't know with the exception of one brother who is very trustworthy, about what I did. That was a way to punish me of course. Thankfully the people he told didn't look to kindly on him for doing that. They felt it was OUR business. Of course the trouble maker brother loved it. Im very upset that he did that to US. Something no doubt we will have to tackle.

Im not getting "I love you"s anymore. Punishment number too. I said it tonight to him when we ended the call and I got "Uh Huh". That is my Q that I will not be hearing it. Then he blurts out and we need to talk about that too. I said "What".. He said "Saying I love you". "Zoey I don't want you thinking Im going to tell you all the time". Hmmmmm I didn't expect that. Of course he knows that hurts me when he won't resond but that is another form of punishment.

Now he has delayed his return trip by one day. Fine. I ask him to give me a call, we can talk a bit tomorrow as it was late and we were both spent. His response "We'll see". Ok that is punishment number 3. He knows we have a deal. We talk once a day to check in and make sure we are okay. Now I get "We'll see". I went ahead and reminded him we had a deal on the phone calls. He didn't want to hear it (not listening again) and went on to say he was "done talking for the night and going to bed". Another way to make me feel bad, cut me off. That's one of his favorites.

Now, I have taken the advice of a good friend and some people on this board that have traveled this road long before me and Im going home. But I ask you, would you go home to that? When he gets home on Monday, it will be yucky. He will make sure if it. He will walk in the door with an attitude and just be ugly.

Well something new today. He didn't apologize tonight for anything. I guess he feels the way he is acting is the way he has a right to be. I will go home friends but Im not to happy about it. I am banking on GOD, hope, love and my friends here at MB.

Zach is a man, according to his younger brother, that knows he is so fortunate to have someone like me. He knows that I love him so much and care for him like never before. He knows all that I have done in 3 years of rock solid work and changing. Yet, for all that, he behaves like this. Makes no sense to me.

Well just like Zach gave me ONE chance to show him I could change (which I did). Im giving him ONE last chance to make the changes he needs to make but friends, I will not tolerate abuse from him verbally or emotionally and if it gets bad again, the next time I walk out the door, I will not look back.

I had a tiny taste of freedom today. Lunch with two old friends. I felt free, happy and strong. I didn't feel the way I feel at home, happy but always wondering what is around the corner.

In this last week I nearly got killed by someone running a red light, My body is still recovering from that. I have barely slept a few hours a day, I have a terrible chest cold and fever and my voice is gone, and Ive lost 10lbs that I do NOT need to lose. Not good!

I love my H more than anything in the world. I scared only because I don't like him right now. Any advice you can give me as to how to deal with his harshness on the phone, or he punishing ways as in no I love you's now, sarcasim and more. Please let me know.

It hurts alot!

Zoey

Thanks everyone for all the opinions and taking sense into me.

Zoey,
Can't offer a whole lot of wise advise here for you tonight. Just wanted to let you know that I saw your post and have been following your story today. I am up. FWH is snoring away, so I thought I would check the boards once more before I go to sleep.

I wish I could say those incredible things that Twyla and others can say to help, but for now I will say this. PRAY. Just pray about it. Close your eyes and give it to him. Let him tell you what to do. If you give it up to him, he will answer you. I think, deep down you really know what you need and want to do. Let God guide those feelings. We all too often spin our wheels trying to figure these insurmountable problems out for ourselves. But sometimes, on our knees, opening our hearts, only God can whisper the path for you to take.

Hugs to you. You are such a lovely person and have been an inspiration to me and others. It will be OK. It will all pass. Faith is what will get you through now. Love and faith. I hope you sleep tonight and find some peace from all of this. Maybe, for now, that will be enough...
Holly

Thank you Holly, I have indeed been praying so hard. I asked God to put me where I belong. I asked him to help me calm down, and I did. Now I hope what Im about to do is the right thing.

Thanks for your words, Zoey

Dear ZOEY,

HUGS AND PRAYERS. I'M NOT SURE WHY YOU ARE GOING HOME BUT I WISH YOU THE BEST. THREE YEARS IS A LONG TIME TO PAY> DON"T PAY FOR THREE MORE. LIFE IS SHORT<

Zoey,
I hope you believe me when I tell you that this is NOT about your EA 3 years ago. Your H has some deep issues. I told you in your other post that regardless of whether you had the EA or not, there would always be something that he could hold over your head. You just made it easy for him. Like you have done your whole marriage. You have carried the burdens and blamed yourself and tried to pick up the pieces each time something broke.

I was in a M like that for 16 year (yes, I married young). I'm telling you from experience and 3 children who are suffering from me staying so long. It is not worth it!!! His issues will NOT be handled with you in the house. You are his crutch and his emotional punching bag. The only thing that will shake him up is to lose you and that will be your gift to him.

As for the gift to yourself, LOVE yourself enough to see that this is not about YOU! Walk away and regain the confidence that you felt for a few short minutes at lunch with your friends. You will have doubts and people will give you their opinions. Listen to your own heart and pray!

Zoey, if you have resolved to give him ONE last chance, then fine...do that. But give yourself permission to walk away and don't look back when he doesn't change. People don't change, they just make different (hopefully better) choices.

Love to you and you are in my thoughts!

Zoey,
I wish I could offer some terrific advice, but I can offer my support .

I was glad to read you're going home today. You've worked hard at this, for years--another chance is appropriate, I think.

When he doesn't say "I LOVE YOU", and seems cold towards you keep reminding yourself that this is 'his way'. I don't know a lot about you or your story, or him, but perhaps this is how he simply is when it comes to showing emotions. Does he show love to you, by his actions? That says more to me than someone's words.

My prayers are with you, Zoey. I so know how you feel. We can't feel that the rest of our life is defined by this awful thing we did.

H_P

Dear Zoey. I have read many of your posts and would like to say I commend you on your courage to post here and improve yourself and work on your M. I would also like to commend you on your tenacity (sp?) on giving your H one more chance. It seems like he may not deserve it. I am the BS in my M, and though D-Day was only a short while ago, my W and I entered recovery recently. Your H has no business acting this way. Yes, he HAD every right to be angry. I only found out about my W's multiple A's a few months ago, and already I am working on the future not the past. Yes, I still think about her and imagine her with her OM's. Yes there are a million questions my "Taker" wants to ask. But all those stay buried. If I feel there is something that needs to be said, I do it calmly in a non-threatening way. Has your H had counseling? I don't know your whole story, but I wanted you to know that I for one hope you don't leave the board. I would like to see more of your insight.

Zoey

I just wanted to say that whatever decision you make, I wish you well - I know how much you have put into your M, and I hope things work out as you wish them to.

Thinking of you and wishing you well from London.

Lisa

Zoey,
First I was gald to see that it was a "narrow" miss by the guy running the red light...I know how scarey that is...been there done that lol.
Secondly, no advise except to keep your chin up, you're a good person who made a mistake and have been paying for that for three years. In the bargain you have found that you are much stronger than you once thought and have found a new dignity in yourself. Your H probably sees that too and is afraid by it. Go with God's grace, and open your heart to your H...if that doesn't help, walk away with your head held high and let HIM try to win YOU back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Good luck and God Bless!