Is crying a LBuster? My WS is doing a lot of talking about feeling out of love with me and it is hurting my feelings and I am wanting to put the covers over my head and cry. I think he's missing her. Should I tell him that? I am feeling hopeless again although he is at home. What should I do? HELP ME PLEASE!!!!

We all need a good cry. Crying is normal for people hurting inside. I would maybe not cry in front of him. Turn the shower on and cry, go somewhere for time alone and cry. Just don't do it where you appear to be the needy, whiney person that none of us likes to be around. Make sense? You don't want to appear weak and whiney in front of him.

He knows deep down its hurting you but maybe when he starts to say those things, just tell him you need a minute, walk away, go somewhere alone and cry you eyes out.

I tried NEVER to cry in front of my H. Im the WS but my recovery has been more of a situation where H was in control and I had to win him back. I did a 3 year SOLID do over. I have not given him a thing to be suspicious about, and have been consistant, honorable and the best wife/friend I could be and its still hard.

You have to let your feelings out. Just don't find yourself crying and wailing in front of him for attention. Just go somewhere quiet. Maybe even take a walk, put some sunglasses on, breath some fresh air and let the tears flow.

Bring a kleenex in your pocket.

Zoey

Mimi,

Try not to cry around him. This is the exact same thing that ALL WS' in an A say. They ALL say that. Yes, it hurts like hell but it is to be expected - it is part of the process. Just come here and unload on us, ok?

Not ALL WS's say that

I didn't.

I never told my H I was not in love with him. In fact, I tried to tell him how much in love I was with him. He didn't hear me.

So the OM got to hear how IN LOVE and CRAZY I was about my H.

Zoey

I've realized that my WS may be looking for reason to be with the OW today. He seems to really be trying to push my buttons and get me to LB. He is being highly critical of me and the children about how we have contributed to the situation. I have continued to respond in the MB fashion by indicating that I know what I have done to contribute to the bad climate in the marriage and that I am "sorry" for the pain that I have caused him. My son is concerned that I am wimping out and he is wanting to getting involved to stick up for me,stating "what right does he have to do this to you given that he has been in and out of the house for 3 weeks?". I told my son that he still needs to respect his father. Also, my WS is trying to get me to leave the house, stating you need to go get your tires checked, they seem low. He has a pattern of leaving once I leave; that way he does not have to come up with an excuse. I'm trying to hold my ground.

The OW is getting frantic. She just did one of her hangup calls. My WS has gone for a jog.

HELP!!!

mimi - you're doing a good job.

I guarantee that your H and OW need a LOT more help than you do. She's getting desperate? GOOD!!!

Try explaining to your son that he is absolutely right, but that being right is not what's needed now. Your H is temporarily insane, intoxicated, whatever - he will not listen to "right".

You're doing terrifically, although it doesn't feel like it to you. But look at what your H is doing - becoming desperate and not giving OW exactly what she wants - and you can bet she's LB'ing him.

Patience, time, consistency. Time is on your side, remember?

WAT

THANKS! I'm trying to hang in there. My son complied with one of his requests without arguing or showing disrespect. I think he got frustrated by this and went out jogging again.

By the way, I asked him what he NEEDS NOW and he said Peace and Quiet and Peace of Mind. Can I help him with this? I'm trying not to fuss and fignt with him. Is that the answer for Peace and Quiet and Peace of Mind?

Should I worry about sticking around so that he can't get away??

If you have nowhere to go, stay home. Don't get out of the house to make him happy.

He went jogging AGAIN? Does he have a cell phone? Is there a phone booth somewhere close to where he jogs? That is suspicious. Jogging 2 times in a row.

Im sorry you are really down today.

Hang in there
Zoey

He may be going to a phone booth. Cell phone is here.

But I can't do anything about that can I? I can ride around and see if I see him out there somewhere.

She lives pretty closeby but he would be really desperate to jog over her house in broad daylight but MAYBE.

Leave him alone. Regardless that he requests peace and quiet, leave him alone.

But set your boundaries. If OW calls your home, let him know that this is YOUR home too and that her calls are not welcome.

Don't worry about going out. Go about your business. Gone jogging again? Let him go. Assume he's gonna call her or see her. This relieves you of snooping. Sit back and smirk to yourself that he's making a complete fool of himself. You don't have to do a thing now, other than keep up your Plan A improvements. He and OW are gonna do all the rest. Take it to the bank.

WAT

Hi WAT,

So when he comes up with his excuse to leave home today, do I say anything? No, right? He's going to come back home to me. I want to say "I know you're going to see her" but I guess we're so out in the open now he knows that I know that.

Thanks for all your help. I need it. Its great to know you all out there.

It's better not to confront him with your knowledge that he is seeing OW IMHO. Because if you do, and don't throw him out, he gets the idea he can go on doing this. You have to ignore it and focus on your Plan A. You will not ignore it forever, you just need to get your Plan A solid and then eventually you will put your foot down and say no more A.

I suggest that whatever excuse he gives, the safest response is, "I understand."

IF you are absolutely sure he's gonna contact OW when he leaves, you can say, "I know what your intentions are and it hurts us a lot, but I cannot stop you. We cannot make our marriage better while this continues. Remember that I love you."

This response communicates your feelings and does not slam him, but it can be received as an LB anyway.

WAT

Mimi,

I am chuckling here because you can probably see how your WS is desperately trying to pick a fight so he will have an excuse to storm out in a self righteous huff. Unfortunately, you and your son are not giving him the much needed ammunition. I wouldn't leave at all or perhaps ask him if he wants to go with you?

Personally, if I were you and he DOES leave, I would non-chalantly [NO lovebusters!] let him know that I KNEW where he was going. Along the lines of "oh, tell XXXX I said hello." That should shake him up a bit.

I know this is all VERY HARD, but please keep reminding yourself that there is a reason and a purpose behind it all - it is not forever.

oooooooooh, I take back what I said about what to say if he leaves. I like WAT's idea much better.

This is starting to be almost comical! He can't think of any excuse to leave. We won't fight with him regardless of what idiotic fight he tries to start. He says he going to go around the block and "blow the water off of his car" after he rinses it off.

YES!!!! mimi - see?

Exactly!! See the absurdity!!!

Keep this attitude and it'll help!!

WAT

Well, he left. Just before leaving, he asked me how much money is in our bank account and wanted me to write all the bills. That sounds scary! What should I say and do now? He has my son washing the car, thinking I can't leave and follow him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>What should I say and do now?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nothing.

But, I recommend you consider securing all your liquid assets so that he can't drain them. Other than that, allow him to meander on his own.

He's being controlled by the Mothership. Do nothing TO him, yet protect yourself. He's an adolescent. You are the only adult here. Even your son sees through him, right?

Keep doing what you're doing. It's all you can do right now.

WAT

Mimi,

This latest thing makes me think he is getting ready to clean out the bank account. Can you put him off until the morning and then go down and get the money out? Maybe act like you are going through the bills when he comes home, so as not to raise a red flag.

I know it is very hard, but you are doing great and your excellent Plan A will confuse him and get him to thinking. It has already deprived him of an opportunity to huff out to go see the OW. Now he has to deal with the fact that he had NO JUSTIFICATION to go see her if he did. This is where the confusion starts in and he starts thinking about what he is doing wrong instead of how "bad" his family is.