If your'e in plan A with a spouse who is currently seeing someone else is it appropriate for you to casually date someone during this time just for companionship or do you think that would push the other spouse away?

I don't think its a good idea but I hope others can advise you better.

I just don't see where the spouse working on a good plan A is dating someone else because her WS is. Hmmmm..I don't think that is a good idea. I think that will stray you from the real goal and cause things to really fall apart.

Going out with a group of friends is one thing. One on one with the opposite sex. Nope. It doesn't get my vote.

How do you plan to win your spouse back if you are doing exactly what they are doing.

Good Luck
Zoey

Scottina,

It is a VERY BAD IDEA. It almost completely ruins any hope you have of restoring the marriage.

Scott - are you married or not?

<small>[ January 05, 2003, 05:43 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

worthatry.....GOOD POINT!

Scott-

I don't want to be an a-hole but the advise you ahve heard is typical MB advise. Do what you feel is right for you! Not ALL WS's view restoration of their relationship as the advise you have received. Some need a solid plan A, some need a solid plan B, some need a dose of the sh!@# they are dishing out. It sounds ridiculous...sure! It is against MB stuff but lets face it all of our WS are as eduuated as the most certainly "wise" yet divorced vetrans posting on this web site

RH
When I come to this site, I expect MB advice otherwise I would go elswhere.
NS

New-

Married or divorced? Cheated on or Cheated? Are you perfect? Curious?

Hope 4---

Sorry about that...I am just saying "What is goose is good for the gander" in those RARE circumstances. Seriously we would like to think that MB advice is "Gospel" but it alsways isn'y with some WS's...Maybe I am an idoit

Ok... I am the idiot. I meant on my last post.

"What is good for the goose, is good for the gander"

Sorry...You are right I am an idiot!

Scott-

No matter how stupid I seem. Its still up to you on what to do. Yes...our very experienced MB'ers say its NOT in your best interest. Yes probably they are 95% right. But some Ws's need something else than being a doormat in plan A and feeling like you are "cutting them off" in plan b.

Some need to actually see that you are not the person who has "lost it" some need (that 5%) need to see that they are not the only ones that can attract someone else. ---Worthay, I love ya. But sometimes desperate times calls for desperate measures. In those rare (5%) that need a labotomy, and a FOG-ECtomy

Just havin fun...but Am I a little bit right?

Rlyhurtin

I am anything but perfect my WS has told me all of my faults and more. Can't say I disagree with most.
Just wished she would have talked to me about them instead of OM and girlfriends. We are both conflict avoiders and should have discussed our feelings. Did try to talk through many of my faults early in Plan A so that won't have done me any good. I am in strict Plan B and really missing her.

NS

scottina...

dating someone else has nothing to do with the other spouse..it has do what we the individual believes about the vows we took REGARDLESS of anyone elses spin or interpertation of these vows....

rlyhurtin...the true essence of plan A is rising above behavior that lashes back in causing pain on others...just because they have hurt us...

In fact dating others to prove something to a WS...potentially can and does cause pain to that third party that the BS decides to "use"...this person may actually want to develope something with the BS...when they are only being used as a pawn...to get some sort of twisted revenge or wake up call...

Plan A is the plan that teaches us to rise above lashing out...and to realize that we are accountable for our own actions and baggage...regardless of what's being heaped on the plate in front of us...

playing with innocent peoples emotions and hopes in a effort to make some statement...is cruel...

If the goal is "win someone back" at any cost...then it is a shallow victory at best..if a WS spouse returns only because they don't want anyone else to "have" them...it is a shallow victory as well...

Plan A teaches us to think about issues without just lashing out in futile desparation...it is not the "answer" to everything...but it is a plan and an anchor...and holds within it dignity and grace....

ark

Has anyone else noticed that just minor changes in spelling of certain English words can produce a huge change in meaning?

Take the word "casual" for example. If you switch the "s" and the "u", you change casual to causal. Now, "causal dating" versus "casual dating" may be a bit confusing a change in meaning. What's "causal dating", anyway? But take sex, as another example, and the meanings are very different: "causal sex" is much more "serious" than "casual sex"!

Another such change in spelling converts "martial arts" to "marital arts". I'm not very interested in the former, but I'm in the process of exploring the latter!

Sorry for the digression... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm not divorced, I am a MB veteran. I can say from experience that dating (and I was in the divrce process at the time) adds one more person or persons into a messy situation.

If you have any desire to ever reconcile, dating makes that more unlikely and the recovery more difficult because then both spouses have all the issues of being betrayed and being betrayers.

Plus, after dealing with a WS ANYONE can seem nice, the BS is really too vulnerable to make good choices.

Honorable married people don't date.
Plan Aers don't date.
Separated is married.
Divorcing is married.

Rlyhurtin, you aren't even a little bit right and that's from my imperfect self <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 01:01 PM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

rh:

Dag nab! I hadn't read your replies before I posted my "joke" post. Wish I had.

Man, you're way wrong!

Scott,

I'm an MB veteran and I'm also divorced. From my point of view, I don't think dating is a good idea. One, you're still married and wanting to make that marriage work. Two, adding another person just makes things more difficult.

I can honestly understand why you would want to date. Plan A and Plan B are both very difficult to do and can leave you feeling drained and lonely. Myself, I was very vulnerable and could have fallen for any one who tried to sweet talk me. It seemed a bit silly at the time to be alone but now I'm glad I did. It really gave me time to work on myself. I also realized that I hadn't had any time to be just me and not someone's wife.

I'm remarried now and I know for a fact that if I had not waited to date until my divorce was final, I wouldn't be who I am now. I would have more than likely fallen for the same type of person my ex is ( an alcoholic and a drug addict who was physically abusive.) I have a much better husband this time around and I'm a much better wife.

Good luck,
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

married= no other person PERIOD!!!

when does this rule not apply...when you are not married...legally, morally, and ethically...this is not a multiple choice here.

married is married even if one of the spouses does not act like it.

ayslyne