We have been married 18 and a half years and this has been a problem all our married life. But now I am aware that our two boys, 15 and 10, are learning marriage relationship habits from our example and what they are learning is not good. I see this more clearly than my husband because the boys model his attitude toward me when they are displeased with something I have told them.
We come from very different backgrounds. I was raised in a Christian home by parents who gave me confidence. He was brought up in a series of broken homes with multiple stepfathers and live-in males, moves through multiple schools and he learned to cover his insecurities with humor.
My husband "Slim" has ADD, something we did not know until our eldest was diagnosed at age 8. One of the elements of ADD - with which I was already familiar - is outbursts of irrational anger. "Slim" is on medication which helps his ADD, but these angry outbursts are habits that have been developed for more than 50 years. I do not respond in kind to his outbursts because I was not raised that way, but I know that my thoughts are easily read on my face.. no matter how hard I try to hide them.
Tonight "Slim" came home from the movie rental with the 15 year old with two movies I never would have rented. One is rated R, mostly for violence I think, the other PG-13. When he told me what he got I quietly said "Evan can't watch.." and he absolutely blew up. "Don't look at me that way! It is disrespectful and I have told you and told you not to do it!" All this played out in front of our boys. The youngest was in tears.
I decided I had to stand up and make him see what he is modeling to his sons, and I quietly said, "Don't treat me this way if you don't want the boys treating me this way." I did not yell or raise my voice, but he continued to rant and rave over the 'look' on my face.
Until he exchanges his head for a mirror I will NEVER know how I look 'the look' he dispises. I am afraid to look him in the eye for fear of offending him. "Don't give me that deer in the headlight look, I hate that" he says.
Five minutes later he told me he was sorry for blowing up, but he is ugly to me in front of the boys and apologises in private.
I know that I will never be a poker player. What I think is too often easy to read on my face, try though I may to hide it. Most people know without a doubt where they stand with me, and to me that is a far more admirable quality than subterfuge.
Am I wrong? What can I do to change something I cannot see or recognise before he does? Will I pay all our married life for the insecurities he has dragged with him from childhood? More importantly, will our children pay for it when they marry?
Divorce is hateful to God. I am willing to do anything to save my marriage. But this is not the kind of marriage I want to save. How can I change it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by karo:
<strong>Divorce is hateful to God. I am willing to do anything to save my marriage. But this is not the kind of marriage I want to save. How can I change it?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Start by holding that mirror to yourself.

What are your contributions to this poor marital environment?

Other than the ADD, you could be describing just about any frustrated spouse alive.

I was guilty of angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements. Why? I blamed my wife's indifference to me and my feelings that no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough for her. Of course, her excuse for the indifference was my angry outbursts.

The chicken/egg death spiral.

I'm not saying that you are to blame for your problems - just don't assume you have no contributions to your situation.

You're on the Infidelity portion of the MB forum. Hopefully you don't need to be here. But there is lots of good information on this site and other portions of the forum more suited to your needs that can help you make sure you don't need to be here in the future.

<small>[ January 06, 2003, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

karo,

I have that look, my wife used to say she wanted to just slap me when i got that look!!!

for me though it was when my fear was boiling to the surface and i was fighting back tears or some equally powerful emotion.

what do you call it when someone is saying or acting in one way and truely feels another???

Betrayal? Lying??

WAT is on target here, you are betraying your H by not being true to yourself and your feelings. he hears your words and sees your face as in conflict how can he trust what you say when it is so obviously different in tone or content to how you clearly feel?