***HELP***

My WW who was not "in love" with me, had affair etc...Over the past 3 years (Been seperated for 6 months) Is talking reconsiliation? I want to come across accepting of it yet still maintain some "aloofness"--in other words I don't want to do backflips for her. She is undoubtedly feeling some financial pressure as our "legal seperation" (Not full blown D) is starting to make her feel nervous. I for sure don't want to go back if its
about money, I for sure don't want to go back to her being "open season" to any man that pays attention and I for sure don't want the marriage I had where 4 out of 5 of MY EN's were not met.

Is there a way I can (with out selfish demands) make her quit her "double life" one for OM or Other Men (plural) a sort of a litmus test on whether she is being sincere? I want to proceed with EXTREME CAUTION and I don't want to go back too soon or it will never last. Is there a way to cement this?

I don't want to be played the fool ---again!

rh:

What have you got to lose by being completely open and honest with your W about what your boundaries are? Tell her what you just told us.

If you love her and want her back, by no means just take her back without these boundaries clearly understood. Start with counseling, for example, and don't agree to have her move back home until/unless she's willing to assure you that there are and will be no more OM in her life.

Take care,

Just want to say thanks for all the advise on my what I thought was an important post.

I realize my problema may not be as big as yours but it would have been nice to see more than one post a reply, I know I am not as intereseting but with all of the wisdom on this website I thought I would gleen something from it

Good Night

No offense guy, but posting a "thanks for nothin" post when you didn't get the attention you wanted isn't really a good show of growth. What are you going to do when you encounter conflict or a situation that isn't what you wanted with your WW if you two do try reconciliation? If you'll look around the boards are FULL of people in just as much pain and confusion as yourself. You want more attention and more answers...try asking politely for more help and/or post again with a second request for help.

Rlyhurtin
Obviously you will need to feel safe before you can reconcile. She must break contact with any OM. Has she discussed a NC letter with you, as part of this process?
As for her wanting to come back to you for money then this may be one of her EN's, but as my WS said to me "I might find a millionaire", so you are not the only one who can fulfill that EN.
I agree with T-zero you should be able to discuss your EN's with your WW, in fact you will both need to discuss each other's EN's. A POJA will also be beneficial to both of you. She will need to earn your trust again and that will take time. Seek counselling for you both.

It is good to hear your positive news it gives us all hope. I pray all goes well.
NS

Hope 4 Future...

Again...Thanks for nothin! Nothing to do with maturity, everything to do with the mundane infedelities or the "spicy ones"

Actually I do undersatnd you but...

RH,

Hm..... you got me thinkin'...... you don't want to be made a fool of and I don't blame you but how you reacted on this thread any indication of how you react with your W?

Not meant to flame but meant to make you think. To each of us our own story is the most important. I didn't always get a response to my posts either. Don't feel alone in this. Persistence does pay off.

Woe is me is bad for our personal healing. Yet, I do understand you may be feeling a bit hurt. So what to do?

Well have you set your personal boundaries? You say that you know what your top 5 ENs are? Good. How do your personal boundaries work those needs in?

Now how to test your W? When my WS asked to come home at first it was with open arms. After 4 false recoveries, those arms got a might bit shorter and I was more cautious. The bar went up higher each time.

Are you prepared for a setback? You should be. One of the requirements for my WS to come home was to put the onis (responsiblity) on him to make us feel safe and secure.

Safe for me was NOT having the OW in my life and he needed to prove that to me. You know what? He has been back for 1 1/2 years but he is still having to prove it to me (truer recovery started only 3 months ago).

Do you have the patience for that?

Please pray for a calm heart and a clear mind.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid-

Thank you very much. You are absolutely right! I have seen many of your comments on this web-site and you are some of the more "real" posts I have seen.

Thanks Alot

Happy New Year

Rly...there are only so many of us here that are in recovery or recovered that can offer advice and most of us have busy lives. I TOTALLY understand your need to get some answers...what I don't agree with nor appreciate is your attitude when you didn't get what you needed. Listen to what Orchid said...I agree completely. If you act this way with your wife, or ANYONE else in your life, you will NOT get the results you want. You may actually get someone to do what you want, but they won't be happy about it. Have you read Love Busters??? Because if you behave in that manner towards your wife I can assure you you're probly headed towards a false recovery. Change you and you'll change your marriage for the better, guaranteed. Good luck.

Orchid and Hope are right. Persistance and Patience is the name of the game. People are not here to engage in soap operas...at least the serious ones arent. We live soap operas. The people you see getting lots of traffic/responses are people who in the beginning were just like you. They began to develop relationships, read others, responded, and kept posting. So people follow them. People are also busy and our lives just as yours can be draining. You are in turmoil now. People here want to help each other. There are many regulars who try to post all over this board in order to help but this is not their full time job. You are not being isolated for lack of spice...believe me we are sick of spice.

As to your situation it is best to be open and honest. Set your boundaries. When people suggest making changes about your own behavior it is not just to be critical...it is to give you insight into how others may percieve you, how your wife may percieve you. We have come to realize the only person you can control is yourself. The only person you can change is yourself. Ofcourse your wife is wholly responsible for her bad choices. But are you the man you want to be with her or without her? Be powerful about the things over which you have power...the only certainty you can gaurantee yourself is how you will react to life in general.

best wishes

ayslyne

rh:

Please allow me to apologize to H4F on your behalf, okay?

Look, I realize you're hurting, and right now it feels like your problems are bigger than the Gulf and N. Korea combined (I just hope they don't GET combined!), but if you would take a moment and read her sig line, you'll see she potentially has a lot of insight to offer you.

Your post showed up right after the long holidays, and things were still a bit slow here. Heck, I was back at work with lots to do, and I must have spent 3/4 of the day just trying to get the last of my 42 synapses firing so I could think clearly! Too much egg nog and Sees candy over the break!

So, sit back, post some more of your story, and listen as the flood of insightful replies pours in! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

All my best,

All Right, All Right...I am sorry. Just was in a bad mood and needed to vent. Thanks for all of the advise.

I am sorry I was impatient. People do and say the absolutely most childish and stupid things when they are hurting.

My sincere apologies. Truly sorry. I am grateful
for the advise I did receive.

Hope4--I am sorry. Truly! I am an a!@

Just need to get my (you know what) together. Guess better to LB & vent here than at home.

Sorry Guys!

Hey, NObody needs to apologize to me...I wasn't offended personally. I'm just saying that no matter how upset or frantic you are, going about things the wrong way won't help anything. Don't get me wrong...we all screw up and it's no easy matter dealing with emotions and conflict. You're right to vent here...just be VERY careful it doesn't become a habit in your real life. I find the more I practice good habits EVERYWHERE the easier they become. I hope you'll continue to post...believe me, most of us would rather spend time helping others here then paying bills and working...but that's life. Take care.

rly,

Huge warning flag in your original post...

"Is there a way I can (with out selfish demands) make her quit her "double life" one for OM or Other Men (plural) a sort of a litmus test on whether she is being sincere?"

There is nothing on this earth you can do to MAKE anyone do anything....you control only you, your actions, your words....

Realizing this is a big step in recovery and plan A for you...it free's you from expectations that can backfire and hurt you....

Be careful and wary of your own feelings of entitlement that BS often feel of what they expect a WS to feel and do...these feelings though real must not be used to control others...or even become self sabotaging in recovery...

Protect yourself and your emotions not through trying to make her do this or that...but by deciding what boundaries are needed for your own safety and sanctity...and communicating those honestly....

ARK

Originally posted by rlyhurtin:
<strong>....I am sorry I was impatient. People do and say the absolutely most childish and stupid things when they are hurting.</strong>

That happens to the best of us.

<strong>Just need to get my (you know what) together. Guess better to LB & vent here than at home.</strong>

Good. Guess what?!?!? We understand.
Why? Been there done that.

Now, how can we help you?

L.

Rly,
I finally had time today to go over the postings of some of the people I 'follow' here on MB. Thanks for posting on my thread, I really appreciate your help and insight.

It's funny, I've had postings that haven't gotten answered, too here at times. Know that everyone here is willing to help out, but this was a very busy week for many of us. (first one after holidays)

You know, I'm over forty now and this part of my life--the divorce, namely--has caused me to exercise more patience than I ever thought I could have. What I'm saying is, it can't all be fixed too quickly, and maybe not at all, who knows? I thought that as soon as I ended it with OM, talked to exH, came here or went to counseling..that it would be 'all better' right away. What was I thinking? I 'for sure' thought we'd be reconciled by Christmas. Dream on! So, I understand your feelings completely.

I wish I were better versed in MB principles to give you some solid advice on how to handle your wife's present feelings of wanting a reconciliation. Please don't pass it off as simply financial pressure. She could be coming out of the 'fog', a bit.

I asked exH for a chance 2 months after DDay, and that was 21 months ago!! I felt a bit of financial pressure then (at least now I don't have that pressure) but it had nothing to do with me wanting to reconcile. I simply saw that the A was empty, and that I really wanted my family and him back. Perhaps your wife is hitting this rock-bottom realization? I'm sure she sees how empty her affair is, in reality.

Would she be willing to go into counseling with you? If she's sincere in wanting to be with you, won't she agree to this? Also, how is she behaving with the children? Forgive me if I've gotten confused, but don't you have three girls?

As someone mentioned here, you can't make her do anything. But Rly, if she wants reconciliation, she probably is seeing a bit of reality for what it is. Don't shut her out completely.

There's a man here called Redhat and he is a BS. He gives great advice to BS. Redhat once wrote on a post that he doesn't respond to WS, so I--as a former WS--never had a reply from him, but I know he's helped many here and I'm sure he'd offer you advice. JL gives great advice too, although he isn't a BS. Perhaps you could 'call' to them in your posting title, as others do-by starting a new thread with your latest update. Another good BS to ask to help you is Footballwidow, and so many others--Twyla, etc.

Hope this helps you, please be PATIENT and strong !!!

Take care, H_P

Rly,
I'm bumping this up as I don't know if you read what I wrote you , I posted it last weekend to you.

Thinking of you and hoping you are doing okay. I'll read your newer post later on this weekend.

Take care, H_P