Oh my god, how do I do this? Where do I go? I think I'm having a nervous break down and I won't be able to make it!

Please someone tell me this horrible pain will go away!!!!!!

To make a long story short, he had an A and he works with OW (him-police office and her-detective) and we tried to work things out (not really a "try") but things were getting worse. You see I never let it go and I know it's my fault GOD I KEEP DOING SUCH STUPID MISTAKES! But I am pretty sure his back with her (probably 2 days) he's been acting strange and distant (those great signs) and I'm left picking up my stuff to leave, but I feel sick to my stomach and I feel I can't do it. He doesn't know, but wants me to go!

GOD HELP ME, please I don't think I can do this, my family and friends don't know so I have NO ONE to share this with. Can anyone help?

I've made no sense, bacause I can hardly think right now I'm so ashamed of how weak and pathetic I am. I'm scared of being alone, of having no one and I'm scared of the unknown! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Marilyn

Recovering?,

Hang in there. You are not alone. Remember that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">... I'm left picking up my stuff to leave </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why should you leave? I assume you mean leaving your home. Correct me if I am wrong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> my family and friends don't know so I have NO ONE to share this with. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are there negative consequeces in sharing this with them? Would it help you? What about clergy or counseling?

Keep posting here and find someone to talk to whether that is family, friends or a counselor. It's OK to have these feelings, but don't let them get the best of you. Take care.

Recovering-

I'd have the same question as Luki, and that is why can't you tell anyone about this? I can't imagine what it would have been like had I not been able to talk (and talk and talk) with family and friends so please explain...

In the meantime, I'd suggest trying to take care of yourself as well as you can. Don't be too ashamed to ask others for help because it's impossible to get through this on your own. God bless you and good luck!

Recovering?,
I don't know any more about you than this post, but I agree with Luki, if he's resumed the A, let him move out.

This isn't your fault. NO spouse deserves to be cheated on. Divorced? perhaps, but cheated on, no.

Since the OW is a co-worker, your H's affair is in the category of those with continued contact. Continued contact almost always prolongs the affair, and if it ends for a time, it is the most likely to resume.

My H & I are among those very few with the A with a co-worker who have made it to recovery...but it took 7 separations over a period of 21 months...and 2+ years from the time his PA began to recovery. I doubt that's going to cheer you up, except that we HAVE made it. Now 2 1/2+ years in recovery...and he still works with the FOW. But he is strictly professional and when he doesn't have to deal with her directly, he avoids it, assigning other people the task.

Resuming this A is your H's fault. Proving himself remorseful, trustworthy & accountable was his role in a successful recovery effort.

A BS does have to let go of the past, except if the trustworthy accountable behavior isn't there, the issues don't move into the past.

If you aren't in counseling, I strongly urge you to do so, alone if he won't go. Having someone face to face helps develop some of the strength you are going to need.

I certainly understand you being scared. But, your H's actions don't make you pathetic, only YOUR actions make you pathetic, so don't do pathetic things! And, in the same vein, you aren't having the affair, your H is, you don't have anything to be ashamed of, except perhaps your H's bad decisions--but you can't control his actions, so still you haven't anything within you to be ashamed of.

Why are you the one leaving? Cheaters should be the one to leave. I'm not sure how long you've known about this A or how long it's gone on, but I can understand the rage and not being able to let it go. Cut yourself some slack he's the guilty party, not you. I also have not told my family or friends yet, and I'm not sure when I will. Reading this site and posting are really very helpful, so keep writing, venting really is good for the soul.

Oh my gosh "THANK YOU" all so much for caring enough to write and help me through this horrible time.
Our Breif Story:
D-Day occurred August 2002 with a co-worker, I tried Plan A for one month and then decided it was too difficult for me and move out, but continued to the A plan from a distance. I was never very good at this, but after two weeks apart and after lots of talks he decided that he wanted me back so I moved back home. Within a- month she approached him and asked him to go away for a weekend to meet a person from the dept. that could advance his career (this had been planed several months prior to the d-day!)(she mentioned she could help him further his career) and three days after that talk he left with her for the weekend, I was devastated for two nights not knowing, then knowing, who he was with and where he was at. When he returned that evening he got down on his knees and begged for my forgiveness. In almost nine years I never saw this man cry and that night he seemed desperate and so terribly hurt, his tears were never ending. So I decided to give us a new opportunity, but I certainly never let go of the past and his constant in and outs of the fog were a lot more than I could deal with. I turned into a leach (sorry but that's the only species I can think of that just sucks and sucks until hopefully there is nothing left!!!)I couldn't stop myself. I would get angry and there was love busting all over the place and who wants to live with that agony!

Why I'm the one leaving?

I manage a luxury development and have the resources and means to live on-site, in addition I receive 50% off the rent and he has agreed on purchasing me all new furnishings! I think this will be less reminders of our life and him?

NEW PROBLEM:
We spoke last night and he said he knew "he was making a mistake" that he "belonged by my side" but that he couldn't understand what kept pulling him towards being with her, he added "that I'm the woman of his dreams, his perfect mate!"

So I ask, then why is he letting me go? This morning I found a note from him in my car that read "HELP ME!"

What do I do? If I stay I may get hurt again? If I leave I am giving up on a possible future? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Recovering
I just had to reply to your post. I was where you are at. My FWH's A was with a co-worker and still work together. This doesn't help. Letting it go when you are in shock,heartbroken,angry and about a million other feelings is the worse thing anyone can ever go through.
My heart really does go out to you. I am coming up on 1yrDdy and i still have difficulty at times.
Don't be so hard on yourself you can't help how you feel.
The one thing i can say is you H is reaching out to you be there and love him like never before and once he comes around you still want be over it but you will be able to deal with it together.
Keep coming here and reading and posting i have no doubt that this site truely helped save my marriage.
The OW in your H life is pulling her strings. Remember you are way more woman than she is.
Let your H see that woman and focus there..
At first i thought i was going to die from a broken heart but when they say it will get better it will. You must have patience and when it's his turn he will. Best to you I will keep you in my prayers

Recovering,
Plan A is difficult. But so is lovebusting plus being a more negative way of living.

This affair your H is involved in really hasn't ever ended, it's been ongoing in the manner of a roller coaster. He hasn't been without her long enough to go through withdrawal.

If he wants you, if he wants your help, think of it this way...5years down the road which would you rather look back on yourself doing? Walking away and not giving him the chance. Or, talking with him and telling him that your marriage can work if he goes to counseling with you and doesn't see her in any nonprofessional settings?

You might get hurt again. Of course, you might dump him and get hurt by someone/something else.

It's really up to you. A month to 6 weeks of Plan A doesn't seem like much to me. And it seems that you see how negative your lovebusting was. Optimally, Plan A/loving behavior isn't something you "try" and abandon, it evolves into the 4 rules of successful marriage--care, time, protection, policy of joint agreement.

Lovebusters remain negative, reactive, non-productive behavior. Always.

So, walk away with no regrets? Or try again and know you did your best, no matter the outcome?

CarolynG

Thank you for your kind words, I'm at a place I wouldN'T wish on my worst enemy (if I had any?)

She is tugging at his heart without even trying for the past month she has not approached him, but they do see each other, either at court or work!

He seems to be so confused of where he wants to be and who he wants to be with. This is terribly difficult to know the person you love, desires someone else. My God the words alone are breaking my heart!

I'm so terribly lost at this moment! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Recovering
Im sure your H is confused. He knows he has hurt you.
I remember my H telling me he was scared to stay for 3 reasons:
1.That our marriage and me would go back to the way it was.
2. That i would do this do him.
3. That i would always throw it up to him.
I believe he was as scared as i was. and still am at times. The thing you have to decide is how much you love your H. and do you want to be with him? or What your life would be without him?
Like i said it has been a yr and i am just getting my strength back. I am not a bad choice at 42.
I lost all confidence and self esteem. and i kept reading on here do for yourself make yourself better. i knew i needed to do this but just kept dwelling on all my pain.
I finally started some college classes. after being out of school 23yrs.
Wow how right they were. Do some things that make you feel better. It will help calm you down and once you do that you can focus on what you really want and how to go about getting it.
I know none of this really helps your pain or confusion right now. But trust that i will all work out.
The thing that was holding me back from completely letting my H back in was the fear of being hurt again.
I may be wrong but i believe that you can only feel that kind of pain once in a life time.
Follow your heart. Im no expert but i am finding it easier if i just keep following my heart and giving my H all the love i should have before A.
Take care and i'll be thinking of you...