ok...its been a little while....i need help right now really badly...anyone who has read my posts knows that i am the ww...i have been through childhood sexual, emotional, and physical abuse...still i should never have cheated...and i should never have told him that i was in love with someone else...because i wasn't...i am in love with him...he said he needed some time....ok..i was willing to give him that...he took me to my mothers two and a half hours away from home, and left me there...with no way to get home...and he hugged me and told me that everything would be ok...and that he just needed this time to sort things out....and i agreed to give him this time...3 nights that i was supposed to spend with my mother....on the first night down there, i called him...i was missing him so much...and needing a little reasurrance i guess that everything WOULD be ok...and he wasn't home...so i called his cell phone...he got mad at me for calling first...then told me he was out just driving around...the next morning, he told me that he just drove around for a few hours...we live in a very small town...he told me that he got home around 2 am....and i called him at 10:30 pm...and i could tell he was lying..he kept getting really defensive....yesterday, i found out that he went to another womans house, and had sex with her...he said it only happenend one time...that he never has been with her before...but he had her phone number programmed into the cell phone...and he got soo angry with me...i hit him...i beat the crap out of him...i know that was the wrong way to handle my anger...but omg this hurts...and he thinks i should just forget about it....he works with this woman everyday...he will see her today...and everyday...and he thinks i am being controlling because i don't want him to talk to her anymore....he knows how much he hurt me...he has been through it...i know i was wrong...but do i deserve this? it hurts worse than anything else i have ever experienced in my life...and i still don't want to give up...he wants to give up...but i still see hope for us..i don't know why...i have been begging him and pleading with him all this time to give me another chance...to give us another chance...he has never cheated in all the 14 years of our marriage...until i told him that i was in love with him and that i wanted us to rebuild our relationship...now he decides to cheat...what do i do with that? we promised each other complete honesty, and he promised me that while i was at my mothers, he would be at home thinking about us..and trying to work out his issues....this really hurts...and i don't know what to do...i thought it hurt before when he told me he didn't see any hope for us....omg...please help me

cheatedandregretit-

Words can't express how SORRY I am that you're going through this right now. Dealing with one A is tough enough and this latest development will definitely complicate a potential R.

I think it's safe to say that this ploy by your H was nothing more than a "revenge" affair, but I know that doesn't make it any easier for you. Before you go any further, make sure you understand the principles put forth on this site. Is it possible for the two of you to to attend MC? There's so much going on right now in your marriage that a professional could help with. Good luck and keep posting.

Cheated,
No, he didn't have the right to do this. He told you one thing, and did another.

He lied. He had sex with another woman. He is now a wayward spouse. Just like you, he made a very bad choice that he's going to have to live with.

My experience with being both FBS & FWS is a little different. We were separated for the 7th time, right after a counseling appt, when my H said he wanted the marriage, I walked into his office and found him emailing the OW. I made an appt with a lawyer and called a male friend, dated him for 6 weeks.

That was nearly 3 years ago. H & I reconciled, then began to recover.

Even if you do both want to reconcile at this point, the trust is blown on both sides. He has to be as equally accountable as you do as he was equally wrong.

He's brought yet another person into this mess...and it's someone he will have to deal with at work.

Do you want your marriage?

The best thing my H did when I went for the D & the guy was to Plan A me. It took the 6 weeks until I stopped seeing the OM, 3-4 months before I believed in him enough for him to come home. I myself had done an 18 month Plan A...so I knew exactly what he was doing, making his changes, being accountable--even when I wasn't asking, and being kind.

Do you have that kind of effort in you?

Beating the crap out of him has to stop, of course under any circumstances. You can't undo that, you can only do better.

I didn't see my actions as retaliatory, after almost 2 years of my H's A...I looked at it as ending the misery and moving on. I suspect your H's motive was simpler and less thought out--hurting you.

I'm here to tell you, a marriage can recover from the point where you are, but I can't tell you that it will be easy. Your H has put you to all the same health risks & emotional pain that any WS does to the BS. And, you are now a betrayed spouse. You are both. And you and your H will have all the issues of both.

It is my belief, especially having made a bad choice of my own, that no spouse deserves being cheated on...not even one that has been unfaithful. There's no honorable justification--don't buy into any that your H says he has. I had none. Your H has none.

I encourage you to find a counselor who is pro-marriage, at this point I don't think you could do any better than Steve Harley, phone counseling appts available through this site.

Your H has done a lousy thing...but you aren't going to be able to control his behavior, only your own, and you need to know what it is you want to do.

If you want your marriage, Plan A is your best option.

H does not want counseling...he says he has too much anger inside him...and he doesn't want to talk to anyone...he won't go...he believes that this relationship has no hope at all..and he just wants to be left alone...why can't i just give him what he wants and leave him alone? i love him so damned much....this hurts so bad...how could he do this to me after he knew how much it hurt? and he says it wasn't revenge...he said it was comfort...i still believe he is lying to me..this hurts so much...i don't know how to deal with this kind of pain...i dealt with childhood sexual abuse...but i can't deal with this?

and by the way...he filled out the emotional needs questionairre..and said he didn't have any emotional needs...he claims he is dead inside...what do i do with that?

<small>[ January 06, 2003, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: cheatedandregretit ]</small>

<small>[ January 06, 2003, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: cheatedandregretit ]</small>

cheatedandregretit-

Sorry to hear that he won't agree to MC, but would you consider IC? I think it could be very beneficial in helping you get a grip on what's going on and what your options are.

As a BS, I can tell you that there are times in this whole process where all you can do is hold on and PRAY. It doesn't seem fair that anyone would have to experience the sheer HEARTACHE, and yours is certainly a complicated situation. Just know that we're praying for you! Good luck and keep us posted.

Cheated,
Of course this hurts! That's why this forum is full of betrayed spouses who hurt, who can't get past it, who can't understand, who feel destroyed. This is what betrayed feels like. That is now a part of you.

The pain you are dealing with IS the pain of betrayal. It's the pain all betrayed spouses feel. You at least knew your marriage was in deep trouble, I believe it's worse when the betrayed spouse doesn't know there is a problem, and the problem is another person.

Your H may not be real clear on why he's done what he has. He was hurt not long ago, just like you are now.

Why would he inflict that? Because that isn't how someone who cheats thinks, even those who have been there.

He may have thought the comfort of a friendly person would help. But the second they took off some clothes, it was betrayal.

But, just like you weren't thinking about how much your affair actions were going to hurt your H, he likely didn't process through that either--at least if he says it wasn't retaliation. The WS often lies to themselves as well as to the BS & OP. Almost all cheaters lie at some point.

It isn't unusual for people of the opposite sex to offer time & company to either the wayward or betrayed spouse. Sometimes the motive of the OP isn't evil, sometimes it is.

I went alone to a counselor for a couple months without my H. Then my H joined me. When I served the D papers, I didn't want to go to the C anymore, and my H went alone.

You've got plenty of issues--guilt, betrayal, remorse, loss--to work on by yourself for many sessions.

With the ENQ, that he thinks he doesn't have needs...that speaks more to his level of pain than that he doesn't have needs. We all have needs, he's closed down, possibly avoiding hurt or having to try to meet yours.

I've done the ENQ 3 times, under 3 different circumstances--1st separation, later separation, recovery. Depending on which needs are being met, mine have fluctuated as to which are the top. For example, an unwillingly celibate person tends to rate SF rather highly, when that need is being met...conversation may rank higher.

It's really ok to feel terribly sad & hurt. What has happened in your life is awful. Feel free to talk it out here until you can make some decisions--hopefully for counseling and waiting out the outcomes of what your H has unwisely chosen to do.

thank you all...how do i do plan A when i am so angry and hurt? i'm not even sure i completely understand it all...help

My,oh,my what a mess! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
I have had the thought that the only way my H would ever know the way he has hurt me with his PA is to have one myself. Of course I do not truly want to do that and you have sure helped me to see that ONE problem is far less to work on than TWO.Then I think that it probably would not hurt him like it hurt me as he would be expecting it unlike it was with me when he had his PA. I have always said that the best way to get over someone is with someone.Think I need another saying! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I am sorry that you are going through this and I sincerely hope that there is something to wake your H up soon and MC will be started immediately thereafter. You will be in my prayers.

and even though i know he's lying to me still...and he knows that i know, he won't come clean...why? and why is he so adamant that i not call her? i just want her to know that i know...why won't he let me call her? and how do i get past this pain enough to do plan A?

C.A.R.I, what a horrible position you are in. Lor has a good idea about the counseling. Even if he won't go, do the IC. You may want to talk to your Dr. about some mild anti-depressants also. When I found out about my W's A's, I did the same thing. I could be wrong, but it sounds very retalitory. I went and had an A of my own, and it didn't make me feel better, it made me feel worse. However if that is the case, it's true your H may have just shut himself down inside. He will most likely see it (just as I did) that his A was not as bad because he was "getting even" while you were giving your heart to another man. This is not by any means right or fair, but it is what it is. The truth is cheating is cheating not matter the reason and there is no justification. I hope your H opens himself up before he does irrepairable (sp) damage to himself and those around. Just keep working on yourself and READ!. Best of wishes.

MTD

Cheated,
My H denied his A all but twice throughout 18 months. One time my prayer partner saw him with her, he came home, told me he hadn't seen the OW...prayer partner called me just then to tell me.

How pointless was my H's denial?

You are asking questions that you may never get answers to. He doesn't want to tell you the truth because he doesn't want to tell you the truth. Got that? He doesn't want to, so he's not.

My guess he is adamant that you not call her because he has lied to her. Most likely that he's getting a divorce. You call, his house of cards (whatever he's told her to get in her bed) falls.

Also, you don't know her motivation, so if you call her, she could lie to YOU. She's not your friend, she has no loyalty to you, you can't expect her to care about you, and it isn't likely that whatever you tell her will make any difference to her. She knows he's married, right? So, she knows she did a married man. Estranged or not is not the point. Whether you know or not is also not the point.

If you want your marriage, you do Plan A. You don't love bust. You don't yell or hit.

The pain has to be dealt with whether you Plan A or divorce. You allow the grieving process to happen, the sadness, the depression, the anger (probably later), the bargaining, and hopefully to come at the end, the acceptance (much later)that this is what happened inyour life. YOu can't change it.

You can't change what you did at any point. Now your H can't change what he has done.

You act with dignity. You act & speak with love.

It isn't easy. I doubt you'll find anyone who has done a good Plan A who considers it easy, though some personalities have Plan A more within their nature than others that are volatile and/or more "me" centered.

Do you think you can look at your H and realize he has been as hurt as you? You just didn't know it? Wouldn't you want him to be kind to you? You give what you wish you got back, even though, sometimes, you don't get the kindness in return back.

You can control your actions and words.

You are the only one who can.