Hi! I stumbled across this site a few weeks ago and have been reading every day. I think I even have the initials learned for everything.
I am the betrayed spouse. H had a 9 month PA with a co-worker and family friend,(HA), 3 years ago. I still have questions and probably always will.
But, our marriage is back on track... and better than it ever has been. Even before the affair.
I have lurked and posted all over the net trying to find answers to my questions and fears, but there is one that as a woman I simply cannot understand. How can any woman, or man for that matter, accept being just a dirty little secret, a side line. Second best. I could not ever. It was either her or me from the day he broke down and told me had been trying to end things with her. He was her boss and had one week to fire her and have her out of his life but good or don't come home.
Do you think it is a self-esteem issue or just a low moral fiber for a person to let themselves be in that position? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 04:50 AM: Message edited by: Baby Blue ]</small>

Yeah, I couldn't either. But then I could never do this to Tom either. I'm not saying I am a better person I have my faults too. But, I definatly know where to draw the line and tell men not to take even one more step! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

edited: double post

<small>[ January 06, 2003, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: tomstrueluv ]</small>

In their minds, they're not a dirty little secret. At work, I was the one my H tried to hide. He went around openly with his very special best female friends (except in front of me, of course) and made sure everyone at work knew how wonderful he thought they were. They felt special and privileged -- so special that their "friendships" with my husband had to be hidden from me since I just wouldn't understand. Silently conspiring with him to shut me out of their private world made them feel valuable and special and privileged. It was like I was the dirty little secret, not them.

TTL,
There are so many BS here who struggle that they are the ones who are second best...let's bottle you up and give self-esteem boosters. You obviously have recovered not only your marriage but any self-doubt and that's a good thing for people here to know can happen.

I don't feel second best, I know I am the best choice. But it took me YEARS during the bad times to come to that feeling.

I have to agree with psycho_b, some of the OW think they've got it all over the wife, sometimes that's because of the lines they've been fed by the WS as well.

Heeelllo! Yes, I have recovered my self-esteem nicely. But I had help. I screamed FOUL loud and clear for ALL to hear on DDay. My H said there would be no chance of reconciling if everyone knew. Well I changed the locks packed his stuff and made the rounds. There was no way he was going to turn me into the one with some nasty secret. I was the wronged one not the one who did wrong and everyone knew before that day was over. And he was going to have alot of work to do to get me back. He broke my heart, why should he just creap back like a dog who still gets a bone as a reward! NOT!
It took a couple of weeks of his co-workers sneering and his friends and family's utter disgust to show him what an a** he had been.
After I allowed him to move back home I asked him if I would be more atractive to him if I dressed more as she did. She must have a subscription to sl*ts are us. He told me no thanks, he had had one wh**e he surely didn't need another. That I had more class in my little finger nail than she had ever had in her whole body! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ROFL!! OMG, I love this woman! Way to go, TTL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks! Taking bow!
I really don't mean to be glib about it. It was the most devestating thing to ever happen to me. No one had ever hurt me so much. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> But looking back after three years, it is kind of funny to think of how hard he scrambled to get his sorry butt out of the sausage grinder! And yes it was after a couple weeks of what MB calls the fog-like behavior.
The country song 'Every light in the house is on' was playing on the radio a few weeks back, my H asked me if I ever felt like that when he was gone. I told him "yes, but you were never going to know it!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I myself could never accept a relationship that existed in dark alleys and parks!
I guess I just want more for myself than a man who cannot tell his mother how much he loves and repects me.
I guess there really are women you marry and women you... don't.
I wish I could understand how a man could jeopradize(sp) his home and family for the kind of person who would do this. Any ideas? Do you think it is just stupidity or what? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tomstrueluv:
<strong>.... I wish I could understand how a man could jeopradize(sp) his home and family for the kind of person who would do this. Any ideas? Do you think it is just stupidity or what? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, coupled with fog.

L.

Hi! How is everyone here doing? I can't believe almost a year has gone by since I posted this. All is well with me and mine. I am hoping everyone has a merry Christmas and are successfully re-building their marriages. If any of the H's get out of line today, tell them you have thought of another use for those canycanes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

/wave

Sounds like things are still going well. Congratulations on your success!

Happy Holidays to you, from one BS to another. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SOB SOB!

Why can't I have a success story???!!!

I guess mine will have to wait until after H leaves. Then I can speak of how much better off I am with him gone and how my life is reborn?? Am I dreaming this will happen or is it really possible??

**SIGH**

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Tomstruelove,
What an interesting thread! I didn't notice the date it started at first.

Congratulations on rebuilding your marriage. I'm glad things are going well.

Because my A ended a long time ago, I hesitate to even comment on any of it but I feel I must say a few things.

First of all, I once heard a very wise person say, "If any human being is capable of doing something awful, then I am, too."

In my wildest dreams I NEVER thought I'd have an affair. I never believed strongly in the power of evil in myself until I did this awful thing. My Astarted after being married 18 years as I approached my fortieth birthday. I had only been with my husband before I got involved with exOM.

It started very insidiously, harmlessly. ExOM and his wife lived far away, so it was mostly long distance. It more or less took on a life of its own, so to speak.

As someone mentioned, the feelings of a person in an affair are all about 'fog'. Everyone is different, but I was able to compartmentalize the whole thing for a long time.

ExOM talked about his wife a lot. I think he always loved her. I never felt superior to her, or like I had 'one up' on her. I was sickened by my behavior. I never met her, saw her, or spoke to her.

We're all different, us who cheated, but that's my take.

H_P