Can we take a time out to say thank you and to be grateful for the wonderful men in our lives?

Ladies, before you post generalities about men...remember that included in that term "men" are our fathers, our brothers, our sons, our uncles, our nephews and our grandfathers. And even more importantly, that "men" includes the man we promised to love and *honor*.

I have to wonder about the quality of a plan A done by a woman who spends her time on MB bashing men. Attitudes have a way of permeating our every action and word.

I personally am very proud of my husband, and very grateful for his support, love and presence in my life. I would not have the gift of his love today if I had not learned to stop diagnosing him, and started looking at myself.

thank you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good point BR.

I love and respect my husband and am grateful and happy for him.

As an old-timer, and recovered, I post about my H's past actions, but the incomprehensible man who was a WS is nothing like my now loving, caring, concerned, protective husband. And, I'm not as much like that negative, volatile wife he had so many problems with! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I like men .... I really really DO!!!!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 04:38 AM: Message edited by: Baby Blue ]</small>

BrambleRose,
Were you in my house this weekend? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I was not very nice to my H, he sort of...well...deserved it...but... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Now I feel bad.

Thanks for the kick in the pants, I will be nicer when he comes home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Chaz, you're welcome <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lor, dittos for me too. I'm a much better wife and so he's a much better husband.

Pepper - meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee too! I better, I have a household full of them! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Baby, I'll share with you a secret from the post-affair/recovery side of things....When I am not getting what I want in my relationship, I have to figure out what *I* am not giving. When we first started recovery I used to sit around pissed and sulking that my bad WS wasn't kissing my behind. But when I turned it around and stopped focusing on WHY IS HE A BAD HUSBAND, and started looking at HOW CAN I BE A BETTER WIFE.....I started getting what I needed.

Granted...Plan A with an active affair ongoing won't produce such gratifying results...but the concept still holds.

You'll understand when you start focusing inward instead of outward.

Ladysing - Could you imagine the tales that could be posted on this board if there was a fly on the wall in every house? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Bramble,

All males in my house except me! Even the pets! What's nice about it is that I am the undisputed princess and make the most of it.

Last night the boys and I were upstairs. My YS needed a Cub Scout achievement so the chore was to figure out why my bathroom sink drained slowly.

As H and 2 boys had their heads under my sink taking apart the plumbing, I just said eeewwwww! and was able to leave the room!! My H said sweetly "you're such a girl!"

I came back in a few minutes and started scrubbing the shower just so I could be with them! I adore all the men in my house - big & little! Thanks for starting this thread! CSue

You can love your husband, but not like how he acts. You don't automatically stop loving someone for doing you wrong, but you can have contempt. "Falling in love doesn't happen overnight, and falling out of love doesn't either."

BR,
Thank you for the post.

My in-laws asked me once, "how do you do it?" because my FWH was doing things they had never seen him do before once he met me (job, school, etc., etc.). I told them that I see him in his magnificence.

Each time I think about the EA's and the pain, I try to imagine a white light surrounding him. It is not hard for me to see him in this light and to see all the good that is in him. He is beautiful to me! I adore him.

Once he opened up to me, he admitted that he created chaos because I was "like perfect" and he didn't know how to treat me as good as I treated him and he definitely didn't think that he deserved me and thought that I would eventually leave.

His NY resolution this year is to be better to ME! I think he finallly realizes that I am not going anywhere. He is the father of our home. The best step-father role model (despite the EA's which my children know nothing about) that I could ever hope for my sons to have. He has many father-son talks with my 17 yr old. I am the mom. I cannot teach my sons how to be men. I know that my FWH is the best thing that has ever happened to us. I know that his EA's were about his own insecurities about himself.

I provide the space for him to be the man that he deserves to be and that he was meant to be. God has a plan for him. I want to be the woman that supports that plan. I love him dearly.

God Bless!

This is so cool!

Sometimes I feel such intense happiness and so much love for my H that I think I may burst! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> It's not just that I love him, but now I can say that I respect him as my husband.

I stopped focusing on fixing my H and decided to REALLY examine myself and change ME to be the best person I could be (regardless of what he did). When he realised that the train may be leaving the station for good, my H started to examine himself -- he made some incredible changes that have become permanent. He was like a cold little flower opening up to the sunshine.

Our mutual changes have opened up a whole new life for us as a team. I'm so grateful we made a new start. Sometimes I cry because what we have is so beautiful. I want that same feeling for everyone here.

OK, I'm done. Thanks for letting me gush. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lori

"I have to wonder about the quality of a plan A done by a woman who spends her time on MB bashing men. Attitudes have a way of permeating our every action and word."

I am truly starting to resent this statement. I went back and deleted everything... but now I'm wondering if that was such a good idea. I truly do not feel I was BASHING men. I was stating a theory (re: men AND women) that came up in mc. (I didn't 'invent' this theory!!) Some people were kind about it (Thank you) while others, for some reason, took offense. Yes, it was a simplification... I stated that many times, and even elaborated, if one had chosen to read the entire thread. But its simply an idea that everybody agrees on if it's in "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", or "His Needs/Her Needs", or the differences in the way men and women deal with emotions/conflicts/etc, and perceive themselves. What, are we all exactly the same now? Is this the new PC thing to be????

And just for the record... I LOVE and RESPECT My Husband. I was NOT 'bashing' him. I was trying to UNDERSTAND him. And was getting some helpful insight (Thank you Chaz) I thought. But apparently, this board is not where one should come in order to process things in their mind. My mistake. I thought it was a support board.

One of the really cool things about recovery is this:

We learn to listen to differences with an open mind. Resenting a difference of opinion by another human being makes NO sense.

If someone's opinion stops and makes you re-think, re-evaluate .... THAT process in and of itself is valuable (whether or not you change your mind about your position).

Baby ... BR has a different "take" on what was going on .... so what? You can take it or leave it without subjecting your body to the stress of resentment. The resentment belongs to you .... not to anyone disagreeing with you.

If you feel resentment when being "criticized" it is the voice of your inner child speaking up. Your adult voice will shrug off any criticism it determines to be incorrect or misplaced .... without the intoxication of resentment. How do I know this? By self observation ... when I feel resentful ... I feel less adult. There is no morally "correct" way to respond ... I just want you to know that you do have a choice beyond resentment. I was recently criticized VERY harshly by another poster who said my remarks were the most cruel a she had ever read on MB!!!! I was taken aback for a moment, then decided to respond as an adult and to explore her position to see if there was anything for me to learn about myself. (there was)

If you let go of resentment ... what emotion do you feel underneath? THAT is usually your fear or your insecurity.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Excellent! Very insightful and helpful Pepper!

After two years in therapy and many $$$, thought provoking posts like this are priceless and then I realize...I didn't even have to pay a cent for that!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Yes Pep. Exactly. It's my inner child who's upset because I'm insecure. Who wouldn't be?? My marriage IS fragile right now... (My H had an affair... tends to put a strain on a marriage).

I feel her statement "I have to wonder about the quality of a Plan A ...." to be a personal attack on how I'm managing my recovery! My H is talking about feelings and emotions for the first time ever, he's searching his soul so we can both have the answers to "why?" "how?", the thread I started was based upon one of his 'realizations'. My 1st thought was also "huh???" but.... I'm working very hard at not criticizing his realizations/revelations/etc. I just want to understand them. I realize this is a journey he has to take, and if I want him to allow me to be a part of it, I need to provide a safe haven for him to do that. So I came here with my questions..... Am I doing Plan A all wrong???

Babe ... as far as I'm concerned... you are doing your plan A as best you can for the moment .... hills and valleys along the way. I just want to offer you a road away from the awful feeling of RESENTMENT ... which is a horrible emotional neighborhood .... and has little to offer in the way of personal growth.

You'll be fine. Relax and love yourself today. Everyone feels resentment now and then ... and some time there is OK ... but it basically sucks!

You are loved even when you are not doing well. OK?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Susan ... I'll send you my bill. A two-martini lunch and a day spa treatment.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thank you Pep.

Today is not a good day for me. I'm so very tired of being suspicious, untrusting, and insecure.

I want my safe little world back, the one where I felt totally secure and trusted my husband. I felt safe. The world where my H and I had a 'special' love that nothing could ever touch. I want my rose colored glasses back.

I know Babe ... I know. I did too ... but ... I can actually see better without those rose colored glasses. The world is NOT pink ... but, that's OK.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pep:

"The world is NOT pink ... but, that's OK."

It's not? Oh, $h!+! Back to square one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry. I return control of your thread to you!