Allright here's the deal.

My H & I got "His Needs, Her Needs" for Christmas. By that Thursday night, I had finished the whole thing, printed out the emotional needs worksheet as well as the recreational worksheet. I filled out the EN worksheet that night. Then, I gave the book and some blank worksheets to my H, so he could read through the book (and the stuff I highlighted), so he can highlight stuff to ME, and also fill out his worksheets so we can go over them together.

The bookmark is still in the same place it was a week ago, he hasn't touched the EN questionnaire, we DID do the recreational inventory, and while very few things were a 3 for both of us, everything that was pos for one was pos for the other, and everything that was neg for one was neg for the other. Most of it was 1 for me and 3 for him, and vice-versa (though we did discover both of us would like to go up in a hot air balloon).

After reading a bunch of posts on here, and doing some talking with my psychologist, I came to the conclusion that I was having an EA with a co-worker.. and all the time thought that as long as I didn't let it progress into a PA that it was OK.

So I came clean to my H about what was going on, and last Friday I cut off OM with an NC. So then I talk to H, tell him about the NC, and he just shrugs it off like he doesn't give a damn.

So of course I'm hurt that he's not doing the EN inventory, he's not reading the book, and he doesn't care about my EA, as long as it doesn't progress to a PA!

I don't really want the EA anymore, and OM's many sexual advances are quite frankly getting annoying at this point since I've officially decided I *will not* go in with any of them. Furthermore, for the record, I am not in love with OM, neither will I ever be -- I know he's scum, and I know where to keep my boundaries.

HOWEVER.. I need someone to talk to. OM is the only person in the world who truly understands me, who I can talk to without really having to explain myself, who can put things into words and express what I'm thinking and/or feeling even when *I* can't. I WANT THIS TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP WITH MY H! H is constantly complaining that he doesn't understand me. But frankly, sometimes I don't understand MYSELF. Another reason OM is so appealing to talk to, because he understands me even when I don't.

But what I'm really trying to get to is this..
who decided that an EA is actually a bad thing?
If H doesn't care to remedy the home situation, if he doesn't care about the EA, and since I obviously *need* to have someone to talk to, and I don't fall in love with OM, and I don't progress it to PA or lead him on in anyway .. why would I still be feeling guilt over the whole thing?

ALSO one more thing. H has met OM, I kind of arranged a meeting at OM's apartment, so H would know exactly where OM lives, thusly making it MUCH harder for me to organize a PA. I just felt so guilty as if I was hiding OM even though we hadn't done anything, so I had to bring him to light. So now he is, but I feel as if nothing's changed excpet for the fact that H seems to care less and less about me and the state of our marriage. Granted, I'm speaking one-sided here, but that's what it looks like from my angle, and since he's not really saying much, I'm not sure what to do.

welcome y&i <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm WH and at one time my W and I went thru ENQ. It was during my 1st phase of betrayal...I participated eagerly as I wnated to KNOW what my EN's were...for seldf and W, but mostly for me...I have at one time or another in my life been unsure who I was, what I needed/wanted!

And although we identified one another's EN's, it seemed I was not satisfied enough in my M to MEET W's needs fully and unconditionally. I don't want it to appear as though I'm cold hearted, indifferent as I would "out of love" give quite often but still "out there" <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ...Enter 2nd betrayal w/ OW who is co-worker...I sat there listening over time to her woeful life...empathizing, sympathizing, etc. etc. a true EA...it progressed to the point of a PA (kissing, petting and nearly sex... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> )

Whether your H 'cares' or not is not the point...the fact that you are involved in EA with OM (co-worker) means you cannot fully meet his EN's...so his defense is to become apathetic and numb to your behavior. The other side of the coin is...ask yourself this q? "Is he involved in EA/PA w/ OW!? This is something to explore, as well.

Are you or have you and H been in MC?

What else can you do to make M work...give your undivided attention to H and his EN's!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Make him feel as though he is the Christ of his church!

In Christ's Name!
<><

God's Blessings to you and H!!

If you

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whether your H 'cares' or not is not the point...the fact that you are involved in EA with OM (co-worker) means you cannot fully meet his EN's...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well if he won't fill out the EN questionnaire and let me KNOW what his most important ENs are, how am I supposed to know what needs to be filling!?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">so his defense is to become apathetic and numb to your behavior. The other side of the coin is...ask yourself this q? "Is he involved in EA/PA w/ OW!? This is something to explore, as well. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, he's not involved in any sort of A of his own, unless you count love of video games. He doesn't seem interested in much of anything *at all* ever since we got married. He plays video games, and that's all he really seems to care about. He got fired from one job for not going in to work, and then he got another job, and he's not going into work THERE anymore, either, and now he's "supposedly" looking for a job, but it's after noon and he's still asleep from staying up all night last night playing his computer games.

To quote from my journal:

there's lots of stuff going on, and I am seriously starting to think he wants to leave me... but I don't want that to happen.. so I need to somehow fix whatever it is about me that's making him so miserable...

and

This could actually be a good thing, but right now it sure doesn't feel like it.

OM just got transferred to another department, and will no longer have access to chat with me on the programs we've been using at work.

How am I supposed to survive if my closest friend is suddenly just, gone? I feel as if I've just suddenly been uprooted and transplanted to a brand new place where I don't know anybody, and this world is pretty lonely this way...

So I cut off the EA, then started it back again, and now it's ending not of my own doing, but due to circumstance. Lack of contact means lack of EA, plain and simple. We might see each other in passing if our breaks happen to coincide, but considering he'll be morning shift and I'll be evening, those "in-passing" moments are going to be few and far in-between.

I know I'm kind of bouncing topics here, but really I'm just confused and trying to sort everything out...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you or have you and H been in MC?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Missed this one in the process of dissecting my last post. No, we haven't. We were going to do pre-marital counseling, but then my grandmother got cancer and all my time before the wedding was spent on the other side of the country with her. Then afterwards other things kept coming up, and we never really had time. Now, we have time, but no money. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Many times a husband will go into denial mood and simply convince himself that his wife would never betray him. I will make this suggestion to you: Please show him the letter you have written to this board describing your situation. Sit down with him and let him read it. Hopefully he will will not be able to be in denial anymore. Your situation indicates if not this OM then there will be another OM in the future in which you will cross the line. You need to make your husband truly aware of what is happening. It is up to you. I wish you luck.

That's a great suggestion, Bryan!

y&l-

even if h hasn't filled out ENQ, you can determine at least what his past EN's are through memory of what happy moments both of you shared...what took place, something tangible, such as a drill you bought him, a game you went with him to, a movie he enjoyed, massages, sex, holding hands, working on home project together,! Even the intangibles, such as staring him in the eyes and affectionately saying 'YOU LOVE HIM", placing notes of affection around the house, mail him an "I love you" card, doing a project around the house HE intended to do!

I hope I've helped some...let us know how your letter reading goes with him.

In Christ's Name!
<><

Quote from Young:who decided that an EA is actually a bad thing?

Now think about that question! How could someone be in a EA and think that the energy and time spent in it and not on H is not going to lead to a path of hurt, anger, resentment, and feeling of betrayal?

Wonder if you found out that the reason he is acting like he is was because he was having a EA? Just a hypothetical question but think about it if it were true. Would you see anything wrong in it then.

The reason why EA's can be wrong, is that they can be devastating to someone not receiving the attention, care, respect and time that someone else is reaping the benefits from. Wonder if the OM was married? What would you feel if his wife had the same complaints about him. But here he is knowing exactly how you feel, but his own wife feelings he disregards. Putting your feet in someone else's shoes can be a very humbling experience, try thinking about that.

I hope you do not feel that this was meant to be negative, it was meant to get you to think on a broader sense of the entire picture.

Take Care

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Wonder if you found out that the reason he is acting like he is was because he was having a EA? Just a hypothetical question but think about it if it were true. Would you see anything wrong in it then.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not really. I mean, if he were happy with SOMEONE, then at least he'd be happy.. I mean he sure as heck isn't happy with me...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The reason why EA's can be wrong, is that they can be devastating to someone not receiving the attention, care, respect and time that someone else is reaping the benefits from. Wonder if the OM was married? What would you feel if his wife had the same complaints about him. But here he is knowing exactly how you feel, but his own wife feelings he disregards. Putting your feet in someone else's shoes can be a very humbling experience, try thinking about that.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So basically I'm not supposed to have any friends, I'm just supposed to sit and let my problems bury me to the point that my Dr needs to raise my antidepressant dosages again and I should just ignore all my problems so that at least SOMEONE in the marriage is trying to do the right thing.

Who cares what I'm feeling, I should just bottle everything up and ignore it all.

I sent H the link to this MB thread.

I checked his EMail, he deleted the msg without even reading it, its already in his trash.

Young,
I am going to disagree a little bit with some of the other posters.

What your H has is an addiction. It is impossible to address marriage problems until the addiction has been addressed. If he has lost two jobs because of his game habit, then it is pretty plain what is going on.

I am not qualified to advise you on how to deal with this, you will need to get some professional help - that is if you wish to work with him and stay married to him.

It may not be that he doesn't care, or that he doesn't love you. He is an addict, and his habit controls him right now.

Yes, you have feelings, and they are important. Yes you have needs too, and they need to be met.

The premise on this site is that if you are nice to someone, there is more of a chance that they will like you. ( why do you like OM? In many ways, he is nice to you.) Your emotional needs should be met by your spouse, if they are being met elsewhere, the POTENTIAL for problems is magnified many times. We don't want you in a relationship that is one sided, or broken. We want you happy, and productive, and in a good relationship. I can tell you from personal experience that the things you read in HN, HN really work. My W and I are happier than we have ever been, even on our honeymoon 25 years ago.

However, he still has this addiction, and I believe until it is dealt with, you won't get anywhere with him.

If you want to make your marriage work, you need to make some decisions.

1. Do you love him?
2. Do you wish to stay married to him? ( and it will be some work.)
3. Do you have the strength and will power to see it through?
4. Is he worth saving?

My advice is to either fix this relationship, ( and you would need to start by getting help for his addiction.) or leave it and start one with someone that is whole and can give themselves to you as a H should his wife. Please don't try and get some needs met outside of marriage that should only be met by your spouse, I have been on these boards long enough to understand that it is not the way to happiness.

So, to recap, I suggest you decide what it is that you want, and go for that. If it is to save your marriage, then seek out organizations that can help you deal with the addiction. It may be that you have to quit supporting him and let him fall a little lower, I don't know, but you can find out.
I suspect if you try to talk to him about his games being an addiction you will get the same kind of attention that you have gotten in trying to talk to him about your marriage. I would seek the help first, so you know how to do it, and what to do.
I commend you for your effort. It is wonderful that you could see trouble, and are seeking help before things get way out of hand. I am glad you can see OM for what he is, and have broken contact. You are doing the right thing, you should know that.

Once you found a lot in your husband to love, I hope you and he can recreate that love again.
Let us know how things go, we care.

SS

PS,
In the short term, come and talk to us. We can't ( and don't want) to replace either the OM, or your husband. What we can do is give you support until you can get things back to where they are supposed to be. Please don't get upset if we don't post as often as you would like, sometimes we can't help as much or as fast as we want to do.

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>