I have had it….I am so f**cking mad right now I cannot stand it. How can someone that has pledged to love you their whole life look you straight in the eye and lie to you without missing a beat. She has gotten so good at it now that I cannot tell the difference between when she is lying and when she is telling the truth! I asked her straight out if she has had any contact with this guy and she emphatically said NO, even though I have intercepted several voice mails and emails. To catch her in her lie and told her that I heard a guys voice when she checked her voice mail and that she told me it was a message from one of her girl friends. She didn’t even miss a beat…….she said that he had only called that “once” to tell her that he had been treated for an STD (that he gave my W). Perfect lie right, she forgot that we had her number changed after dday….oops. When I brought that up she fumbled a minute and said that he had called her best friend to get her new number…..WTF……

I give up………The reason I brought this up today was; I am going on a ski trip this weekend and she is going to stay with her best friend. This morning I intercepted an email from her friend to the OM and his friend telling him that my W could not travel due to her pregnancy and he was going to have to come up here!!!!!! I am so f**cking mad right now that I can barely type. I just want to come back early from my trip and send him straight to h*ll, it is Gods job to judge, but I can sure send him to the judgment.

What do I do now??? I told her today to put herself in my shoes and think about how it would make her feel if I was doing the things that she is doing. I told her to at least respect me as a human being, since she obviously does not respect me as a husband, if she wants to be with him just give me a divorce and go. After this I got up to leave (before I really said some nasty sh*t), when I turned around she was crying. Since I cannot stand to see a female cry (even though she deserves it) I sat down beside her and put my arm around her. I asked her if she wanted to talk or if she wanted me to go. She said she wanted me to go…(grrrrrrrr). So I left, damn near broke the door on the way out.

Did I do the right thing????? Big LB’s I know. The one thing I cannot stand is to be lied to. This hurts me even more than the A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Broken_Joe:
<strong>Did I do the right thing????? Big LB’s I know.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You answered you own question.

Joe, ya gotta get a hold of your emotions. Rage will not accomplish anything.

We know it hurts like hell, but her lies are very, very typical. You will hear more.

Is she pregnant by you or OM? Are you sure?

One thing is absolutely certain - OM is total pond scum and you do not have to prove anything to him. Please stay on the moral high ground and stand tall.

Continue venting here and NOT to your wife. When you get calmer and can think straight, we'll help you. You will be the only clear thinker involved in this mess.

Yes, it is my child. That is why I am soooooo mad. If she wants to leave me, fine, give me a divorce. The only reason I am sticking around right now is for my son, I don't want to miss his birth. It just kills me that because of her mistakes, deceit, lies, adultery that I will loose my son. I love him more than my own life and the thought of only seeing him every/every other weekend just distroys my heart. Why do fathers have so little right to their children? I love him every bit as much if not more than she does, yet she will almost definately get custody!

I know I should not act when my emotions are so raw but I can't stand this!

Joe:

What WAT said.

It sounds from your description of the convo that your W is having second thoughts about her OM. That's GOOD. But you're in a very delicate time right now. This HURTS LIKE HELL. We know! And when you're hurting it's hard to be loving and caring and not LB. But it is what you have to do if you're going to save this mess.

Next time she says she wants you to go, try saying something like "I understand" and go into another room, or out to the garage or something. That way, if she didn't mean it and she needs support, you'll be there for her.

Just a thought,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This morning I intercepted an email from her friend to the OM and his friend telling him that my W could not travel due to her pregnancy and he was going to have to come up here!!!!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is this "friend" think their doing???!!! Be angry, very angry, but let out here. I am sorry for this turn of events.

Joe,

You have every right to be upset. I want to say something that may be upsetting but you have written in your message that your wife has become so good at lying that you simply have no idea when she is or is not telling you the truth.
You stated that your wife became pregnant in the middle of June and her affair began at the beginning of July. If she is so good at lying to you then why would you believe that it is not possible that her affair began earlier? Please have a paternity check done. If you end up divorcing you will still be on the hook for the next 18 years even if the baby is not yours if it is not contested.
The fact that your wife continues to have an affair while she is pregant is too much and makes me think that the child may not be yours.
You both need counseling immediately. If she refuses and continues to lie and betray you this way then you need to contact an attorney to protect your right and stop her emotional abuse towards you. There is something not right about this so please have the paternity test done for your own piece of mind since at this point she has no credibility. Good Luck.

Luki:

My W had a friend like that. 12 years ago, when my W was contemplating having her A, this friend said "Go for it. Get it out of her system." Well, she went for it, and now claims it's out of her system... ...only took trashing two M's and affecting the lives of at least 8 people directly to get it out of her system. I won't ever let that "friend" through the door again.

OK, Joe - do you want to salvage this marriage?

I know how you feel about your baby - believe me.

Please don't go jumping to custody worries right off the bat. You have a shot to salvage this if you want to.

For now, please understand that there are LOTS of folks here who have been where you are. The fact that she is pregnant with your child is a HUGE advantage for you.

Do you know if OM knows about you? Is it possible that your wife has duped him into thinking the baby is his?

Edited: I think Bryanp may be right on this time.

WAT

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 02:11 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

OK....I've calmed down a little.

WAT:
I do want to salvage my M but how can I if my W is not on board? I have read that a marriage can be saved with only one person working at it, but I just don't see how. I love her so much, she is my first and only true love. I just want us to be a family.

I have read your quick start guidelines for betrayed spouses and have tried to apply them but this is so hard. You said that "There is little or nothing you can do to separate the afairees", so what should I do? If she wants to sleep around then that is her choice, but how can I stand by and allow her to expose my unborn son to God knows what (She has already contracted one STD)?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Broken_Joe:
<strong>"There is little or nothing you can do to separate the afairees", so what should I do? If she wants to sleep around then that is her choice, but how can I stand by and allow her to expose my unborn son to God knows what (She has already contracted one STD)?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do not know of what is legally available to you to protect your child. I fear nothing is. But are you SURE you're the father? Re-read Bryanp's post. Pretty fishy.

Assuming the baby's yours for the moment, you can turn your understandable rage into constructive actions. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A because you cannot control her.

Please read up on Plan A and read everything else you can find on this site. You'll discover that her lies are similar to every other WS described here - including those of WSs who woke up.

A marriage cannot be saved by one spouse. You cannot clap with one hand. BUT - your start is with one spouse - YOU!! You are the only one you can control and change - this is the essence of Plan A. And you must do this before the marriage can be saved.

WAT

Joe,
How awful to have to think of this mess instead of rejoicing about the baby! I'm so sorry for you.

I don't want to throw fuel on the fire, but you mentioned your W contracted an STD from OM...is the baby ok from it? I know some STDs can be very harmful to unborn babies. I don't want to add extra worry to you, but there is no gentle way to ask <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I wish you the best of everything possible...God bless

Wish I could say I didn't believe it either...but I do. Sorry, you've been put in this position.

I've got several thoughts running around in my head, hopefully, I'll get them all down in one post...if not...you'll get several.

First...agree with others, once child is born, do a DNA test.

Second...once child is born...if you so choose...a father has just as much right to custody as the mom...and proof of an affair will only make your position stronger. So keep records just in case there is a need.

Third...while it's very true you can't control what your W does, you can make it harder!!! I'd cancel that ski trip! No way would I go!!! And I wouldn't inform her of the cancelation until the day I was to leave! I would do whatever was necessary to make it harder and more stressful to carry on the affair.

Fourth...I'd get rid of this "friend" of your W which is helping them have the affair. I'd confront this "friend" and tell them I know what they are doing...and that it is to stop as of NOW!

Fifth...I'd print out that email with details of their upcoming meeting...and on the day I was surposed to have left on my trip...I'd give it to my spouse! And I wouldn't say one word! I'd listen only!

Sixth...I'd tell my spouse that lies will NOT be accepted. That the truth will only be accepted with proof! She's lied, lied and lied somemore...and no longer will it be ignored.

Seventh...yes, one spouse is capable of holding a marriage together for the SHORT TERM...but you can't do it along long term.

Just my non-MB guideline opinion!

So sorry Joe...I couldnt even begin to understand what is the matter with her.

First of all if you are in the US you have really no way to protect the unborn child legally. (Thank you Pro-Choice Movement). However the fact that you are married bodes well for you. Even if the OM were the father legally he is no one. Once that child is born you have all the rights. Children born during wedlock are the husband's legal heir regardless of biology. You would have to renounce the child and the OM would have to take responsibility...however in many states still this is no factor. In NY and CA for example there are several husbands paying CS to children not biologically but legally because of marriage statutes there. Maybe this is not the best news but it does give you some power...Also if it sadly comes to divorce the STD could be admissible if the child is exposed...or there was a possibility the child was exposed.

Can I ask...what happened here? Has she lost her mind? And she needs these so called friends of hers like she needs a whole in the head. They are leading her down the path of ruin. She is too willing to follow. I know you probably need a break but I would be on her 24/7 until that baby is born.
And is the OM being duped as well. Is he aware of you, does he think the baby is his...and are you sure the baby is yours...sure beyond what she is telling you? If in your mind and heart you know the baby is yours make sure that you stick with that feeling. There is nothing crueler to a child than abandoment of the only parent they have ever known because of their parentage. And let's face it...it is not the baby's fault as to who its father is.

One thing is for sure she is going to look back and regret this...man...if she is only crying crocidile tears now wait until the real one's hit.

Hang in and fight for your child...right now your the only reasonable parent the baby has.

ayslyne

ditto wifey - and I don't think it's too "non-mb." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Wish I'd thought of the "cancel ski trip" recommendation.

That said, DO NOT rage and be confrontational with interactions if you follow wifey's suggestions. Be the Good Joe, the Compassionate Joe. The point is NOT to fight fire with fire, but fight fire with water - cool things down. Chill. Be calm, cool, and in control. You are the better man and you don't have to prove it.

If you can't act controlled, go skiing and take it out on some bar stool because continuing what you've been doing is NOT productive. This doesn't mean you're not justified, just still too emotional.

WAT

Joe,

Your words are essentially my words a few months ago. My anger has subsided quite a bit and I am now in more control of my emotions. I am not out of the woods yet (I still LB from time to time), mostly she is the one who gets angry. You see, I am no longer "adding fuel to the fire," by my angry outbursts. She was using that to justify her actions in the form of "see, I cannot be with him anymore." I think even her family is beginning to see that.

What advice can I offer you that hasn't been offered? Very little. I still struggle, I still hurt the worst hurt of my life. Last night I spoke with my W to ask how her job interview went and I got my a** chewed out for something very stupid. Very valid to her, but stupid in the grand scheme of things. I cried and cried, it was like being punched in the stomach but I survived it and I feel better now. Just remember life will not be this way forever. You and I and everybody in this board will go on.

Learn to control your emotions. Count to 10, take deep breaths, post, I don't know what works for you. This is the hardest test of your life. Know that there are a lot of people here willing to support you. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. Don't do like I did; I am ready to send the Plan B letter but unfortunately feel like my Plan A was very deficient. I don't think I made it safe for my W to return to me. I am at a point that if my W returns to me it will be because she feels forced to and do you think I'd like that? No. I still welcome it but I don't like it. So do not do like I did, learn to control your emotions sooner, learn to shut up. She is not the person to vent your emotions.

Be patient and grow closer to God. He will help you get out of this mess.

Be well.

One more thing... Do not facilitate their affair. Do not make it easy on them. Cancel the ski trip no matter what the cost.

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>