My question is after having an affair(2 years long) and then both deciding to stay married...How do you get over that OM...it is like having a whole relationship with him and then just having to let him go...

Jen,
I suggest that you start reading all the posts that you can on this site, there are so many that deal with what you are going through. You might have to do some back tracking but you will find so much valuable posts from WSs and their advice for other WSs.

Welcome and I hope it starts your path to healing as it will be a long journey for you.
Best thoughts and wishes.

You will be getting posts from some very wise people that have walked in your shoes. Just be patient. It took you 2 years to get to the point you are at, I'm sure it's going to take a long time to learn from it and be a healthier person for going through it.

Jenaca,

Why did you choose to stay married? Figure that out and then focus on that. Start looking at what this person provided for you, and think less about "HIM". He was a stand in for something that was missing in you. Use the time that you will be obsessing about the OM and turn it towards yourself.

Yes, you have to let go. It doesn't happen over night, and it IS VERY painful especially if you were deeply involved emotionally. (I also had 2 years to dal with so I do know what you will go through.)Read, walk, drive, call a friend......do anything you can to avoid contacting OP. There will be times when the urge to call will be SO GREAT that you will feel like you're loosing your mind. This is when you need to really rely on your reasons for leaving and say focused on your goals.....

Are you planning to or have you told your spouse of the A?

I am not even sure why I have chosen to stay married...I am so confused with everything that has happened...and me and the OM work together, so it is really hard not to contact each other at all...but i am going to try your advice about calling a friend, etc. I haven't told my husband anything about the affair, nor did he tell his wife. Which I know that this affair has been the cause of alot of problems between me and my husband, I have gone through all the stages of depression, etc. over this man, and my husband has no idea why I go through them. Did you tell when yours happened?

This is difficult but you made the decision. Statistics show that it is less than 3 per cent of the time that new marriages last when conceived in an affair. Try to focus your energy into your marriage and your husband. I do not know if you were found out but ask yourself if you wish to end up divorced if your husband should find out. I would strongly suggest that you be honest with your husband about your affair and move into joint marriage counseling.
You need to know what made you betray and cheat on your husband and try to focus your energy and fix it. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want your husband to be honest with you what he has done and then work as a team to fix your marriage. To keep this to yourself you are not allowing your husband to work as a team with you.
I do not know if this will help but ask yourself if you really wished to be with a man (OM) who could so easily cheat on his wife for two years lying and betraying her (I know that you did the same).
Would you seriously ever really be able to trust each other in a long term relationship. Be honest with your husband and get into counseling and fight like hell to make your marriage stronger. If you keep this to yourself the problems in your marriage will continue and you will be still disrespecting and betraying your husband by not being honest. If you truly love your husband then you will be honest with him. I wish you luck.

Jenaca -

I did worse - You might want to read my posts and Hopeful Person's posts. I can provide you a link.

Short Summary for me -

I ran off to Hawaii with OP while SO was in Austrailia on an extended business trip. E/A had been going on.

Moved out about two weeks after I returned. (4 days after the September 11th Tragedy) P/A began

Stayed on my own in and out of "R" with OP for almost an additional year but was gradually coming to understand the bigger picture and wanted my family back.
Went to Las Vegas with OP with every intention of moving home when I returned. (There was a VERY legitimate reason for LV which I do NOT wish to disclose) SO was through. He met someone and did not want me in his life any longer. Ended contact and have NO DESIRE to see OP.

Still trying to make amends for everything I did to hurt the one's I LOVE.

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Jenaca-

I'm sorry to read that you find yourself in this situation but you've come to the right place for good advice. Take some time and do as much research on this site as you can to get a better understanding of what you're facing. As a BS, I will tell you that in hindsight I was SO thankful that my XWW had the courage to come forward and tell me about her A. I can't imagine what I would've done if I had found out on my own. The fact that you still work with the OM leaves you in a precarious situation so I'd suggest that complete honesty with your H ASAP is of the utmost importance if you really want to save your M. Good luck with all of this and keep us posted...

bryanp,

Statistics show that it is less than 3 per cent of the time that new marriages last when conceived in an affair.

Could you please give the details on this study. It would seem difficult at best to conduct such a study accurately. I am working on my MSW and taking an independent study on research methods and may pursue this as a topic. Thanks. tew

First you look at what you really had with the other man. Being in love is a state of mind more so than a state of reality...even with our spouses. Reality is that love is only one component of marriage. You may have had an in love feeling with this person but you also did not have a real relationship with him either. There was always an element of dishonesty involved. You have no way of actually knowing the evolution of this sort of relationship. With the OP you both have the chance to be who you want to be for the moment. Beyond the things you think you love about this person consider some other facts. He is someone who is not dealing with his commitments head on...your relationship is perfect proof of that. He is someone who is a competent liar since he can withold such joy at being with the "real love" of his life...namely you his OW...from friends, family, coworkers, basically anyone else that mattered. He has little respect for marriage or the confines thereof. He is a man who could risk jeopordizing both his wife and you by engaging in sexual relations with you both. He was a man so worthy of your love and respect he met you in secret for what purpose? To fulfill his own needs whether they were physical or emotional.

How do you fall out of love with the OM? You realize you were never in love with him in the first place...an intelligent, self-confident woman does not fall in love with a man like that. You created an alternate reality with him to escape whatever problems that loomed in your own marriage...you had no relationship with him...no commitment with him and no love with him. You had relief and escape. You made a mistake. Ofcourse he always understood, always said the right thing, always knew how to make you smile...Why? because your reality was all an act...there were no real consequences with you...no bills to discuss, no dirty laundry, no inlaws...it is easy to have an understanding ear when you arent the one who really has to live in the marriage. You to lived in surreal moments. Welcome back to the real world.

Hopefully you are on the road to healing your marriage...no other person can fix the problems in your life...not the OM...not your spouse...you have to do the work on you. Then you can be a valuable person in your marriage.

best wishes

ayslyne

To Tewtm,

I found that statistic you mentioned a month ago in some journal which I will have to look up.

There is a site at the following address: http://wordscapes.net/affairs-facts.htm
which you might find interesting.

It claims the following:
*60% of all marriages are affected by affairs
*Over 75% of affair marriages end in divorce
*Around 15% of women and 25% of men have more than 4 affairs during their married life.
*Fewer than 10% of affairees divorce their spouse then marry their lover
*Over 75& of those who do divorce and marry their lover divorce again
*Nearly 80% of those who divorce during an *affair are sorry later
*For those whose marriages survive an affair, recovery takes between 1 and 3 years.

I hope this helps!

I will check into it. Thanks. tew

Jenaca,
The title of your thread caught my eye. I've walked down the same path as you....it isn't an easy one. Like you, I fell in love (or is it the "fog") with the wrong person. Trying to fall out of love with him has been the worse pain I've ever endured.

The wonderful people here on MB helped me tremendously, but I'm not out of the woods yet, by any means. I have to give a big thank you to ayslyne for her recent reply to you. The points she made are so very true, and brought tears to my eyes. When you look at the facts she mentioned, is he really worth all of the love and tears that he is causing?

In spite of the way these guys made us feel, we have to face what they really are....deceitful and selfish. Someone once told me that falling in love wasn't wrong....my heart just chose the wrong person to fall in love with.

Some days of your recovery will be harder than others. Some days will be "trigger" days when everything you see or hear will remind you of him. But remember that the days will get better. Remember that healing takes time.

I hope you can begin to re-direct that love to your spouse. I wish you the best.

DJ

Bryanp, thanks for posting that link about the site with the stats. I read some things there that I've never heard before, and that really opened my eyes.

The most interesting line I read was this one:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JB

I JUST WANTED TO SAY "THANKS!!" TO EVERYONE THAT ANSWERED MY QUESTION OR HAD SOME ADVICE...YOU ALL REALLY HELPED ME SEE THINGS CLEARER. THE AFFAIR ENDED ABOUT A MONTH AGO, AND AFTER READING EACH OF YOUR REPLYS, I KNOW THIS IS DEFINETLY WHAT I WANT AND THAT I AM READY TO HEAD DOWN THE ROAD TO RECOVERY. I KNOW THAT ALL THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON, AND WE MAY NEVER KNOW WHAT THAT REASON IS, BUT I ALSO KNOW SOME THINGS WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE....AND I NOW SEE THAT THIS AFFAIR WAS NOT MEANT TO BE. THANKS!!!!

If it just ended, you're still going through withdrawl -- which is very very hard.

I wanted to comment on some things Ayslyne said to you:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How do you fall out of love with the OM? You realize you were never in love with him in the first place...an intelligent, self-confident woman does not fall in love with a man like that. You created an alternate reality with him to escape whatever problems that loomed in your own marriage...you had no relationship with him...no commitment with him and no love with him. You had relief and escape. You made a mistake. Ofcourse he always understood, always said the right thing, always knew how to make you smile...Why? because your reality was all an act...there were no real consequences with you...no bills to discuss, no dirty laundry, no inlaws...it is easy to have an understanding ear when you arent the one who really has to live in the marriage. You to lived in surreal moments. Welcome back to the real world.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"You realize you were never in love with him" I don't think thats true for most of us WS's. Even looking back now, I know that I DID love OM. No question about it.

"A man like that" Ayslyne, you have no idea what kind of man he is. Jenaca hasn't even given the slightest description of him in this post.

And the description of the "reality" -- no bills to pay, no laundry, no in-laws -- well thats true of the beginning of ANY relationship. When I started dating my H there were no bills or laundry either -- does that mean that we weren't really in love? All relationships start out the same way.

You can't trivialize the feelings. Jen, its hard to get over. Just like any relationship. Good luck to you.

Jen,

Welcome to MB! If you spend much time reading the posts on this website you'll see that you will need to tell your husband about your affair.

It's a step that needs to be taken that will help answer the title of your thread. There's a great chapter in His Needs/Her Needs that talks about why telling your spouse is necessary.

It's the only way to begin the journey to have the kind of marriage MB shows us is possible. The ball is in your court. Do some reading, give it some thought, then give your husband the gift of radical honesty. Blessings, CSue

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lexxxy:

"All relationships start out the same way. "</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dynamically speaking, yes it's true that all relationships start the same, BUT the difference is that A's are based on lies and deception in order to freely engage in them. Those same lies and deception eventually turn on the affairees. Sure so called open and honest relationships may also be filled with lies and deception, but not to the degree that A's are because they do not depend on lies and deception for their survival. So under those conditions, is the feeling of love felt by the WS based on reality or fantasy? I would say most folks will say the latter.