Hi all..to those who have read and replied to my previous posts, I thank you...I only told part of the story before...I need to tell my whole story in its entirety...It is very very long, but I need you to get a clear picture of all of it so that way you can form a solid opionion...please bear with me...here goes:

14 years ago, Feb.3, my H and I moved in together. He was 18, and I was 20. We are only common law married. However, we assumed the vows of matrimony, and spoke them to each other privately. We both came from poor families, and could not afford a wedding. We planned to do that later...later never came.
Although my husband came from a single parent large family, he seemed very well adjusted and happy with himself...he had some resentment towards women though...his mother walked out on a husband and ten children when he was just four years old, and never looked back...And he held deep resentment for her. But he did not let that resentment run his life. He was very kind, gentle and loving towards me.. And I ate up every bit of it and craved more. I was very selfish and needy, and I soon became dependant on him. And he said that was the way he wanted it. He wanted me to depend on him for everything...He was afraid of losing me.
I came from a different sort of family. I was sexually, emotionally, and physically abused as a child for a very long time. And I saw things..horrible things children should never see. I watched my step-father cheat on my mother on several occasions...he always took my brother and me with him to her house...I don't know why...and I watched him point a gun in my mothers face and try to run her over when she left him and he came and kidnapped my younger brother. I had problems...a lot of them...and I never sought help for them..I never told another living breathing soul about any of it until I met my husband.
Not long after we got together, we started having frequent arguments over stupid little things. I was a very jealous and controlling person, and I wanted him all to myself...I did not want him to have other friends...I was very insecure and I still am.
Soon, those arguments started turning into fights. I started becoming violent. I felt so much rage inside me that I just could not seem to control it. At first, he never fought back. He would just wrap his arms around me and hold me tightly until all the fight was gone out of me. But I began to notice him changing. He began to give less affection, and less attention,and started becoming distant...And my anger and insecurity grew. Soon, he started fighting back. (I don't blame him for that.)
Three months after we moved in together, I became pregnant with our first child. We were both ecstatic. Things settled down for a while...but as my hormones started changing, so did my sex drive. I absolutely did not want it. My husband tried to be patient with me about that, but I could tell it was making him feel rejected and insecure.
After a little while, the fights started again. And as the pregnancy wore on, my anger and rage grew to an all consuming thing...it seemed to take on a life of its own. I was out of control and I did not understand why. And the distance between me and my husband just seemed to be growing. Late in my pregnancy, I started having nightmares and flashbacks, but I could not put anything together. Still, I did not seek help.
When I went into the hospital to have the baby, there were serious complications. I had to have an emergency C-section. And I ended up with a srious case of post-partum depression. I could not seem to love my child no matter how hard I tried. And I was jealous of her and the attention she got from my husband. And the guilty feelings I had over all that only fueled the already out of control rage inside me.
One day, my dear, sweet, compassionate husband looked at me and said,"I will give her up if that is what it will take to make you happy."
That simple statement opened my eyes. I knew he did not mean it, but it scared me nonetheless. And I vowed that I would love my child. And I did grow to love her.
But my anger still grew. When she was just three months old, I became pregnant again. One night, my husband and I got into a terrible violent fight. I was throwing things at him, and hitting him, and he got enough. He picked me up by the front of my shirt, and shoved me hard against a wall. I went through the sheetrock to the outer wall... not long after that, I lost the baby. And even though I knew I would not be able to carry the baby, due to a very recent C-section, I blamed my poor husband for murdering our baby. Every time we got into an argument after that, I brought it up and threw it in his face, and he began to believe it.
Over the next few years, things settled down a lot. Most of the fighting stopped, and we became very distant. We were drifting further and further apart. He was in his little world, and I was in mine. Somehow, we ended up having two other children. I guess you could say we were like room-mates who had sex once in a while.
When we found out I was pregnant with our third and final child, it was a shock. Our son was only a couple of months old. And we had been using protection.
Anyway, I guess the responsibilities started piling up on my H and he became overwhelmed. He started talking about a seperation to get his head together, and I would not hear of it. I pressured him into staying using everything I could think of to use against him. And he stayed, and we had the baby, and life went on.
He started nursing school about a year later, and a year after he started, I started. Then in the middle of school, we decided to pack up and move away, and start over in another town. He transferred to another college, and I decided to wait until he was through.
Well, we did start all over..one month after we moved here, we met a guy that was friends with his sister. And we became friends with him. He was funny, and talkative, and he made me laugh. He paid attention to me when I talked. And I found myself thinking I was falling in love with him. We drank together all the time. Drinking seemed to consume most of my life...and we started having an affair. The first time was on New Years night.
My husband quit school, and went to work, and I quit my job. And I told my husband I was in love with the O.M. And he moved in with us. My husband was willing to do anything to make me happy. And I knew this and I used it against him. He began to reach out to me more, and I liked it. But I still thought I was in love with the other man. I became confused. I kept telling my husband that I was not in love with him anymore. And he overheard conversations between me and the O.M. Me telling him that my husband didn't mean anything to me. I was selfish and stupid. The affair went on for almost a year. I think...I was drunk most of the time during those days...my husband told me when I had sex with the O.M. because I could never remember. And still I could not see the damage I was doing. I was lost in my own little world. During this time, and up until recently, I started having a lot of memories coming back to me about my past. I slowly began piecing things together. And I became very confused, and even more angry than before, although I hardly ever became violent any more. I hated myself, and I hated life...and I was willing to do anything to make myself feel good again, no matter the damage I was doing to my marriage and my family. I kept using the excuse "you only live once" to justify what I was doing. I simply did not understand the pain I was causing, and I just didn't care. At that point in my life, I did not care about anyone or anything but myself. When my husband begged and pleaded with me to stop, I would say things to him like "I thought you loved me enough to want me to be happy." Or I would threaten to commit suicide. I had always been a suicidal person, and my husband knew that.
Then one night, it all came to a head. I thought that he was asleep, and he wasn't. He walked in on us sitting naked on the couch. It was his breaking point. First, he attacked the O.M. I took that opportunity to be a coward. I threw on my clothes and ran out the back door. The car would not start... he had removed something from it. I knew he was coming, and all I could do was sit there and wait...and I knew I deserved whatever I got. And he came. First he beat the crap out of me, then he dragged me back into the house. He tore my clothes off of me and began to have sex with me...I know some people would consider that rape...but I really don't feel like it was...but that didn't stop me from accusing it of it. I convinced him that he raped me...And I began to throw that up at him as well. I called him a baby killing rapist. And I knew it hurt... I loved him...I knew I loved him...But I could not seem to stop hurting him...and I did not know why. He was nothing but good to me...he gave me everything I ever wanted...But still I had to hurt him...
After that, things settled back down. We began to talk. He told me he still loved me, and he still wanted to marry me. And things began to look up. He buried his anger and resentment and life went on.
(more in next post)

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 10:13 PM: Message edited by: cheatedandregretit ]</small>

To answer the question of your post, your M MAY BE saved IF BOTH of you want it badly enough, but even though right now you are the only one that has any desire for it to happen, it is a step in the right direction because in the beginning of trying to save a M, one of the spouses has to be the one that makes the first steps.

Just as your H waited for your A's to be over with your OM#1 and OM#2, you now will have to wait for his A with the OW to end. This is NOT going to be easy, as you already have experienced, but it will give you time to become a much more attractive choice to your H. I will suggest that you get a hold of the Harley books 'Surviving an Affair''Love Busters' and 'His Needs Her Needs' and read them more than once (go to your local library if you can not afford to buy them).

Right now your H has an image of you that is far from attractive, and in order for him to start beleiving that the M can be saved, you will have to make some positive changes in your personality. But don't start with the mindset that it's going to happen overnight because you know very well that it won't since there is a lot of bad historical baggage that has to be gotten rid off before any positive breakthrus on his side start to show. It might serve you well to realize that even if your M comes to an end, the changes you make will help to liberate you from your own troubled past and put you on the road to a better life for you and your children and that is one powerful reason to make those changes in yourself.

Peace be with you.

Cheated,

I had read your earlier posts and didn't really have much to say. I have read part 1 of your story and now have a lot to say.

I like the CoffeeMan think there is a chance, but it seems to me rather than worry about your H right now, you need to address your issues with your childhood abuse, your anger and physical lashing out, and your need to control your H (which I suspect is part of your dealing with the childhood abuse).

On the short term I think your H needs to hear some sincere and heartfelt apologizes from you. And the very first one in my book would be "baby killer". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I doubt that it will erase from his mind allof the times you called him that, but it is a start.

Frankly, I cannot imagine how he endured being married to you, I just cannot. But he did for 14 years so there must a strong love there, and some deep needs of his you met. So I suspect there is hope.

Also remember that he has no friends because of you, no one to talk with about this stuff. I suspect that this new woman is someone that at last he can talk to about all he has endured or all of the pain he feels.

Cheated, I will remind you of a saying that I think really applies to your situation: "The opposite of love is NOT hate, it is indifference." I worry that your H has reached the point of indifference. I think that you should not address his A right now. I do hope that you can start a dialogue with him. Not about him ending the A, but about how you feel now. Apologize, discuss issues and let him just listen.

Frankly, given your fits of rage I can see where he would not feel safe opening up to you. WHy he would lie to you. It is truely self-protection. He has endured so much I doubt he is protecting his ego, or self-image; there is probably little left. AGain the OW may be like a drink of cool water after being in the desert for all of these year.

This can and probably will wear off. You two do have a family, and he is clearly strongly attached to them.

So after we hear the rest of your story, please consider getting help for yourself, and start affirming to your H as you have done here that he isn't the "baby killer" you have been accusing him of for years.

I must it admit, it takes a brave person to post a story like this. You are to be commended.

God Bless,

JL

Just Learning nailed it when he said that you have not created a safe environment for your H to be honest with you, and without this there can NEVER be true intimacy between the two of you. So one of your goals, if you still want to save the M, is to tie down and gag your Taker to prevent her from sabotaging all your hard efforts to save the M.

Anyway, A few years passed. We still talked about a wedding, but we still could not afford one. Then he finally decided to go back to school. I found a good paying job at a prison nearby. And he went to school..his sister went with him. They studied together, they talked about school together, they went on school trips together. And I began to get extremely jealous of her, and I felt isolated and lonely. And again, I found myself leaning on another man. I began thinking I was in love with him..and I told my husband. This man happened to be an inmate. We never had a P.A. It was a serious E.A. I kept telling my husband that I still loved him, but I was not IN love with him. I kept telling him I was in love with the O.M. I felt my husband giving up on me slowly, but still I did not seem to get it. I even took my husband on a tour of the facility, just to meet this inmate.
Then the inmate moved away. He called me a few times collect, and then that stopped too. I found myself in a very deep depression. My husband tried to comfort me...how cruel was I? He held me when I cried...over another man...I knew he still loved me...but still I did not get it. Soon another man stepped in to fill the void..another inmate. I had humiliated my husband and made him feel like he was nothing...and still I kept doing it. I told him again that I was in love with this O.M. Another E.A. After a while, it became clear that if I did not quit this job, I would be escorted off the premises. They were onto me. So I quit. My husband had finished school. The O.M. send a few letters, and I sent a few back, but I soon realized that I was not in love with him, and I stopped the contact altogether.
Not that long after that, I told my husband that I was still trying to find myself, and that I was curious about things I had never experienced. During this time, we had become more like friends. Friends who still had sex once in a while. He still stayed.. We still slept in the same bed together.
Anyway, one of the things that I told him I was curious about was black men. I had never been with one, and I wanted to know what it was like. So I started chasing one who lived in the same town. We went out partying together a few times, then eventually wound up spending the night together. We talked most of the night. There was a little touching and kissing, and we held each other, but he said he could not have sex with me..so I came home, and crawled in bed beside my husband. I could tell he was upset about it, but he tried to believe me when I told him nothing happened. He asked a lot of questions about it, and I was honest with him. Then the O.M went around telling people that we did oral sex, and that made things worse. It was completely untrue,and I don't know why he lied, but my husband did not believe me anymore.
Then I met a black man on the internet. We made a date. My husband tood me to where we were supposed to meet, and waited with me until he got there. I spent the night with him in a nearby motel...About 4:30 or 5 the next morning, my husband called the O.M.s cell pone. I was not sure it was him, so I called home..and it was him, and he was very angry. So I came home..And after a couple of days, his anger seemed to subside, and life went back to normal.
Anyway, that was the last affair I had. That was sometime last spring or summer...Slowly, I began to realize what I had been doing to my husband. I began to realize what I had been doing to myself..and my family. I began to realize that I was in love with my husband, and I needed him...I began to realize that the reason for all my anger was my past...though I still do not know why I directed it at the only person who really truly loved me and stood by me throuh all of this. I began to make myself sick. I tried to spend more time with my husband, and start being more affectionate.
A little over a month ago, on the Sunday before Thanksgiving, my husband informed me that after he dropped me off at work, he was going to go in to his job, and work on charts. (He is off on weekends). Even though he got all dressed up, I believed him. My sister in law, who lives with us, called me a couple of hours after I got to work and asked me where he was at. She said she called his work and he was not there. And he had left the cell phone at home. I got worried...I called his work, and they said they had not been expecting him, and they had not heard from him, but if they did, they would have him contact me...As the hours passed,I became frantic with worry..I started calling local hostitals and called his work again...still nothing...I thought maybe he had broke down someplace, but I threw that idea out instantly...Always...if he breaks down, he calls and lets someone know. It hit me then how much I loved him and needed him...and how cruel I had been to him over the years...I was terrified that I would never see him again. Then another idea took root...and it would not go away, no matter how hard I tried to push it away. It hit me like a ton of bricks...He was with another woman. It was the only explaination...I knew it as surely as I breathed. I could feel it. I got sick...And I waited. When it was time for him to pick me up, he showed up, right on time, and happy. I went ballistic. I clocked out, and met him at the car...and demanded to know where he had been...he said he had broke down, and sat on the side of the road all day...and he fixed the car and just sat there...thinking....for 8 hours...and he was squeaky clean...and his hair was damp...he said it was sweat, but it was cold outside....So I sniffed him...and his hair smelled clean....And I knew it was a lie...he said it never occured to him that anyone would be looking for him...his pregnant sister was at home with her kids and ours, and it never occured to him that anyone would be looking for him?
Even though she had called him at work frequently before? So I accused him of being with someone else....but that night was a wake-up call to me....I had to tell him how i felt...and I had to save my marriage. I wanted to start over...from scratch...I told him...he didn't believe a word out of my mouth. And he said he didn't think it was possible...up until this point, he had still acted the same as always...he still acted like he was in love with me...he still did things for me...thoughtful things...but now he was angry and defensive...I begged him and pleaded with him to give me another chance...he said I was pressuring him and he needed time to work through his anger. So he told me that he needed to start taking time away by himself...he suddenly grew a friend in the city, that worked with him, a male friend, and he wanted to go see him. And he informed me one day that after he dropped me off at work,(it was a weekend again), that he was going to go see this friend. I asked him why he never spent time with the kids anymore on weekends, since he never sees them during the week. He works evenings, and they go to school during the day. He said he would be home in plenty of time to see the kids...and I believed him...just as he had convinced me that maybe he was telling the truth about the night he dissappeared...
Anyway, when he showed up to get me that night, I asked him what time he got home...he told me 9:oo..the kids go to bed at 9:30...and I got off at 11...that gave him enough time to see the kids for 30 minutes, then sit around for 30 minutes, then get back in the car to come get me. I got angry, and started making accusations again...and he got defensive and clammed up again...he would only tell me that they watched tv and talked...that the guy was having problems with his wife cheating on him...the same woman I suspected that he was seeing. And thats all he would tell me...but somehow over the next week, he convinced me it was the truth. Then a couple of weekends later, on a weekend that I was off work, he informed me that he was going to see his friend again...I did not want him to go...and we started arguing...he told me that he was going whether I liked it or not...he said he would not, and could not let me control him anymore...that he needed his own life...that for 14 years he had done what I wanted him to do with no regard to his own feelings, and now he was going to do what he wanted to do. And he left...and he was gone for seven hours...and the cell phone was turned off, and I was here by myself with 5 kids and no car...and I got very very angry. When he got home, he told me that they had just talked and went for a walk to the mall a couple of blocks away, and walked around in the mall...and it took me a while, but I wanted so badly to believe him, that eventually I did. And we talked...and he told me that in 14 years he had never cheated on me, and he wasn't going to start now...he said he had no sex drive anymore...and that he could not have sex with me without seeing me with someone else..(although he had no problem doing this up until the night he disappeared)...and that he would be honest with me ane tell me if there was someone else...and I believed him..And I trusted him....
The weekend before New Years, we had a big fight...I was getting ready to move out...and I called the kids into the room and told them that we were going to grandmothers...and they started crying...then he said he would just leave for a couple of days, and he told them that everything would be ok, and got them calmed down...He was very angry with me...and I don't blame him for that one...I talked him out of leaving, but he said he was going to go spend the night with his sister anyway...he said he had to work the next morning on dayshift, and it was a sunday, and that he would see me after he got off work...then he left..
The next day, after he got home, we talked some more, and we decided that I would take the kids down to my moms for a few days, and give him time to think and work through some of his issues....he said he would go to work and come home, and use the time thinking about us..and trying to work through some of his anger so he could make love to me again. And I believed him...because he promised...and he told me he loved me...so on New Years day, he took us down there, and said he would be back saturday to get us...and I said I would not call him and bother him, and he said again that he would be at work or at home, and that he would call me everyday...and that he loved me...then he left.
He called me when he got home that evening, and said he might go down and play a game of pool...he said it was lonely...I said ok...about 10:30, after I had sat there and got to missing him, I decided that I just needed to hear his voice...something just didn't feel right...I was missing him really bad, and I just had a bad feeling all over...I just wanted to hear his voice, and tell him I loved him and good night...So I called....and he was gone...so I called the bar, because that was where he said he would be...he wasn't...so I called the cell phone...he was on the road...I asked him where he was going...he said he was just out driving around....it was 19 degrees outside...the car has no heater...and he gripes about it in the cold...but he was out driving around...so I asked him why? He said he just decided to go drive around for a while...he got angry with me for calling...and I knew...I knew he was going to see another woman...I did not sleep that night at all.
The next morning when he called, I asked him what time he got home..he said around 2am...I asked him why he spent 5 hours driving around town in the cold...he got defensive and said he wasn't going to talk to me about this anymore, and that nothing was changing...I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt...and I was trapped at my mothers two hours away from home until saturday...
That evening, he called again, and said he had a bad headache, and was going to spend the night at his sisters so he wouldn't have to drive all the way home....I asked him if he was going to go home in the morning to feed the animals..he said he had to go home and get a uniform anyway...I said ok...the next day, I waited until about noon for him to call...our son was sick, and I decided that he would like to know, so I called him. No answer...So I called the cell phone...no answer...again and again and again...he finally called me about 1:30....I asked him why he hadn't answered the cell phone..he said he did not hear it..he had gone in to work at noon, and had it on silent...I did not believe him...I askded him if he had gone home to feed the animals...he got mad and said "I told you I had to get a uniform...Yes I went home" and I asked him why he had not called, and he said he had not had time..he'd had to rush around to get everything...ok...that was on Friday...he said he was going home tonight, after a late meeting and that I could call him there at about 1:30 if I was still awake and we could talk a little bit...I said ok.
(will finish in another post)

I called him that night...and he had gotten home about an hour earlier and he was already asleep, so he didn't want to talk..he said he would see me tomorrow...I was hurt, but I said ok...
Saturday finally came. I called him around 10:30 and he was still asleep...so I told him I was ready to come home..he said he would be on his way in a little bit...He showed up and we talked...I felt a little bit of hope...He said he was angry...at himself and at me, and that me telling him that I was in love with him again had made it all resurface. But he thought that there was a slight possibility that there was hope for us...so on the long ride home, we talked on and off. I started asking him questions about New Years night... The night he took us down there...and again, I knew he was lying...he kept changing his story...saying he couldnt remember...then he said that he had went to the motel where I had spent the night with the black guy and sat in the parking lot for a while...I could still tell he was lying...We talked all evening...he became angry and said that he was cold and dead inside, and that he didn't see any hope for us at this time...He flip flops back and forth...That night when he was almost asleep, he asked me how I would feel if he told me that part of him wanted to have sex with another woman just to see what it was like. I asked him if he had already, and he said no...it was just a hypothetical question...He said he didn't really want to...I became angry because I knew he was lying to me. He went to sleep, as he has always been able to do when we are arguing...The next day, I tried to talk to him again...He got defensive...he told me that he could not talk to me about his anger because I was the one who caused most of it...we talked some more...and he said he would try to talk to me about his anger later, but right now, he needed me to go to the store...I grabbed the cell phone and left...On the way, I decided to check the phone book...And there it was...The O.W.s Phone #...I was instantly angry...but I decided to wait until I got home to talk to him about it. But he called and my mouth suddenly had a mind of its own, as it is so prone to do. I convinced him that I had called her, and I knew for sure when he said, "we'll talk when you get home," that he had been with her. At first he tried to get the phone away from me...but I would not give it to him until he talked...I was determined not to let my anger get the best of me, but when he told me that he had slept with her, and when, I went ballistic...I latched onto his face with my fingernails and dug. I pulled his hair and beat the crap out of him. And he never fought back...and I wanted him too...I wanted him to beat the living crap out of me...I thought it would make the other hurt less...Ironically enough, It was New Years night....the very night he dropped me off at my mothers after he promised me that he would spend this time thinking and working on "us"...and the 6th (not the 7th) anniversary, to the day, of the first time I had cheated on him....and also that very night, before he left to go to her, he filled out the ENQ and the LBQ...and on the ENQ he listed honesty as his 1st and only EN...and on the LBQ, he listed infidelity as the #1 LB. How messed up is that?
Anyway, after I beat the crap out of him, he stopped talking...I didn't blame him...I was immediatley ashamed of what I'd done, and I knew I had done some serious damage to an already broken relationship. He said he was leaving...and I blocked the door, and wouldnt let him...so he just laid down...and cried...and I knew how much I had hurt him...He had just caused me the Godawfulest pain of my life, and I felt sorry for him...anyway, I finally got him to start talking again...he told me that it only happened once, which I still don't believe, and that he didn't enjoy it (didn't orgasm) and then he got dressed and came home...He said he spent the next night with his sister and got up and went to work and worked a double, and did not in fact come home that morning like he had said...I asked him where the O.W.s H was at...he said at his mothers....I asked him why he lied to me...he said he didn't know....I asked him if he had had this planned all along...he said it wasn't planned at all...that he did not even think about going over there until after I called him..and he said he was angry and just needed to talk to someone, and that one thing led to another...I don't believe him...I think it was planned...I asked him what he would have done if the H had been there...he said he didn't know....that is how I know it was planned...he said he didn't even call...he just went over there...then I asked him if he used protection...and he lied and said he did....It was the look on his face...and if it wasn't planned, where did he get it...and he said she had some....and I can't get any more out of him...I am still determined to save my marriage...after all this...I love him more than life...I have already forgiven him for what he did, even though I know he is still lying to me...but I feel like I am getting at least part of what I deserve...a small taste of what I put him through...I know he will never be as cruel to me as I was to him...I feel a lot of pain over the things that I have done to him...I have apologized, but he says my apologies are empty...
and he still can't believe anything I say. I am trying to get help for my problems and be a better person...I really am trying...At times he will tell me that maybe there is a possiblilty there is hope, but most of the time, he simply acts like he could care less...He says that he still loves me a little, but that he can't be IN love with me right now..He won't take that risk....And he won't get help to deal with his anger....he refuses...
And I want so badly to be his friend, but I can't seem to shut up....and now he doesn't even know if he can be my friend. He did promise to never see this woman outside of work again, but he gave her a ride home last night...I don't know what to do...I love him...and I want to be his friend...Its just that I have never been anyones friend, and I don't know how...Is there any hope at all? Can this marriage be saved?

Cheated,

Yours is a very complex situation. And you really need professional help to deal with the many issues in your marriage. But, I will offer some advice for you to consider.

Stop quizzing him about the OW.

Go to a strong Plan A. The part of plan A you really need to focus on is the part where you address your issues and LB's. My recommendation is that you focus on anger management first. I don't see him really coming back emotionally if you are physically attacking him. It is abuse plain and simple.

Second, address your controlling manner. Yes, allow the A to work itself out.

Third, have a conversation with him. I mean a simple conversation about the weather, the kids, football, anything but his A and your apologies right now. I suspect the strong attraction to this woman is not the sex, it is someone to finally talk to that makes him feel good about himself. You understand this don't you? It is the reason for several of your affairs.

Third, realize that 14 years of abuse by you is not going to be overcome by apologies. It can only be overcome by a serious change in your behavior and attitude.

Finally, to answer your question. After reading your story, I think the answer is yes your marriage can be saved. It amazes me to say it, but from what you said he does still have love for you. It is going to take some really really hard work for it to happen.

But, finally Cheated I want to offer you something else to consider. Think for a moment what kind of image of marriage you have planted in your children's head. THink how the abuse affected you and realize how seeing their mother attack their Dad, constantly fighting with him, the screaming etc. How has that affected your children? Is this the image and methods you want your children to adopt?

You need to make these big changes for your children. You need to make them for yourself, so that no matter what happens in your marriage you can be happy. Finally, if you make these changes for yourself, they are likely to be permenant. Your H won't trust them for a long time, but he will come to trust them as time goes on.

When you set the goals for changing, make them things you can quantify. For example, if you get angry, before you say a single thing identify what is causing you the anger: pain, fear, emotions, lack of sleep, booze? Whatever it is stop and address it. You can do that. You have mentioned drinking as a problem. Quiting would be best, but limit your drinking to a glass or two,once or twice a week.

Make goals that you know you can reach and do them.
Frankly, I would not talk to H any more about this A. He doesn't care what you think right now. He feels he deserves to have a "friend". Work on you and how you behave around him, how you behave around your children. I think that will go a long way toward showing him the woman that loves him.

Cheated, think long and hard about this. Address your issues, and I suspect gradually your H will see things differently. He has buried alot of pain, a lot of anger, and his own view of himself is probably pretty poor. He will need help, but only when he is ready. Meanwhile, you get the help YOU need.

I hope that something I have said will help.

God Bless,

JL

After reading your posts, I can't help but think that the both of you need some serious help and guidence. I honestly don't see either of you being emotionally strong enough to deal with everything that you both need to deal with, individually and as a couple.

Neither of you have ever truly bonded into being a couple. jmho With your many affairs of the past, in which he was an active helpmate at times (blows my mind), would have kept the two of you apart emotionally. He wouldn't have been able to bond to you because of your affairs and the fear of new betrayals, and you weren't able to bond to him as you were seeking out others.

You MUST get professional help. Your childhood issues need to be resolved before you're going to be a stronger and healthier person on your own, before you can be a stronger and healthier partner.

Your H and you both need to do some serious work on anger management. Spousal abuse is NEVER acceptable! NEVER! Just because you both have no control doesn't take away from this fact. Attacking your spouse is WRONG! And until BOTH of you can find out why you react in this manner, learn new anger management skills...either of you could be a headline story in the papers tomorrow about a man/woman killing their spouse!

You've got some hard work ahead of you both. If either of you or both of you are not willing to get down in the dirt and work harder then you ever have in your life...this is going to end badly. JMHO

You've got a family to consider...both of you are teaching them lessons in life and how to deal with problems. It's sad to say, but the lessons they are learning will only lead them to commit the same mistakes they see.

YOU MUST STOP!

IF...a big if...you and your H wish to save your marriage...then getting professional counseling is something you must do. I don't care how much it costs...you must find the resources. There are many services which take into account finacial hardship and will charge on a sliding scale. There are churches which have counseling which may be free or of little cost. Find out what is available in your area.

You can save your marriage. You can make it a healthy, happy, and more loving marriage. But...you've got to do the work to heal it.