Sorry it has been so long since I posted guys. I still can only access from WH computer and now that it is mine, I can access more.
WH spent 2 weeks for Christmas with OW. It was planned that he would return on the 6th of January. I didn't contact him while he was gone and recieved a small email from him apologizing for not calling me for Christmas. Said OW's phone and internet had been out for 2 weeks.
What a bunch of crap. Anyway, the day before he is due back, I head upstairs to get something out of the kitchen and lo and behold. The OW is standing at the top of the stairs, greeting me with a very perky "Hi"
I turn around and go downstairs freaking out. Come to find out she had driven hubby home to pick up the rest of his stuff.
So my WH and I step into our bedroom for a talk and he says that maybe moving will get him out of his funk. He tells me they slept together and I flip out. Throws the whole family for a loop. So I leave for the night and when I return in the morning he is gone. The night before as I was leaving I say to him, you might as well be honest since this is the last time we will see each other.
He starts crying hysterically, didn't think it would be the last we saw each other.
I tell him he is a disgusting pig for sleeping with her and hope he has a happy life.
We calm down and when he finally lets me leave he is hugging me saying this isn't good bye it's see you later.
So he isn't back in Washington for 12 hours and he has called me twice. Emailed me twice and we chat on aim every night this week.
He says he is homesick and he misses me more than he thought. Wants to get a job up there and see how things go but is planning on moving home.
I said something stupid during our second phone call. I told him the bridge between us was still standing and I was still here for him. Probably a stupid mistake. He told me I didn't know how happy that made him.
What does it all mean? What do I do? Man I am soooo confused. Any advice.
Layli

Layli,

Good to hear from you but sad that you are still not in a happier spot. This 'game' your H is playing c/b because he is confused also. Guess that OW is not that great, ya know!?!?!

Well now the time has come to ask you. What do you want? Do you want him back as is or what?

You can use this time to do some real soul searching.

I mean, does it really make sense that he wants to come back as he is taking his stuff to the OWs?

I let my WS know that his actions didn't match his words so I needed to to think about what he said and didn't give away my feelings. He would then search me out and ask me how I felt. I gave vague answers. When I did that he would ask more. The dialog came from him which was a switch.

He kept reminding me that the A was not that great or not as great as I thought. I told him I can't tell so what??!? Then I told him that he needed to be happy. Seems like OWs don't want the W to see the H happy. Gets them to LB all over the place. At least the wacko OWs do that.

Spend this time strengthening yourself. I know it is a confusing time but you are doing better than most right now.

hang in there.....

L.

Thanks so much Orchid. I agree on the soulsearching part. Spent hours on here tonight pouring over old posts. i was so excited to get a reply.
The answer is this, yes, I would take him back. Now I see the power of plan B. He is very homesick and reaching out to me. I try to keep things light and hopeful. Letting him know I am here for him but with a solid plan of moving on with things.
I know he needs to come to the conclusion that he needs me. I can't make that choice for him. He also told me he knows now I didn't cause his depression. Good, glad to hear it I think.
I know our old marriage is dead, just trying to stay hopeful and optimistic that maybe this is what he needed to open his eyes.
Thanks sweety,
Layli

Just wanted to add something really quick. Before WH left I gave him some pictures of our wedding and our cats. He asked me to make copies of all our wedding pictures and a copy of our wedding video? What do you think that means?
Thanks,
layli

Hi Layli

I never feel terribly good at giving advice to other people, but wanted to lent some support to you.

I think it is good that a) you have made a decision in your own mind about your WH and b) he is showing signs of regret about his decision. I think the video and pictures thing seems almost like a dual message to me - if he was planning on moving home, why does he need a copy, but equally, if he's planning a future with OW, why does he need his wedding pictures etc?

So, now you have made your decision about your H, what do you plan to do? You know that you cannot change him, so can you Plan A him from afar? Is he planning on moving away? I didn't quite understand that bit of your post. He clearly seems to be showing doubt about his R with OW, by his response to you about never seeing you again. Maybe it's that old slice of reality rearing it's head <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Keep us posted on what happens, and glad to see you back at MB.

Wishing you well from London.

Lisa

Thanks for your post Lisa.
I guess maybe it is the fog about the wedding pictures. I guess that's why whenever we talk it is always I miss you TONS.
I just don't know if I should act like the friend or the wife.
I hope if Knewjie reads this she might give me a bit of advice on what she did when her H was in Wa with OW.
I don't want to send him mixed signals, I don't want to be his buddy. I want to be his wife. The situation is reversed and now I am the computer "friend" and she gets him in real life.
I guess I will keep plugging away at being there for him and hope it is the right thing to do.
Thanks guys,
Layli

bump
Still need input, not sure what to do.

Layli,

I'm not much for advice giving, but I did the same thing you are-- being a friend to him. I told my H that all I wanted was for him to be happy and I was there for him--kill with kindness and love. My problem was he wasn't allowed to see her and that put her on the pedestal, so I contacted his boss and asked that the No contact letter be removed because it wasn't serving a purpose. I showed that I supported him and loved him no matter what.

Well it lifted and guess what she cheated on him even after he told her the NCL was going to be lifted. She slept with a guy for a week because she was mad at my H and then moved in with her ex. The kicker was Wednesday after the NCL was lifted she made love to my H, cried and told him that they could now be together etc... and then two hours later left a message saying she never wanted to see him again and that she didn't give her marriage a chance. This was my H's wakeup call and every good and supportive thing I did (even though it hurt like hell) showed through on what a TRUE love is and what the FOG addiction is. Now he is back and willing to give 100% to me that he was giving to her. It is my hope that through hard work from both of us that our marriage will become stronger and more fulfilling for both of us. It was pure hell for me, but I have children and I had to give it my all. It worked out for the best for me and my family. I hope this helps. You will be in my prayers. Stay strong and true to yourself.

Barelyholdingon

Wow, sounds rough but I hope things get better. Thank you so much for replying.
I can't even imagine what the next little while will be like. I guess I will do just that, listen, be there but maybe this time apart will show him what he really wants.
At least now he isn't blaming his "funk" on me.
He told me it wasn't me making him depressed.
I guess I will just hang in there.
Good luck in your situation and keep posting.
Hugs,
Layli

Layli

At least now you are back in contact with your WH. Do what makes you feel comfortable, and does not hurt you. If you can give him love and support "as a friend", then do so. If your ultimate aim is to restore and recover your M, it may just be that you have to behave in a slightly different way from how you would truly want to at this time, i.e in the manner of a friend rather than a W.

It's all so difficult. I admire your strength and willingness to continue.

Thinking of you in sunny London.

Lisa

Layli,

I wanted to let you know I saw your post but I do not have time to respond right now. I hope that later today I will.

Until then, hang in there, you will be ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

K

Thanks everyone,
I look forward to your response Knewjie.
Feel like were kindred spirits a bit with the similar situations.
Hugs,
layli

Well now it has been 2 days with no contact. He was supposed to call last night but didn't. I can't get any sleep. I do fine all day but then the night comes and I ache for him.
So much for being positive.
Why do they hurt us? How do we become so unimportant to them?
What if this is as good as it gets?
Layli

Well, just thought I would give a quick update again.
WH called me last night and we talked for 2 hours. He is miserable and wants to come home.
He said if we worked things out, he could never look me in the eye again.
I told him that I ddn't love him with conditions. I told him he was human and made a mistake and I actually gave him some advice given to another ws in his position.
The only mistake is continuing the mistake.
I told him I just wanted my marriage back and that I could forgive what had happened.
I pointed out that he stood by me through some harsh things I put him through when we were first married.
He said, "Lisa, don't even compare what you did to what I did. What I dd was much worse and there is no way you can compare the two. I had no right to put you through what I did."
I just told him that maybe now is when he will discover the people that truely love him and will stand by him.
He talked about how we both went through selfish phases in our marriage and that maybe this time around we could focus on each other and the marriage rather than ourselves.
He said he realized he was in a funk and by getting away it took the pressure off, but it also made him realize how much good he had going for hm here and how much the good brought him up in spite of the bad.
He major LB'ed OW while on the phone with me. Talking about what a bad cook she was and how much he hated it there and how psycho her kids were. He actually said, "I like her but I don't like her that much." In regards to dealing with her problem kids.
I just told him that I loved him and believed we could have an amazing marriage. That maybe this was something we had to go through to have a good marriage.
He told me his wedding ring was in his pocket and he held it when he was homesick, which was a lot.
I just said I was glad it gave him some comfort.
I told him the day I put it on his finger it was for better or for worse and I meant that. He replied wth. "I can't imagine doing anything worse to you."
I told him we could get into MC and IC for him. We could learn what we did wrong and grow from it. Just treat it like a new beginning.
He liked that idea.
So I hope this is the fog lifting. I am trying to be positive and hopeful but cautious.
Thanks for listening,
Layli

Wow Layli,

Good to hear. Cautious but good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take it slow for now. He is trying to heal and hearing that he gets homesick a lot is a good sign.

take care,
L.

Layli

I think this is very positive, but agree with Orchid to be cautious. Words are words, but actions definitely speak louder. I do think that to recognise the pain he has caused you is very important, and it is a good sign that he is holding on tightly to his ring - wish my H would.

I wanted to post to you before when you sounded so miserable, but by the time I got round to it, things seem to be improving for the better. Also, I wouldn't have known what to say to you - there are no answers to those questions.

Thinking of you and wishing you well from London.

Lisa

P.S. Layli, are you really a Lisa too?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Layli, This is a very hard time for you and don't expect him to be thinking straight. My H. says he misses me too and wanted to be with his family and he was but then he shared time with her too, so like Orchid and Lisa have said it is actions not words that count. It is hard not to react, And I do that a lot so it is better for me to just not see him right now.

Thanks to you guys for getting back to me.
i love when I come and read new posts.
Yes Lisa I am a Lisa too. Layli is an anogram of my name. I am going to stay cautious but hopeful. I know this is just one of the many hurdles we will be going through.
Just for the first time in a long time there IS hope. Hope that we can do this together.
I know he will have withdrawls and maybe even backslide. I definately remember what happened to Knewjie.
But the hope feels good and the good night of sleep I got last night felt really good.
I just appreciate you guys and this sight so much.
Yes I was very down the other night but hope sprongs eternal in my eyes.
This may not work but it might...and for now that's as good as I need.
Love you guys <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Layli

HEY BABY!!! I'm so sorry I'm so late...I read your post last week but it's been a NUTHOUSE here. Soooo busy...which isn't exactly a bad thing.

Anyway...this is my opinion. I think that YES reality is causing your H to come out of his fog. I also believe that you have a FANTASTIC chance of recovering and living happily ever after <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But here's the thing. Right now, although he's realizing that YOU weren't the cause of his issues and that this woman isn't the soulmate he imagined...he's still playing the same games. Only now he's using you as the OW and she's the wicked wife. It's my opinion that you need to let him deal with the bed he's made completely. Being his friend only adds a level of comfort to his life that keeps him where he is all the longer. I'd let him know that you care, that you want the best for him, and that it's your dream to be together as a happy family once more...but that it will take changes on both your parts and that he is going to have to take responsibility for the mess he's gotten you BOTH in to and do something about it before you'll be there with open arms. I'm not talking about slamming doors...I'm talking about setting boundries. Because right now he hasn't learned anything about changing the course of his life, he's just learned that at this point he didn't choose a better one.

See, I'm afraid he's going to come crawling back and be happy for a while...maybe offer some changes but nothing he'll really stick with for any length of time...and then he'll wind up falling in to the same pit and who knows. However if he REALLY wakes up and deals with his situation on his own...comes back begging for a second chance at which you set up guidlines to follow (for instance only so much computer time a week, and supervised!!!)...he can either agree to them 100% or go back to misery.

I know you probly aren't a tough love kinda girl...but you don't have to be mean to set strong boundries. Just be STRONG!!

Just my opinion. I've missed you!!! Take care of you!!!

HOPE!!!!!!
It was sooo cool to hop on tonight and see that you posted. I agree with you 100%. I even joked to him that I felt like the OW.
Her kids are driving him crazy and he is getting away from things down here. I just let him LB the crap out of her and try to be loving.
I did tell him on the phone last night I would come get him when he wanted to come home. My whole thing is I need to know that I am not going to be a consilation prize. The lesser of 2 evils so to speak. I need to know he is coming back for us.
That is why I am in no way pressuring. I just let him know that I love him and believe we can work through this. I also keep in mind where he is and who he is with. Plus I remember when Knewjie's WH came back the first time and then went back to OW.
I just figure I will keep an open mind. Feel good about the fact that he misses me. Makes me feel good about myself.
He was sick and his parents rushed in and sent him 100$ and a care package. I feel like he needs to suffer a bit for what he has done.
Plus, I am not going to be able to jump back into things being like they were before. In ANY sense.
I just hope he sees the same future I do and that I am a part of it. He kept saying over and over, I just don't know if we got together how I would look you in the eye. I hope I told him the right thing. That I love him and it isn't about keeping score.
I agree with the tough love thing. It is very hard for me because even when someone puts me through a bunch of crap I hate to see them hurting. I am getting better after being here though. I would be so lost without everyone here.
So post me back and tell me what to say on the phone or how to be. I don't want to go overboard and I need help on the boundaries thing. I know you're busy so I will wait patiently.
Thanks hope,
you rock,
Layli