Look at it this way Layli...I KNOW you don't like to see him suffer and I also know that it's extremely difficult to not lend support and comfort, but by doing so you're not only enabling his confusion and DELAYING his healing, but also YOUR OWN!! You both have to walk through the fire, you cannot walk around it. It HURTS to do so, it's hard and it's not fun...but it's where you're at.

What do I think you should do? I think the next time he calls you should be quieter than usual, not say much, and then have something interrupt your phone call so that you have to end it before he's through. I know you enjoy hearing his voice and especially like the ego stroking he's giving you...but it's putting a bandaid on a broken arm. It feels good right now but it's not enough.

Then I think the next time he calls you should be unavailable. Go ANYWHERE. Library, walk around a mall, find a part time job or somewhere you can volunteer once in a while, go to church or attend some sort of a meeting somewhere. Do something productive for you so that you can start to feel better without needing that external stroking, and at the same time allow him to deal with this ON HIS OWN.

And after a couple of missed phone calls, and most likely some frantic emails or a letter of some sort...I'd issue a loving Plan B letter. I'd tell him that this whole situation has torn you up inside and that you'd love nothing more than to work towards reconcilliation and forgiveness, but that none of that can happen until he makes up his mind completely and deals with his life and his problems on his own. Let him know you won't be available to speak to him or see him again until you have a promise and PROOF of that. And I'd tell him that in case his decision leads him in another direction, you love him and thank him for the years you did have together. Basically a goodbye forever unless you come back to be a HUSBAND and intend to prove it.

See, I think that would REALLY pull his butt out of the fog. TRUST ME LAYLI, you're talking to the Queen of a 2 year fog. EVERY TIME someone soothed me I was right back in. All I needed was for someone to make me feel all better and I was back to confusion and anger and whatever. It wasn't until I isolated myself for about 6 months and then basically got the Plan B treatment from my H that I pulled my head out. You ALREADY plan A'd...he KNOWS you love him and he knows you're willing to make changes. There's nothing to be gained by holding his hand through the consequences HE CREATED and hurt YOU with!!! LET HIM FALL!!! It'd be the MOST loving thing you could do! And for the record, I came to resent the enabling that others did for me. He could actually turn your desire to help him against you and claim you're just trying to confuse him more etc...etc... Just let him go and let him come back on his own. DO NOT offer to come get him. He's a big boy, he'll make it on his own.

I hope you'll atleast take some of my advice to heart Layli. I think you've suffered enough and you KNOW it's not the end of your marriage I want to see. I honestly think (and from personal experience) that a solid Plan B is the QUICKEST and least painful way to get back to a normal life again. If you continue this Plan A, it will string things out all the longer. Look at 2long (now T-zone). He refuses to do a Plan B, and now he's running out of love units and may wind up divorced because he's too scared to just take the leap and TRY a Plan B. PLAN B WORKS!!! ESPECIALLY when the WS expressed love for the BS!! They love the BS, they just believe they don't have to live by their boundries. Plan A for life MIGHT work eventually, but it will guaranteed take longer.

Please consider it. I love you Layli!!! I want to see you happier and healing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Catch ya in Narnia!!

I so agree. I am going to do it. he is supposed to call tonight and I am going to do what you said. I think I have to do plan b for my sanity and I think I have held his hand long enough.
What great advice. Plus it helps so much knowing you have been where he is.
I am actually leaving for a part time job interview right now.
I have to do something because his wishy washyness is just putting me into a massive funk.
So I am going to be brave and do what you said.
BTW Lance bought me a puppy for christmas and she has a third nipple.
Coincidence, I think not.
Thanks babe, I am so greatful for your friendship.
Lot's of love back at you!
Layli

Ok, here is my sample plan B letter, tell me what you think and don't shy away from telling it like it is. (BTW that was sarcasm LOL)
Dear WH,
Just wanted to drop you a line. I haven't talked to you for awhile. Mom is in the hospital again and I have been busy working the 2 jobs.
I want you to know how very much I love you. I would love nothing more than to start working towards us getting back together and healing the pain we have both been in.
This whole situation has really torn me up but it was something I was willing to go through because I love you and am deeply committed to our marriage.
I have come to realize that none of this can take place until you make up your mind completely and deal with your life and your problems.
I won't be availible to you until you can offer me that.
It is too hard for me to just be a casual friend to you when I want and need more.
I need to be a wife, who along with her husband, is willing to do what it takes to save our marriage.
That is a choice you need to make on your own.
I guess I am just saying I want it all. All of you not just a part of you.
If your decision leads you in another direction, I guess I will use this as an opportunity to thank you for all our wonderful years together. Thank you for your love and understanding. Thank you for loving me the way I am.
It was a most precious gift and one I will treasure forever.
As I close, I hope with all the hope in the world that your path leads you back to me. If it does not, have a wonderful, happy life.
With love,
Lisa

So? Too sappy? Too wordy? I can't mess this up and I am sure I could use some fine tuning. I know if I continue to be his security blanket this could go on indefinately. I love him and so want to be his wife but I now know I need to protect the love I have for him.
I can't be the OW in my own marriage.
I can't play games or court my husband. I did a good plan a for almost 6 months. He knows already what he is missing and to allow him to check in from time to time is wrong.
I only want him back if he can make the clear choice of me.
I am making a big list of pro's and con's and trying to find positives either way.
Either we come back with this with a stronger marriage or I learn lessons that I can apply should I travel down the marriage super highway again someday.
Hope you are sooooo wonderful. You give me that kick in the butt when I need it. You and Lance would get along sooo well.
Thanks,
Let me know what you thought, hope I didn't plagarize you too much lol.
Love,
Layli

quite good I'd say. I wouldnt start though by 'just wanted to drop you a line', but more purpose-fully like 'I thought about our situation many sleepless nights' or something like that.
also, I would make the 'cant be available to you ' point stronger. like adding 'this means, I wont answer the phone, your emails etc etc as it will just cause unnecessary pain' or something

<small>[ January 16, 2003, 03:48 AM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

Nick,
thanks for your reply. that was the point I felt I was a little weak on. I think i will change it to say, I can't be availible to you because it is too painful. So until you come to that point I won't be availible on the phone, on aim or by email. I also think adding the sleepless night thing is a good idea as it is 3 am and I can't remember the last good night of sleep I had.
Thanks so much for the feedback.
Hope your recovery is going well and thanks for reading my thread!
Hugs
Layli

AWESOME!!! It's short enough it all gets across. It's a HUGE dose of reality, and in a loving STRONG way!! And I like Nicks suggestion to change the opening line.

How does it feel to write it?? A mixture of emotions? Do you feel a little strength stirring up in there???

I guarantee this is going to freak him out, so be prepared for just about anything! Figure out what your list of requirements will be for actually letting him back in to your life. Things like that. The thing is his first reaction will most likely be one of panic and so he'll do whatever he can do from where he's at to get reassurance that you're still waiting for him. He'll try to pull you back under what he considers his control of the situation. It's nothing personal about him, it's a WS fog thing. I was horrible at trying to manipulate things back to a comfortable level...NEVER intentionally...it was more like a defense mechanism.

So a puppy with a third nipple?? IT'S FATE!!! And what did you name him/her? Please tell me it wasn't Chandler? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I have a worthless house cat I'd happily send to you. I'm not sure how many nipples he has, but he certainly is MISSING a couple of somethings <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I try to use that little fact as a bargaining mechanism around this house full of BOYS (H, our son, both the dog and cat!!!) but they just don't seem to be too worried over it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OH, one other thing that came to mind. Is there any possibility that the OW could read your letter? I wondered if putting a line about you not being comfortable being on the other side of the fence and watching him do to her what he did to you type of thing...might not be beneficial. Because if she DOES read the letter she's going to want to know what he's been saying. It'd be a nice big LB and I'm sure in his panic it'd cause a huge fight.

If she wasn't a girl she would have been Chandler, she is Kiki. Loveable buffoon that she is.
I am a little confused about your last post. So I SHOULD say something about not being comfortable being in the other position.? I am sure the slag will read it. I WANT them to LB each other so exactly what am I going to be trying to say?
I have my list wanted to ask you about it.
1. No contact with her.
2.Limited time on EQ. While I am home and access to all his chat logs for a long time.
3.Check up for std's.
4.I want his email password and I want to be there when he checks his mail. The computer will be passworded so he can only have access when I let him.
5.IC for him and marriage counseling for us.
6.Either has to enroll in school full time or get a job.
7.Will fill out every questionaire on this site.
8.He deletes every picture and every email she sent him. Destroys letter she sent him during affair.
Am I being too strict? Be honest. IO am going to fine tune the plan B letter and ship it off after I have been unavailible for awhile. He sent me an IM message last night about falling asleep and missing calling me. Sent me a smiley kissy face thing that afternoon. I am soooo not going to be availible when he calls tonight. Teach him to forget calling me. Plus I have to go see my Mom this weekend so I turn my phone off when I am out of town.
I added a few things to my letter. I changed the beginning to read, This is a hard but necessary letter for me to write. The pain and confusion over everything has really been weighing me down.
I also added I wont be availible to you in anyway until you can offer me this. That you choose US over your relationship with OW.
So I need to add that other part in but I am not sure I understand where you are going with that so I will await your reply to finish it.
Thanks so much for all the great advice. It was actually a big relief when I was writing it.
I realized that having him in my life in this way just intensifies the pain for me, no matter what he says he is still there with her and not here with me working on us.
I have had enough pain. I am tired of hurting because of love.
I know I can still love him but as long as I am enabling him to live in this happy medium for him, I am prolonging MY pain.
I guess I went through my angry phase last night.
You were right, I made ammends and admitted I needed to change, the hurt beyond that was his doing and must be undone by him. If it isn't I can't respect him and if I can't respect him and can't give myself over to loving him freely.
Hope that made sense.
Let me know,
Much love,
Layli

Ok I rewrote it and will give the updated version for inspection.
WH,
I have thought a lot about our situation during these weeks of sleepless nights.
I want you to know how very much I love you. I would love nothing more than to start working towards us getting back together.
This whole situation has really torn me up. It was somrthing I was more than willing to do because I love you and I am deeply comitted to our marriage.
I now know that none of this can take place until you make up your mind completely and deal with your life and your problems.
I won't be availible to you anymore (No phone calls, emails,etc). It is just causing me unecassary pain and turmoil.
It feels so good to hear that you miss me and love me. It is just heartbreaking knowing that as you say these words to me, it is her you are with.
I want so desperately for you to choose us. Come home and work on this marriage.
It is too hard to just be a casual friend when I want to be what I am...your wife.
I guess I am saying I want all of you, not just a part of you.
If your decision leads you elsewhere, thank you for the wonderful, happy years you gave me.
Thank you for loving me and understanding me better than anyone ever has.
As I close, I hope with all the hope in the world that your choice leads you back to me.
I hope you understanf that the emptiness I feel with you gone is just exacerbated when I hear your sweet voice and your kind words.
I am sorry but right now, without a comittment to us, it is more than I can bear.
If our paths do not cross again know that I love you more than I imagined I was capable of loving another soul and I will always miss you.
Goodbye my love,
Lisa

I think it sounds great Layli. My point about not liking being on the other side of the fence was just in case she did read it...so that it would cause some major LBing between them if she didn't realize he's speaking to you in such a loving way and so horribly about her. Actually, I think saying something along those lines would be FANTASTIC because then he'd DEFINATLY not want to share the letter with her, and there'd be a big secret between them. She'd know it...she'd push him, and he'd blow. Yup, put something about how it doesn't make you feel good to hear him talk badly about her because it only reminds you of how he must have spoken about you to her. That'd be a nice burr under the saddle.

All in all I liked the tone of your first letter better...a little less "please oh please come home" and more "look, I love you but this isn't going to cut it". But I'm a tough love kinda gal. It's the ONLY darn thing that works on me...cause I'm pretty thick skulled. But your reconstruction is very good too. Very loving and your pain is very evident. That's a good thing for him to be aware of.

Yes, be unavailable...as much as possible. Because you can't detach while still getting warm fuzzies from the little tidbits he's throwing you. GET ANGRY...use it to your advantage. Anger actually helps keep you from being depressed.

excellent now - go for it.
good luck!
N

Thanks for the input guys. So Hope, is that how your husband dealt with things? Did he get angry? Because I am definately in that stage. That is why I tried to be kind in the letter, I am so angry and he hasn't even called since Monday. Except for that small IM email. It makes me feel like he just used me as a crutch to get through the first part no to heck with me.
Screw what Lisa needs. To hell with the fact that I told her I would call and email her all the time.
I WANT to be unavailible.
He is just crying wolf to make sure we are all there as back ups in case life with her doesn't go like he planned.
I'm pissed. I guess I went overboard being nice in the letter because I was afraid of being too malicious.
I am sending it today.
With your added part. I added it in when I said It feels good to hear that you miss me and love me and that she is not everything she was cracked up to be. It just makes me wonder what you said to her about me when we were together. Then I took out where I said I wanted him to choose us and come home and work on this marriage.
I am sick of being a backup instead of a partner, plain and simple.
So let me know, also what about my list of things. Too strict?
Thanks babe,
Love,
Layli