uc,

I would wish you luck but you don't need it. You are a wonderful caring Father and that is what will get you through the day...NOT Luck.

Have Fun and Enjoy that wonderful little man of yours. 5...what an endearing age. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

committed

Visit with my son...

As soon as he entered the bedroom where I was waiting for him he had a big smile on his face. He was so happy to see me!

We spent two hours together all in a small bedroom but he didn't mind it one bit. We read a Veggie Tales book together, listen to some music, played several different games and ate a snack together. He loved it! At the end he was sad and a little upset that it was only for two hours; he didn't want to leave. He left reluctantly.

I did not see my W at all nor even heard her voice. I can't imagine the hurt I would have felt hearing or seeing her.

There was NO conversation whatsoever about the problems. He chose to tell me about what he does and about his room, OM, his kids, their pets and so forth. The only complain he had was about the younger boy. He's had the same complain about him since they met almost a year ago. The boy is not very well-behaved as my son puts it.

I did talk to him about the points above. His answers were pretty innocuous.

1. School: "no, I'm not going." I didn't say anything else.
2. I really didn't ask this one because he chose to tell me himself, how he plays with the dog and the cat and watches movies.
3. Snow: "No, I haven't played outside." I didn't say anything else.
4. I told him his friend has been asking for him and told him I would send him her invitation. He didn't respond at all.
5. He learned to dial my number and did it right the first time. He told me he was going to put my number in his pocket.

That's it.

After he left, it hurt quite a bit. What hurt? The fact that I only saw him for two hours and the fact that the person I love most in my life was leaving that house with another man.

I rate the visit an A-. The minus due to the limited amount of time. I am proud of myself for exercising self-control. When he would tell me things about what he's doing, etc., I had the urge to ask him more, especially as it dealt with his mom but every time I would tell myself, this is about my son not about her and would not ask him anything. He saw an emotionally strong, confident, playful, caring, loving dad. I concentrated on him and our time together, as hard as it was because of the constant OM this, his daughter that and so forth. And as hard as it is because this is so terribly hard. I am finally learning!

<small>[ January 18, 2003, 06:48 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

uc,

I'm so glad you got to see your son. Even if only for a couple of hours, it's a start. More will come and you won't be confined to a tiny room when it does.

I think it's great that he was so excited to see you. You kept your focus on the two of you and made the very best of what you had to work with.

I know it's frustrating to have to worry about what his mother is telling him about the situation and you. Just keep doing damage control and ease his worried, little mind the best you can. Never be the bad guy if you can help it.

I bet he's looking forward to seeing you again. Have you any plans for the next time with him? Try and secure a date from his mom A.S.A.P. That gives both your son and you something substantial and real to look forward to.

It sounds like you did great. wtg!

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I don't mean to bring this to this board, but on another board I am being labeled a controlling husband because of the way I've handled the situation with my W since she disappeared on me and failed to notify me of our my son's move.

Any thoughts? I really, really hope I don't fire up a storm here like I did on the other message board.

utterly confused,

Another board on the MB site?

committed

UC,
as I understand it, you are not divorced yet, or legally seperated. Consequently, there has been no custody order yet. Could you not, the next time you have visitation, just take your son, the way she took him from you? You still have just as much right as she does to have custody.
Michael

Michael, I could.

In fact it has been suggested by various people that I could do that if I believe my son is not in the best environment, however, I think about the effect this would have on my son should my W react impulsively and I rather let the legal system take care of it.

committed,

It is not another board on the MB site but rather on another site about affairs.

opb UC,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't mean to bring this to this board, but on another board I am being labeled a controlling husband because of the way I've handled the situation with my W since she disappeared on me and failed to notify me of our my son's move.

Any thoughts? I really, really hope I don't fire up a storm here like I did on the other message board. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">uc,

All in all I think you'll get lot's of advice and suggestions on this site, both good and bad.

You have to wade through it all and decide what works for you and your situation.

Your thread is more than welcome. I like a good storm once in a while. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

jmho

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

For those of you who are familiar with my story...

In light of everything that has transpired the last couple of weeks, does it even make sense to send the Plan B letter? What is there to salvage from this M? At this point I am not even sure myself I want her to come back. The hurt and the lies she's caused me have caught up with me.

Any opinions? Thanks.

uc,

Has your parenting order been filed and are you now actively acting on it?

The reason I ask is because I don't think I would rock any boats until that is COMPLETELY done and in effect (such as your designated times lain out and at least one parenting time has happened). It would not take much to set her off. She could start attempts to stop any order you might have if she thinks you are in "control" mode.

If all that is in order....are you planning on doing a Plan B? You don't want to send a Plan B letter just for letters sake. It doesn't seem to me that one would be necessary unless you are practicing the Harley principles in order to save your marriage.

Maybe you are farther along in the process since you have had to take such actions to see your son. I would imagine that you might be past a Plan B. I have to admit, I am not the best person to answer that because when it reached those proportions for me, it was forever lost. So, take my thoughts with a grain of salt.

JMHO
committed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by committedandlovingit:
<strong>uc,
I have to admit, I am not the best person to answer that because when it reached those proportions for me, it was forever lost. So, take my thoughts with a grain of salt.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, committed, I think you gave me what I was looking for. You are absolutely right, sending anything at all would rock the boat too much. As I said, I'm not sure this M can be saved, I'm losing hope day by day.

Once the legal process is settled regarding custody and visitation, how do I start grieving my M? The last couple of days have been especially hard for me because I think I am beginning to realize there is nothing to salvage.

Last time I spoke with my son was last Sunday and I spoke to him again tonight for an hour! Last night I decided to call my W and left her a voice mail telling her I would appreciate it if my son could call me. Short, polite message.

He sounds happy, keeps telling me he is very bored in that house, wants to see me tomorrow but mommy says she does not know when he can see me.

He told me he was at a store a few days ago and he threw up on the floor, went home and threw up twice more. He says it was because of a cookie he ate. ???

I was uncomfortable with this so I called our friend who's acting as messanger/mediator if she could call my W and find out more info about this. She called me back and said it was last Saturday when this happened after he saw me. She told her basically the same my son had told me. They did not know what it was and he is OK now.

OBSERVATIONS

What happened that Saturday? I don't know but it seems it was no big deal. He ate part of a sandwich I made for him and went to the restroom fine before leaving. I find it hard to believe that a cookie would make him throw up, but I have no way of finding out and he's fine now anyway, so I'll let it go. The question that nags me a bit is could it have been emotional?

So, after my son spent time with me they went to a store. Those are the plans my W had? That's the reason her son could not spend more time with his father? Once again, I can see where her priorities lie. Remember she insisted the visit end at 3:00pm because she had plans.

The irony of life. My W decided to stay at home with our son for the first few years of his life. She was ready and eager to return to work and be outside of the house. Both times I've talked to my son, I've asked him what his day was like, what he did that day. His answer was "we stayed at home all day," both times. The day I found out they were here I went to the OM's house and she apparently was alone with the kids because when I called OM's work they told me he had just left.

So, what's my point? She seems to be doing what she's always told me she hates, staying at home, taking care of kids. Several friends have told me that all OM is interested in is a mother for his children and regular, steady safe sex for himself. My MIL actually told me AND my W the same thing soon after d-day. Could this be true? Could this be happening to her? Maybe it is a temporary arrangement, I don't know and I know what all of you will tell me and that is to forget about her. I know, but it's hard. I still love this woman (although this is dying by the day) and I know I could have offered her much more, she deserves it. What is going to happen when the romantic feelings fade?

Once again, she refused to let me take my son to church this Sunday and she's still unsure about this Saturday's b-day party.

Sometimes, I think the legal system is too slow.

It's CHURCH!

Arrrggghhh.

uc,

I understand that she has moved in with the OM and taken your S with her. What I don't understand is why she thinks of you as the enemy. Why does she want to keep your son from you? Why is she trying to punish you?

My D was kept from me, but it was in an attempt to punish me for daring to end the M. If I wanted out of the M then I was no longer entitled to parent my D right? WRONG!

Your situation is different. You do NOT want out of the M. You are not a WS. (nor was I) You've mentioned anger on occasion. Could angry outbursts be part of the reason she is distancing herself and your S from you?

Not accusing here, just better trying to understand your situation. So long as she sees you as a foe to do battle with, the M will continue to deteriorate.

jmho

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ January 24, 2003, 06:58 AM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

ba,

Shortly after d-day I told her I would do anything in my power to make sure my S did not live with the OM until some time after our divorce. I believe she's afraid that I will take him away from her and like me she cannot do anything to get him back.

Legal action has been taken, so it's just a matter of time before I can see him freely.

I may be the enemy because I've been the one preventing her from being with OM i.e.: our marriage. As she told me shortly after d-day, she hated the fact that she was married when she met the love of her life (OM). Well, now, am I really the enemy? Isn't she with him now? Additionally, one of the things I did for many months is try to reason with her, try to make her understand why it was important to work on the M and to cut off the A. The truth of the matter is that I've been blamed many times when things don't go as she wishes. She even said to me she was sorry she ever met me and sorry I was the father of her son.

I don't know what she wants. She and I will always have a relationship because of our son.

opb uc
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She even said to me she was sorry she ever met me and sorry I was the father of her son.

I don't know what she wants. She and I will always have a relationship because of our son. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's a cruel thing to say but the fact of the matter is that your S would not exist today if not for you. He is the best thing to come out of the M...am I right?

You're right about always maintaining a R. You don't always have to like each other but it does have to be a cooperative R. Your S's best interest should come first. He has two parents even if they live apart.

jmho

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ba109:
<strong>opb uc
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, you have me wondering. What does opb mean?

It was a cruel thing for her to tell me and it wasn't the only one. Remember, she was trying to provoke me, and interestingly enough after I started Plan A she became more fierce with me. My guess is that she started noticing her provocations were not having the effect on me she expected. Sometimes I feel like compiling a list of things she said or did to me that hurt me.

You know, the way I feel right now I wish I never have to see her or talk to her again. Last night as I was speaking with my son I could hear her voice every now and then and it hurt me. So, it's a combination of both: anger and hurt.

Thanks for your reply.

UC,
Know that I keep reading your posts and know that you are not at liberty to talk about everything that is in the works as you stated in an earlier posting. Just wanted you to know that I'm here and sending you my best.

uc,

opb or OPB = originally posted by

I haven't seen it on the list of acronymns http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000557 but I find it useful.

Sorry for the confusion.

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Neesha,

Thanks for your post. It really means a lot to me.

ba,

Thanks for clearing that up.

UPDATE

W said no to b-day party tomorrow. She was thinking of taking our S herself but decided against it because she was not sure of the type of reception she was going to receive from our friends. A little guilt trip? Oh no, wait, they could not possibly understand she isn't doing anything wrong. A little vent here.

Our mutual friend gave her some options so my son can go to church with me this Sunday and she said she was going to call her tomorrow to let her know.

This has been a tough week but at the end of it I feel better than at the beginning. I just wish time can go faster and the hurt heal quicker.

Thanks again.