She allowed our S to go to church with me. Our mutual friend picked them up and I met my S and friend in the atrium. My S gave me a big smile and wonderful warm hug. He was certainly happy to see me. After mass, I gave him back to our friend and he did not want to let me go, he kept grabbing at my jacket.

I saw my W twice. The first time was when I parked next to our friend's car and she was still in it talking on her phone. She saw me and turned her head away. I got off the car and just walked away. It was a weird feeling, ignoring each other. The second time I saw her she was in the atrium after mass, I could see her but she couldn't see me and I looked at her and she looked so good, so beautiful. I ask myself what did he (OM) do to deserve her. I know, I know, it is time to love myself and let her go. I am trying and in fact I'm slowly succeeding because seeing her did not hurt me as it did once.

I was so happy to spend time with my son. My only concern is that for about 10 minutes he was sucking his thumb. He has never done this not even as a baby. He didn't even use a pacifier. When I asked him about it, he told me that OM's kids (D is 5, S is 3) do it all the time. I don't know how often he is doing this, but I'd like to tell my W. I know she would not like this, so she would do something about it. Maybe this is something that I could tell my friend to pass on to my W. See, I'm new at this and I'm not sure what information (how detailed) should be shared between the parents. For instance, I would have liked to have known when he threw up last week. Any suggestions?

Thanks.

uc,

You are parenting your son. You can tell him not to suck his thumb. You can also ask you WW to assist you in the matter. Your ability to parent is going to be greatly limited if the two of you can't put your differences aside and co-parent your son.

You won't always see eye to eye on things but when you do it is a good environment for your son to be a part of.

When he knows that mom and dad are on the same sheet of music regarding his well being he is going to be less confused and will not have to try so hard to please either of you, while at the same time, not hurt or disappoint the other parent.

Hopefully she will stop behaving like the 5yr old and start cooperating with you. She doesn't have to like you but she still has to parent with you.

jmho

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Not feeling too well tonight...

I learned from my friend today that W and OM did something special together. The only reason why she told me was because I had noticed it and my friend was confirming and explaining what I saw.

So what does this mean? It's one of my down times we all have. How can she be so happy while her S is confused and hurt and I am so hurt and devastated (I'm slowing getting out of this funk though)? They are acting like two teenagers in love. On the outside, he seems to have so much more in common with her than I ever did; he is so perfect for her. Notice I didn't say he was perfect, all I said is that he is so perfect for her, he can make her happy so easily, so naturally. As she told me once, he does not have to do anything for her to feel he is the love of her life. Was I such a failure I did not know how to meet her ENs? One side of me tells me that what they are sharing now is basically what she and I shared prior to our M and look where it got us. But it still hurts, that's my W this SOB has with him. She's the mother of my son, my W! I've tried for 10 years and we had our ups and downs...

oh never mind, this is useless, I don't even want to think about this anymore.

don't worry folks, I will be OK, just having one of those down moments I guess.

Just venting.

UC-

I'm sorry that you are so down. I just wanted to remind you that what your wife is going through right now is a fantasy!!!!! It is not real! You are measuring yourself against standards that are completely false.

They only appear to be happy and perfect for one another because they are dealing with life from a hormonal place right now. As soon as daily conflicts start, I promise this bubble will burst and thay will not be so "perfect" for one another.

I knwo the pain you are feeling. Please don't get down on yourself because of this. Hold you head high and know that you are WONDERFUL just the way you are......

HUGS.

Peaks and valleys, peaks and valleys. Perhaps I should change my name.

Today? A peak.

Weird how I went from being in a rut last night to having such a high tonight. I went with two friends tonight to a weekly session called Theology on Tap where they invite speakers to speak to christian young adults. Tonight's speakers talked about how to be a christian in the workplace. The talk was good, but what was best was meeting new people with similar interests. It felt good. See, I've always been pretty shy meeting new people but for some reason lately I've felt so confident it's become easier. Something good is coming out of this bad situation: I've grown. As I always said, "I would be stupid not to take advantage of all this pain and make something positive out of it."

So all in all a pretty good day.

WIFE'S LATEST ANTICS...

So I received her divorce filing this morning. I had prepared myself for this the last few weeks but it still felt like cr*p. It's like sapping all my energy, although the feeling did not last long, that was good. We'll see how I feel tonight when I get home.

Highlights of her filing

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She currently has no income so she's asking me to support her and our son.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She wants to have exclusive possession of the house (with me paying for it, of course).</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She wants full custody of our son and does not say anything about visitation.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She wants a temporary restraining order against me where I can not see her or my son due to her fear that I would harass, bother or annoy her (actual words).</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She states that for the last six months she's been a continous resident of our state.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She states that our S was born here and he has resided here since birth.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My reaction to the above statements</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have provided her child support for my son. Why would I have to provide her support? First, wasn't I doing this last year? Secondly, why can't she find a job? She spent 8 months in TX and did not even look for a job.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She wants possession of the house??? Didn't she leave the marriage and didn't she tell me she did not want to live with me? Now she wants to kick me out?</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Custody of our son is to be determined. Her actions are working against her (hiding my son for a week and not allowing me to visit him nor call him AND wanting to place a RO so I can't see my son).</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Harass, annoy or bother her? So, she has an A, goes to live with OM with our son, is told to provoke me and succeeds at doing so and I'm the one harassing her? Since I found out where she was I have not talked to her one single time. I have left four messages the last three weeks so I can talk to my son. Imagine that! I have to call her to ask her permission to speak on the phone with my son, and I'm the one harassing her?</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She's been a continous resident of our state for the last six months??? My son has always resided here??? I really don't get this one. Is she lying to her lawyer or does her lawyer know of a way to justify this? She's been in TX for the last 7 months!!! I am really wondering what this woman is thinking. Hiding my son from me, preventing him from seeing me and now lying??? Not only that, I haven't even been back here for six months nor in this county for three months so how can she even file this?</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Finally, I will ask the court to dismiss this divorce suit. Why? Because I had already filed for custody 7 days before she filed this and they should not have allowed her to file hers because 1. as I said, there was something filed before hers and 2. because neither of us meet the residency requirements. She will probably drop her lawsuit and file the divorce under my custody case.
This is my latest and it hurts. My M is dying a slowly death. I know some of you would probably say, it's dead, she's long gone but to me it's not over until a divorce is decreed.

<small>[ January 30, 2003, 02:22 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

utterly,
This is how I would address these issues..

She currently has no income so she's asking me to support her and our son.

Answer: She is living with someone of the opposite sex. She is being supported in that regard. Child support is without question.

She wants to have exclusive possession of the house (with me paying for it, of course).

Answer: She abandoned the house and has not contributed to the financial obligations of maintaining it in 7 months. I don't think so!

She wants full custody of our son and does not say anything about visitation.

Answer: Absurd. No reason to be denied "parenting" time.

She wants a temporary restraining order against me where I can not see her or my son due to her fear that I would harass, bother or annoy her (actual words).

Answer: Again, absurd. There is nothing to base this request on. Nothing been documented to show where she would need to fear you.

She states that for the last six months she's been a continous resident of our state.

Answer: She would need to produce documentation (as in a utility bill, cc bill, or some other piece of mail) that would show her as living there.

She states that our S was born here and he has resided here since birth.

Answer: A birth certificate will take care of the first part, but she would need to produce some type of school record or daycare record to show that your son has been in the state. They are not going to simply take her word for it.

You do realize that they ask for the moon in hopes of getting just a moonbeam....right?

Do not let the crazy requests get you down. Focus on getting the parenting schedule and deal with the other stuff later.

JMHO
committed

UC,
I have only two suggestions.
1. It is time for her to have consequences. You are right in not wanting to support her. I hope you have a good Lawyer. We don't always get what we want, and I hope she gets nothing. Not that I am mean, but really, why should she.

2. Let the Lawyer do it. If you stay in the middle of this fight, it will only make you bitter. You have to fight bitterness right now, and it is hard for you to stay positive. If you need to borrow the money, borrow it, and let the Lawyer do what they do. I am afraid if you stay in this fight, it will take you years to be happy again. If you know you have a good one, just tell them what you want, and let them work. If she connumicates with you, refer her to the Lawyers and hang up. I think it may affect visitation but I believe you can get a short term order for that.

Plan B will do you a world of good right now. Dont get sucked in.

SS

UC-I am so sorry to hear that it has come to this! I have no input or advice to add since you are ahead of me, but stay strong for yourself and your son!

I will be praying for you.
STTSI

still seeking is just so gosh darned smart.

UC,

Not to add insult to injury but now more than ever, you need to keep your head out of your tush and keep it screwed on your shoulders straight and tall.

She has fired you a blow. She is suing you for divorce, robbing you of your home, demanding spousal support and stealing your son from you. Not even a mention of shared parenting. She doesn't want you to have any part of your son's life.

You have every right to be a parent to your son. He has every right to be parented by his dad. That should not be negotiable. Shared parenting time is a must.

She has already entered into a business-like frame of mind. If you don't do the same you are going to be at a big risk of losing your son.

You may want to respond to her with equally absurd demands so that you can hopefully negotiate a reasonable settlement somewhere in the middle.

jmho
Good luck

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Her divorce hearing is set for Feb 10th.

My custody case is set for Feb 13th.

I am still not sure why they set hers earlier than mine.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do: fight against one of the two people I love the most in this world. I ask God to grant me the strength.

<small>[ February 02, 2003, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

UC,

Don't think of it as fighting against her. Think of it as fighting for your son. If you lose big time, he won't get to see his dad very often.

He needs his dad to fight for him because he can't fight for himself. Good Luck.

jmho

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

my son is what keeps me going, ba

----- VENT AHEAD -----

Our mutual friend said my son could not go to church with me today because my W said she had plans. My son called me tonight and guess what those plans were? They went to visit "Grandma W," the OM's mother.

So, it is more important that my son visit a total stranger than to spend an hour with HIS FATHER in church! What does this woman think she's doing to my son???

<small>[ February 02, 2003, 07:58 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

UC-I am so sorry to hear about church today. What on earth was your W thinking???? Your S needs to spend time with his father not the OM and his family!

Stay strong, I am pulling for you!
STTSI

UC,
This is the kind of thing I worry about. You are a smart, careing person. Once your W was also, and you have a hard time understanding what happened to her.

Perhaps we should go back a little bit.
Remember that she is not rational now. She's just not. We can't apply logic to what she is doing.
Why doesn't it make sense?
Because there is no sense in any of it. It's not logical or rational.

I believe you need to get visitation set up by the court. One of the things that you will find is that she has no right to tell you what to do with your son when he visits you, but you will also find that you can't say what she does with him either. (by this I assume nothing ilegal is attempted.)

I wish I was smart enough to get this across correctly, but you have to find a way to live for you. There are things you need to do, places for you to go. Life is to short to worry about things you have no control over.

I once recommended to LIR that she write down the things she could control and then work on those things and leave alone the things she had no control over. I recommend it to you also. We can't make the pain stop but we can ignore it. It ends up being the same thing in the long run.

UC, I know you will be alright someday. I believe you know the same thing. I just wish you could get through this middle ground more quickly.

SS

Believe me, SS, I can't wait to get out of this mess. I know I will have a permanent scar because of the A, but in time it will be just that, a scar. My healing hasn't begun yet because there are still things she is doing that hurt. I don't believe the healing will begin until after we get divorced.

I spoke with Jennifer last night and she told me that basically I need to put the R and the M on the back burner and protect myself and my S. She agrees I should file for custody, which I have done. I can say that now because my W has been served and the hearing is on the 13th. She agrees that my S is not in the best environment.

The point that struck me the most about what she said is that I should make a pledge to myself that I will not date for a year after the divorce. She says that often times it happens that when the WS comes out of the fog and wants to return to the M that the BS has moved on with someone else and they are not willing to break that up. She validated what I've been feeling and even said that the best gift I can give my S is to make that pledge and carry it through. She believes one year is about right but that it's up to me. I've always said my S deserves his parents working on the M together. I don't really think about this as most of my time is spent with the legal matters.

The thoughts still come but I handle them better now by thinking of something else. This is hard, it is utterly hard but I will make it through and I am beginning to feel proud of what I am becoming. It is such a shame that what she wanted for so many years is finally here with me and she's not interested. Instead, she thought she found it with OM when in fact, she hasn't.

Jennifer called what I am doing Plan B even though I didn't send a letter. It will protect her from the LB's she's expecting from me and it will protect me by starting to detach me from her.

Finally, let me add that I'm looking forward to when this is over so I can finally make my life without having to see what's going to happen with the divorce, what's going to happen at court, etc. I can't wait to start travelling again, as we both loved to do, but this time with my son. I would love for her to join us but if she won't then she won't.

Thanks, SS.